I was walking down the aisle, my beautiful dress flowing out behind me. Ace was grinning happily at me, his eyes sparkling. Zac and Cam were his best men, standing loyally behind him and they looked at me lovingly. I was unable to contain my wide smile, but as I tried to say Ace's name, the word died on my lips.
And I walked right by them and I went to stand to the side. I looked down and I saw my dress was a plain green. I turned round and I saw Selena winking at Ace. He laughed slightly and the members of the audience smiled at the pair of them fondly.
She stood opposite him and the priest began the ceremony. A cold sweat was budding on my back. This was all wrong. Ace was mine. Ace loved me! I tried to scream at them, tried to pull Selena away from Ace but my hands fell through her. It was like I was a ghost, I was shut out of my own life.
"You may now kiss the bride!"
Ace leaned in deep and kissed Selena. Zac let out a whoop, typical of him. Cam gave my mom a thumbs-up and I was crying, tears rolling down my face. I couldn't lose Ace. I couldn't lose the Zacs. They were what kept me going. But no matter how loudly I screamed, they didn't look at me. They didn't acknowledge me. I was nothing to them.
They were happy without me.
And then they all melted away. I was standing at the church altar by myself, holding my shaking shoulders. Alex strolled in, absent-mindedly. He was whistling an old tune, the one who Always used to. I used to call it the Warning Song and then I would kiss him softly. He would laugh at me, with me. We used to have so much fun together.
"Serena." he greeted me.
"Alex!" I breathed, relieved he could hear me and see me.
He took my hand and looked up at me, "they don't need you, Serena. I don't need you. We're tired of pretending. Why don't you let us go?"
"You're lying!" I shouted and pushed him away.
"Am I?"
I woke with a start. What a terrible dream, I thought. I walked downstairs, unable to deal with the thought of staying in that goddamn bed one minute longer. I hated nightmares. They Always got me where it hurt the most. I never dreamed of monsters, I dreamt of abandonment. I guessed I did that because it was probably the thing which was closest to happening.
I got myself a big glass of icy cold water. I shivered but it felt good. I washed my face too. I really wanted to shower but I'd wake up the rest of the house. I heard a thud and I jumped.
"Shit," came the hushed curse.
I snorted as I saw Ace crawl upwards and enter the kitchen.
"I fell," he explained, "off the sofa. What are you doing up?"
I shrugged. I didn't want him to tell him the details. I was afraid Ace would Judge me or laugh at me. He sighed and kissed my forehead. I smiled a little and wrapped my arms around his back, feeling his muscles tense slightly.
"Wanna sleep in my bed?" I said suggestively.
Ace laughed and untangled himself from me, "yeah, and then I'd get skinned by your mom. No thanks."
I sighed, reluctant to go up by myself, "okay. Wuss. Do you want to watch TV?"
Ace glanced up behind me and raised his eyebrows at me, "it's three thirty in the morning. No, I do not want to watch TV."
"Well, we could hookup?"
Ace let out a reluctant, slightly surprised laugh. I really, really didn't want to go back to bed. Ace ruffled my hair and then stumbled back to the sofa. He was too long for it and his feet hung off the edge. I thought about what I was going to do for a moment, and then I decided I really didn't want to go to bed.
I crawled into the sofa, next to Ace. My butt was half hanging out, but it was cozy and warm. Ace made a muffled complaint, but wrapped his arm around me none the less. I breathed in his smell, closing my eyes and allowing sleep to catch me once more.
I didn't have a bad dream next to Ace.
***
People were waiting patiently outside the church. There were around forty people there, including my mom. She was dressed beautifully in a lilac dress and a darker purple hat. It suited her, and made her look more tan. Her hair was elegantly braided, falling down her back. She was wearing makeup for once and she looked ten years younger than she was. My mom was gorgeous.
I was walking in a straight line with Zac, Ace and Cam. They were all wearing black suits, but Cam was wearing a red tie, Ace a black one and Zac a blue one. I was dressed in a black dress which hit slightly above the knee and peep-toe black heels. My hair was in a chignon. What completed the outfit was my dark red lipstick and black eyeliner.
I could have been going to a funeral. Funnily enough, it felt like it too.
My breathing quickened as we approached the quaint little church. My sister was getting married here to Alex. I stumbled slightly and Ace grabbed my right arm to steady me, whereas Cam grabbed my left. I was happy to know what I wasn't alone, that the boys were right next to me. I could do this. I was with them. Perhaps it was going to give me closure. Perhaps.
We all filed into the church and began to take our places. Ace, Zac and Cam were sitting on the second row with me. And then of course, I felt something which only I would in church. A very strong inkling to pee. I had needed to go before we left, but Cam had thought it was just a ploy to stall, and forced me to get into the car.
And now I needed to pee. In a church. Right before my sisters stupid wedding. I groaned inwardly and looked around. Surely there was a place to go and relieve yourself? I leaned into Zac and asked him softly.
He burst out laughing, slapping his knee. A few people angrily shushed him.
"What? The brats aren't marrying yet," he defended himself and narrowed his eyes at them.
