(This song is clexa.. Every lyric describes their situation. It could be interpreted from either Clarke or Lexas point of view and that's what I love about it. It even says "love is weakness" and omg you are welcome you guys.. I don't ever double check my spelling and stuff cause I get excited, but soon I'm gonna edit the whole story.. I just wanna finish it first.)
"So not only did she not want to be your friend but she had the audacity to barely even try to explain. " Raven said sliding on her bra as Lexa sat on the edge of her bed. She nodded incredulously. Throwing her hands up in the air exasperatedly "makes no sense right!" She said to Raven. Who confirmed Lexa was right in this one.
"But anyways. Let's talk about you, Ms, Hypocrite. What the fuck?" Lexa pulled the girl by the back of her bra down into the bed roughly. She was upset at Raven over Octavia. She felt so bad for the girl that night. Drowning in confusion wondering why her pull towards Raven was so strong.. Lexa could relate. And frankly she was mad a her best friend for running away instead of woman-ing up.
Raven fell on the bed with a thump, groaning she tried to get up but Lexa just pulled her back down. "Can we not talk about it" she said finally giving up. Lexa shook her head no waiting for the girl to start speaking. "I'm just, I'm scared. I like her a lot, and I get tired of people easily, and I'm worried that'll happen one day and I'll hurt her" Raven said, avoiding the major reason. What she said was true, yea.. But Finn wrecked her. When she saw him and Clarke's pictures all over the news. It completely destroyed her. The fact that the man she loved, was with another woman the whole time. Not only that but they were engaged. And she had to find out after he died. The girl had no closure. She slept around for 7 months and then came this beautiful ball of sunshine that in only 4 days of knowing her made her rethink everything she did since Finn.
"She was really upset you walked out, but anyways that's not the point, the point is, I gave Clarke a chance and let her in, it's time you do the same with Octavia... No matter the consequences." Lexa said getting up, she needed a shower, a class of wine and sleep, she had a day off the next day and wasn't going to risk it for anybody.
The next day, Clarke wasn't doing so hot.
One thing is to be so distracted you don't realize your heart hurts a little less every day, another thing is to be so distracted and infatuated with a girl you forget you left your jewelry, but most importantly your mothers ring at her house Clarke scolded herself as she walked into set. She spent the night drinking again and realized right before she went to bed. She went to slide the ring off her finger only to realize it wasn't there.
She dialed the girls number, hoping she wasn't avoiding everyone still.
"Well you have some nerve" came Ravens dramatic voice on the other end of the line. Clarke nervously said nothing. "So are you gonna talk orr?" Raven added.. Impatient. She was writing a text to Octavia.. So close to pressing send when Clarke called. "Uh, yes, I Raven I'm glad you're better. Um I was wondering if you could get something for me." Clarke asked holding her breath.. She should of expected what came next. "You ditch my best friend and expect me to do you favors" Raven barked. The sound of someone whispering rang in the backround. "No-no you don't have to.. But um, it's kind of important, I left my mothers ring in uh-" Clarke started but couldn't bare to say her name. "In h-her room.. And was wondering if you could fetch it for me" Clarke felt like she was walking on eggshells.
She heard an intake of breath. "I'll text you.. I gotta go" Raven said and quickly hung up.
Raven: I'm not home right now and neither is Lexa.. We won't be for a while, you can let yourself in. Don't steal anything.
Clarke nodded. Thanking the heavens she wouldn't have to deal with either of them.
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"I'll text you.. I gotta go" Raven said thinking of something quickly and on the spot.
Lexa finally was able to speak at a normal time.. After whispering for Raven to just hang up about a million times.
"What did she want" Lexa ran the towel through her wet hair. Her guitar next to her on the seat of the couch.. A bottle of wine in front of her.
"She wanted to talk about Octavia.. " Raven made a quick excuse as she sent Clarke the text.. Pressing send to the Octavia text as well. Don't be scared.. No matter the consequences she repeated softly in her head.
Raven: hey.. I know I've been a dick. And I'm sorry. I'm not one to like people sticking around and the thought of wanting you to do just that freaked me out more than you would ever know.. We should talk.
Read at ~9:47
Raven made some dumb excuse to leave the house.. Allowing Lexa and Clarke to meet like Raven planned. She sat at the park, waiting for a reply. That never came.
Clarke entered the house slowly. Raven said no one would be home but the random chords of a guitar said otherwise. Clarke wanted to walk back out but a voice caused her to freeze in her spot.
"It doesn't take much,
To cover up small cuts,
Hid' 'neath the bandages,
Under her sleeve.
She just wants attention.
We all want attention.
She just wants it more than,
She'd have you believe."
Lexa's voice was surprisingly raspy, her hands danced on the guitar strings. The song was so sad but the way she sang it out 109% more emotion to it. Clarke couldn't move. She was entrance by the way the girl softly swayed her head from side to side, sitting cross legged on the couch, in her underwear and a loose t-shirt Clarke was almost one hundred percent sure she wore that one night.
