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Chapter Two – Door 28, Apartment D
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"He's going to try to call you. Chances are when you stop calling him, when you cut him off, when you act like you've moved on as he has, he'll start to wonder about you, gradually start thinking more about you. Eventually he'll bring you up casually among mutual friends to see what you're up to, if you're seeing anyone, how things are. He'll start to wonder why you've stopped calling him, why you've stopped giving him attention, making him feel important. And then guess what? He'll call you."
That's what Kibbie had said to me.
Her words hung high over me like an expected cloud in winter. And this cloud was just as predictable according to my flatmate. It was apparently so very obvious, so very foreseeable. Even back then she'd seen it coming. And considering my circumstances right now and what just happened at lunchtime, of course she was right. She was irritatingly almost always right.
It was all because I never called him back or begged him to come back. That's what Kibbie would have you believe. All because I'd let him go. I didn't troll-cry in his face. I was "dignified". I'll admit I was proud of myself for that.
But, well, he'd clearly been wondering about me. You wouldn't contact someone out of the blue if you weren't. My absence made him want to call me. He was clearly curious. It seemed that distance and getting blanked for so long that I basically gave him nothing but air made him realise his feelings for me were stronger than he thought. Or so he'd have me believe. I gave him distance, he gave me attention.
At the time Kibbie had said that to me, it was around the time I'd found it difficult to let go, when I couldn't bring myself to push him clear from my life. The no-contact thing...I strongly suspected she'd played this game before, as if she'd played and won at ever turn of hand and was now handing me her winning rule-book.
At the time I knew why she'd said it but I went along with it anyway. What she said was supposed to be some kind of lightening bolt. She worded it as if to tell me that if I wanted him back, that was how I would get him back. All I had to do was ignore him. Act like he was of no significance. Act towards him as he'd acted towards me. Possibly even play the hard-to-get card.
She'd said it because she knew that I couldn't go through with the cut-off, and the only way I would do it would be to hold on to the belief that I was doing all of this to get him back. It would somehow spur me on to cut him out because then I'd have a purpose, an intention, a goal. Pathetically though, that was my goal. I know, how sad am I? But it was the push I needed to make it happen, though I didn't believe Kibbie ever had the getting-back-together intention on her mind. She didn't like Darius. There was no way she wanted me to get back with him.
But really, I had to totally prepare myself for the very real possibility that he would never come back to me. That it didn't matter what I did or didn't do, how long I kept away from the phone, from all my social networking, he would never return.
I had to prepare myself for the possibility that love had found him now. That that love came in the shape of a pretty/plain brunette named Lovelock. That I may not have been the love of his life afterall, and that he met his love too late. After me. That sometimes the real love of your life appears after you thought you'd found them.
Kibbie was ever the girl of wisdom, because when she said he'd call me, well...she was right.
Darius had called me soon after I left him at Sula's.
When I got back from seeing him, I immediately threw myself into my flat, slamming the door shut behind me, dropping my bag and standing in the living room for what seemed like ages. I didn't get undressed; I didn't take my shoes off or even remove my coat. I just stood there staring into nothing. The only thing in my vision was the image of him, of his eyes, of his new-found smile, of his words,
'I want you back.'
'We're fire in bed, you and me.'
'I'm in love with you, Bree.'
'I can't lose you again. I won't.'
'You still want me? I'm yours.'
My stomach was playing gymnastics inside me. My breathing a little faster than I was comfortable with. I think the only thing I did was blink. I didn't want to hear anything, or be around anything or anyone. I could feel my body respond with a slight tremor. Literally, repeating his declarations to myself had my chest upping.
Honestly, to hear the man you...well, still care about say the things you've been dreaming to hear for months after he left you...it scared me that it could even still have an effect on me. That my heart could react to any of it. My heart should be angry. It should be beating with vicious hate and blinding betrayal. That alone was telling me something I was hard pressed to admit to myself. I was a fool. You know what they say...only fools fall in love, right? And only fools let ex's make fools of them all over again.
