Four POV
I knew as soon as she showed up at the hospital, that she'd come to bail me out. I told Matt to keep his eyes peeled for a cute blond asking about me. He laughed and told me I was delusional, like any good friend would. God, he was trying so hard to cheer me up. He knew what happened and why I'd flipped out. Weather my suspicions were true or not, I lost one of the most important people in my life that day and he knew it.
It wasn't until she showed up that my world felt a little brighter. Sure, I was in jail, put there by one of my closest friends, but she was right on the other side, telling me without saying a word, that she was there for me.
Matt didn't object to letting me out once she arrived. I saw the way he looked at her. She could have asked him to rob a bank and he would have done it. She even promised to keep an eye on me, something I found humorous. If I wanted to ditch her, I could do it in a matter of seconds. Matt knew that as well as I did. Yet we both knew I wouldn't.
We drove around for a few minutes. She looked completely lost in thought and it was clear, she didn't know where she should go as soon as I told her I didn't want to go home.
That may have been the best and worst decision of my life. I guess only time can determine which it actually was.
I should have gone home. But there is not a doubt in my mind that she wouldn't just drop me off and drive away. She would insist on staying, to make sure I was ok. Once I got inside, I'd grab whatever bottle was closest, and I'd drink until nothing mattered. And if she was there, I wouldn't care about consequences. I take her to my bedroom and we'd stay there until we both passed out from either too much alcohol or exhaustion.
No matter how good that sounded, I couldn't do that to her. I know relationships are off the table. The only kind of intimacy I've allowed myself to feel, is the occasional one night stand with a woman I knew I'd never see again. The risk was just too great for anyone to become special to me, so I'd avoided it like the plague.
So I did what I though was right, by telling her I didn't want to be alone. She would stay to comfort me. I just had to make sure I kept my head clear and stayed away from any alcohol. Hopefully that would keep me from doing something I'd regret later.
I don't know when I've ever been so wrong. I suppose my theory would have been successful if I was with any other girl. I've never completely lost control over my feelings before. Nothing has ever overpowered me like this. If Tris wasn't the person she was, I would have done the right thing.
She decided we would go for a walk. I was fine with that. Until we stopped for a heart to heart, where she said my name, my real name. I wanted to scream when she first said it. But hearing her say it was strangely comforting and I found myself telling her things I have never told anyone in my life.
Then I lost my composure. I let her in for a split second. She held me in her arms as I wept. She didn't judge me, or tell me to toughen up. In fact, the more I let out, the tighter she held me, and I just knew, she was trying to share my burden. It was as if by feeling it together, it was less painful for me. Somehow she knew this would happen and she freely accepted the pain I forced on her.
I felt better after letting go for those few short moments. When I looked back to her face, I felt myself lose control in a different way. I wanted to kiss her. The same way I kissed her in that tiny circus tent. I didn't hold back then. I tried to, but I couldn't. When I finally gave in that day, I knew she couldn't see me, so I let it all out knowing I would be the only one to feel anything.
I wanted to kiss her like that again, but this time I wanted her to kiss me back with the same amount of feeling. I wanted her to know it was me. I wanted her to know, just by the way I held her, just how much she meant to me.
A moment later, my sanity came back. I suggested we continue our walk, because I needed to put some space between us. As if that would make everything ok. Like I said before, if she had been anyone else, maybe it would have worked. But she's Tris Prior, and everything about her is everything I've ever wanted, everything I've ever needed and even everything I didn't know I needed.
Every second I spent with her, regardless of what we were doing, only made me realize more and more, just how much I wanted to be with her. Every smile and every laugh as we played like children on the playground. The silly things she did, only moments before I did them, proved to me just how much alike we are.
And then we fell into each other's arms, dizzy and laughing. The urge to kiss her now even greater than it was fifteen minutes ago. How is that even possible? Again, I fought off the urge. I still acknowledged in the back of my brain somewhere that I was no good for her.
She suggested ice cream. That sounded good. Maybe a full stomach would help me think clearly. She took my hand, and we ran across the open field together. I really liked how her hand felt in mine, and I was disappointed when she let it go. But then she rolled down the hill, like a toddler and I knew I was lost forever. I may never be able to call her mine, but no one would ever have my heart the way she did. I copied everything she did. I haven't felt that carefree in... I've never felt that carefree, ever.
