Adam turned away from the TV and stared out the window. Jane remained silent, bracing herself for this latest onslaught of lyrics. She watched as the screen went black, and then a curtain rose on Adam standing at a microphone, holding his guitar. His eyes were closed as he sang the opening lines.
You push me.
I don't have the strength to
Resist or control you,
So take me down, take me down.
You hurt me,
But do I deserve this?
You make me so nervous.
Calm me down, calm me down.
Wake you up
In the middle of the night to say
I will never walk away again.
I'm never gonna leave this bed.
So you say go, it isn't working,
And I say no, it isn't perfect,
So I stay instead.
I'm never gonna leave this bed.
So come here,
And never leave this place.
Perfection of your face
Slows me down, slows me down.
So fall down.
I need you to trust me.
Go easy, don't rush me.
Help me out, why don't you help me out?
Take it, take it all, take all that I have.
I'd give it all away just to get you back.
And fake it, fake it, I'll take what I can get.
Knocking so loud, can you hear me yet?
Try to stay away, but you can't forget.
Wake you up
In the middle of the night to say
I will never walk away again.
I'm never gonna leave this bed.
So you say go, it isn't working,
And I say no, it isn't perfect,
So I stay instead.
I'm never gonna leave this bed.
Take it, take it all, take all that I have.
Take it, take it all, take all that I have.
Take it, take it all, take all that I have.
Take it, take it all, take all that I have.
Take it, take it all, take all that I have.
Take it, take it all, take all that I have.
Take it, take it all, take all that I have.
Adam took a deep breath and squared his shoulders as the final lines faded, and he heard her switch the TV back off again. Was it enough, he wondered. Would she understand what he was trying to say?
It wasn’t the song Jane had been expecting. Not another angry breakup song – a love song of sorts, but not a simple one. I don’t have the strength to resist or control you, the lyrics said. Did he understand how controlling he had been? What had he said just now? “I forgot for a little while that you were a separate person.” Did he get it now? Was she being unfair? Had he changed, after all?
“When did you write that song?” she asked.
“After you sent the text.”
He turned again to face her. She was still staring at the darkened TV screen with the remote in her hand, but she looked up and met his eyes as he turned.
“I thought you wanted to keep it casual,” she said.
“I lied. I was afraid it would scare you away if I told you the truth.”
“What’s the truth?”
He paused a beat before replying. Every instinct screamed for him to backpedal. Play it cool. Fake it, fake it, I’ll take what I can get. It’s what he had always done with women. She was the only one he’d ever allowed to witness the true depths of his feelings – and it had given her a power to hurt him unlike any other woman he’d ever known. But he had come this far. He had already put everything on the line the moment he switched on the TV. There was no way back, only forward. He glanced away from her for a moment, pressing his lips together in a line. Then he met her eyes again, the uncertainty in his face replaced by a look of determination.
“What’s the truth, Adam?”
“That I’m in love with you,” he said. “I never got over it. I can’t get over it.”
Jane studied his face. Was it possible she was wrong about him? Take it, take it all, take all that I have. This wasn’t a game, a powerplay. He was subjugating himself, she understood with a shock. He loved her, and now he was putting himself completely in the palm of her hand. He was hers to hold or to crush, as she saw fit. She remembered the look on his face that first night in his hotel room when he told her about the phone number tattooed on his arm – the pain she saw there when he confessed why he had gotten it. You hurt me, but do I deserve this? It wasn’t about control, all those phone calls. All those songs. It was about being in pain and desperately wanting to stay connected to her in some way, in any way possible. It was an impulse she could understand well enough. She, who had spent her nights listening to his music, reading his interviews, watching his old videos all these years – it was the same for her, wasn’t it? She couldn’t get over it either.
“Adam,” she whispered back, tilting her head to one side. “I love you too. I always will. And it’s a beautiful song.” He took a step toward her, reaching out. She held up her hand to stop him. “But you can’t make something work just by writing pretty songs,” she continued, shaking her head. “That’s not enough.”
Adam let his arm drop and took a deep breath. He was so close to getting through to her – he could feel it. Knocking so loud, can you hear me yet? The door she’d slammed in his face a few minutes ago had reopened just a crack. He just had to keep her talking now. He had to find the right words.
“So let’s talk about it,” he began.
“What is there to talk about? You live in LA. You’re on the road six months out of the year.”
“So maybe we’ll both have to make some compromises. I might have to slow down, stop touring. You might have to move to LA and get a new job. There are lawyers in LA, I’m pretty sure. It won’t be the suburbs, unless you consider Beverly Hills the suburbs. But there could be room for a couple of kids.”
“What are you saying?”
“I know I can’t give you everything you ever dreamed of. I can’t give you a perfect life. But I can give you something. I can give you a life. I can give you a better life than this.”
Beverly Hills? Jane thought to herself. A couple of kids? I will never walk away again. I’m never gonna leave this bed. Was he talking about forever?
“It was two nights!”
He heard her voice rise in agitation, and he reached out his hand again to steady her. I need you to trust me. Go easy, don’t rush me. He took hold of her elbow and held her eyes with his own gaze, calm but intense.
“Just explore it with me. Just don’t run away.”
She stared back at him, feeling punch drunk. How many times could a person go from hope to heartbreak and back again in the course of one evening? You say go, it isn't working, and I say no, it isn't perfect. Had she been wrong all along to walk away from him? Had she missed out on a good life because she was holding out for a perfect one?
She struggled to take it all in – the song, the playlist, the words he was saying to her now. She strained to comprehend what it all meant. That all the other women had been nothing to him. That he’d been obsessed with her all these years, just as she had been with him. Most of all, that he’d been listening. He knew what her dreams were, and he understood at last that they were no less important than his own. If they were going to make a life together, it would have to be a dance back and forth, but no one would be leading, no one following.
“Please, Jane. I can’t—“ he stopped for a moment, swallowing to steady his voice. “I’ve written so many songs. I can’t spend the rest of my life writing songs to you. Please. Don’t make me let you go again.”
A tear had escaped and was slowly making its way down Jane’s face. Adam reached up and gently ran his thumb across her cheek. She felt paralyzed with doubt, but she knew what the answer had to be. Try to stay away but you can’t forget. She had tried to forget him so many times before and failed utterly. She couldn’t push him away again. If she did, she would spend the rest of her life wondering what might have been. She gave way to him, allowing him to wrap his arms around her as she pressed her face into his chest.
Adam felt her tears spilling on his shirt, and a new wave of song lyrics filled his head.
Please don't lose your faith.
Don't worry 'cause I'm here to keep you safe.
I promise if you let me see your face
That I won't let you down
I won’t let you down…
I’m here to wipe your eyes.
Whatever her answer, he knew then that he would never be finished writing songs about Jane. She was the music stuck inside his head. She always would be.
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