chapter twenty one: LEMON SODA
• • •
"Her name was Nanami Anzu and she was my first love,"
Kenma turned around abruptly and moved to face her teary brown eyes, their noses just centimetres apart. She let her vision fall to her lap, her hand clasped around his tightly, as if she was in pain.
"And she was the reason why everything fell apart."
• • •
Miruka blushed and looked away, hesitantly making eye contact with the boy in front of her. He didn't move, nor did he say anything, and she was just so confused. Peach strands covered her face, hiding in pure fear.
Why wasn't he disgusted?
Why wasn't he running away already?
He should have done that by now.
The girl exhaled shakily. "You know you can leave me — "
"I don't mind,"
She sucked in a breath and looked up. His eyes, so molten and amber and warm, never wavered. He was a resolute being, yet he was so soft and delicate that he was afraid of breaking the quivering girl in front of him. Kenma inched closer, holding one another so tightly it was as if they could meld into each other.
Their shoulders touched, and it made them feel like they were here, existing. Neither of them showed it, but they felt it with every inch of their mind and heart. Things like that didn't need words; silence was more than enough.
"I'm asexual," Kenma breathed, the small confession making her smile and him shake slightly. "And um, demi-panromantic. You know when — "
"I know. No need to explain," she shot back, pushing against him with her shoulder playfully. "I'm bisexual, but you probably figured that out. Keep that to yourself, would you mind? I don't want to, you know, do that yet,"
He nodded. He knew what she meant. "Could you do the same?"
She nodded. She knew exactly what he meant. "Of course,"
Sitting quietly, their fingers looped and fumbled, awkward and fitting all at once. It was odd, how they worked. Nothing needed to be said, still they never faltered.
"Have you told anyone else?" Miruka questioned, settling her head on his shoulder. An orange glow dusted their skin, yellow rusting their noses and lips flushed pink. The golden hour was upon them. "You're my eighth, actually,"
Kenma stopped for a moment. "I — I've been meaning to tell Kuroo," he said calmly. The heat wasn't overpowering him and the winds were kind to his cheeks. "He's gay, actually. I trust him and I know he'll be okay. I just don't know what will happen to us,"
"Take your time," she replied after a thought, twisting a blade of grass in her nails. "The relationship you guys have is very strong. I know it's hard having to explain. I've been through it too, though I feel that bedhead and you have something more than I did,"
They let her words sink in, along with the slow sun. Kenma looked at her, a girl filled with so much brightness she must have swallowed a thousand shooting stars, and realised that she was so much like space.
Filled with bursts of light and life, then ultimately unknown and pitch black as you fell deeper.
She was the cosmos, the planets, the whole universe inside the body of a teenage girl who just wanted to explore the world she lived in.
"I think I really loved her," Miruka continued. Kenma listened. "It was just the worst timing. We met at the beginning of my second year at middle school when she first joined the track team. She joined and I kind of became so attracted to this person that it just became so difficult. Anz — Nanami-san, was born with natural talent yet no matter how hard she trained, she never could hone it. It felt like a one hit wonder, being with that girl, but that was all it was in the end,"
"Many people were figuring it out, that I liked her in the romantic way. She liked me too, I think. I hope in the same way," the girl plucked more grass out and let the breeze take it away. "She just liked girls and I thought that was okay. Others did not,"
"People began to bully her, say horrible things about her. It was a pure miracle she never broke up with me. Were we even together? Who knows? All I know was that she stuck by me even when she was getting beaten down for it. It got out of hand, my friends who live in Torono — like your Hinata-kun — were worried about us,"
"You lived in Torono?" he asked, making an indescribable face of confusion, curiosity and a small sense of surprise.
She nodded. "Yeah, just till middle school though. One of my friends went to school with me, while the other we had known for a while that walked with us home. I made them feel guilty of not being there for me and we fought at one stage. That was the day when Nanami-san decided to completely disappear."
The last word, 'disappear', was hollow and unfeeling in Kenma's ears. She made it sound like 'death'.