After...gosh...I don't even know how long, I finally shrugged out of my coat and threw it carelessly over one of the matching sofa chairs, it was quickly followed by my shoes. I rubbed the back of my neck and momentarily closed my eyes for long moments thinking about what just happened today. What Darius just declared to me.
He wanted me back.
Fuck.
Screw you for fucking up my head, Darius.
I guess we couldn't just harmlessly meet, huh? I guess we couldn't just propose friendship because the meeting went beyond the proposal of friendship. He was proposing something else.
Could I do that to myself? After everything I had done to get this far without him?
I shook my head, slumping down in the chair where I'd carelessly thrown my coat and quickly lifted my hips up out of it as I realised I'd sat on my phone sitting in one of the coat pockets. It reminded me. I'd turned it off after he called me. I wouldn't turn my phone back on just yet but decided to after I realised Kibbie might be calling on her way back from work.
I'd spent the next few hours trying to pretend that lunchtime didn't happen. I'd gone to my local supermarket, I bought all sorts, you name it, I bought it. Mainly crappy food-stuffs.
I walked back home, stopped by the park, dropped my shopping and sat down on the grass for a short while, eventually laying my bag down behind me and settling my head on it as I lay there. The weather had started to warm, the clouds had parted, the sun felt a little hotter against me then, I could only soak it in and it acted as a strange kind of comfort. I hadn't felt that kind of warmth around me for a long time.
I totally needed that minor break between our little reunion and finally getting back to mine and hours later I was now sitting down on the sofa watching a romantic movie.
In the movie, one pretty brunette was talking to her friends about why she could never meet a decent guy. She said the last guy she made love to forgot her name. She was looking in magazines and stopped over the page of a GQ-type guy. She had aspirations, she was going to go out and actively seek this guy of her dreams. All I could do was hear myself crunch down on the fourth packet of crisps.
As I looked around me, I could see an array of the empty crisp packets of various flavours scattered around me like a rainbow of salt and vinegar and ready salted's and prawn cocktails and cheese and onions. Slob. But check me, it's not like I picked them up or anything, just sank a little bit further into my cushion until it offered me a soft support as I watched to see if this pretty brunette--her name was Tobi--was going to get this man of her dreams. He soon hit the screen, and yes, he was quite the hottie.
A whole twelve-multipack of baked crisps later, I'd trudged over to the cabinet for a glass but saw a couple of bottles of wine in there. Kibbies. She liked to drink on her lonesome sometimes.
Kibbie had just texted me now, said she was on her way and asked if I wanted anything particular because she was getting takeout. I texted back saying that I didn't mind what she went for.
Kibbie - Friday @ 20:59
Suit yourself hun. Be back in 10.
I looked back at the bottle, heavily chastising myself for even thinking about drinking in this mindset, but I quickly ignored my caution and reached for it anyway, peeling back the seal and pouring a little into my glass. I soon sat down again to settle back into the movie.
I was being pathetic.
But I thought I would allow myself to be pathetic if only for one night. Sometimes you can't fight it. Sometimes you just shouldn't. You just have to allow yourself to feel it. Sad, depressed, greedy, miserable, whatever, sometimes you should just allow yourself to be all those things. If you have to wallow in it; wallow in it. Needs must and all that. At least then you can get it out of your system and be right back to yourself tomorrow instead of holding onto it and having it fester. Sometimes you've just got to let things go, whether it's feelings, people...
I thought the bottle of wine would allow me to temporarily stop thinking. To part from my emotions for however long that bottle of wine would allow me. Part of me thought that I would slip up with Kibbie because of it. That alcohol would loosen my tongue. That as soon as she got through the door I'd be telling her about my meet-up with Darius, that I'd be spilling my guts to her like verbal vomit. It would all come pouring out and I would have no control. I wouldn't want to see Kibbie's face if I did that. In fact it might be easier to look at it under the influence of alcohol.
