I sat in the empty bathtub in my pjs whilst staring at the black screen of the phone in my hand.
The weight that had settled in my chest hasn't lifted since this afternoon. In fact, it's gotten even heavier as time ticks by.
I tapped the phone in my hands repeatedly as I debated on what to do.
The internal war that was going on in my head made me restless.
Do I apologize?
But do I even have something to apologize for in the first place?
I mean he did lie to me.
I huffed in annoyance.
Alex and I had an inside joke.
"I must've been drunk when I befriended you," we would often say to each other when one of us was driving the other up the wall.
"I definitely could not have been in my right mind when I befriended this idiot." I thought bitterly.
I ran my fingers through my hair, massaging my scalp to try ease the throbbing.
Throwing my head back, I suddenly remembered what my dad has always taught me.
Don't let your ego get in the way.
I bit my lip as I contemplated my options.
Did I want to let Alex slip away just because of my stupid ego?
Hell no.
Am I going to let my ego get the best of me and take away one of the best friendships I've ever had in my life?
I closed my eyes before giving myself a pep talk.
"Okay, you can do this, Em. You can do this." I breathed in and out slowly, calming my nerves.
People would probably laugh at how ridiculous I was being. It's just texting my best friend. What can possibly go wrong, right?
But the fear of being rejected was overwhelming.
What if he didn't want to be my friend anymore despite my apology?
My finger hovered over the send button.
Only one way to find out.
I pressed the button and the message went through.
E: I'm sorry.
E: You're right, I had no right to be mad.
I put my phone away and stared at it as if it might explode any second.
It took 5 minutes of waiting and staring until Alex replied and my phone vibrated.
My hand shot out as quick as lightning and I opened up the text.
A: I'm sorry too.
A: I shouldn't have gotten mad at you like that.
I breathed a sigh of relief.
E: Does this mean we're good, then?
A: Yeah.
A: We're good.
It felt like I was able to breathe again after feeling suffocated for the later half of the day.
E: Can I ask you to promise me something?
A: What?
E: Promise no more secrets?
E: I don't want to suspect you. I wanna be able to trust you.
A: Yeah, okay. No more secrets.
I didn't know what I was expecting but a part of me felt slightly crestfallen.
I thought that maybe he'd race to explain everything to me or strike a conversation to make it feel like the old days where we'd be able to talk about anything and everything.
But that didn't happen.
Apparently the agreement to no more secrets between us marked the end of that conversation.
I had to be honest to myself at that point that our friendship isn't what it was anymore. Maybe it was my attempt in trying to keep a respectful distance between us when he dated Lucy. Or maybe it was something else that I wasn't aware of, but we seemed to be talking less and less.
I didn't think much of it at first, thinking that, maybe, after a year of talking about anything and everything we simply ran out of things to talk about.
But that wasn't the case.
And thinking that things would go back to normal after that apology and promise didn't turn out the way I thought it would either.
A week passed by since then and there were rumours circling around in school that Alex was dating one of our juniors.
She was pretty and I guess she was Alex's type.
One of the girls in our class slipped into the seat beside mine and nudged my elbow with hers as her other friends surrounded me to listen in on our conversation.
"Em, aren't you close with Alex? Is it true that he's dating Charlie?"
I raised my head to look at her. "Huh? Is he?"
Nia looked at me with wide eyes, "What? Didn't you know? Everyone's been talking about it. Apparently they've grown really close."
I tilted my head, frowning as I shook my head. "It's my first time hearing about it."
"I thought you guys were close?" Nia asked.
I put up a facade and gave her a smile, shrugging. "Apparently not so close anymore. We don't talk as much as we used to," I replied honestly.
I didn't want to seem clingy and show them how upset I was that I didn't know what they were talking about.
Months ago, I would've been the first to know about who Alex was chasing after, who he was closest with, hell he'd probably tell me if he had wet his bed.
As the girls dispersed once they realized they wouldn't be discovering anything new by interrogating me, I tried to think more logically.
"Those are just rumors, I shouldn't believe rumors. Alex is my best friend, I'll just ask him. I can't trust these rumors over my own best friend. He has no reason to lie to me anyways." I convinced myself.
Opening my phone, I started texting him.
E: Are you dating Charlie?
A: No.
E: Oh, okay.
E: There's just these weird rumors flying around and I just thought it'd be best to check with you first before believing any of them.
A: I'm not dating Charlie.
E: Okay then, I trust you.
I don't know why I felt as if something was off but I decided to investigate the matter myself.