He realised that was what she meant.
"She — she sent me a text saying 'gone'," Miruka groaned, placing the back of her hand on her forehead, blocking out sunlight and teardrops. "I didn't know where she went but I found her when I went to school. She was at the front entrance, looking down from the roof. She jumped,"
Hollow, hollow, hollow. He couldn't stand how unhappy this version of Miruka was. She was made for grins and laughs and eyes sparkling with energy, not for frowns and tears and red stained noses.
"And I wasn't there to stop her."
Miruka removed her hand. She did not cry. She looked like she had aged a millennium, tired of it all. This girl had ran out of tears to cry and damns to give. It was a subject she had gotten over, yet stung her badly. A cut, with the plaster falling off and almost tearing at her skin.
"You okay?" he said softly, lowly, like he was talking to a baby.
"Yes, yes, absolutely. Let me continue before I want to murder myself," she resumed, ruffling her hair. "I was then targeted. For liking her and because I 'killed' her. Countless have told me that I was the reason and not enough told me I wasn't. I don't know which side I can still believe. Her mother and father, they were so supportive. Telling me I protected their daughter and standing up for our identities, saying I was brave. If I was so, then how come I couldn't protect her then?"
"It would have been impossible," Kenma stated, furious with certainty. Miruka's eyes, so tired, widened. "This was something that she decided. I don't think you killed her. I do think that you made her life better in a lot of ways. She did the same to you. It was just that Death scheduled her end a little earlier. Maybe, that was terrible, I'm not good at this,"
Miruka paused and watched him. Half chocolate, half golden hair, amber eyes and a cat-like face. He was something, alright. Her perception of him was unshaken and unshakable. Kozume Kenma, was something else, something kind and watchful and quiet.
He was completely beautiful, so three dimensional, so full of depth, and she couldn't help being so in obsessed with it.
Instinct took over.
She decided to kiss him.
Her head had curved under his, both crossed legged, reaching for him. She let her lips simply graze over his, still and in shock. They overlapped each other's, Kenma's bottom lip trapped between her top. Hers were dry and his smooth, on the verge of cracking but still definitely kissable. His mouth, open at the time, showed his teeth, clashing against the girl's awkwardly at first. Miruka's hands firmly placed on the grass, scrunching up the green blades while his froze, but rested on her arms. Foreheads were millimetres apart and their noses just about brushed off.
He was out of breath. Her heart beat so fast it was more vibrating than pulses. He tasted like the lemon soda he was drinking. She tasted like caramel.
She had no idea what was happening and was completely aware at the same time.
Then he pushed back and she was intoxicated.
It lasted, his force, for a full three seconds (she counted) and they let go, faces red and looking away. Kenma was stunned, so completely stunned. The girl he liked, who deserved so much better because she was the ever burning sun and he was a passing comet ready to hit the ground, had decided to kiss him of all people.
Now this was something else.
He had to be dreaming.
Neither of them were.
All of a sudden, she giggled, throwing her head back. Her chest rose and fell and she held Kenma's hand kindly, fitting in awkwardly and perfectly. The smile, the real smile that she possessed, was spread across her mouth and not the fake one she wore when being polite. Miruka guffawed, a teenage queen of the cosmos, with her eyes squinted and crinkling.
He watched and without warning, he found something bubbling in his throat. A genuine chuckle, no it was a laugh, had escaped his larynx. It was something boyish and youthful, with rough undertones and light gasps of air. Kenma's teeth were white and sharp, hitting of each other with every sound.
This was right.
She assumed, for a quick moment, it was because of how much she longed for something against her mouth and breathing after the girl who became ashes and bone, yet she knew it was wrong.
It was because they were both so involved with each other's hearts and minds and were always, always thinking of one another. It was not because they were in love, it was because they simply liked each other and that they were teenagers looking for somebody to appreciate their insecurities and flaws and the found them.
