I was not satisfied with the last chapter. So here!
---
Eren coughed as a puff of dust rained down on him from the opening in the ceiling he was pushing up. It caught him in a sneeze, too, before he could get a look at what was above the plank of wood. From below, Carla chuckled and said a 'gesundheit'. He laughed too and uttered a thank you before pushing the plank/door the rest of the way open, this time holding his breath as more dust showered down.
It was his day off and he'd promised to help his mom clean out the attic, a place that hadn't been touched by human hands since he was ten or eleven years old.
As he peeked up into it, he almost couldn't believe his eyes. It wasn't a very big room, but it was stacked to the ceiling with boxes upon boxes that were covered by dust upon dust. He held his breath as he climbed higher on the latter, taking a look around.
"How does something that's gone untouched for so long collect this much dust?" he mumbled. The dust was already attacking his nose and he felt another sneeze building up.
"Oh, it can't be that bad," Carla said from below. In answer, he dragged his finger along the wooden floor of the attic and showed it to her. She grimaced at his now gray fingertip.
"Good thing Levi's not here to see this," he joked. "He'd probably have a cow at this mess." He laughed, trying to picture the expression of abhor that would surely plaster Levi's features at the mess Eren currently laid eyes on. The raven was currently at work, having at least five different appointments for the day on top of several other commissions he wanted to get done.
Carla began handing cleaning supplies up to Eren, who immediately started to wipe the floor down so he would have to get himself dirty with as little dust as possible. He was no clean freak like his tattooed companion, but even this amount of dust was too much for him; it would be for anyone. It was caked between the ceiling boards and clung to every flat surface in the room. There were surely rats or at least mice scurrying around in there, having bored hiding places in the walls or even the boxes. Fortunately, Eren wasn't so afraid of such critters. Spiders, on the other hand, were a much different story...
"Help me up, Eren," Carla said, beginning to ascend the ladder. The male cast the cleaning supplies aside momentarily to reach down into the opening and help his mom climb her way into the attic with him.
"I'd say I'm still pretty agile in my old age, huh?" she said, smiling.
"Please, Mom. You're not even old."
The woman chuckled and ruffled her son's hair, already collecting dust itself. "Thanks, hon," she said. She proceeded to look around, her amber eyes growing more hopeless as she took in the endless boxes caked in endless dust and the ceiling that was more so made of cobwebs than, well, ceiling. She, too, sneezed. "Guess you weren't exaggerating."
"Nope. But it's not gonna clean itself."
"Right," she said, and with that they got to work, dusting and mopping the floor until it almost shined in the overhanging light bulb that, miraculously, still worked. For a long while they didn't come upon any rats or mice, but with the droppings among the seemingly endless dust, it was apparent they were there or at least had been. No spiders, either, but the brunet was extra cautious as he dragged a broom along the ceiling to get rid of the cobwebs.
Simply dusting the place took two hours, and by the time they were ready to start going through the boxes, it was past noon. As a result, they went back downstairs to make lunch - Eren's classic peanut butter and banana sandwich (something he'd loved since he was a kid) and Carla's turkey on rye. The two elected to enjoy the nice afternoon and ate outside on the back deck.
"So how's work going?" Carla asked halfway through her sandwich.
"Fine," Eren mumbled around a bite of peanut butter and banana. "Reiner just has me filing things and taking pictures...keeping the shop clean, stuff like that," he explained after swallowing.
Carla nodded thoughtfully, gazing out across the backyard. Eventually she said, "You know, honey, you don't have to be giving me so much of your money. I get enough from social security to support Mikasa and myself now that all of those hospital bills are paid off. You should keep your money for yourself and use it for your benefit."
Eren cast his gaze away from her and sunk down in his chair a bit, abandoning what was left of his sandwich to the plate. "Like paying off those student loans that ended up being pointless?" he muttered. He'd been putting things like that to the back of his mind for a good few months, more focused on Levi's recovery and keeping himself mentally stable. But now that things had settled down and gotten into a groove, worrying about it again was inevitable.
"They weren't pointless," countered his mother. "And you don't have much to pay because the scholarships you had covered the rest. I'm saying you should start supporting yourself instead of your old mom."
Sighing, the brunet started absently playing with his hair. "I suppose."
Under the table, Carla gently squeezed his knee before finishing the rest of her iced tea and pushing away from the table. "Let's go finish the attic," she said with the obvious intention of getting Eren's mind off the money for a while.
Four hours, eleven boxes, and many nostalgic memories later, Eren's phone buzzed in his pocket. It was a message from Levi asking if he was still there. Eren responded inviting him over, though not without first consulting his mother about it, who, of course, didn't mind in the least. Mikasa contacted, too, to let them know she was going to Annie's for dinner.
