How Boys Speak
So in case you haven't realized, each of us are quite the jokers and do random shit all the time. This book will give you an insight on topics like online dating, ex partners, Facebook whore etc. etc. We do prank calls, internet trolling, mini interviews and personal confessions in each chapter.
This time each one of us (Dean, Clyde, Roger, Brandon and I) will right up a chapter and then I'll post it on here. It's really simple and I hope you enjoy it!
Dean Speaks: Dating Online
Everyone has thought about dating online, right? I mean it's so much better. You don't have to go through awkward moments or even have to worry about whether the person has similar characteristics as you because all those kind of things are on a fucking profile before you even know it.
Hell you can even punch my name into Google and find out what school I went to and where about I live. Now, let's face the facts- dating online has some serious issues.
So once I saw this girl on Facebook who lived in another continent and we hit it off. Unfortunately, there were a few things that crossed my mind
1.) This girl could be Reece trying to fuck me over
2.) She could be a man
3.) She could be a psychotic asshole who thinks all guys should live life without penaynays.
4.) She could be a 70 year old woman (my nana maybe?)
5.) She could be a 10 year old fucking twit.
I really hoped she wasn't number 2 because that would just be fucked up. So anyway I never actually continued our little relationship because I was too scared this girl could be a 20 year old idiot who was bored with his fucking life and tired of wanking in his room all day. (I'm talking about Reece by the way and if you remove this comment Reece, I'll find out.)
Anyway in the midst of all this we decide to prank a phone dating site, just to have a look at exactly what kind of perverts there are out there, so enjoy!
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Voice Operator: We are currently looking for your next available match. (I chose man seeking woman, I'll troll the gay line after this)
*Really weird boom-chicka-wah-wah song plays while I'm on hold*
Dean: Hurry up! I'm hornay!
Voice Operator: You have been connected. (Finally.)
Girl: Heylo? (She kind of puts on a deep musky voice- her attempt to sex me out obviously)
Dean: Yo, man.
Girl: Hey, waz your name, hun?
Dean: Name's Donna. (LOL)
Girl: What? (Points to her for realizing it was a girl's name)
Dean: Donna, my name is Donna.
*Silence*
Dean: Heylo' babay? You hear me, dawg? (Clyde laughs in the background like a retard)
Girl: Yeah, I can hear you. My name is Diamond. (Yeah right. I'm sure her mother decided to name her a common stripper name.)
Dean: Diamond? That's hot babay. So what cho wearing?
Girl: Just my underwear hun. What about you? (Yeah people randomly walk around in their undies.)
Dean: Daym girl, you not cold?
Girl: My ass maybe a little cold. *Giggle* (WOW, that turned me on... not.)
Dean: I'm wearing my retarded-onion-strikes-back pajamas.
*Dead Line*
Dean: Ahhhhhhhh she fucking cut the call! Why? Was the pajamas too much? I'm going to call her back. (Her direct number is on her profile)
*Ringgggggggg Ringgggg*
Diamond: Heylo.
Dean: Yo babay. What happened with chu? Chu just cut the call on me!
Diamond: Oh sorry, I have bad reception.
Dean: I also have bad recepication.
Diamond: What?
Dean: I have bad recepication too.
Diamond: What is recepication?
Dean: What you just said. You picking on my accent homeboy?
Diamond: Uh no, it's reception. Say it right before you even try a dating line.
Dean: So you-you-you tryna pick on my accent?
Diamond: I just think you're stupid for trying this dating line if you can't even speak properly.
Dean: I'm sorry Diamond, what kind of a dumbass name is diamond anyway?
Diamond: What kind of a name is Donna for a guy!
Dean: Yo daddy was screaming it last night.
*Silence*
Dean: Homeboy you there?
Diamond: I'm not a boy.
Dean: You sound like one.
Diamond: Urgh whatever. What do you do? You sound dumb.
Dean: I'm a priest.
Dean: That's why I like boys.
Dean: Hello?
Dean: Yo homey?
Dean: Oh babay babay, how was I supposed to know... that something wasn't right.
Dean: Oh baby babay, I shouldn't have let you goooooooo
Diamond: You need to get your head checked.
Dean: You want to check my head? Anytime. Can I dig for diamonds?
*Dead line*
Dean: Motherfuck! She cut it again! Hahahaha. *Laughs in the background* Man she won't be answering any calls again.
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Okay so I'm going to try a gay line now- yeah I'm taking one for the team. By the way, in this one the word "dick" is used a lot so I'm just going to replace it with banana.
*Rinnnng rinnnng*
Dean: Answer you nawty boy.
Dean: I must confessssss it's killing me now... don't you know I still beli-
Voice Operator: You are now first in line to be matched.
Dean: That's right bitch!
*3 minutes later and a whole lot of Britney Spears songs*
Voice Operator: You have been connected.
Guy: Hello
Dean: Hey sexy.
Guy: Hey man. (He sounded normal, didn't sound gay at all)
Dean: What cho doing? (I was kind of contemplating if I called the right number because this dude sounded too butch to be gay)
Guy: Just playing with my banana (And I stopped contemplating)
Dean: (Holding back my laughter) Really? How big?
Guy: 9 inches man.
Dean: Wow. I have a really small banana, about 3 inches. (Still trying my hardest not to laugh)
Guy: Oh okay. (Clearly he don't like my banana no more)
Dean: Yeah I'm playing with it now. (*Cough cough*)
Guy: Yeah? What's it like? (He has a banana as well, shouldn't he know?)
Dean: Really good, but it's like going green now. I think there's some fungus and shit growing on it.
*Dean line*
Dean: Oh fuck! He cut it! Mothershitter. He has a 9 inch shlong but can't handle a lil fungus?
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So I called someone else. This guy was fucking weird, he just got into it.
Voice Operator: You have been connected.
Guy: Talk dirty to me.
Dean: Oh really? (Holding back my laughter once again)
Guy: Yeah, just do it.
Dean: Okay well I'm opening your pants.
Guy: (He interrupts me) Oh yeah carry on!
Dean: Wait, just hold on. *I start talking to an imaginary lil boy in the background* Tommy! Just shut up and sit there okay!
Guy: Uh, who is that?
Dean: Oh that's my 10 year old nephew. (Lol someone call Pedobear)
Guy: Uh, he's hearing to this?
Dean: So how big is your banana?
Guy: Uh It's about 7 inches.
Dean: *I talk to Tommy again in the background* Hey tommy! You hear that, he has the same size banana as you!
Guy: Hey you should send him to the other room.
Dean: Tommy, stop getting the god damn zipper stuck!
Dean: Hello, you there on the line?
Dean: Heylooooooo
Dean: Oh yeaah, talk dirty to meeee.
*Dean line*
Dean: Ah! Why do these assholes keep cutting the call? Hahaha.
Anyway hope you enjoyed my little extract about online dating, looking forward to the comments! Dean.
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Yo yo yo guys,
This is the first chapter. All of us will construct lil extracts like these and I'll post them up. I do show the guys your comments and shit like that so don't worry.
Please comment, vote, fan!
Reece.