Title: Millennium
Author: Kat Elyse (qtdxll)
Genre: Paranormal/Sci Fi/LGBT
Rating: PG-13 (mild profanity, lgbt)
# of chapters: 4 (ongoing)
# of chapters I've read: 1
Summary/Blurb:
Able to control their lives like puppets, Destiny has planned every detail about Solis and Luna's lives from their first breath to their last, but people can't be manipulated. Given the power to change fates by the universe, Destiny is also equip with the power of teleportation and manipulation of thoughts and actions. Bold and mysterious, Destiny guides Luna and Solis as they're plunged into a paranormal world different from the technologically advance world they're accustomed to.
Luna, the embodiment of the Moon, can control the Moon. Visions of the future and a voice torment her dreams. Driven by emotion, she's willing to risk her life for her family, despite what could happen.
Solis, who goes by Lis, commands the Sun. A single touch of an object or person can send her into a trance, revealing past events to her. Outspoken, Lis doesn't believe a word that comes out of Destiny's mouth.
The dynamic duo of Lis and Luna are destined soulmates, complicating their relationship. As they dig through the past, they uncover terrible secrets. Amber, the first embodiment of the Sun, was able to dream walk and telepathically communicate with others. Galen, the first embodiment of the Moon, had the power of telekinesis and binding. Destiny sought out replacements for Amber and Galen when they died on December 21st, 2012. The circumstances of their death are unknown, even to Destiny who seems to know everything.
Review:
Cover:
*takes a look at the genre* Yep, the cover doesn't send chills running up my spine and little children crying themselves to sleep just for the heck of it. This seems to be a paranormal story. I really like its composition, and I can tell that you've made an effort to incorporate elements within it that create ties between the title and the blurb; everything seems...right. I'll point out these links to help the writers who struggled with this aspect of their book to help them gain a better idea of the 'right way' of creating exposure for yourself.
Firstly, the use of inverted colors (or basically, heavy photo manipulation) helps convey the eeriness associated with paranormal stories. The fog, the looming forest, these are all things that add to the image rather than detract from it. In the blurb, the first line says: "Able to control their lives like puppets, Destiny has planned [...]" this manipulation is shown through the ropes tied to the girl's arms and legs. Her pose—arms raised in the air, head to one side—does, in fact, make her look like a puppet. Finally, with the title,'Millennium' , I'm thinking about the new embodiments of the Sun and Moon, who are younger and inexperienced in comparison to their predecessors.
Overall—Fabulous!
Blurb:
Before I get into the blurb, I'd like to comment on the quotes (to see them you have to scroll all they way down the blurb), from current readers of the story. I've heard that this type of thing is being done a lot recently, to emulate an actual, published book, but I've never actually encountered it myself. I've heard a lot of complaints about it being "pretentious", but to me, it's just another way to advertise your story. Personally, when I read through them, I felt more compelled to read the story. Then again, I can only ever know if this story is "a piece of artwork" by clicking on that orange 'read' button and finding out for myself.
Alright, enough about that. Time for some real talk.
The blurb was well written, for the most part, and the first paragraph really did a good job of drawing me in. At first, I was confused about whether you were talking about the abstract concept of destiny (despite the fact that it was capitalised, and hence a name, it's still tricky to wrap your head around it), but as I read on, I understand that you had anthropomorphized (which means to give an animal, object, plant etc. humanlike qualities) it.
I did find a) repetition (of words) b) grammatical mistakes and c) non-fluid transitions between certain sentences.
a) E.g. "Able to control their lives like puppets, Destiny has planned every detail about Solis and Luna's lives [...]" You've used "lives" twice in one sentence.
b) Typos, mostly. In the first paragraph 'equip' should be in past tense, and you forgot a 'd' after 'advance'.
c) Luna and Solis could've been introduced better: I feel like their appearance in the first paragraph were a little abrupt. So you should reword this.
I felt like you didn't have to include every detail of their powers right in the blurb—I'd prefer to find out about them in the story itself because I will most likely not remember any of this the moment I start reading the first chapter.
The last paragraph was unnecessary as well—I felt like you've given away too much information (plus you threw two new characters at us which probably won't even play a part in the story)and it would be best to leave things a little ambiguous. T
The last sentence: "The circumstances of their deaths are unknown, even to Destiny, who seems to know everything." Was a good cliffhanger, but instead of giving us the names you could've said something along the lines of Solis and Luna having to take over the role of the Sun and Moon due to the mysterious disappearance of their predecessors.
Now for the story!
First Impression:
The first chapter was very confusing; I found myself having to read certain paragraphs more than once to understand what was going on. The scenes scurried by like a movie on fast forward, and you threw character after character at me, without giving them enough time to really establish themselves in the story. I was a little disappointed because your blurb/quotes/cover had raised my expectations for this story.
