The lobby of the motel has been messy these few days. We finished painting (the boys painted), and during that time, the lobby was closed and residents and other clients we directed through another door. We also called someone in to change the carpet. Fortunately, Jamaal called one of his "buddies" to do that work, and we got by on the payment. He is such a show off sometimes, but I was so grateful because a carpet change was not in the budget. As the boys were hanging up the new art work on the walls of the now opened lobby, Kendra, Caressa, and Anya were changing the broken fan, and Carolyn, Paige, Jamaal, Jason, and I were going over Susanne's marketing strategy. Her co-worker, Terry, was also discussing with us because he apparently does a lot of the advertising stuff.
And the day before me and my friend's departure, the lobby and hall had been remodelled. The hallway walls were just cleaned and new paintings were hung up. The carpet washed and vacuumed, so today, every one is taking things easy, especially Kendra, Caressa, Six, Erick, and I since we're getting on the road tomorrow.
We're all in the girl's room relaxing all over. I'm laying on the bed beside Caressa, holding her hand.
"You ready to start the rest of your life?" She asks me gently.
I sigh.
"Today I really hoped to not think about that too much today. What's my life without Jamaal?"
"You really love him?"
"Yes."
"That's weird."
"I know."
"You said he wants to stay together, right? Most guys wouldn't do that. I mean, you guys aren't gong to be that far away but it's still a couple hours distance. Pennsylvania is massive."
"I know, it is. Exactly. But you know how long distance relationships go. And college. Jamaal is tall and hot and I'm...and rich. Girls are gonna-"
"He's told you that he only wants you, hasn't he. Whenever you talk of him, you glow, even when you're fighting. And when you two are together, I see that you're really happy. Take all that doubt out f your head, okay? Or else you'll get hurt and kill yourself and your relationship."
I sigh and close my eyes because she's right.
"I know, I'm trying. It's just...hard. I finally feel...with Jamaal, I finally feel like myself, loved and like every thing is going to be okay. I mean, you guys are the best, but after my rape...it was hard for me to talk about sex or even think about me doing it later on in life when I'm married. I felt dirty and disgusted with myself and, I just...I assumed that all guys wanted one thing. But now I know that good guys exist. I just don't wanna lose Jamaal."
A tear rolls down my cheek and I whacky swipe it away when there's a knock on the door.
"Is anyone expecting anyone?" Kendra wonders aloud. We mumble and grunt and moan but no one is expecting anyone.
"Babe, it's me." I shoot up and sprint to the door, a wide grin on my face. It's our last day and I'd rather spend it with Jamaal.
"Jamaal!" I wiggle the door open and bounce off my feet. But I bump into spent big plastic and big, and stumble back, hitting my head on the door. "Ow..."
Jamaal laughs.
"Geez, Janaeya. What is I was with someone else?"
He rubs the back of my head and I stare into his eyes.
"I've missed you," I whisper. "I fee like I'm already gone."
"Even when you're away, you're not gonna be away, babe. How many times do I gotta tell you."
He removes the thing from behind his back and I'm presented with flowers. A huge bouquet with red flowers, daisies, carnations, pink flowers.
"Okay, how the hell do you expect me to put that in the car and have it not die or spill over?"
Jamaal gives me a look and I laugh.
"I know, it's okay. You don't think very often."
I wrap my arms around his neck and slide my tongue into his. Though Jamaal knows that us having sex the first time-or first four times-was a mistake, I'm saving myself for marriage. And I've had mixed emotions about what we did. I know it was wrong, but it felt so good. But then I'll think about how I could be pregnant right now or contracted a STI, and I feel like shit again. But I'll remember the wetness between my legs and the burning on my skin and how he touched me and how I screamed with pleasure...And I'll think of my rape and I'll feel bad again. It's a horrific, vicious cycle that won't let me rest.
"Can we...go somewhere. Anywhere. I wanna be alone with you."
Jamaal looks at me, and I know why. I'm a terrible girlfriend. I'm sending him mixed signals.
He pops his head into the room and after saying a quick hi and bye to my friends, we leave. I race Jamaal down the hallway and almost trip on my on air.
"Hey, Jason!" I tell to him as we quickly approach him. Jason looks perplexed but he grins.
"Bye, Jason!" Jamaal and I wave and dash out of the door. I spot his car in a nearby parking space and pick up my pace. Soon, I'm nearing him, though I know he isn't trying very hard to beat me.
"I don't need your empathy, Jamaal. Run!" I pant as I pass him finally. When I reach the car, I quickly slow to a stop, my chest rising up and down rapidly.
"Wow, you look so good when you run." Jamaal grins. "Why have I never see it 'till now?"
