So this took a while... but I wrote the whole chapter and was so satisfied when my laptop died and I had to write it all again.
But the dedication: To you because with your comment you made my day and gave me inspiration to write more :) hope you like this one.
Part two
“Liam, I want you to do the dishes after I finished eating. The sink is full of plates.” Liam’s father said to him as Liam walked through the door coming from school. Still having his jacket and shoes on and yet Liam’s dad decided to give Liam some work to do.
He breathed in deeply trying to calm himself down. Liam looked at the ceiling and repeated his previous action. “Okay.” He said calmly.
He saw his father crossing the hall giving him a look and then he was away into the basement. Honestly Liam doesn’t even really know what he does there all the time but he is okay with it as long as he leaves him alone.
He put his jacket into the wardrobe and his shoes under it. Walking to the kitchen seeing the dishes Liam shook my head. He pulled up his sleeves and went to the sink starting to clean plate after plate and fork after fork.
His dad wasn’t always this asshole but since his mother passed away three years ago he had no choice to drink and be like that. It is getting on his nerves but he tries to handle it because he just gives Liam more work but never abuse him in any way that might hurt him which Liam is thankful for.
He finished the dishes and headed to his room. On the stairs Liam heard some weird music playing from the basement and shrugged walking straight to his room. He closed the door and took his sweater and sweatpants going to his bathroom. Luckily he doesn’t have work today and can finish the work for school he has since last week.
He knows he is behind in almost every class but he tries. He really tries and somehow it works. He has a job in a store which sells music and magazines, stuff like that. He likes it because honestly who wouldn’t like listen to the newest music and see bands you might never hear of. So yeah it is a good job and the pay is perfect. It is enough for him. He saves for a car and if there is anything left he likes the idea to travel. Just another country and see the culture.
He entered the shower the warm water hitting his skin and he sighed in relief. The time under the shower is very precious because it is him there. Starting to hum some song he learned about yesterday he squeezed some shampoo onto his hands massaging it on his head.
All the pressure from school and his father is falling off his shoulders for a bit. At least here he can think of other things. Things which are beautiful and he likes thinking of. Like Zayn.
Zayn. Zayn, his neighbor. Zayn the guy he fell in love with but was too shy to admit it. The night when he kissed Zayn was like spring and winter, day and night, a day on a rollercoaster and a silent night watching a movie. It was so much in just kisses. He knows that taking the next best girl as a girlfriend the following days was wrong but he was afraid. Liking a guy? And this guy happened to be his supposed best friend?
He knows that this was a dickmove. Just kissing the person, holding them and then the next day having a girlfriend and kissing her in front of said person.
All the time when he was with his ‘girlfriend’ all he could think about was Zayn’s lips, Zayn’s weight on top of him and just Zayn.
He might regret what he did today but that time it was just the best for him. All he wants today is to be able to hold Zayn again and kiss him and be his.
Liam suppressed a scream when the water ran over his face because it always ends up like that when he thinks of Zayn. He knows what he did wrong and all he wants is to make it better. It hurts him more and more each day he pretends to just be neighbors with Zayn.
Every time he goes out of the house earlier just to see Zayn walking to school. He needs to see that he is okay. Zayn is exhausted and he sees it and a few days ago he asked if Zayn was okay and he didn’t know if it was okay but he needed to know. He knew Zayn lied.
He turned off the water and began to dry himself with his towel. His vision in the mirror is still blurry from the hot water.
There is no thing like a girlfriend or someone he is dating or seeing because it is useless. Zayn is the one right now and was since they kissed and maybe even before that. Then the steam disappeared and he could see the outlines of his face again.
What he saw was a guy with a tired expression.
--
Again. They are at it again. The parents of Zayn. They are fighting again. Not just in a few days. This is the third time today. Liam knows that Zayn is there and he wants nothing more but to save him. He wants him here with him telling each other funny jokes and watching movies and making out but then he remembered that Liam completely missed his chance a few years ago.