"She sure spends a lot of time with that girl," Eren commented. Carla did nothing more but send him a sly, knowing smile before reaching for another box. She sliced the tape open with some scissors and flipped it open to reveal what looked like thick leather books. Though that meant nothing to Eren, her eyes lit up with delightful surprise and she reached in to gingerly pull one into her lap.
"Oh my gosh," she breathed, flipping the cover open.
"What?" asked Eren, scooting toward her to peek over and see what was inside. On the first page was elegant script that read Mr. and Mrs. Grisha Jaeger, April 23rd, 1992
An old photo was pinned below it, the subject being Eren's much younger, much happier looking parents on their wedding day, looking deeply into each other's eyes as if the rest of the world didn't exist to them at that moment. Eren felt a bittersweet pang at the image and spared a look at his mother's face. Her eyes reflected the bittersweet nostalgia she was surely feeling as she remembered that happier time in her life.
"I forgot these were even up here..." she murmured, fingertips gently caressing the edges of the pages that held even more memories of the sort.
Eren looked back to the box where several more almost identical photo albums rested. Gingerly, he picked one out and opened it. It didn't have any elegant script or pictures as to what it held, so he flipped a few pages in to reveal several of his baby pictures.
"Eren, darling, do me a favor and take these downstairs? I want to look at them this evening."
"A-are you sure?" he stammered, unsure himself.
She placed her hand on his arm and smiled softly. "I'll be okay," she promised. "Thank you for worrying."
Eren nodded slowly. After descending the ladder halfway, Carla handed the box down to him and he made his way toward the staircase. In all honesty he, too, was curious about the contents of the albums. He hadn't even remembered they had them, let alone so many. Admittedly he was afraid of what those memories could do to his mother psychologically. She was strong, yes. Much stronger than after his father died. But it wasn't without continuous therapy and medication, wasn't without a lot of work and help. In his mind, his mom's health was loads more important than those memories despite his curiosity.
Just as he was about to head back up the stairs, three short knocks at the door had him stopping to open it. Sure enough, Levi stood on the other side, head covered in a red beanie matching his button-up shirt and glasses slid perfectly in place. The mere sight of him had Eren's soul lighting up and an involuntary smile gracing his features.
"Hey," he said. "Come in."
"Hey, brat," Levi said, stepping in. He reached up onto his toes for a warm, chaste kiss. "What in the hell is all over your face?" he asked, brows pulling together as he gently touched Eren's cheek with his fingertips.
"What? Oh, it's probably dust." He chuckled softly. "Guess I didn't realize I had any on my face."
Levi's brows lifted as he looked the younger up and down. "Or caked onto the rest of you?"
"Huh?" Eren glanced down himself and laughed, seeing that his green olive colored shirt and jeans had collected a good amount of dust, as well as his once white socks. "Oops. Well, the attic was worse."
"Hm, you're practically a dust bunny yourself," joked Levi, amusement showing in his stormy eyes.
Smile widening, Eren reached back and gave himself bunny ears using his fingers, earning a purposeful eye-roll from his raven-haired lover. "Now all you need is a tail," he mused. "Dork."
Eren took Levi's hand and changed the subject. "How are you today?" he asked, looking for answers in Levi's eyes that he might not get in words.
Levi knew he wasn't just asking in general to make small talk. He truly wanted to know; after Eren picking up the habit to ask him on a near daily basis, he quickly learned that. In some ways, it still internally baffled him how much Eren seemed to care for him - wanting to know how he was and wanting to help if the answer was anything short of "okay". Eren, too, had easily picked up on Levi's daily struggles, how it was sometimes difficult to eat whether his stomach was acting up or his mind, how on some days his memories and emotions affected him more than others, and how his mind was still deep in the habit of thinking one injection could make all of his problems vanish...
More times than not, he'd give Eren an honest answer. Still, there were a few things he kept from him, like how sometimes he'd wake up in the middle of the night and go into the bathroom to stare under the sink, a disturbing longing looming over, or how he'd once dismantled another razor in the shower with the intention of adding marks to his arms but managed to talk himself out of it only to use it on his inner thighs several days later. He wouldn't tell Eren these things, knowing damn well it would hurt him. Some sense inside him not yet strong enough knew he should tell Eren, knew that the bright-eyed young man would only want to help and comfort him, but he couldn't. Some demon-like thing, much stronger than that sense, a thing that had long ago made a home in his soul told him he was just taking more and more from Eren without giving anything back, and told him he had nothing to offer in return, so he kept his debt as shallow as he could despite it already being halfway to hell. It was a terrible conflict; every time he looked into those absolutely genuine, pure turquoise orbs that held so much undeserving love for him, a little more light found its way in and the more he fought with himself - do I tell him or do I keep my mouth shut to spare him any more suffering?
