You have no idea of how much time has actually passed.
It could be that only a couple of minutes have elapsed since Kylo told you you had mentioned your mother's name in your sleep. It could be an hour. It could be two hours.
Lillian.
How did that name resurface? Where did it come from? What had pulled it from the depths of your subconscious? After all this time of trying to remember her name, trying to assign a face to the long-lost memory of a mother, trying to remember the colour of her eyes or the sound of her laughter, or the last time your eyes met hers.. After all the pain that you felt constantly engulfing you every day that you have been on this starship, training for the First Order.. After it all, finally, there was a shimmer of hope.
You're so lost in your own little world- trying to picture your mother's face, your mind desperately trying to come up with a way on how to find out if she's alive- that you don't feel Kylo's eyes on your face, hungrily taking in every detail as if this was the first time he's seen your features.
You don't hear his heart speed up as he reluctantly lets himself fill up with a new burst of hope at the thought of seeing you reunite with your mother- a part of your family, a very important part. Maybe this reunion would start pulling you back into the Light side.
He scratches the back of his neck as he watches your eyes dart across the room- he knows you're in deep thought, listing all the possible places where your mother could be located. A pang of guilt starts to be felt in his stomach; part of him knows that even though the whole idea of taking away young children from their families to train them as Stormtroopers was Supreme Leader Snoke's- he had been a child himself and wasn't even part of the First Order when the Child Taking Act had started- he had never put a stop to it.
He had never cared where the Stormtroopers were coming from, as long as there was an army to back him up on his quest to destroy the last remaining Jedi.
He had never really thought of Stormtroopers as being human. They were deadly fighting machines; machines without a brain, incapable of doing much else except taking orders.
That is, of course, until he met you.
He had sensed the arrival of your presence as soon as you were dragged onto the Finalizer. Thirteen years old- screaming, shouting bloody murder as the Stormtroopers carried you on board, along with twenty or so other teenagers. He had been sixteen then, had just began to feel the call to the Darkness. Had just been exposed to the rage and hatred.
Your presence had been so powerful. He was surprised Snoke hadn't felt it too as soon as he had. But it conflicted with his- Kylo's- it was pure, innocent.
It was good.
He had never bothered to find you. He figured someone else would eventually sense you didn't have it inside of you to carry out the dishonourable acts of the First Order and have you killed. He hadn't cared. He had a lot of training to do, after all.
But after the whole incident with the girl- the scavenger- after coming so close to ending her- something which he now regrets deeply; after learning that his uncle is still out there somewhere, still fighting for what's good.
After all this, he knew he needed someone to convert him. Killing his father- an act so often on his mind, an act that never failed to make him feel as if someone has just punched him in the chest and left him devoid of all oxygen- was supposed to turn him into a ruthless murderer, one incapable of feeling any remorse, regret, or quite frankly, any emotion other than hate. But it hadn't.
He was never that kind of human. He had rebelled, he had proven his point- whatever that had been- he had been weak enough to let Snoke tweak with his mind. He had shown his respect for his grandfather in all the wrong ways.
That's all over now.
Now, he's scared.
He had sought you out because he could no longer bear to go another second without finding out where that pesky pure aura was coming from. He had found it so incredibly annoying at first- he felt your presence all around him, pulsating with goodness and purity. He needed to find who the aura belonged to.
He had to snuff it out. Turn the white into black.
The initial plan that Snoke had hatched once recognising your true power was to train you alongside Kylo. He sensed you were just as powerful as Kylo was- just less trained, and more naive.
Kylo- trying to be as obedient as possible- had agreed to be your Master. He wanted to corrupt you, to turn the good inside of you into evil as he had seen Snoke achieve hundreds of times. He wanted to prove he could do it.
But the nightmares wouldn't stop.
The voice at the back of his head seemed to have no intention of shutting up.
The feelings kept growing- one feeling in particular- a feeling that was supposed to be totally extinguished after he killed his father- kept swelling from the bottom of his heart.
Love.
He was sure that what he felt for you was love. It took him months to figure out. He tried to suppress it. Hide it. But the connection- it was undeniable.
So he changed his plan of action, his strategy. Slowly, he let himself become vulnerable. He let his walls down and let you in.
If he couldn't- and after all, didn't- want to turn you Dark, then he'd let you turn him Light.
But Snoke's presence was everywhere. It was too powerful. It had gotten to you before Kylo could get you out of the ship. Your mind wasn't weak- but you were all too naive. The evil got to you.
He had let it get to you.
And for that, he hated himself.
But now- now there is hope. It's faint, but it's there.
"We need to find her."
Your words snap him out of his trance and he faces you to find you looking at him, your eyes wide, focused. Determined.
The energy rolling off you in waves is strong. It strengthens him.
"I have a plan," he begins, contemplating whether or not he should take your hand in his. He's not sure whether the feelings are still there.
"Tell me," you say, spitting the words out. Every second feels wasted- your mother is out there somewhere. The suspense is killing you. You stand up, stand in front of him, your hands on your hips.
"It's simple," he continues, this time standing up, towering over you. "We leave. We find your mother. I find my family.. Or what's left of it." His eyes drop to the ground as he utters the last few words.
It makes your heart feel like a crack is running through it from top to bottom.
Your poor Kylo. Manipulated to become the person whom you once could not stand to even look at. Strong enough to turn into the person you now love- or used to love?
Seeing his face subtly crumple at the mention of his family, it all becomes too clear of what has happened.
The fucked up love story that happened aboard a starship manifesting with evil and hate.
You tried to turn him. You had seen the potential in him. He was trying hard to become someone he wasn't destined to be.
He tried to turn you. He had seen the potential in you. He thought you were trying hard to resist becoming something you were destined to be.
When he had left you for his mission, when you had spent nights sure that he was dead; you felt as if there was nothing more to fight for, you had let yourself go weak. That is why your energy now feels corrupt, dark. It feels heavy, sinister.
You had sacrificed your good to see him change.
But maybe, it isn't too late.
Looking at him now, a powerful feeling is trying so hard to take over your whole body. You're resisting it, but you don't even know why. The curve of his lips, the sharp line of his jaw- you can't deny that your fingers itch to touch them again.
And maybe you will, soon.
Because it isn't too late.
It never is.
Snoke's plans no longer matter.
You have your family to find.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A/N: Hello you lovely beings!!!! I've been working on this part all day instead of studying for my super duper hard exams fast approaching buT OH WELL WHO EVEN CARES KYLO REN IS WAY MORE IMPORTANT THAN UNIVERSITY. I just wanted to give you a heads up and let you know that the ending of this book is coming soon, and by soon i mean maybe 5 more chapters, 10 maximum. i'm reALLLYYYYY incredibly sad about it, but i don't want it to be dragging (i feel as if it's already dragging quite a bit now already) but yeah. i'm not quite sure if i'll write a sequel, because i feel like it can never compete with this book (someone messaged me and said that it's the most read star wars fanfic on here???????????? how on EARTH did that happen????) HOWEVER i really really really really really REALLY wanna write a bucky barnes fanfic :((((( would anyone be interested in that? (PLEASE SAY YES LMAO I LOVE BUCKY HE'S SUCH A NATIONAL TREASURE I NEED TO WRITE A STORY ABOUT HIM) i also have 2 more books i need to update- my daredevil one, and Kylo's one- his story before the first order. i'll definitely be writing those in summer but maybe i could start the bucky one now?11!?!?1/! idk man. sorry for the long note if you've read it all you are a precious being and i love you and thank you for reading!!! x