--
It is Saturday evening and Liam’s dad is in Dublin for a few days because one of his friends has birthday which means he is alone right now. It is painfully silent here and he needs air. Just some fresh air so he dressed himself up and took his keys.
Outside he let out a breath he has been holding. Just a little walk around the corner and back he said to himself so he started walking but he stopped midway.
There he sat. On a bench near a park across the street a few meters away from Liam’s house. He has a bottle in his hands and looked so small and exhausted that Liam’s eyes watered a bit. Why he does he sits there with a bottle…. Of vodka?
Liam dried his eyes with his sleeves and crossed the street seeing Zayn. His small frame with this bottle in his hands which clearly doesn’t belong there. This picture seems so wrong that Liam is so angry. How can Zayn do this to him? Zayn is the one who has his heart and now it hurts because of the way he is sitting there completely wasted when he belongs in Liam’s arms.
This moment was it. In this moment Liam knew he completely failed it… Everything. His chance with Zayn and also the chance to make him smile instead of having Zayn drunk on a Saturday. That is just wrong and Liam knows it. He knows how this was completely his fault.
“Liam?” The voice was so weak and it hurts just right. Liam tried to ignore the lump in his throat and the tears which wants to escape his eyes.
What should he do? Zayn is there staring at him with those eyes which are wide open yet look so tired that Liam wants to kiss them so they can be closed. Liam took a few steps closer to Zayn and Zayn looked at him his face pale.
“Liam?” Again it hurts Liam right in his heart.
“Zayn…” Liam tried to steady his voice but it was clear that he was near tears.
“Liam.” Not a question this time and Liam closed the gap between them and wrapped his arms around the small shoulders from Zayn while Zayn is crying into his shoulder his arms around Liam’s neck.
This is what he wants. Being there for Zayn. He wants Zayn in his arms and wants to be near him.
“You are here.” He heard Zayn mumble and Liam thinks that ‘yeah he is here’ and he doesn’t want to be anywhere else when it is without Zayn. Just with Zayn everything is good. The time where they kissed was where Liam was the happiest because he finally had the feeling that he knew where he belongs.
“I am always here.” He said without thinking.
Zayn nodded and nuzzled his head deeper in Liam’s shoulders the bottle completely forgotten.
“Let’s go.” Liam said and Zayn stood up not changing their position. On eye-level they disconnected their arms from each other and Liam took Zayn’s hand to lead him across the street.
The whole five minute walk back to their neighborhood Zayn clutched Liam’s hand with both of his hands and occasionally leaned his head on Liam’s shoulder. Zayn is a bit unsure on his feet but Liam is there.
On half of the way Liam decides that it is the best for Zayn to be at Liam’s because Zayn’s parents just keep screaming and his father is gone. They would be alone and they have time to talk and he has Zayn safe and away from problems.
Not letting go of Zayn’s hand he opened his door and Zayn was silent the whole time which was a sign of agreement.
After he closed the door Zayn let go of his hand but slung his arms around Liam’s neck. “Thank you.”
The lump was back in his throat and all he did was lifting his hand one rubbing Zayn’s back and the other tangling its finger in Zayn’s black hair. Their grips went harder and Liam pressed his eyes together but couldn’t help the tear that escaped falling down.
“Bed?” Liam asked because he was here before and it doesn’t feel awkward. Zayn was here plenty of times and they slept together in one bed millions of times.
So they entangled themselves and went upstairs into Liam’s room. After closing the door Zayn stood there. The light was off but Liam managed to find a sweatpants and a sweater for Zayn.
He gave it to Zayn who changed and Liam turned to crack open the window a bit letting the breeze in. He changed into some sweatpants and turned around seeing Zayn staring at him in his clothes and it looked perfect.
“Bed?”
Zayn nodded walking towards Liam hugging him again. Zayn might be sober right now but Liam can’t forget the picture he had seen. This is just too much to handle. He clutched Zayn’s sided so hard against him as Zayn wrapped his fingers around Liam’s waist.