Second to me, Alex would tell André about anything before anyone else. So if there's anything about Alex that no one else knows about, André would know.
I got up from my seat and walked to André's desk. I tapped André's shoulder and motioned for him to lean closer so that I can whisper in his ear.
"Did Alex tell you anything about Charlie?" I asked him.
André leaned away to look at me, surprised at my question. "Aren't they dating?"
"I just asked him and he said no?" I shared.
André shrugged, "Then maybe not?"
I bit the inside of my cheek as I thought about it over and over.
For the rest of the day, the matter seemed to put me in a daze. I couldn't focus on what the teacher was saying, it was like the whole world was being drowned out by my own thoughts.
I didn't understand myself, why was I so distracted? Why was it taking over my thoughts so much.
So what if they're dating? So what if they're not dating?
It's none of my business so why am I thinking so much about it?
Because of how big the gap between Alex and I feels like?
I used to be the first to know about the smallest things that happen to him so how did we become this?
I used to be able to trust his every word blindly, without any suspicion. So what is this?
Why can't I trust him the way I used to?
I rested my head on the palms of my hand, burying my hand in my hair and massaging my scalp.
Why am I being this way?
My heart was begging me to believe Alex over everyone else's words, over the rumors that everyone has been hearing about and spreading.
But my head knew that I was being lied to.
And that made me hate my heart even more.
How can it be so pathetic?
My head was ordering it to snap out of it but it's so stubborn, it refuses to budge and it's making me pissed.
By the time that I got home from school, I had turned furious.
At myself and Alex.
My head had won the war and I was pissed at Alex for lying to me again, for breaking our promise on how we were never going to have any secrets between us.
And I was angry at myself for blindly trusting Alex, for believing his words the first time he said it.
I was angry at myself for being so weak when it comes to him.
And that was the day I wordlessly cut Alex out of my life.
I know it might seem ridiculous and childish to cut someone out of your life due to something that had seemed so trivial.
But promises were sacred to us.
Our friendship was built on promises and trust.
We became friends because I promised not to tell anyone about his crush and he trusted me to keep that promise and help him with his love life.
We became close friends because we promised each other that we won't tell anyone the things we talk about and we trusted each other with our darkest secrets.
But even when we stopped all sorts of contact, it didn't make much of a difference in our everyday lives. Our friendship had become so strained by then that I didn't think either of us noticed that it had ended. But it didn't lessen the pain for me. Because to me, I was the one who was left behind.
Whilst he had a change of heart, whilst he grew and changed, I had clung onto our friendship and wished everything remained the same like an idiot.
I used to believe that people can grow and change together, remain friends forever; it was what I had wished for Alex and I.
But that didn't happen.
And I learnt it the hard way.
It's the hardest thing: cutting ties with someone who you used to talk to everyday, who you shared so much memories with.
To this day, I never understood what made me think that he lied to me, breaking our promise.
I never understood what made me believe the rumors over him.
My fragile trust in him?
I guess I can blame him for that, for lying to me and keeping the fact that he smoked a secret from me for such a long time.
And I guess I did blame him for that.
I blamed him for quite a while and I silently held it against him.
But one day, as I looked out of the car's window and thought about our friendship like I always did, I came to the realisation that it didn't matter who had hurt and who had suffered.
Our friendship wouldn't have lasted no matter what had happened.
We both changed into different people and it just so happens that the people we both became to be couldn't get along as well as the old us did.
It took me a while to understand that. But even as I realised that, it didn't help me come to terms with how our friendship ended.
To think that the guy I used to talk to every night until I fell asleep, the guy I confided in about every problem I had, became a friend I talk to once in a blue moon.
The understanding that came to me did nothing to make me feel better when I'd have nothing to busy myself with and end up thinking about him and our friendship.
It didn't make my heart ache less when I thought about how close we used to be and how we are now.
"What would he be doing now?" I'd often wonder to myself as I let my eyes go out of focus and let my mind wander.
If he was still anything like the old him, he'd probably be playing on his computer right now?
Or maybe he's in the mall playing with that set of cards that's been trending for a while now?
Knowing him, he's probably already bored with those set of cards though.
I think the hardest thing that I have gone through after cutting him out of my life was the memory of him.
Everything reminded me of him.
And it made me smile and caused my heart to ache at the same time.
If someone had asked me to describe the word ridiculous, I would probably offer them this example.
Because that was how I felt for years after.
Ridiculous.
~~~~~
Thanks for reading, everyone!
Have a good weekend!
God bless,
-J