To do list:
• Come out to my friends.
• Confess to Tyler.
• Self wallow and eat a bucket of Ice Cream✔
Well... At least I had one of those down. I sigh and rub at my face, before I sat back against my chair. I was in the middle of editing a video from a few days ago, when my eyes had landed on the now three year old to do list. God had it really been that long? It felt like 2013 was just a day ago. I frowned and turned my attention back to the computer screen.
I never had a 'first realization' of when I didn't just like women. I wasn't gay, because I still had an attraction to females, I just also had an attraction to males. I just never gave it a second thought. So when I told my mom, I was genuinely surprised that she had a shocked, almost taken back look on her face. I had just assumed that it was normal. She ended up telling my dad, which was alright in the end, because he accepted me. So I never had a problem with my parents on that aspect. (Although my mom does sometimes give me weird looks when I talk about a boy being attractive but she never says anything.)
I never really felt that I was different until I hit high school. I used to get bullied for being bi. People who I thought were my friends assumed that I would start hitting on them and completely abandoned me. I was alone for the first time in a long time, and I felt terrified. So when we moved to Toronto, I made new friends and I never told them that I had feelings for boys too. I was too scared that they would abandon me like my other friends did back in Ontario.
After that time period of my life, I just learned to hide it. People would abandon me if I didn't. Those were the words I always repeated in my head. When I started YouTube, I finally felt like I could be myself. Just playing games and making friends. And that was when I met Tyler.
Tyler was so unlike all the other people I had met over the years. He was so comfortable with himself, so confident. I looked up to him. I wanted to be more like him, I wanted to be able to jus be myself and goof around without fearing what others had to say. He was like a burning flame, burning so bright that sometimes it hurt to be with him. And yet I would still look for him in a crowd, I would constantly be with him because he made me feel like I could shine, even if just for a little while. It was because of this, that I slowly started to fall in love with him. Despite the fact that we had never met, I just loved being with him, listening to his adorable accent along with his laugh. And god I loved making him laugh. When I finally realized that I was completely in love with him, I became terrified. I hadn't told any of my friends that I was bi. And I especially hadn't told Tyler. So I decided that I just wouldn't tell him. I could handle him not loving me back, I could handle never telling him, I could handle him getting a girlfriend. But I wouldn't ever be able to handle Tyler never speaking to me again. Tyler completely leaving me. It would hurt too much.
Eventually, when our little group got much bigger, I realized that there were other friends like me. Johnathan was bi as well, Marcel was pans, Brian and Brock were both gay. I felt like I could belong. But I.. I still hadn't told them. I had this irrational fear that they wouldn't accept me.
And that was when I decided to make a To do list. I promised myself that by the end of this year, I would accomplish each and every one of those things. The number being only three, I figured the it couldn't be that hard, right?
Boy was I so wrong. It turns out, I was a bigger chicken then I first imagined. I haven't been able to muster up the courage to tell them. Or to confess to Tyler. The only thing I've done is self wallow in my own pity and eat a tub of ice cream every other day. And I've had that list for three years. Three, God damn years.
I slammed my fist on the desk, making my plate and my pens rattle as I stood up. "That's it!" I yelled, determination in my voice. I marched to my cell phone that was charging in the corner of my bed, and picked it up. I opened it up and called the first number that popped up on my contact list, not looking at whose name it was. It didn't matter it was. I was going to do this no matter-
"Hey Evan."
I screamed and threw my phone to the wall making it break apart when I heard Tyler's voice.
Tyler. Of all people I had to call Tyler?! I looked at my shattered phone in forlorn and wiped my hand up and down my face. "Great. Not only did I chicken out and not tell Tyler, but I broke my phone too." I mumbled, walking over to my phone. I bent down and picked up the sad broken phone, and sighed again. Dad was going to get pissed. I swallowed hard and out a brave face on as I went down the stairs, peeking into the living room. My dad was sitting in the recliner, watching a hockey game live. I shyly walked forward. "E- Erm... Dad?" He looked up from his game towards me. "What is it, Evan?" I swallowed hard, before coming right out with it. "I broke my phone against a wall."
Dad rose an eyebrow at me, before shaking his head. "Put it in the kitchen, I'll get you a new one tomorrow." I blinked in surprise. "Wait.. What? Aren't you mad at me?"
"Evan you break your phone at least once a month. I am very used to it by now. We have a warranty on it an everything. Now can I please get back to my hockey game?"