“Missed you.” They didn’t know who said it first but they couldn’t help but let out a small laugh.
They headed to bed with Liam laying down first and holding the blanket up so Zayn can put his head on Liam’s chest. When they both lay there their feet tangled up and Zayn wrapping his arm around Liam with his head on Liam’s chest they are breathing fine. Everything is like it has to be.
Let me help you to be happy
In return you can help me
Let me help you as a friend
I will be here for you till the end
I will go slowly if that’s what you need
I will wipe away your tears and I will no longer let your heart bleed
Let me take you away from all your torment and pain
Somewhere Zayn starts to mumble something and Liam starts to stroke through Zayn’s hair because this… this all feels like those years ago when they did this almost every night.
“You know Liam, thanks. Really. This is so great of you like you mean so much to me.” Zayn turned his head on Liam’s chest and kissed the sweater Liam is wearing obviously wanting to reach the skin underneath it. For Liam it was just like that. As if nothing happened Zayn laid his head back in the previous position and let Liam alone with his heart beating like mad and his hands clutching Zayn’s hair like it gives him back the lack of oxygen.
Zayn is the only one who can make these things to him.
“My parents are a mess. They getting a divorce, you know?” He breathed in and took Liam’s hand as support for what he is about to tell.
“They make everything worse and I can’t handle this anymore. That is why you saw me like this, sorry.”
“Zayn don’t be sorry, please.” Again a tear escaped his eye and Liam thought ‘since when am I so emotional?’ but when he looked down at the black hair and the little nose he managed to see he knew why. This boy is just what he needs for feeling that he is human and alive.
He wants to help Zayn with everything and coping with his parents and helping him to get through this all.
“Good night, Liam.” Zayn mumbled into his chest and then he fell asleep just like that. Liam lay there for hours before he managed to close his eyes.
--
Liam was the first one to wake up with something heavy in his arms. As soon as he opened his eyes his arms went tighter around the small body that happened to be Zayn. Zayn.
It all came down at once, again. All the feelings and emotions he has about Zayn. His stomach feels so tight that he wants cry it all out but instead he was so gentle with his hands caressing Zayn’s head. He cares so much about this boy. He really, really likes him and enjoys spending time with him even when it is just lying in bed in each other’s arms.
Zayn began to move his head a bit when he looked up finding Liam looking at him with a smile around his lips.
Zayn still not removing his arm around Liam’s waist just looked at him with wide sleepy eyes and then smiled back and Liam thought about screaming again because seeing Zayn smiling like that is the best to start a morning with.
“Morning.” Liam said and Zayn nodded falling back on Liam’s chest drawing circles on Liam’s sweater with his finger.
“Are you okay?” Liam asked hesitantly.
Zayn was silent and then looked up again eyes falling on Liam’s lips and the tension was there. Liam lifted one hand cupping Zayn’s cheek. “Are you okay?”
Zayn turned his head making Liam drop his hand and tried to remove the blanket away from him that he can stand up but this time Liam thinks that no, he is not going to let Zayn go so he took Zayn’s shoulder and forced him down next to him that they are on eye-level.
“I am not letting you go, Zayn. I don’t want that so please just stay, okay? I made a lot of mistakes and won’t let them happen again. Please just stay.” Zayn stared at Liam while he was speaking and out of the sudden there were arms wrapping themselves around Liam’s shoulder and a head in the crock of his neck and a small “Okay.”
Liam let out a breath of relief and lifted a hand up to stroke Zayn’s hair. “Why were you drinking yesterday? I mean beside the parents thing. Is there something else that bothers you?”
Zayn put a hand on Liam’s chest his palm against his heart. “No.”
But that wasn’t what worries Liam. He knew that Zayn was lying but there were those things on Zayn’s wrist that Liam couldn’t ignore.
“Zayn, you know I worry about you and I care about you being well, okay?”
