[trigger warning, read at your own risk]
Josh is frozen still, eyes staring at Tyler who's on the floor, blood dripping down his forehead and tears down his cheeks. He's crying and he's shaking and Josh can't breathe, he can't move.
"Tyler, I'm sorry, I-I don't know what's gotten into me..."
Josh approaches him but Tyler moves back, sobs choking him.
"Tyler, please..."
By now, there are tears streaking Josh's face yet he doesn't care. In fact, he deserves them. Tyler is still shaking when Splashy runs over to his feet, licking his ankle. Josh extends his hand to touch Tyler but Splashy turns around and growls at him. He instantly backs away, his heart shattered into a thousand pieces.
July 1997 (Tyler is 9 years old)
"Come on!" Derek is calling out for Tyler who's picking up his soccer ball and running inside after him. Both boys are sitting at the dining table eating spaghetti and meatballs while drinking orange juice, that's when Derek knocks his glass on the floor and it shatters.
It's loud, it's messy and he panics. Derek gets up and starts to pick at the glass, cutting his fingertips carelessly, blood mixing in with the orange juice; the acid is stinging and burning him but he couldn't care less, he just needs to clean this up before his father comes back downstairs.
"Derek!" The footsteps are echoing in the house as they shuffle across the second floor of the house. "What did you do!?"
The voice is angry, it's loud and it's sounding all throughout the house. Tyler gets down to the ground, and he starts to wipe up the juice as fast as he possibly can. As fast as any shaking nine years old boy could.
"Derek!!" He's there. He's hovering over both boys, his shadow like a thunderstorm of raging clouds.
"Father, I'm-I'm sorry." He's stuttering, Tyler can't move.
The father lifts up his hand and brings it back down with a great deal of force, knocking Derek over as he slaps his delicate face. Tyler is shaking, he's not breathing. Derek's father is staring at him with cold eyes before turning on his heels and heading back upstairs.
"Clean up the damn mess!" He screams back before he's gone, the floorboards creaking with each step he takes, luckily the sound is fading out.
Tyler turns his head and looks at Derek, the large bruise on his face now has a freshly open cut in it. Tyler leaps over to him and hugs his friend who's silently sobbing in his chest. That's what friends are for, right?
Present Day
Tyler is squirming and he's crying and he can't breathe but Josh is holding him tightly against his chest. His hand in Tyler's hair, his face hidden in the crease of his neck and Tyler can feel the salted tears against his skin.
"Tyler, I'm so sorry."
Josh pulls back and carries Tyler as he shakes, the look of awful sadness Derek had carried on his shoulder for days and weeks and months, is edged in his brain. Tyler had been thankful the day it ended, yet the ending was so tragic; it burned a permanent hole through his heart.
Josh sits Tyler on the floor of their bathroom and grabs a towel, wetting it before gently bending back down to dab Tyler's cut above his eyebrow. He hisses and Josh pulls back immediately.
"I'm so, so sorry..." It's barely a whisper and his voice is cracking but he manages to croak out another apology. "Tyler, please, say something..."
Tyler can't think, he's got the picture of Derek's small tomb engraved in his memory. He was 10 when that happened, he shouldn't be recalling this kind of horror at such a young age. His bones were held together by his nightmares and his fright. At least his suffering was over.
Then Josh knocks something over, the thud snapping Tyler back to his unrealistic situation. The pill bottle rolls over by Tyler's feet and Tyler gasps as he catches sight of the name printed onto the label: Joshua Dun.
Before Josh could protest, Tyler's fingers are gripping tightly around the bottle, then he's reading the label.
"Tyler, I-I can explain."
Tyler looks up at Josh, waiting for his explanation. It better be a damn good one. "Since when?"
"Just over a week..."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I didn't want you to think I'm weak...it's just, ever since the accident with Thomas and shit, it's been really hard. The doctor says I have PTSD."
Tyler looks at him, he's hurt. How could Josh think, for even one second, that he'd find him weak? After everything they'd been through, Tyler found this almost disrespectful.
"You lied to me. Again."
"Tyler, it's not like that, I swear."
"Than what is it like, Josh? Huh? Cause right now, it sure as hell looks like you're lying to me, going behind my back once again. I'm done with you trying to protect me."
Tyler is on his feet and walking back to his room, Josh follows him quickly.
"Tyler."
"Get dressed."
"Wait, why?"
"We're going to talk to your doctor about your meds, I've had those before. When the dosage isn't right, it has really violent and impulsive side effects."
Josh walks towards his closet, pulling out some black jeans and a t-shirt then turns to Tyler.
"Here."
Josh gently places a bandage on Tyler's cut and leans in to kiss him, but the boy pulls away. Instead, he turns around and heads to the door to put on his vans.
Why, Josh, why? Why do you have to be like this? Why do you have to ruin everything? Why?
***
They just left the office and Josh is quiet beside Tyler on the ride back. They're on the bus, Josh is gripping his knee, trying to fight the urge to reach for Tyler's hand. It's killing him because he's never loved someone like he loves Tyler. He needs him.
The doctor changed his dose to 50mg and if that's still too strong than to bring it down as low as 25mg. Josh is relieved, there was a reason he got so violent. But that's still no excuse; Josh will never forgive himself for laying a hand on Tyler in a way that wasn't sweet and loving.
When they get off the bus, they walk back to their apartment, hopefully, the silent treatment will end. Though, it reminds Josh of that one time their tour bus broke down near a forest. They ended playing hide-and-seek and Tyler was silent in the trees; he's surprisingly good at hide-and-seek.
When they walk in, Josh can't take it anymore. He's in so much pain, his quiet suffering brings him to run to their room where he shuts the door, the lights and strips himself of his clothes, hiding under the covers. He's crying into his pillow, begging for sleep to take him away. Won't you say goodnight so I can say goodbye?
The door opens a little, it's now quarter pass-seven and Tyler walks in the room. He looks down at Josh, he can hear him silently weeping into his pillow.
Tyler can't take it, he throws himself onto and bed and pulls the cover from over Josh's head, his red hair making an appearance against the chocolate brown covers. Tyler pulls Josh up and grips him so tight, tighter than he's ever done before.
"I can't lose you, I'm so sorry, please be okay. I'm sorry, I love you and I got scared. Sacred that you weren't telling me stuff because you wanted to leave me and this last week you've been acting so strange I was sure you were gonna break up with me. I'm so sorry, Josh. I love you so much, please don't leave, I need yo-"
Josh shuts him up with a kiss. He's rambling and he's adorable and Josh has fallen so damn hard for this boy, but right now he just needs to feel his lips on his.
"Tyler," Josh whispers as he pulls back, wiping the tears off his face. "I will never leave you. I love you so much and you mean everything to me. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I was just so terrified and I didn't know what to do. I just wanted to be good enough for you."
"Joshua William Dun, you're so fricking perfect in every single way, to me especially."
They're sealing their words with a kiss and Josh is gripping at Tyler's hips, pulling him into his lap. Tyler wraps his legs around Josh's hips, as Josh's fingers tease the hem of Tyler's shirt, trying to tug it off. They break apart for a second, the longest second, but just enough time for Tyler to pull his shirt over his head, tossing it in a corner of their room. Josh's lips are on his neck, sucking bruises and marking him as his as he waits, Tyler soon moaning and his eyes are shining brightly because he's missed Josh so much. Josh is feeling good, better than he has in a few months; he's full of energy and they've got all night long.