June 20, 2013 7:47 AM
Would you believe me if I told you I was in the hospital right now? Well, you better believe it. I haven't been... sane the last few days. You can probably guess why too.
The first day was quite... quiet. I thought Connor would come back for me. I thought he was busy with something. But he didn't come back. It was the third day of Connor's disappearance that I had broken everything in my room, and that included me. I was broken. My heart was broken. He lied to me.
That bastard lied to me.
Why discuss the future with someone if that person won't be there? Why make me feel like there's another day with you when there isn't, Connor? Are you reading this now? Are you happy? Why did you lie, Connor? You could've just told me you were going to leave.
My parents brought me my laptop today, so I could feel more at home. They thought I was going crazy again. And in a way, I am. I think I really am going crazy. Who wouldn't, right? Maybe Connor was just a dream--a dream that felt too real.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go outside for a moment. I don't want to write about me crying.
8:31 AM
You know, I wouldn't be surprised if people go insane in a hospital. It's fucking boring in this hellhole. There's nothing to do but watch the plain TV and eat their crappy food. There's nothing to do but wait for your results. There's nothing to do but sleep because they drugged you.
There's nothing to do but nothing.
I don't know what to do but write to you all. And for once, there's nothing to write about. Nothing is going on in my life anymore. There's no Connor. I guess my adventure ends here, right? There's nothing to live for anymore. I can't answer my own questions. Nobody else can either. What's the point of living now?
Oh yeah, nothing.
Maybe I'm over-thinking this. Maybe Connor has this surprise for me and it takes a while. Maybe... maybe he's reading this right now. Maybe he didn't leave me; he just doesn't want to show himself.
Maybe I am going insane.
It's been a week after all. It's been a week since he left me die to dust. I'm not mad that he left. Well, I'm not that mad. I'm mad because he lied. He had this whole thing planned out for us. We were going to walk in the park, hand-in-hand, talking about the wonderful mysterious world together. It would've felt endless. It would've been the perfect ending.
But you see, he lied. He fucking lied. He made me think that there was going to be a tomorrow. He made me think that we'll find out all the answers I've been waiting for, looking for.
Why do I care so much anyways? Connor's dead. He's dead and he'll always be dead.
Just like my soul right now.
10:12 AM
My parents brought me McDonald's. They knew that the food they have here sucked. Probably because I've been complaining 24/7. They haven't visited me much in the last few days. Once in a while they would come, checking to see if I was alive. But they don't want to do anything with their insane daughter. They didn't say it, but I can tell that's how they felt.
So, I just stayed quiet so they would leave.
They did of course, leaving me alone again. To be honest, I would rather be alone in this hellhole than talk to them. They didn't appreciate me. Then again, I don't really appreciate me. Still, they're my parents. They have to care, even if it's just a little bit.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm really adopted.
Now - June 24, 2013 3:56 AM
Connor's POV
I want to kill myself. I don't fucking give a care if I'm already dead. I want to kill myself. I want to end it all. I want to end these feelings. I want to end my life. There's no use in "living" anymore. There's no use in anything anymore.
Around Midnight.
No, I didn't want to walk into a different world and never see Isabelle again. I didn't want to go where souls go, because then I would be just another soul. The world has so many things, so many places, so many adventures just waiting for me. I've only had fourteen years of "living", I don't want to waste anymore time.
Of course, I couldn't let Isabelle go. Just leaving her made my heart ache. When I came back, just to check on her, she wasn't there. I was freaking out on the inside, wondering where she went. I decided to follow her parents to see why they keep bringing food into their car, and driving away. I had never really paid any attention to her parents, but I'm glad that I did.
Isabelle was in the hospital.
I watched her as she drew things in her sketchbook, one of me. I watched her as she typed her feelings of me. I watched her as she cried until her eyes were bloody red. I watched her when she tried to swallow down her food. I watched her stare at the boring TV, sighing every minute. I watched her talk to herself, asking where I was. I watched her every second, every day.
But of course she didn't know.
Particularly this night, she escaped the evil hospital. I didn't stop her, I would have done the same thing. She was walking in her clothes like a normal human being, walking away. I walked along with her, looking at her with all of my concern. Did I really cause all of this?
We walked like it was the end of the world, far away from the hospital. I didn't know Isabelle had it in her to walk this far. But what scared me was where she walked to, which was the Arch.
She walked to the bridge near the Arch, the one right above the Missouri River. Her pace was steady, even. And then she stopped right in the middle. She leaned on the railing, letting out a long, sorrowful breath.
"Where are you, Connor?" she croaked painfully.
It was then where she went under the railing and sat on literally the edge of the bridge, letting her legs dangle over the water. She looked down, tears slowly caressing her cheeks.
"Why did you leave me, Connor?" Isabelle asked through her tears.
Her tiny hands gripped the edge, and even in the darkness they looked red. Isabelle winced.
"How many times have you lied to me, Connor?" she whispers, and then I couldn't take it anymore.
I moved to where she was, sitting right next to her. I decided to show myself to her, letting her see that I didn't forget her. "Isabelle," I called. Her eyes perked, but she shook her head after. "Isabelle," I said again, touching her shaking arm.