The movie caught my attention again. Our heroine, Tobi, was currently sitting down in an exquisite dining hall-type restaurant with her GQ-type date as he remarked on how he'd never seen earrings so big when I received a text. I lazily went to pick up my phone;
Darius Fri @ 21:09
Do you think you could talk to me?
I stopped. I felt like my heart had jumped all over again. Of course. He'd been trying to call me earlier, I'd been non-responsive.
Darius - Fri @ 21:14
If I said something to upset you earlier, I'm sorry.
Darius - Fri @ 21:14
It was good to see you again.
I responded.
Me - Fri @ 21:20
You too.
Darius - Fri @ 21:22
You busy?
Me - Fri @ 21:23
Why?
Darius - Fri @ 21:24
Interested...
Me - Fri @ 21:25
Just watching a movie.
Darius – Fri @ 21:26
Romantic? With a bunch of crisps no doubt lol
I looked back around me and smiled. He knew me too well.
Darius - Fri @ 21:26
What you watching?
Me - Fri @ 21:27
You really THAT interested?
Darius - Fri @ 21:28
Lol, I see what you mean. This is my desperate attempt to talk to you. Can't you tell?
Surprisingly, I smiled again. But I wouldn't put a smiley face in my text. No way would I want him to know he could still make me smile.
Me - Fri @ 21:29
Have you got no one else to talk to right now?
He took a little longer to answer this one.
Darius - Fri @21:35
Does that matter? I wanna talk to you. I still miss you.
Darius - Fri @21:36
Have you thought more about what I said? What I told you?
I didn't answer that. I just stared at it. Honestly, I'd done nothing but think about what he said. I'd probably be sitting there at 3am later and chances are I'd still be thinking about it. 3am was pretty much expecting me to accompany its lonely time of night so we could see in an impending dawn together.
Darius – Fri @21:41
Is there a chance I'll see you again? Say you'll see me again. Say yes Bree.
A rush ran through me at that text message. I knew he wanted to see me again, he'd said as much, but seeing it there written in front of me...I sighed as I looked down at it, then immediately looked up as I heard a key twist in the door.
I immediately dashed my phone under the cushion as I heard the door open, my throat blocked by a sudden caught breath at the appearance of Kibbie entering. I let the breath go when I realised all disaster had been averted, she thought nothing of my reaction or she hadn't caught it. I didn't know. She was already laden with her own things. Namely a bag full of two stacked takeaways over one elbow, her handbag on the other as she turned to look at me before smiling her usual bright smile.
"Got Chinese." she said, kicking the door behind her and instantly dropping everything before I even got a chance to get up.
I peeled the blanket off me and sat up on the sofa, reaching for the bag she settled on our little glass table. As I did that my phone slipped from the bottom of the cushion and Kibbie noticed me quickly slipping it back under.
"What's that about?" she asked.
"What?" I replied, turning my attention to taking the food out and setting them on the placemats.
"That." She said, her head nodding towards my phone. "You hiding your phone?"
I shook my head with a nervous laugh. "No." Excuses were thin on the ground. Literally my head went blank unable to come up with a single thing let alone a lame excuse. If I pretended it was nothing, she would soon see it that way. "Just easier to get to from where I was sitting." Yep, that would be my shrug-off.
She gave a sort of 'okay?' look, her winged eyeliner ever so slick it made her eyes take an upturned slant to them. I always thought she had wicked shaped eyes. Like chocolate-filled almonds.
"You took a while, didn't you?" I remarked. I distinctly remember her saying she'd be back 'in ten' and of course I was trying to change the subject.
She wrinkled her eyebrows as she took off her jacket. "Nah, I said by 10pm."
"No, you said in 10."
"Really?" she said checking her phone quickly. "Oh. Would you look at that? Guess you're right." She laughed with a dismissive throw of her hand.
