Julius stood at the gatzus’ hornless heads, patiently waiting for them to finish drinking, so he could be on his way. He didn’t look at me as I walked up to him.
“Julius, I don’t want you to go. Please stay.”
I thought Julius wasn’t going to answer me for a moment. He glanced over his shoulder to where William Helm stood unsaddling his camel across the courtyard from us before he spoke. “It would call too much attention to all of us. The Hermits are right about that. You know this already. Isn’t my heart breaking enough for you? Do you have to torture me with what I can’t have as well?”
I depended on Julius. He had become my friend in the last two days. I had been promising myself all morning that I wasn’t going to shed any tears at his leaving, but I could feel their fisted tightness in my chest like a geyser ready to burst. It made me unexpectedly angry with myself.
What was this place doing to me? Did I have feelings for Julius after all? Or, did I just want someone safe and relatively familiar in a strange place? I hated being so weak like this. I turned my frustration on Julius…the last person I should be angry at.
“You are supposed to be guarding me. How can you do that when you are way off down there at the monastery?”
Julius raised his head at that moment. “What do you need guarded from in here?” he demanded, all of a sudden as angry as me. “Show me what you need guarded against,” he commanded. “Show me, and I will lay down my life for you right now.” His voice carried all of the agony I felt.
I stood there hurting, having no answer for him. “I wish I hadn’t met you.”
“Why, Storm? What have I done to earn your anger like this?”
“Nothing. Everything. If I hadn’t met you…..then I wouldn’t know what it will feel like……to be without you.” I heard my voice crack. “Six months, Julius. I can’t bear it here that long.” I looked over at William Helm, hating the guard the Hermits had provided me. I wished he would just go away.
Suddenly I could no longer see Julius. The tears I wanted so badly not to shed blurred my vision so that I was denied even a last clear look at him. But I could feel him. I could feel his warm arms as they wrapped around me; snatching me so tightly to his chest that I couldn’t breathe. As soon as his lips found mine, it didn’t matter. Sweet kisses and salty tears mixed then on our cheeks, not knowing whose was whose and we no longer cared as we clung together one last time.
Even if I didn’t feel the same way Julius did, I felt something for him. I loved kissing him. Was that the same thing? Did Julius have feelings enough for both of us? Or, was it the near bonding between us that was causing me to feel this separation anxiety? Was that causing his feelings, as well?
“I’ve got to go, dearest heart,” Julius groaned at last, his lips lifting just enough so he could speak. I could feel them brushing against mine. “He’s watching.”
Julius set me away from him, bending down so his face was level with mine. “Use all this anger inside of you, Storm. Use it to learn everything you can,” he said almost violently. “The Hermits will give you something far greater than they will ever take away from you this day. They will give you the keys.…..the way…..to save Dardara…..and us.”
His heart was being ripped to shreds and there was nothing I could do to change it. I could sense it in him. He would do the right thing to protect me no matter what it cost him personally.
“Julius……” I felt in agony.
“Hush, my darling. Be brave now….for me….so I can go in peace. Do me proud, Storm.”
“I will never forgive them for this.”
“I never expected you would.” He kissed my forehead, and then my last look at Julius was a blurred image of him walking away from me.