"CDD," I say and Jamaal like at me, waiting for an explanation. "Couple Departure Discoveries. I just made it up."
"Ooookay."
I reach for the passenger seat of the car.
"Do you wanna drive?"
I spot and get on my toes to look at Jamaal over his car better.
"Really?" He nods, smiling. "Hell ya!"
I scurry like a rat to the other side of the car and get in. Like every time I enter Jamaal's car, I'm met with his distinct scent: signature cologne and a bit of sweat. I've grown to love this smell.
I turn on the car, adjust the mirrors, adjust the seat, and shift the gear to drive. As I drive, I notice the pedals are a little sensitive so I adjust the way I push them.
"Wow, you're actually not bad." Jamaal huffs in the passenger seat. I look at him.
"Of course I am! I'm not a new driver, idiot." I look back at the road and stop at a four-way stop sign. "Where are we going anyway?"
"I-I don't know." He rubs his hand up and down my thigh. "Hey, watch out. You were getting too close to the curve."
"Oh-" I drift over a little.
"It's your last day. I..." He squeezes. "You said you wanted to get out. And be alooone..."
I raise my eyebrows as I remember saying that and think of what Jamaal thinks of that.
"Yeah."
"Let's just keep driving and we'll stop at this abandoned clearing I know of."
It takes us about twenty minutes but Jamaal directs me and we reach the "clearing". It's basically an empty, windy road with a little bit of land in the shoulder and a far view of wild grass. I see the city in the distance.
"Wow," I say sarcastically. "This is great. Lovin' it."
"I know, sorry, but I didn't know where else to go to just enjoy each other-"
"You're fine. I'm playin'." I lean over the middle and peck him on the cheek. He catches my hand and puts his lips on mine. I open up and so does he, and I feel his tongue slide into my mouth. He brings his hand up to my cheek and presses but I jerk back. "Watch out for my makeup!" I whine.
Jamaal's expression is utter shock.
"Are you kidding me?" He asks.
I laugh.
"I out on highlight today, and I usually don't." His expression is priceless. "So be careful."
"Are you kidding me?"
I realize what I'm saying and I crack up laughing.
"Oh, my God." I laugh. Jamaal gives me a disapproving expression. I unbuckle my seat belt and lean over the seat. I grab his face in my two hands and squeeze his cheeks fiercely. "You're. So. Cute!"
Jamaal Sara my hand away.
"Stop that." He makes a face at me. "Don't touch my face."
"Why?" I sneakily pinch his cheek and he repels "why, baby?" I reach again but this time he anticipates my movement and sways me away.
"Remember, the last time you touched my face I told you that if you did it again, you'd owe me." Jamaal grips my wrist with a mischievous smirk on his lips.
I go for playing dumb.
"Uuuh...I don't remember any of that."
"Don't play with me. You do." He draws me closer and just as I think he's about to kiss me again, he places his other hand on my back and slowly brings it down. When he reaches my butt, he grips as much of it as he can while I'm sitting down, and moves his eyes towards the back seat.
"Um..." I'm suddenly rethinking what I wanted earlier.
Jamaal leans back into his seat suddenly and fiddles with his pocket for a smoke.
"I'm playin' with you, babe." He finds it and picks up the lighter from the console. "I know you want to because you're human, but you don't want to because you love God. And that's cool."
My mouth opens and shuts. He's right. And this is my opportunity to do the right thing, not to succumb to my earthly desires.
"At the motel when you said you wanted to go anywhere and be 'aloooone'. Me being me, I immediately, sex, but I know you enough to know what you really stand for. And I did my research on this whole chastity thing and...I understand it a lot better. It's not just people being shy or being prudes. It's a way of life, i-it's actually kinda beautiful. It never thought of myself as being sacred and my spirit worth waiting for. I guess 'cause I'm not religious, anyway."
I am speechless. Jamaal went out of his way to search up something that contradicts the way he lives his life, for me. He did his research. He didn't just brush my wishes aside and stating thinking I was just shy. He wanted to understand me better, and he saw my passion, so he did his research.
"Most guys wouldn't even care."
"I'm Jamaal. Your Jamaal."
"Are you gonna become chaste now?" I joke, watching him as he lights up his cigarette. I want to ask him to not smoke but he doesn't smoke weed a lot anyway.
"I'm not gonna be havin' sec anytime soon since you're waiting 'till marriage, so I might as well introduce myself to the chaste lifestyle."