The food smelt like my typical mix of Chinese fresh from the nightly takeaway buffet filled with an abundance of spring rolls. That place was particularly good at spring rolls. They made the best ones in my opinion, I practically craved them daily. My containers worth of rolls were accompanied by special fried rice, black-bean sauce and some sweet and sour chicken. I had the works going on and Kibbie sure knew I liked to eat it all on one plate. Great choice.
"Thanks Kibbie." I said getting up to go to the kitchen and fetch us some plates.
She watched me for a little longer than normal and as I sat back down again I noticed she was still watching me.
"What?" I said of her glare.
She paused for a second. "Something wrong?"
"What do you mean? What could be wrong?" I wouldn't look at her, just put a plate on both my side and her side of the table where she'd settled a huge cushion on the floor and proceeded to hand over her containers worth of takeout.
"Oh, I don't know," she responded, "Maybe it's the munching like crazy to a romantic movie on a gazillion crisps. I mean, that's kinda normal for you, I know, but the bottle of wine?"
Shit. I looked down at it. Forgot about that.
"You don't drink nearly as much as me so don't even go there." She added, taking the forks and handing me one. "You're a lightweight."
"You really need to stop, you know." I scowled, taking the fork she handed me. "You already work at a bar, what do you need to come home and drink for?" I asked her. "Ain't you got enough drunks stumbling out of the bar every night."
"So classy, ain't they?" she chuckled. "Here, pass me the sauce, will you?"
I settled it over to her side now.
"So what'd you get up to today?" she asked, spooning food onto her plate. Her mind totally frittered over what she just asked me. Thank God. She did have a knack of jumping from one thing to another just like that.
"Nothing much, really." I shrugged dismissively pretending my day had been uneventful as I poured black bean sauce over my entire plate.
She looked at what I was doing. "Your taste buds are so messed up." She laughed, mouth slightly full.
"So are your manners." I laughed back.
She smiled, cheeks full, then stuck her tongue out. I winced in mock torture at the sight of its mushy appearance.
"Thought you went out, though?" she said as she finished her mouthful.
I nodded. "For a bit."
"Where?" she said, sorting through her plate for her next bite-full.
I just continued to eat.
"Oh! Listen," she said wiping her mouth and swallowing her mouthful, "There's a work-do to celebrate the bars 5th anniversary and you're gonna be my plus-one for the night but—"
"Oh shit, there's a but." I interrupted.
She glared at me, lips pursed. "Oh c'mon, we haven't been out since—"
"Since last week you mean?" I said with a look. "We've been out every weekend since you finished studying. I get the feeling when your birthday comes up you'll be celebrating your 25th all frigging month."
She shrugged. "Any excuse to celebrate."
"Or drink more like."
She glared at me again. These glares were getting frequent. "Whatever. Don't start." She warned. "You coming then or what?"
"I already told you. No."
She easily dismissed me. Apparently she wasn't hearing it right now. My refusal was going in one ear and out the other. As usual. "Anyway, when you do come prepare to get separated because Jackson will be there." She smiled into her food.
Ah. Jackson. The guy she'd been having an on-off fuck-buddy style relationship with. She liked to think she was care-free, but it would be hard to convince me of that when I believed she cared for Jackson. And boy did she care about him. He was that guy, the one she so should be with. If I could put them together I'd glue them for life, but he was chomping for scraps with her, because she would never fully give herself to him in the way he wanted her to. He loved her, I just knew he did, the way he'd look at her from across the room, the way he'd hold her by the waist and whisper in her ear while she played hard-to-get and remind him that she was a 'free-spirit' who had no home and wouldn't settle.
At first he thought she meant she wouldn't settle for him, but actually she meant she wouldn't settle down. No way could he be a settlement for her, he would be absolutely ideal. He was perfect for her, but she wouldn't let herself see it, or admit it at least. It was obvious to me that she was scared, but that wasn't for me to acknowledge.