"I'm good," he responded honestly. A rare answer for him, but he wasn't lying.
"Are you sure?" asked Eren, that adorable crease manifesting between his eyebrows as he inspected Levi's eyes further.
"Yes, Eren. I'm sure."
They remained like that for a minute, looking intently into one another's eyes, learning and observing things they never could've come across through words. Finally satisfied, Eren's smile returned and he kissed between Levi's eyebrows. "I'm glad to hear it."
"And you?" Levi inquired before Eren could turn away, as he started to.
"The same," Eren said. "And happy you're here."
"Cheesy shit," Levi mumbled, nuzzling his face into the crook of Eren's neck, automatically inhaling, looking for his normal scent but instead finding the odor of dust and faint mildew. His nose wrinkled. "You smell," he said in a tone that clearly expressed distaste.
"Thanks?" Eren chuckled. He then headed for the stairs, coaxing Levi along behind. "Come on, let's go help Mom."
Levi willingly followed, not missing the fact that Eren only said 'Mom'. Not 'my mom', but 'Mom', as if the woman was both of their mother. He couldn't deny the fuzzy feeling it gave him, distasteful as it was.
When they reached the top of the stairs, Carla was descending the latter. She, too, sported her own layer of dust - her generally dark hair more of a dark charcoal and her lavender blouse more grayish as well. The second she spotted the raven, her face panned out into a warm smile and she didn't hesitate in reaching out to embrace him around the shoulders. She, too, smelled like dust and mildew, but strangely in a more motherly way. Her embrace had Levi stiffening automatically, though more so because he wasn't used to feeling such a motherly touch, to feeling so easily accepted. Holding his breath from sheer bafflement, he lifted the hand that wasn't clinging to Eren's to return the embrace.
"It's so nice to see you again," she said, pulling back to meet his gaze. Her soft amber eyes were so inviting and homey, Levi nearly lost his balance. "How have you been?" she asked.
"O-okay," he stammered. "What about you?"
"Oh, you know, same old. I've had enough of that attic for one day, though," she said with a small chuckle. "I think it's time for a shower and some dinner." She started toward the stairs. "Mikasa should be home soon. What are you two hungry for?"
"Anything's fine, Ma," said Eren, following her with Levi in tow. "I'll fight you for the shower though," he said.
"Go ahead, hon," she said.
"Pfft, you're too easy," he said, though it was unlikely she heard because she had disappeared down the stairs whereas they had stayed at the top. He turned to the shorter male. "You mind?"
"No, I'd prefer it," said Levi, eyeing the dust all over the dopey-looking man again. "You're disgusting."
Eren chortled and stuck his tongue out. "Says you, Mr. Clean Freak," he joked.
"Hmph. Just go shower." He nudged Eren in the direction of the bathroom with his hip. "And don't forget to scrub, or I'll have to go in there and do it myself."
"Whoa, slow down there." Eren held his hands up and Levi rolled his eyes, nudging him again.
"Just go."
Go Eren did, leaving Levi to descend the stairs and cautiously approach the kitchen where Carla had disappeared. She was shuffling through the fridge for something to scrounge up for dinner. She started pulling things out - a package of raw chicken and a few other miscellaneous things.
"How does fried chicken sound?" she asked without tearing her eyes away from the food.
"Fine," he said. "May I offer my assistance?"
"That would be appreciated, but you don't have to." She was already tearing into the package of chicken and arranging it on a plate. Levi moved to wash his hands and pitched in. Within about ten minutes, the chicken was breaded and sat sizzling in a pan of oil. Half of it was cooked by the time Eren made his reappearance (dust free and smelling sweet, much to Levi's approval) and started setting the table. Mikasa called somewhere among the cooking and serving the food - the heavenly smelling chicken with brown rice and mixed vegetables - to let them know she would be spending dinner at her friend's.
The meal was pleasant with light chatter, mostly between Eren and his mother.
"How about we look through these after dinner?" she suggested, lifting one of the photo albums out of the box that sat at the back edge of the table.
"Aw, Ma..." Eren complained.
"What's the matter? Don't you want Levi to see your baby pictures?" she joked.
"That's so cliché, Mom. Are you trying to be the embarrassing parent?"
"It's cliché for a reason," Levi interjected.