I jump up and wrap my arms around his neck. My heart is literally exploding and I don't know what my face looks like at this moment. I feel so loved, and I have so much love to give back to Jamaal. I have honestly never felt this joyed, this blissful in my life. What he's saying and what he's doing is what I've prayed God would bless me with: a man that at loves me for me and doesn't try to change me. A man that is willing to understand and try new things.
"You're everything I've prayed for and more, Jamaal. I honestly cannot verbalized what I'm feeling right now."
"I love you so much, baby. You've made me a better person, and I hope I'm making you a better person."
"You are."
"I honestly don't see us breaking up or anything...ever."
My heart beat quickens. This may be crazy but I think Jamaal is going to propose to me.
"Me either," I say, because I don't. I think of Jamaal and I making trips to see each other a couple times a year. I see us getting married right out of college and moving in immediately together. I see us traveling and working and making our lives together. I see us having kids and arguing but always making up and the fights are never big. I see us sending our kids to prom and graduation and being there at their weddings and playing with our grandkids. And I see us growing old, very old together, and hopefully dying at the same time because I don't think either one of us would be able to live without the other, even just for a month.
"You need to understand, I'm still...I'm still that girl that girl that got gang raped." We gaze into each other's eyes, peering into the souls. That's how deep the connection I feel toward Jamaal.
Goodness, I need to tel Petra.
"No, you're not-"
"Yes, I am!"
"No, you're Janaeya, a smart, hilarious, caring girl who I absolutely love who happened to experienced to some trauma in her life. You have a really cool, diverse ethnic background, a younger sister who you're close with, and the best of friends. You love dancing and psychology and you're gonna do great things in the future. You're already doing great things." Jamaal's eyes soften even more which I didn't know was possible.
"But-"
"Your rape does not define you, Janaeya. Stop talkin' like that," he says sternly, but it's comforting. I swing my legs over so I'm sitting on his lap with him in between. He grips my lower back with his left hand and holds the smoke in the other. "You're so much more than that."
I begin to tremble.
"I'm doin' therapy. I'm tons be doing it. My parents already arranged it so that I see a therapist while I'm in DC."
"And I'm glad they took my advice."
"What?"
"Well, they were already thinking of it, but I helped reassure them."
"You gave my parents the idea to send me to a psych ward?"
"I didn't give then any ideas, and it's not a psych ward. Baby, you're not crazy. Of anyone is crazy it's me, can't you see?" Jamaal grins. "That rhymed."
"You're such a kid."
"'Cause I'm so crazy about you."
"Okay, Jamaal."
"I feel like I wanna marry you, but I wanna scare you off."
My eyes widen and I choke on my spit.
"Chill out, I wasn't gonna." He lights his smoke behind my back-I press myself against him and test my head on his shoulder so he can see and move better-and draws some in. I sit back up and watch him as he routinely closes his eyes, takes a long drag, and slowly blows the smoking plant out in my face. I don't cough this time around. "But sometimes I think of it."
"Um, we're still really young. We have our whole lives ahead of us."
"In case you forgot, I'm twenty three." He smirks. "And I've already found my wifey. I can't wait to marry you so I can fuck you so good again."
I instantly get soaking wet and my I continuously clench my vagina.
"Oh, that did it, didn't it?" Jamaal draws in again as releases. "Well, I need to have some fun. You're torturing me, so I gotta tease you, too." He grins his boyish smile and I cover his face with my kisses.
"God, you're saying all the right things."
"What, do you have a check list?" We laugh and he smokes and I just sit on his lap and baguette my face in neck and breathe in. I give his kisses and he sometimes pushes his lips up towards me. But we don't do anything, because Jamaal is true to his word. He's a man of keeping promises and being loyal, and I so admire that quality he possess. As we sit in his car, I silently thank God. Because I am where I was meant to be. A shiver runs through my body and I close my eyes as my body just completely relaxes. And it is now that I realize that Jamaal is my soul mate, he is the love of my life, the one I've been praying for. I've found true love. This is the love that God asks us to save our bodies for. True love is no impatient, it is not jealous, it is not selfish. It is forever, is whole, it is beautiful.
And right now, I have never felt so much love at once. I didn't think it were possible for me. And I am going to wait as long as I need to Jamaal.
My phone vibrates in my pocket and I check who it is, hoping its mom. It is, so I excuse myself and pick it up from outside of the car.
"Mom, hi. Did you print them?" I ask in an excited hushed whisper.
"Yes, I have all de pictas you sent me printed."
"Awesome, thanks. I'll be home tomorrow and Wednesday can we go shopping for the album and art supplies?"
"Sure, sweetheart, but afta work. Just because daddy and I own de business does not mean we can just take off wheneva we want."
I roll my eyes. A lecture is so unnecessary right now.