Zayn stayed still. So Liam did the only thing he could do right now because what he saw made his heart ache and his stomach turn. He took Zayn’s hand and revealed the scars on it. Zayn tried to pull his hand back but Liam was strong yet there were tears in his eyes.
“What is that, Zayn?”
Liam knew what these were but seeing the one who means so much to you having hurt them it’s just… It just is like hell. It doesn’t feel good at all, horrible it is.
“Zayn, tell me. God, I care so much about you, please, don’t do this.” Liam had a lump in his throat and lifted Zayn’s hand up to his lips kissing the knuckles and putting Zayn’s hand on his chest again.
“Liam…” Zayn’s voice is silent and full of pain. “Please.”
“I am not pushing you Zayn, god, but I need you to understand that I am always here for you and I won’t let anything bad happen to you that you have the feeling of doing this. I care so much about you.”
Zayn looked up with red eyes and looked at Liam. They stared at each other when Liam lifted his hand tracing Zayn’s cheek down to his neck.
“Liam it is just that everything becomes too much… Like school and my parents fighting. I just… It is too much for me to handle.” Zayn sighed and dropped his gaze to Liam’s chest. “It is nothing serious.” Then there were tears coming from Zayn. Liam couldn’t bare it and clutched Zayn hard against him letting all the tears out with him.
“Zayn, fuck. Don’t cry, please.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be. I am sorry, I should have been there for you years ago.”
Zayn stopped moving and looked at Liam.
“I would like to go now.” Zayn said and it all broke in Liam again.
He can’t keep Zayn here, can he? So Liam nodded and Zayn stood up and walked out of the room. Liam hears Zayn crying but then the door shut and he was alone letting all the tears out.
He was right, he should have been there for Zayn but you can’t correct mistakes from the past, right?
--
It is Saturday again and it’s been a week since Liam saw Zayn properly. Sure they met when they walk to school and said their ‘hello’ but more than that? No, nothing.
But this Saturday Liam is going to wait for Zayn to go outside to follow him and talk to him because this time he isn’t going to let Zayn go. He wants to be there for him and need Zayn to know that.
So when he sees Zayn he dressed himself, took his wallet and went outside as fast as possible. He saw how Zayn moved quickly down the road and he wanted to stop him and hold him tight in his arms.
He managed to catch Zayn and grabbed his wrist as Zayn jumped away immediately and winced in pain. All the emotions came back to Liam knowing that he really hurt Zayn because of the cuts. All the emotions of the past week knowing that Zayn is not well but just saying ‘hello’ to him every morning before school without having him in his arms… it just hurts. Those emotions are horrible.
“Sorry.” Was the first thing Liam said as Zayn stared at him.
“Liam.”
“Zayn.” Liam played with his fingers but didn’t break the eye contact with Zayn because this is how it has to be. “What are you doing here?” Please, don’t get drunk again.
“I need to be somewhere.” Where has Zayn to be?
“Please, stay with me. Maybe we can do something together?” It is like he was begging but he simply doesn’t want Zayn to get wasted and hurt himself more than he already has.
“Okay.” Liam sighed in relief when Zayn answered and nodded.
Both of them were silent the whole way while they walked down the street no one of them knowing where they are heading to.
But this… this is all Liam was asking for. Zayn and he close to each other. Seeing Zayn wasted and drunk the other day was so horrible and it hurt so much. All he needs is for Zayn to be healthy and with him.
After walking a few minutes Liam wondered where they would be going. Glad that Zayn agreed to stay with him he hadn’t really thought about what would happen after he convinced Zayn.
“Where do you want to go? Maybe we can buy something to drink and eat?” Liam hoped for a positive answer and Zayn nodded. Then Zayn looked up and grinned at him and Liam thought that he wants to see this smile like all the time.
They reached a convenient store and took some snacks and something to drink with Liam carefully watching Zayn what he chose.