"Mhm," Carla agreed. "And there are so many memories in these pages. Don't you want to enjoy them?"
"Not if it's me, butt naked in the bathtub," he grumbled, stuffing half a piece of chicken past his lips.
"Please, Eren. It's not like I'm going to make fun of you." Levi sat back and crossed his arms.
"Hmph, that's what you say now," he muttered.
"Humor us."
"There isn't much to be embarrassed about," reasoned Carla. "You were an adorable baby."
Eren detested the heat rising to his face. He kept his eyes secured on his plate as he fiddled with his vegetables, pushing them around one edge of the plate.
"You know, either we look at them now or we'll do it without you knowing about it," Levi pointed out, voice dripping with smugness.
"Not if I hide them," Eren countered.
Levi rolled his eyes and nudged Eren's shin under the table with his shoe. "Don't be such a brat." This earned a giggle from the brunet's mother. Sighing, he let his eyes wander up to meet Levi's. And just like that, his resolve crumbled and he muttered a 'fiiiine...'
And so after dinner, they cleaned up the dishes and stuck them neatly in the dishwasher before sitting down, much closer together with Levi in the middle, to look through the albums. Eren knew he'd been ganged up on, but if the two most important people in his life wanted to look at his (embarrassing as hell) baby pictures and it made them happy, who was he to say no? Besides, he knew there were a lot more pictures besides the ones of him being an infant on up. Mikasa's were in there, as well as his parent's wedding and a good portion of their lives, too. In a way, he couldn't deny this would more than likely bring him and his raven-haired lover closer, sharing these precious memories with him. He became a little less bitter toward the idea and a little more eager, but he wouldn't let it show.
The first album Carla selected from the box was, of course, that which contained the photos of her wedding. It took place in what looked like a giant meadow, surrounded by flowering trees and rose bushes. The grass had been neatly mowed and the theme was simply red. Not vibrant red, but soft, welcoming red. The chairs, the table cloths, and every decoration matched the theme, as well as the rose bushes. Grisha's tie was red, as was Carla's veil and the ribbons in her hair. She looked stunning - so happy and full of life, so in love and ready to live her life with the one she'd shared the deepest parts of her soul with. In some ways, Eren felt he understood that kind of love and shared it with the one whose fingers were threaded comfortably between his right at that moment. Still, there was something about the look in Carla's golden eyes in those photos that he felt he might never understand the feeling of. That look had long since been replaced by pain, grief, and loss. For that, Eren held inevitable resentment for the man those eyes were for. Yes, he had happy memories of his father, but he could not forgive him for hurting his mother by simply being addicted to those godforsaken pills, let alone letting them take his life.
"You look more like your dad than I'd anticipated," Levi commented softly, eyes moving from a picture of Grisha to Eren himself, who shrugged.
"Eren got his eyes," Carla said. "But bigger." She chuckled. "And his hair, I suppose." She smiled fondly, though neither of the males missed the sadness in her eyes.
They continued through the photos and Carla pointed out their relatives - Grisha's parents, who were currently living in Germany, and her own. Her father had passed away from bone cancer not long after the wedding - before Eren was even born - and her mother lived in a cottage across the country. She pointed out all eight of Grisha's siblings, though she couldn't remember all of their names nor their statuses unless she was certain.
There weren't many photos between the wedding and Eren's birth, which was documented at the very end of the album by a very tired looking Carla, holding a bundle in her arms. She traded that album for the next. A copy of the same picture started that one out and was adjacent to a picture closer up where Eren's pudgy baby face could be seen. He was clearly asleep. He had a thick head of hair and ever so rosy cheeks, an image Levi gazed at for a long while, the slightest of smiles gracing his lips.
"Here we go," Eren mumbled, perching his chin on his palm, pretending to be annoyed. Levi's response was to jab an elbow in the direction of his ribs, which he promptly dodged.
Eren's delicate, happy face filled up this album more than anything else, between being fed and passed around to different arms of faces they recognized from the wedding photos. His eyes seemed to be closed in all of them until nearly the middle of the album. He rested in a baby swing, bundled up in a peach colored blanket, bright green eyes wide open and curious.
"She's right, brat. You were pretty cute," Levi teased mildly.
Gradually, the baby in the pictures became a toddler. There were pictures of his first steps, his first time feeling the grass in the backyard, his first use of a sippy cup.
"Didn't take this curious one to figure out how to take the lid off of those and dump his juice everywhere," said Carla with a laugh.
There was a picture of Eren sitting in a high chair with half a banana on the tray in front of him, green eyes inspecting it. The next portrayed his tiny, dimpled fist with the now squished banana oozing out from between his fingers. The page was a sequence of him getting banana all over his face and down his front. The last showed him smiling wide, showing off the two front teeth beginning to poke in.
