I woke up gripping the blanket on my bed so tightly that it almost ripped. The sweat dripped down my face left a salty taste on my swollen lips. The nightmares had gotten so bad that I sometimes woke up calling her name repeatedly with my whole face puffy. Every word in that letter keeps hunting me...The letter in which Julie chose to end us. I couldn’t fight the tears. I was weak. Always had been. I threw my hands over my face and exhaled in a pointless attempt to catch my racing mind. Jees. I massage my temple cos it aches terribly. I can’t even remember how I got home safe.
I willed my legs to work as I jumped out of bed and ran down the dim hall and into the bathroom. I switched on the light and stared into the mirror. My reflection was crystal clear and shows every bit of the lost man that I was. The pain in my brown eyes was very distinct. I turned on the cold water and splashed a handful on my face. The frigidness of the water gave me the chills that ran all the way through my whole body. I shot back, feeling the pressure of tears at the back of my throat.
After drowning in my own sorrow I made my way through the house. The house was empty. Empty just like me. I stepped back into the kitchen and find Frank zipping his coffee.
“What the hell are you doing here?” I gasped as I saw his mischievous smile.
“Pshh.. What a pleasant way to greet me right this morning Elmo..here coffee..” Resting his hip against the counter, he crossed his ankles and stubbornly settled in.
“Shut up Frank.. sumasakit ulo ko..” ..” I plopped down on a kitchen chair and rubbed circles on the side of my head.
“Tsk. Sino may sabing maglasing ka kagabi”
“I can’t remember anything.. ” I blew on the surface of my coffee, then took a quick sip.
“Okay let me tell you.. You puke on my car, you puke on my shirt and you puke on your bed... naalala mo na?”
“really?” I took another zip from my cup. Jolt of caffeine woke me effectively.
“Psh..baka di mo naalala yung pinag gagawa mo sa bar kagabi..” I was caught off guard. I closed my eyes try to remember the thing that happened last night.
FLASHBACK
I leaned in and took a big swig of my mixed drink. I swallowed it quickly and took one more.
“Stop it Elmo you’re drunk..” Frank appeared beside me.
“No! I’m not drunk Frank..” I pushed his hand away and took a sip of my mixed drink.
“What the hell Elmo.. Stop it”
“Come on.. grab a drink my treat.. ”
“Tsk.. How long you’ll be doing this Elmo?” He looked at me with haunted eyes for a long minute; then his shoulders slumped.
“Until I find her..” Looking into his worried eyes, I let him see how worn down I was.
“Elmo.. 3 years na.. Maraming pwedeng mangyari... Maybe she moved on already.. and look at you...you look like a trash...” Lowering my gaze to my glass, I didn‘t confess that I‘d wondered the same thing once or twice.
“Shut up Frank..” I squeezed the glass tightly in my hand and then slammed the shot down. The liquid burned as it slid through my parted lips and down my throat. It felt raw. I started coughing and choking.
“Easy...Look Elmo.. You’ve been looking for her over the years.. Pero anon palagi kang bigo..”
“No. I will see her again..” I whispered.
“Come on.. Maybe Julie doesn’t want to see you anymore Elmo.. Don’t you think it’s time to move on.. Wake up Elmo.. wake up..” I cringed away from the horrible bitterness in his tone, the vicious nastiness. I couldn’t contain the ferocious swell of emotion that needed release—the love and need, the anger and fear. And the pain. God, the pain. I still felt it keenly. I missed her so much. I needed her touch, her desire, her love. My craving for those things was a gnawing hunger, making me restless and edgy. I had no idea how I can survive this for another day.
Suddenly the waitress appeared with 2 drink and 2 shots.
“Here you go handsome” she smiled and then walked away. I didn’t respond to Frank.
I sat back and watched the crowded dance floor. It was brightly lit with different colors and flashing lights. It was almost giving me a headache. I jumped when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I looked beside me to see a vixen in front of me.
“Hi I’m Chrisy” She had short blond hair, blue eyes and a smile that would make most guys melt. I heard Frank laugh behind me.
“Come on Elmo.. Give yourself a break...” he whispered at me. I shifted my gaze to the blond woman.
“Moe”
“Come..Dance with me..” She lightly grabbed my arm and pulled me to my feet. I stood there frozen for a moment trying to decide whether or not if it would be a good idea. I glanced over to Frank and mouthed me ‘Go’. Just this time. I whispered to myself. I let Chrisy pull me out to the dance floor and she instantly got in front of me and wrapped her arm around my neck. I stiffened as she smoothly moved to the music rubbing her body against mine. I felt her one hand moving slowly beneath my chest to my jaw as he held my face firmly to hers. Her breast crashed against my chest. I gasped at the sensation. It’s been a long time since I got so intimate with opposite sex. Julie is my last. I shook my head to get rid of her face out of my mind. Chrisy grabbed me firmly pulling my body against hers. Her face was just inches from mine as he gripped the back of my neck pulling towards hers.
“Kiss me” she whispered. Before I said no I felt her lip to mine. Teasing me. Julie’s face flashed through my mind. Shit. I pushed Chrisy inching her arms away from me. She stiffened and loosened up. I struggle a little bit before she completely let me go.
“I’m sorry.. I can’t do this..” I walked away from the dance floor and cautiously made my way outside.
END OF FLASH BACK
“Did I actually kissed her?”
“No she kissed you. So naalala mo na?”
“Damn.. ” Sucking in a deep breath, I took a fortifying gulp and admitted.
“Pshh.. I have to go Elmo.. ipapalinis ko pa yung kotse ko”
“Yeah.. Thanks Frank and Sorry about last night..”
“Tsk.. apology accepted..” Frank left me behind I found myself staring at my mug.
For 3 years many things happened. Sometimes I wanted to believe something so badly that I deliberately manufactured excuses and ignored painful reality. I hated the thought of her spending that amount of time away from me. But I can’t hold her life or her mind. Maybe she hated me and didn’t want to see me at all. She had a world of choices now and so many possibilities out there.
So many what ifs flashed through my mind. What if Frank is right.....that it’s too late for the both of us?
*********
My day passed in a blur. I worked hard and focused on my job, using it to keep me from going crazy, but my heart wasn‘t in it. My gaze passed briefly over the two collage photo frames next to my monitor—one filled with photos of both of my parents and one of Macqui, and the other filled with photos of me Ellie and Sam. I loved having those images of the people I loved. I leaned back in my chair and stared at one of the photos of Ellie and me. . I missed him already and it‘d been only a couple of hours since we‘d been together. He’s my everything.
I startled when the phone vibrated against me, nearly dropping it. It was Macqui.
Julie may emergency meeting kami. Hindi ko kayo masusundo ni Baby Ellie.
It’s okay. Ako na lang susundo sa kanya. I replied.
As I silenced my phone and put it away, getting my feet off the chair and cautiously made my way outside.
Once on the street, I noticed so many happy couples ... laughing, kissing and walking with fingers intertwined. The sight made me think to the stomach. I set my gaze on the sidewalk in front of me and walk.
“Julie.... Julie” I hear a shout behind me snapping me to reality. The voice was familiar. I tilted my head to the right once more in an effort to get a better look at the enigma who had been shouting at my name countless times. He move towards me. I gasped as I recognized the figure.
“Elmo?”