She would like me to get the impression that the sex between them was so damn great she couldn't part from it. That basically, that was the only reason she was with him casually. That in bed, two people could not be so perfectly suited. But she would insist that was not the basis of a relationship. I knew that already, but I strongly suspected that there was a hell of a lot more keeping her with him than that casual fuck-buddy relationship. She just wouldn't admit it. She was incredibly good at sabotaging herself.
Part of me started to think that Kibbie would understand maybe? You know? About what just happened between me and Darius? I mean, she knew better than anyone what it was like to have a constantly uncertain 'relationship' with someone who's undefined in your life. Someone whose connection to you was so obvious but so difficult to let go of.
But the absolute bile she had for Darius was so strong I decided not to broach it with her. Just subtly bring circumstances up maybe? Just...not now.
"He loves you, you know." I told her.
"Who? Jackson?"
"Who else?"
She sighed. "I don't wanna talk about it. Why don't we talk about you and your non-existent love life?"
"Because you said it; it's non-existent."
"We'll soon change that!" she said excitedly. "There's this guy—"
"Nooo. No. None of this 'there's this guy' crap."
"Hear me out."
"No. You're gonna tell me that's why I'm gonna be your extra for the night, yeah? To meet him. This guy, right? He's a colleague or something, am I right?" I sighed hard. "And why is it when girls sit around on a night in they suddenly start talking about boys? Boys always manage to get in the room when they're not in the room."
Kibbie laughed.
I smiled at her laughing as she said with a nod 'true'.
"I'm just saying, Bree. You know, maybe..."
"'Maybe' nothing, thank you very much." I had to put her straight. "Just eat and piss off so I can enjoy the rest of my movie."
She chuckled while trying to keep food in her mouth. "What's it about?"
"Some chick trying to get the man of her dreams."
Kibbie huffed. "God, haven't us girls got anything better to do? Why not just have fun? Forget about all that long lasting crap. Might as well tell me she's combing the lakes for a frog to kiss."
I frowned. She looked at me and stuffed a spring roll in my mouth. I almost choked.
"Just eat."
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"Sex, that's all it is." She protested after one too many sips of wine. Sips? More like giant swallows. Tobi, in the movie, had prompted Kibbies outburst. Tobi had just slept with the rich hottie, and he was sweetly devouring her. He had this worshipping way about the way he touched her, they made their night together look so tender and beautiful. I watched with that faraway longing in my eyes...
"That deep meaningful sex." Kibbie said looking up at the screen but almost slurring. I didn't think she was tipsy. Well, only slightly, but I reckon she was more tired in all honestly.
"Right" I said, reaching for her drink, "I think I'll take that off you now. You've had enough."
"No, but seriously, when was the last time you had sex? And I mean good sex. Like really earth-shattering, body trembling..."
I stopped listening. I was sure she was still talking...I just looked into the bottom of the glass I'd taken off Kibbie.
I remembered when. And whom.
Darius.
Him kissing me, hard, hungry, his insistent hands in my hair pressing his face hard to mine. His lips on my lips with forceful passion. Him then parting from my lips, licking his own to taste the remnants of my flavour on his mouth, cherry blossom I would wear, its sweet flavour so damn affecting. Him ripping my vest open bursting the short buttons at the top. I'd gasped, only to have him passionately kissing me again, tasting me like I was an irresistible dessert, moaning into my mouth, taking my breath away, sliding his sure hands possessively around my waist to yank me hard against him. Him turning me around flipping me down against his desk, my chest hitting the polished wood, my cheek pressed against its surface, his hand coming over the back of my neck to keep me there with a rough threatening grip as I dared him to do it. We had argued, so we were f***ing. As always. Him lifting my skirt up, pulling my knickers down, then feeling him use his length to tease me before his hardened self could be felt filling me up as he slid up between my...
"Bree?"