They were about to pay when Liam covered it all. Zayn insisted but Liam just shook his head giving the cashier the money. “It is okay, really I want to. Let me do this.”
Zayn grinned again and nodded. “Thank you, Liam.”
It is outside again when Liam asked where Zayn wants to be. “This park here where they do the fireworks on Sundays.”
So they went to this park and sat down on a bench. It is already really late and the only light is coming from the street lights and the nearly full moon. In this light Zayn looked so beautiful that Liam wants to kiss every inch of his face. But he didn’t and they started eating their snacks and drinks.
Silence is something that can be horrible or wonderful and right now for Liam it is both. Horrible because he doesn’t know if Zayn feels comfortable and wonderful because he is here with Zayn. All he needs is Zayn with him and when he looked up seeing Zayn munching and drinking silently he just knew that this is perfect. He knows that he screwed up years ago because he could have had this way earlier.
“Zayn.” Liam finally broke the silence because he needs Zayn to know that. “I am always here for you. You won’t believe me but I am, okay.”
Zayn looked up and nodded simply.
Before Liam could say something in response something wet landed on Liam’s nose. Then again but now on his hand. Not even five seconds later the rain is pouring down on them heavily.
Let me help you to feel the rain
Let me help you to know love is real
Let me help to not be scared to feel
Let me help you to know not everyone wants to hurt you
Let me help you know I won't let you be blue
Let me help you feel on top of the world
Let me help make your vision unblur
Let me help you out of the darkness
Let me help you no matter what the situation is
Before even realizing what is happening he felt Zayn’s hand around his and the next second they grabbed their drinks and started running until they were safe under a bridge where luckily was a bit light.
Heavy breathing was mixed with the sound of the rain when they fell down against the wall still holding hands because no one was willing to let go.
Minutes went by and still they were hand in hand. Suddenly Zayn raised his voice.
“You know it is not like… it is not that I am weak. ‘cause I am not but it is just that sometimes it is too much, you know.” Liam didn’t even dare to say something because finally Zayn opened up and Liam can be here for him, showing him that he always will be when Zayn needs him.
“My parents fighting… it is just getting on my nerves and my mother left. She left me alone with my father and she took my sisters. I need them but she took them away. They moved outside from London so I barely see them. Also school keeps annoying me like hell… I hate it there.”
Zayn breathed in deeply and then met Liam’s eyes. Liam just stroke Zayn’s hand to show him that he is there and won’t go anywhere.
“That is why… like what you saw that is why. I know that I don’t have to do this but the pain when I… you know do this is more painful that what I feel at school or at home. It just reminds me of something else for a moment. I know it is stupid but… I just can’t.”
Without thinking Liam lifted one of Zayn’s hands and kissed the scars on his wrist. Zayn’s eyes went wide and he tensed a bit.
“What-”
“Zayn. This whole thing is not stupid and I am here to show you that you can have me as a relief because I am here. I know how this all feels like and I want you to have a way out. You know I did a pretty dickmove those years back but now I won’t let you down anymore. I was weak then because I was afraid of how much I feel for you.” It was out and Liam was full on adrenaline.
“Remember when we were in my garden having a sleepover. We thought we were so cool and then we heard a noise and went inside. We told our parents that it was too cold and then we lay in my bed watching movies. Since then I know that we will stick together no matter what. I want this to be right now, too.”
Again he kissed the scars and this time Zayn let him and even chuckled. Liam’s heart was on fire right now.
“I want you to know that I know in what kind of situation you are and that if you want to we can always talk or spend time together when you need distraction. I was where you are right now but before there was more blood I stopped. So Zayn I want you to say that I understand perfectly fine and I want you to be fine.” Liam needed a moment to catch him so he places yet another kiss on Zayn’s knuckles. “I was such a jerk when we kissed and then I just had a girlfriend when you were the one always on my mind.”
It was like everything was silent right now, even the rain didn’t matter.
“Zayn, I really care about you.”