"Goodnight,
Sleep tight,
Don't let anyone bite you.
She will leave you deaf and bewildered.
Oh how she floats like a butterfly,
Stings like a killer."
Clarke caught a flicker of something she never noticed. Scars displayed themselves on Lexa's forearm and Clarke was almost sure Lexa covered them on a day to day basis because they were visible even from across the room.
"All of the good kids,
Will darken their eyelids,
Cover in make-up,
And uncomfortable dress.
They just want attention.
We all want attention.
A beautiful kiss and a sin to confess."
Lexa finally opened her eyes and noticed Clarke was in the room. She stopped playing abruptly and put a pillows over her bare legs. She tucked her arms into the shirt.
"Why are you here?" She said harshly.
Clarke shifted from one leg to the other uncomfortable. "I left my moms ring here" she confessed looking everywhere but Lexa.
Lexa's breath hitched disappointingly. "Of course" she said her voice cold. She motioned for Clarke to go look to which Clarke obliged.
Clarke walked upstairs.. Not taking her eyes off the girl till she could no longer see her. The girl looked so vulnerable.
She entered the girls room.. Looking for the jewelry in the spot where she left them. But they weren't they. She pulled out a drawer saw a little compartment for jewelry.. Where hers sat. But in the corner of the drawer she saw pill bottles. About 10 of them. Clarke tried to just take her things and go but curiosity got the best of her as she picked up the bottles one by one reading the labels.
"That ones antidepressants" she heard a voice say. Clarke looked up shocked to see half naked Lexa standing in the doorway. "That one over there.. The blue cap, anti-psychotics.. The yellow one is mood stabilizers. The pink ones my favorite.. Xanax..oh and we can't forget Adderral" Lexa pointed at the bottles, her face unamused.
"I think you should go" she continued.
Clarke shot up, nodding slowly. She followed behind Lexa as they walked down the stairs. Lexa sat back down on her spot in the couch and Clarke walked towards the door. "You know.. I don't know why I'm so upset- " Lexa's voice stopped her once more. "You were just some girl I cast in my show.. We hung out a couple times and then you realized you wanted nothing to do with me" she laughed slightly.. But it didn't reach her eyes.
"So I don't know why, I'm so hurt.. Maybe it's because I have no idea what I did or the fact that you gave me no voice in the matter-"
"Lexa I was drunk I didn't mean-" Clarke stopped herself before she said she didn't mean it. "I didn't mean for it to come out that way.. I'm sorry" Clarke saw Lexa's face though.. She wasn't having it.
"Okay.. Now that you've made your peace with yourself you can leave" Lexa nodded towards the door.
"Lexa you have to try and see things from my-"
"No Clarke- I don't have to do anything.. You ended this.. And frankly I don't know why were being so goddamn dramatic about this just fucking get out of my life already I know you want to.."
"Lexa I don't"
"Then why wouldn't you give me a chance"Lexa whispered so softly Clarke almost missed it.
"Lexa I told you how scared you make me and I couldn't handle it.. I'm sorry.. I feel different with you, you give me this sense of comfort and happiness and I can't fall for that trick not knowing if it'll last.. I can't trust it. That's Why I reacted the way I did that night" Clarke could feel her walls crumbling at the confession. She should have just left when she had the chance.
"You never gave me a chance to give you a reason to trust me Clarke.. "Lexa frowned reaching over and poring herself a glass of wine and one for Clarke..
"I know, and I'm sorry" Clarke watched the scars once more..
"Why would you just end it? Clarke you make me feel safe too, and I was scared. But I put that aside because I was tired of feeling vulnerable all the time.. You gave me this peace.. " Lexa said taking a sip of her ear but all Clarke could do was look at her scars.
"I didn't really want to end it.. But my drunken mind told me it would be best.. I just- I can't figure it out" Clarke tore her eyes from the girls wrists and looked up to find her eyes. The anger was no longer there.. But it was replaced with a look of determination.
"We'll figure it out together okay?.." Lexa declared raising her glass slightly. Clarke mimicked her actions. "I'm still mad at you "Lexa mumbled.
The night went on, they didn't get drunk but they stayed up and talked about all kinds of things. Lexa tried not to notice the way that Clarke looked at her scars.. She really did. But after Clarke decided it would be safer if she slept over, and they were both laying on Lexa's bed, playing sims. And Clarke's eyes flickered over to Lexa's forearm she finally had enough. She paused the game and gently set down her controller. "It's okay you can ask" she said.. Giving her the privilege she didn't I've Ontari.
"When?" Was all Clarke said.. She wasn't really worried about the details as a whole.. But more about making sure Lexa wasn't still doing this harmful habit.
"Uhh.. It stopped 5 years ago" Lexa said reassuringly.
"Are you okay now?" Was the follow up question Clarke needed to ask just in case..
Lexa thought about it.. Was she?