I snapped right out of it swallowing hard and blinking the explicit images from my eyes, rubbing my collarbone. My palms were clammy, my chest also. How long had she been saying my name?
I had a secondary jolt and almost spilled Kibbies wine, I was blaming absence of mind for that. "Sorry," I stumbled over my words as I cleared my throat, coughing a little and set it on the table. Oh God...what the hell was happening to me? Could I not get a grip?
Damn it. I was officially flustered. And horny.
I hated to admit it but Darius was right; we were most definitely fire in bed. Fucking volcanic.
Fuck Darius for coming back and making me rethink things I hadn't thought about in...gosh...so long. I quickly changed the subject. "So...you and Jackson..."
She glared at me.
"What?" I innocently looked back at her.
"I know what you're gonna say, that's what." She threw back.
I thought about what she was doing with him. "Could you ever really have a sexual relationship with him and not get your feelings involved? In any way? At all? I mean, really? Is this a truth you can convince yourself of?"
"Living proof right here."
"I don't believe you."
She stopped and put her glass down, blinking at it and pursed her lips as she paused for a second. After a heavy exhale she said, "Jackson knows the score with me. He knows. As long as we both know where we stand with each other there can be no confusion, no hopes, no disappointments, no betrayals or deceit. We're open about that. We know where our strengths lie together. They lie in bed."
I watched her as she said that. If that's what she wanted me to believe, then...so be it.
"So if I said I would strike up the same kind of relationship you wouldn't get mad at me?"
Her brows furrowed. "Why would I get mad at you?"
I swallowed. Damn, wrong choice of words. I was giving things away already. My mind was totally cursing at me right now. Swear words galore.
She sat more forward now, "Bree? Why would I get mad at you? What are you doing?"
Her eyes widened, "You fucking Jackson?"
My eyes widened with her. If I was still drinking right now it would have went splurting. "NO! God no!". I protested. If I wasn't so horrified I'd have found it funny. I mean Jackson was a seriously good-looking dude, but damn he was hers!
She looked at me warily. "Then...look, we're both grown, girls in our twenties having fun. You want a fuck buddy? Get one. But lay out the rules because y'know, you're sensitive. It wouldn't work for you. You've already gone through a load of crap with that loser ex of yours. But if you do, get your rules straight, make sure you both know where you stand. No strings attached. None at all. Can't get much more fun than that."
Hmm. What was I thinking? A fuck buddy relationship with Darius? Out of my freaking mind! I mean, sure he'd bought up the sex, but I'll be damned if he gets to sleep with me while still with her. I'll be damned alright.
That idea was getting knocked on its head. There were a million and one men worthy of me. Totally. Why cling to this one? Sure the sex was...damn, stop it! Was it hot in here? Just me then?
My phone jolted with vibration. Kibbie had just left to clear her plate and other bits from the living room, she'd practically wolfed down her food and was still chewing when she got up. I had to make sure she was steady on her feet because she'd also had more than a couple glasses of wine with that. I quickly took a peek at my phone, suddenly aware that if I continued to be so sneaky about it Kibbie would get suspicious. So I just openly looked at it.
Darius - Fri @ 22:51
Meet me.
I swallowed back at it and quickly cast an eye over to the kitchen. Kibbie was currently still banging plates in the sink.
Me - Fri @ 22:52
I don't think so.
Darius - Fri @ 22:52
Come down.
Wait, what? No. Way.
Me - Fri @ 22:53
You downstairs?
Darius - Fri @ 22:54
Unless I'm at the wrong place? 28 Flat D? Still living with Kibbie, right?
Damn. That was the one thing that didn't change. But hell, we did swap numbers in our email correspondence...this was all on me.
Darius - Fri @ 22:55
Don't make me stand outside throwing pebbles at your window. I could if you want. I know you hate me singing, I'll serenade you from here.
Me - Fri @ 22:56
Darius, no! Just leave. I'm not coming down.
Darius - Fri @ 22:57
No? Okay. I'm coming up.