The dream sequence was a little bulky, I wasn't sure what she was doing. Was she dancing in a ring of fire? I couldn't tell because of the purple prose—a lot of adjectives were used and because you didn't italicize the character's thoughts, I couldn't differentiate them from the narration. The 'booming voice' also seemed to pop out of nowhere.
The dream could benefit from a lengthening—the opening would be much more powerful if it begun the same way a fire did. As a tiny little flame which then grows and expands into this ring of fire, progressively becoming more intense and scary, until the character gets so freaked out that she wakes up. The current transition you have from the dream to her waking up in her classroom isn't very effective because the setting wasn't described. I thought she was stuck in some sort of madhouse from the way she described the classroom: "Rumbustious laughter begins to bounce off the four walls closing in on me."
The PA announcement was unnecessary, and could've easily been left out of the story. It didn't add anything to it. Information from the announcement could've easily been incorporated in other parts of the story.
Everything after that was a blur. I think the character leaves the school, and on her way to her mother's car she gets attacked by this creepy blonde chick that knows her name and literally drags her away. Then there is a POV switch to a character that hasn't even been introduced yet, so the first person view really threw me off (POV switches in the middle of a chapter are a big no-no). It wasn't even all that necessary—you could've easily written the whole chapter from Luna's perspective, and this would've added a lot more depth to her character and help the reader understand how she sees the other girls.
At least the ending was a cliffhanger, but I'm still wondering why the heck Luna allowed herself to get dragged along to a diner by two strangers. It all seems very strange and unlikely.
Writing Style:
There isn't a lot of variety in your sentence structure. In fact, you tend to start your sentences with either '-ing' words or dependent clauses (e.g."With a quickening heartbeat and uneven breathing, my eyes dart around." The first phrase is a dependent clause while the second is an independent clause) , and you're a heavy user of the passive voice (e.g. "Slowly getting up out of my desk, I walk towards Mrs. Johnson who was typing something hastily on her computer.") You're practically a passive voice junkie, which is part of the reason why at times it was hard to understand who the subject of the sentence was (because with the passive voice you put it after the action, and not the other way around). Use the active voice, it makes things much clearer.
Your vocabulary choices—or diction—were a little odd at times. For some words, it felt like you just picked up a thesaurus and eenie meeni miini moh'ed a synonym for it. Returning to the previous example: "Rumbustious laughter begins to bounce off the four walls closing in on me." Rumbustious means 'confused', but I think in this case you meant that Luna's classmates were mocking her with their laughter (or something).
Dialogue tags were also over-used. While sometimes it's best to use a replacement for 'said', using it at the end of every piece of dialogue isn't always the best idea, especially since they aren't always correctly used.
E.g. 1 '"Quiet down! That better not happen again, Ms. Windsor. Everyone get '[take] out your homework, Mrs. Johnson wails, wagging her poorly manicured finger around at the class.' I associate wailing with crying/whining, something a toddler would do.
E.g. 2 '"Solis, please, I just want to talk to you and Luna," she chuckles, grinning.' You can't 'chuckle' a sentence. The correct way is: "[...]" she said with a chuckle.
As I've mentioned earlier, the characters were a little shallow, because you rushed through the plot to get to the "juicy bits"—namely the part where Luna finds out about her secret identity—so I had a hard time relating to them.
Characters:
Luna—I like her name, but not her attitude. Refers to her cohorts as "teenagers" while she herself is also a teenager. Seems to have her head amongst the clouds, and is also very whiny—I found myself annoyed by her more than anything else. I also don't understand why she so easily complied with what some random chick was asking of her. She was surrounded by other students— all she had to do was scream like she just found out Justin Bieber is having a concert in her city and she would've gotten some help.
Destiny—I wouldn't say that she's assertive, just kind of bratty. If she wanted to talk to Luna, couldn't she just ask her to hang out or something? Don't they go to the same school? I would've expected her to be a lot more serious, and have a completely different appearance, considering how important her role is.
Solis—Was standing on the street throughout the entire exchange between Destiny and Luna. Creepy if you ask me.
Mrs. Johnson—She's not one of those teachers with eyes on the back of her head. Took her a while to realise that one of her students (which she treats as kindergarteners, I mean who waggles their finger at teenagers?) fell asleep during her lesson. Didn't do anything about it either—I would've expected a 'talk' after class or even a detention. Should also find a new place to get her nails done; she's currently wasting her money on bad manicures.
Donna—Just a simple waitress....or is she more than that? I'm kidding. She's just a side character, no one gives a shit about her.
Diamond rating ♢ (1—10): 6
I like the idea behind this story because of how original it is, but it wasn't executed well as it could've been. I was especially disappointed by how it didn't live up to the standards of the cover and blurb. (There was a bit of false advertising there with comments saying that it was "perfection" and a "wonderfully mastered book" because it has a long way to go before it reaches that stage) I'm seriously hoping that you'll rewrite this book once you finish it because it's a shame to leave it the way it is.
Good luck!