Terracotta red smeared the sky, indigo shadowed clouds approaching from the west began to scatter and hover. They were moving creatures, no longer statues. They were breathing and happy because they had each other and were accepted.
'In love', was a phrase that neither of them thought of when they thought of both parties. That was saved for something more. Right now, they were looking for that more. It could be them.
This was a phrase full of hope and chance. This was a phrase that they might use them someday and really mean it. This was a phrase they would only think and never speak. Things were changing, but it didn't mean things were new now. It didn't mean it was never this way before.
The funny thing that occurred to them, both knew that they were thinking the same thing although no words had been said yet, was that they did not care if this wonderful feeling of like would last. Maybe it would last a week. Five years. Forever. Possibilities were endless.
Whether they would make their vows to each other or to someone completely different, they knew that they'd be together, in anyway possible. Kenma and Miruka, both total opposites, were thinking the exact thought together.
They had been accepted.
Somebody was there, for them, and it was them.
Romantically, platonically. It did not matter. They were connected and euphonic, two shades of impossible colours that nobody could describe. Whether they mixed together well and created something beautiful was entirely up to them and fate.
Maybe they could be 'in love'. They doubted it. Somehow, it felt both bigger and smaller than that. Simply, they were at ease when both were alone and present. They did not care whether they were kissing or holding hands or just looking at each other.
Maybe it was a spur of the moment. Maybe this was the beginning of a contagious chain reaction. Maybe with this, their destinies were set in stone. Maybe they were intertwined or ripped apart after.
Maybe. A word of risk and chance.
A word full of wonder.
They stayed there just sitting, till the night became a navy canvas and they parted ways, stars in their eyes and endless infinite fears and destinies and emotions so heavy and exciting.
Maybe they weren't possibly in love, maybe they were just friends who were exploring new horizons, but none of them cared.
They were each other's and that was what mattered.
Together, understanding and alive.
Here, existing.
They went into their houses and dragged themselves to their beds, tired and smiling. Both souls shut their eyes, drifting to a dreamless sleep.
It was a new day tomorrow, and it was going to be better than ever.
• • •
hello people, I am assuming that you're either looking bored af or outwardly screaming.
nice to see you.
I HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT AS HELL TO TALK ABOUT.
so a few of you were quite "shocked", to say the least, of my daughter's confession. well listen up, because I'm here to tell you some things.
bisexual people exist.
pansexual people exist.
asexual people exist.
queer people exist.
and a whole ton of other sexualities and genders exist.
so just stop with all of this erasure. I doubt that every single person reading figured out that this girl was bisexual or pansexual or something like that.
it was just "SHE'S A LESBIAN" "WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN TO MIRUKEN"
hello, have you considered the fact that you can like both genders at the same time?
that's a thing!
scratch the word 'two' and it would be perfect for this situation right now.
some people just freaked out over kagehina. right that's chill but hello? did u see my bi child here? straight, gay and lesbian ships ARE NOT the only ones that exist here. in any fandom actually!
oh, if you also disliked the headcanon I placed on Kenma right there then feel free to express your opinion. this is what sexuality I feel expresses him the most but go ahead and tell me what you think of him as.
if you tell me he's straight or something completely different, that's okay. just don't tell me that he can't be ____ because he does this or whatever.
i will not hesitate to roll my eyes at you.
think that I'm being harsh? then here's my reason:
the heteronormativity here needs to stop immediately. and wow, if this continues, i don't think i want to stay.
i am done with dealing with this type of bs right now. people in this community are annoying me a lot right now (others may know who, others may not) and I don't want to call anyone out.
if you wish to do that, then send a message.
and if you want to call me out, the please do. i'm interested in what you have to say.
want me to call whoever I'm talking about out? guess what, sweaty, I have no time for stupid people :)
now lastly, if there's people that are feeling "uncomfortable" about the situation and reading about characters that have been in or could be in same sex relationships?
drop the book. then i'll drop them faster than fly on a hot day.
and I don't care who it is.
— michaela