I won't let your heartbreak anymore then it has
I won't make you hurt the way everyone else has
I want to help you so much because I can't control how much I care for you
I want to make you happy cause it kills me to see you blue
I look into your eyes and the pain makes me want to cry
I feel all the times you've been betrayed and curl up inside
You don't know how much we really do have in common
You look at it as nothing
“I don’t want you to have to live with your fears… but if then do it with me because I want to spend as much time as possible like the good and bad times. As I said I know how it is to have your parents not being okay before my mother died. I know how it is to have so much pressure on you…”
Liam gulped because there was this lump again and those hot tears but Liam fought them back.
“You deserve so much better Zayn and I will try and give it to you if you let me. Please, let me. I will show you the positive in all those things and let it be like the past and even better. Just the two of us.”
Right now Liam needed to stay calm but his beating heart wouldn’t let him. It is bumping so hard and Zayn is right there sitting next to him shoulder to shoulder while they have eye contact. Their hands entwined and Liam imagined this for years and now he holds Zayn.
I know your pain for I’ve experienced it
I know your fears for I have lived them
I want to take it all away and make it better again
I want to and will wait to be more than a friend
I will get you whatever you need and want
The way I care about I can't stop
Then Zayn did something that hurt Liam right under his ribs where he can’t touch it. Zayn tried to pull away but no, Liam thinks, no he won’t let him because all he said right now… he meant it. If Zayn tries to be alone again Liam won’t let him because he was too afraid of what Zayn might do.
So Liam held tighter and slung one arm around Zayn’s shoulder.
“Zayn, listen. I won’t hurt you, okay?” Liam breathed in and he realized that it was still raining. “I would have made a move those years ago but I was too afraid and I know it is late but I am not letting you go to get drunk again or something. I want to be here with you and we can handle it together because that is what I want and I know you too. Us together.”
Zayn furrowed his brows and still looked Liam deep in the eyes. His hair was against his forehead and Liam craved nothing more to brush it away and kiss the place instead.
“I really like you and care about you, Zayn.”
I know you see it but are afraid and push me away
Because you think I'll be the same
But I'm letting you know I'm not and I am just as afraid as you are
I know how it feels to see love and feel all the pain from before
I want to help you because we can help each other
We can end this hurt together
Just give me a chance and I guarantee
Together we can be happy.
Then suddenly the knot in Liam’s stomach loosened up when Zayn nodded with a pale face and his eyes so big and full of innocence. He wanted to scream to heaven how perfect this moment is when Zayn let himself fall on Liam’s chest and clutched his sweater.
Breathe hitching, lungs tight, hands sweaty. Liam can’t…. he just can’t think straight anymore. He tried but then Zayn is looking up and stared at his lips having his arms slid up around Liam’s neck. Immediately Liam put his hands on Zayn’s waist.
This moment is something he wants to capture. Because they were sitting on the cold floor somewhere under a bridge while it is raining and their faces so close that Liam just have to move a bit forward until they would connect and the firework inside him would start.
That is just what Zayn did then. He moved forward lips brushing against Liam’s and then Liam realized and pulled Zayn closer by grabbing Zayn’s hair finally touching Zayn the way he craved.
It is like seeing flashes yet feeling everything is pretty clear. The way they moved their lips against each other was like they used to and if they have done this a million times.
As every perfect moment it has to end. Zayn pulled away and looked Liam in the eyes playing with one of Liam’s ear and Liam smiled at that.
“So you will stick with me?”
“Yes.” Liam pecked Zayn’s nose for support and because he wants to.
“Promise?” Zayn brushed his nose against Liam’s and Liam nodded closing the gap yet again.
“Promise.” He mumbled against Zayn’s lips and they kissed again. Liam wants to jump and scream and…
They didn’t even notice that the rain stopped because this… this is just what Liam wanted. Having Zayn save in his arms and believing him that Liam will always be there for him.
Comments, votes???
Lots of love, V. <3