Cam snorted and Ace said something along the lines of 'don't encourage him'. I crossed my legs, my foot tapping the ground. I really, really, really needed to pee.
"Go ask that guy," Zac nodded in the direction of the clergyman.
I hopped out of my seat and awkwardly navigated myself to the man.
"Um, where can I..." I sunk my voice down to something below a whisper, "pee?"
The man rolled his eyes at me, "you must be Serena."
I nodded, my feet beginning to tap-dance. He told me there was a building just outside the church where people got ready for weddings and that there was a bathroom in there. I had noticed it before we drove in. It was a cute little cottage. I thanked him graciously and darted outside, my black dress hitching up. Oh frick it, I thought. I was going to pee.
I skidded to a stop in front of the red door of the cottage. It opened with a forceful push on my side and I saw to my right a door. I fled inside and locked the door, almost falling into the toilet in my haste.
I washed my hands and took a deep breath. I analysised my face in the mirror for a moment. High cheek bones, wide blue eyes made larger by the eyeliner, and an attention-drawing mouth due to the lipstick. I didn't look bad exactly, but I did not look approachable. I looked sad. That was the right word. I looked sad and a little panicked.
I sighed and dried my hands before going to let myself out.
"Serena?"
I turned in surprise at hearing my name. And there stood my sister, looking absolutely beautiful. Her hair was curled and rippling down her back. Her dress was tight at the bodice and then widened near the bottom. She had a red sash around her waist, only it looked really good instead of tacky. Her eyelashes were curled and almost hit her eyebrows. Her lips were softly colored pink. She was breath-taking.
"Selena," I mumbled.
"Oh god, I'm so scared," she squealed, "but like good scared. Like what you feel before going on a rollercoaster."
I tried to smile for her, tried to smile for the girl who I used to regard as my best friend. I remembered when we were eight and I would do her hair and she would say that at our weddings, we wouldn't hire a stylist but we would do it together. We let our former selves down. I sighed slightly and then caught sight of us two in the mirror. We were night and day.
We had the same face but we were so different. Our clothes proved it.
"Serena, you have to be a bridesmaid. I decided I wouldn't have any, but this is totally a sign that you need to be," she said and picked a red rose out of the vase beside her, "here, you can hold this."
She couldn't be serious. I couldn't do that. The image of my nightmare flashed before my eyes and I started to shake my head, no. I was already attending her wedding. But that would be utter humiliation. It would rub the salt deeply into my wounds.
"You can't ask me to do that," I said.
"You're meant to be my sister. This is my special day and you're going to ruin it."
And suddenly I was fifteen again and my sister was ruling High School and she was telling me that I needed to quit Mathlete's. I agreed with regret and told my teacher. I was eleven and my sister was telling me not to have a crush on Thomas Queller since he was getting a head-brace next to week. So I focused on someone else instead. I was ten years old and I was going to buy my mom a bunch of tulips for her birthday and my sister said no, buy the roses. My mom thanked me for the yellow roses a day later.
I had spent my entire life following my sister. My voice was robbed from me and I felt small and insignificant. I couldn't stand up to Selena.
"Okay," I whispered.
Selena grinned at me widely, showing me her whiter-than-white teeth. We left the cottage and helped Selena carry her big white dress. She pushed me in front of her when we reached the church doors and I looked at her helplessly.
She pointed at her cheeks, "smile, Serena!"
The doors opened and 'Here Comes The Bride' started to play. People turned and their faces distorted in shock as they saw me gliding in front, clasping the thorny rose to my chest. My hand was getting cut up by the thorns but I couldn't focus on that. I was staring at Alex who was looking right back at me.
He swallowed slightly, and I tried to smile like Selena had commanded. He seemed to look almost apologetic. I turned my gaze back to my feet as he caught sight of Selena. His face brightened and he looked so loving and so happy.
***
I was pressed up against Alex. We were lying in the meadow. He stroked my uncovered back, letting his fingers tease and caress my warm skin. My head was nestled into his shoulder. We were sixteen and I had never been happier in my life.
I looked up and I saw that he was looking down at me with such gentle tenderness that my heart melted slightly in my chest. The very sight of him filled me up with butterflies. Everything about him was so wonderful. I was so Lucky to be in love with someone who felt the exact same way as I did. And I was in love with him. I'd never said it before, but now I could barely contain the words
"I love you so much," I murmured.
He smirked at me and we were sitting up. I could hear our friends splashing in the lake. I felt a little naked in front of him, just in my bikini. He let his eyes wander past my legs, my stomach, chest and finally settling down on my eyes.
"I love you too," he said.
And there wasn't a feeling which compared to saying I love you, and getting to hear it back. I squashed my body against his bare chest and kissed him deeply. He smiled against my lips as I whispered I love you between the kisses.
He said it back each time, every time as great as the first time. The look he gave me set fire to my insides. I was so in love.
***
And now he was looking at Selena the exact same way. It was walk down the aisle but it felt more like a march to death than ever.
And perhaps it was, because I could feel nothing but hurt in my chest.
***
TWO UPDATES WITHIN TWO DAYS? I am on a roll. I just want to thank you if you've been reading this story because the support means the world to me. A comment and vote make my day x