Her head whipped over to me, making her wavy brown hair bounce. Her eyes widened, the shape of her mouth opened into the form of the letter O, showing her shakiness. "C-Connor..." she said, making sure. "Connor!" Isabelle cried, her arms wrapping around my neck, and I wrap my arms around her waist, making sure she won't fall.
She cried for what seemed like forever, sobbing out questions along the way. "Where--have--you--been?" she asks. "Why--did--you--lie--to--me?"
"I'm sorry," was my reply to all of them. "I'm sorry, Isabelle."
Soon we pulled away from each other, and Isabelle's cries have gone down. Cars would drive by, some I noticed watching us, but none cared enough to call the police. I was happy that Isabelle coming here wouldn't be on the news, but I was also sad about how heartless this world is.
After about five minutes of what I call comfortable silence, Isabelle began to speak.
"They put me in a white room, Connor. I was so glad they didn't put me in a mental hospital, but it was a lot worse. They knew I was harmless; I was just a little girl. There were no colors, not even flowers to light up the whiteness of the room. My clothes were white, everything was white. The only thing that told me that I was alive was the darkness of my hair."
She turned to me with pain in those blue eyes.
"They wouldn't let me take anything with me, not even my laptop. They were afraid I was going to destroy everything I took. But the only thing I wanted to destroy were my memories of you, Connor." My heart started to hurt. "Though at the same time, I didn't want to destroy them. I've waited to long for answers, why would I throw them all away?" She laughed, but it wasn't an actual laugh at all. "I understand now."
"Understand what?" I asked.
As she smiled, her tears escaped, but she wiped them with the ends of her long-sleeved shirt. "I understand why the world is so unfair." Isabelle looked out onto the water, smiling as if she's the goddess of the stars. "When they put me in the white room, it felt so empty. I knew that outside the world was full of colors. Then I realized that some people can't even see the white I'm seeing, all they see is the darkness."
She closed her eyes, thinking thoughtfully.
"The unfairness of the world is what makes us live." Isabelle smiled again. "We know that we can't have it all, so we strive for it. We have a goal, and that's what makes life worth living for."
After that, she said a sentence that made me want to cry.
"I have nothing left to strive for, Connor," she says quietly.
I shook my head quickly to object. "Yes you do. You have to answer your questions."
Then it was her turn to shake her head. "No, no... you don't get it. If I answer my questions, life wouldn't be the same. What was in my eyes before wouldn't be the same the next time I see it. Just like you."
"Just like me?" I questioned, confused.
"I didn't know that I loved you until you left," she replied.
I was stunned. "How... what does that have to do with life?"
"I used to look at you with happiness in my eyes, but right now, as you're sitting right next to me, all the memories of you and I are coming, haunting me as we speak. I don't think of you the same anymore. So why answer the questions if that's what we're all living for? What happens if I ever answer them? Nothing, nothing at all. Life goes on, only differently."
Isabelle scoots over closer to me, her hands finding my face. The sadness of her eyes made me want to just... die. But I was brought back to life, because just in that moment she pressed her lips to mine.
It took me less than three seconds for the kiss to register in my mind, and after that I responded gratefully. I kissed her back, tasting her soft heavenly lips, just like I've always wanted to. But the kiss ended too fast.
She pulled away, wrapping one arm around my torso. "I've read everything you've wrote, Connor. Every chapter, every page, every sentence, every word. I know you love me. And you should know that I love you too." I didn't know how to reply. "But I also know something else. After this, you won't strive for me anymore, because you know that I love you. There's no reason to live, because we have fulfilled our love for each other."
"What are saying, Isabelle?" I croaked.
"My life isn't worth living for anymore. I'm done. I don't need those answers. All I want is... is to end it," she says simply.
"You can't, Isabelle," I said quickly. "I need you."
"You've already got my heart," she replies. Isabelle begins to stand up, stretching. "You left me, Connor, and it's time for me to do the same to you."
I stood up just as fast. "I'm not letting you die, Isabelle. Not after all we've been through. If you're jumping off this fucking bridge, I'm going with you."
She laughs. "I think we both know who would make this out alive."
"What happened to you?" I asked, anger on the edge of my voice.
"You! You happened to me!" she screamed to the world. Isabelle pulls out from my grip on her arm, giving me a sad glare. "You made me this way! You made me think of a different view of life! There's no other reason to live! Not a single reason!"
"Isabelle--" I began.
"Don't you dare! Don't you fucking dare! I'm done with you! You, your friends! This world is too crazy for me. This world is too crazy for everyone! I just want to end this, Connor. I don't need these thoughts in my mind! I'm too young for all of this. Dammit, I don't even know..." She wipes her tears. "I'm sorry, Connor, but I have to go. Someone has to see where all souls go."
"No, Isa--"
"Bye," Isabelle said, and she plummeted into the water below me.
A/N: HOLY SHIT. That is like.. all I have to say right now. That's probably the saddest chapter I've ever written. Please Vote + Comment .. (This chapter was definitely not edited)