"Looks like you wore more of your food than you ate," Levi snorted.
"Shut up," mumbled Eren, but not without a smile.
That album went up to his second birthday where he'd also gotten covered in ice cream cake. From then on, the time between each picture was longer, evident with Eren's growth. There was another that caught Levi's eye, but mostly because Eren tried to cover it and snatch it from the plastic it rested in when he saw it. Of course, Levi pried his hands away and held them down while he looked.
Four-ish old little Eren sat butt naked in the bathtub, a rubber duck in one hand raised high above his head while the other had come down on the water, leaving soapy droplets suspended in midair from the splash. His mouth was open in a long O shape and his foot had broken the surface of the water. He hadn't realized he was the subject of the picture until after.
"I think he was pretending the rubber duck was an alien spaceship that was crashing to Earth," explained Carla.
"Oh Jesus," Eren was muttering over and over into his hands while Levi and his mother chortled halfheartedly at the image.
"Come on, Eren, it's cute," Levi said.
"No, it's embarrassing."
"You're such a child." Levi sat up to peck his cheek.
"Whatever," mumbled Eren grumpily.
Eren continued to grow as the photos went on, and soon a little blond boy began appearing alongside him. He was easily recognized by his big blue eyes and round head - Armin. A photo of the two of them playing old Nintendo games together had Levi scoffing, "I bet you've been a nerd since day one."
"Those two wore that thing out from playing it so much," Carla said. "I still remember how upset they were when it finally sputtered and died."
"We beat all those games at least twice," Eren sighed, feeling the deep nostalgia.
Alongside Eren's growth was Grisha's deterioration. He appeared in less and less photos, his weight loss and the draining of his life evident in each one until he stopped appearing altogether. That left the atmosphere feeling heavy with grief. For Eren, because he'd lost his dad and parts of his mom he'd never see again. For Carla for obvious reasons. And for Levi especially, because he understood it so well. If anyone did, he knew the consequences and effects of addiction like that. He knew what it was like to fade away into it, to let his mind and body become consumed with some type of monster. The thought of it had images flashing across his thought process - of the crime scene that was under the sink, his body, his life. He found himself stuffing his hands between his thighs and fighting to reserve himself.
The last photo of Grisha was him sitting in a reclining chair holding a baby that was clearly Mikasa. That broke something inside of Levi, and before he completely broke down, he excused himself and headed outside for a breath of fresh air, hoping it would calm the spinning of his mind.
"Is he alright?" Carla whispered when she heard the front door click shut.
"I...don't know," Eren admitted.
"Hmm." Carla turned her attention back to the pictures. It was silent for a minute while Eren debated whether he should follow Levi or give him some space. "Must be Grisha," she said.
"Huh?"
She tapped the page. "His addiction," she said softly. "Seeing it has affected Levi."
Eren turned back to the image and realization hit him like a bus. Nodding slowly, he said, "I'm gonna go check on him."
He found Levi sitting on the curb at the end of the walkway, bent over with his fingers tangled through his hair, messing up the position of his beanie. He approached slowly, quietly, and then took a seat next to him, making sure to make at least some noise as not to startle him. He didn't move, and he'd removed his glasses.
"Sorry," he said after a minute. "I just needed a moment."
"It's okay," Eren said, gently beginning to rub his back. The raven leaned into the touch. "I should be the one who's sorry. I should've known that would affect you."
"No, it isn't your fault." Levi lifted his head and stared down the street.
"Do you need to talk about it?" Eren offered. Levi merely shook his head.
It was quiet for a while and Levi eventually replaced his glasses and fixed his beanie. He let his gaze travel up to the sky, alight with the last hues of the sunset.
"You really were an adorable kid, though," he said, nudging Eren again. "And that rubber duck was priceless."
"Oh man, you're still on that?"
"Please, how could I forget it? I think I'll ask your mom for a copy."
"For what? Blackmail material?!"
Levi snorted. "Yes, Eren, because after everything you've done for me, I want to blackmail you." He rubbed his face and muttered an 'idiot'.
Another long silence passed, followed by Eren asking, "Do you wanna go home?"
"No, actually..." He hesitated. "Never mind."
"Tell me," Eren pressed.
"I thought we could go back to that hill," he said. "You know, where you can see all the stars."
Suddenly, Eren was jumping up and pulling the smaller man along with him.
"Let's go," he said eagerly.
"Wait, really?"
The younger's head bobbed enthusiastically. "Come on!"
5