"Alright, mom. Thanks again. Got to go!"
I quickly hang up and how back into Jamaal's lap.
"I love you," I whisper I between kisses. I is his nose, his forehead, his checks, his mouth, his ears, and his neck. I kiss him everywhere on his head because words honestly cannot explain how happy I am right now. "I love you so, so much."
Jamaal chuckles.
"Again with the face."
"But I love kissing your cute face." I pinch his cheeks and use the flesh to once his head around slightly. "You're just so damn cute!"
"You owe me twice!" He smiles, and smashes my lips onto his. Immediately, we move in rhythmic motions. Jamaal and I have kissed enough times and are familiar with each other enough that we instantly pick up each how the other is feeling, and we move along in synchronized rhythm. It's an art and it's actually kinda beautiful.
Jamaal and I kiss with so much passion, I feel myself getting wet and my head becomes light. I wish we had more room to move around but it's okay. The passion takes over my body and I start to grind on Jamaal's lap. He lets out a low moan and squeezes my waist dangerously tighter to him. I can barely breathe but all of it just makes me grow hotter.
"Jesus, are you playin' games with me?" Jamaal pushes me back. I lean my elbows on the dashboard and breathe heavily as I look at him. "My dick is tryna sleep but you keep wakin' it!"
Jamaal breathes heavily but kisses my forehead one last time before we get out of the car.
"I need to drive. I need to...distract myself. If I'm gonna not have sex, I needa start restricting myself."
"Well, I'll be gone this time tomorrow so."
I get in the passenger seat where Jamaal just was, and he goes to the diver's seat. He starts turns off the AC and back onto the road, and we're off.
"I'm not mad at you, Janaeya. Stop gettin' in your feelings."
I stay quiet because I'm worried Jamaal will realize he doesn't want to be in a long distance relationship anymore and leave me.
"You just...you understand why it's hard. You tellin' me this thing about chastity or some shit, then you turn me on." Jamaal sighs in frustration.
"I know. I'm sorry." I hold my hands together.
"It's fine. I mean-whatever." He shakes his head. "You're gonna be gone in the morning."
I sigh. "I know. Is it weird that I'm nor afraid to leave than to start college?" I dare.
Jamaal looks at me silently me, the back at the road. He doesn't say a thing until we reach his beach house.
"I hope you don't mind, but I wanna wake up with you tomorrow and help y'all...pack."
"I'm glad you brought me here, actually."
We go in and Jamaal orders Chinese. I know I shouldn't eat it because my eating habits have been the worse this summer, but I don't fucking care. I love Chinese food.
The door bell rings but Jamaal is talking on his phone in the bathroom, so I open it and take the bags of Asian food. I give the middle aged man a $10 tip and close the door. After taking a picture of the food, I yell for Jamaal to come down and eat, then I set the bags on the table and scurry to get plates from the cabinet and serving and eating utensils from the drawers. I run to the closet to get the blanket Jamaal and I use to eat on and lay it flat across the living room floor. I set our respective plates and forks and eating knives on the blanket so we can sit facing the TV, as we also do. I scroll through the channels as I wait upon Jamaal, but he doesn't come down.
"Babe!" I shout. "Come on, damn!"
I find TruTV and begin watching what is on it for a couple minutes, then I decide to go check on Jamaal myself.
I walk up the stairs, eager to start eating. The Chinese food was just sitting there, on the blanket, teasing me. I needed to eat.
"Jamaal, the food is-" I open the door but Jamaal shushes me immediately. He holds his palm out and I read by backing back into the hallway.
"Is he gonna be okay? I mean, he's only been there for a couple weeks," he says into the phone, his eyebrows creased. His muscles are tight so I move behind him and wrap my arms around his waist. Jamaal strokes my arm with his thumb.
Jamaal listens for a bit, and I try not to listen.
"I honestly think you should just...leave him there for this. Bryson just started. He's not stable or even close to any stability-" He's cut off by a Nan's voice. Since they're talking about Bryson, I'm guessing it's his dad. "Alright, dad, thanks. That's good. Just hang out fe the day but I wouldn't keep him overnight even. Trust me, I know how slick my older brother is."
Jamaal says goodbye and hangs up the phone. He spins around and lifts me effortlessly, and I settle my legs around his waist.
"No, let's go get some fucking Chinese food."
Jamaal and I stuff our faces, literally, while watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians (my pick) and Undercover Boss (his pick). We finish our food in about forty five, then clean up and retreat to his room at around midnight. We stay up, chatting, kissing, relaxing from another hour before I finally fall asleep. It's not until I wake up the next morning that I realize that it's time for me to go.