We continued to talk and laugh after we got our ice cream. Nothing else mattered in that moment but her beautiful smile directed at me. Just so I could see it again, I pushed her cone into her nose. She pulled away in mock horror that I would do such a thing. But her smile was hiding there the whole time.
After we finished eating, I noticed her shiver. The wind picked up and the temperature was dropping with the sun. I suggested we head back. I didn't want to cut our time short, but I didn't want her to be cold either. In the back of my head I knew I'd have to leave when we got back to the dorm. There was no way we could be alone in her small apartment if I wanted to stay in control of my emotions. I'd just call a cab so she wouldn't have to drive me home. I'm sure she'd put up a fight and insist on driving me, but I could handle another ten minutes, maybe.
The wooded path was darker than the open field. She ducked behind a tree, only to pop out a few seconds later. I joined her in this silly version of peek-a-boo until the sun was completely gone. That's when our game got dangerous. I joked around about needing to get back soon, due to the werewolves rumored to hang out around here. I expected just a laugh, but instead she pointed out the full moon instead. Something inside me snapped. For the first time in my life I played. I played a game without fear of being caught by my father, or a hidden enemy. I went along and pretended we were children playing tag. She giggled and ran, and naturally I ran after her. The faster she ran and the more she laughed, the more enjoyable the chase was. I kept the distance between us constant, knowing if I caught her too quickly, the game would be ruined.
She headed for the front door of the dorm. I followed, wearing the best scary wolf face I could muster. She ran through the hall, and into the stair well. She was quick, but not quick enough. I saw her exit through the third floor door and I followed, knowing the chase would be over soon.
When I followed her through the stairwell exit, she was laughing by a door a dozen feet away. A set of keys jiggled in her hand as she struggled to find the right one. As soon as she got the door open, I was by her side. She gave a half-hearted attempt to close the door, but I easily pushed through and kicked it closed behind me.
I know I said something crazy. Something you'd hear in a bad horror movie. She laughed, so I turned and locked the door for effect. As I approached her with my fingers curled into claws, her face and that amazing smile penetrated my brain. The children's game was over. I had won. She had nowhere else to go, nor was she even trying to escape. Instead she licked her lips in anticipation of my advance. And again I lost control. I pulled her into my arms, kissing her exactly how I wanted to on the rock by the brook, and on the playground, in the soft grass. To my delight, she kissed me back, with equal enthusiasm.
I couldn't stop. My hands were on her face, and then weaving through her hair. Our lips never releasing the other for more than a deep breath before going in for more. I was functioning on autopilot now. My hands rested on her hips for a few brief seconds before I scooped her into my arms. I wrapped her legs around my waist and her ankles locked me into place behind my back.
My brain was screaming. You can't do this. She's not yours. She can never be yours if you want to keep her safe. But I couldn't listen to that voice right now. Instead I convinced myself she would be mine and I could protect her if by some chance my past caught up with me.
I gave myself permission to show her how I felt about her. All I needed now was her permission.
Her fingers raked through my hair as I kissed her below her ear. I pulled away, looking deep into her eyes. Was she feeling even half of what I was right now? I had to know. "Tris, if you want to stop, you need to tell me now."
The voices in my head quieted completely when she answered me by opening her bedroom door. I carried her into the dark room and set her on her bed. She was breathing hard, staring at me like I was a piece of meat. That's when I lost all control. I pulled my shirt off over my head. Her eyes grew wide and a suggestive smile crossed her face. I'm not gonna lie, I get that reaction a lot. It was exactly what I needed to give me the confidence to continue.
I pulled myself on top of her, kissing her neck and then back over to her lips. I found the hem of her shirt, and I lifted it just enough so I could trail kisses over her stomach. She moaned lightly when I slid my hand up under her shirt. I pulled it up over her head and watched her honey blond hair fall gracefully back over her bare shoulders.
"You are so beautiful." I didn't realize I was speaking until the entire sentence was out of my mouth. She blushed, looking away quickly. "You must hear that all the time, from so many people."
She bit her lip shyly, unable to meet my eyes with her own. "No, not really."
"They must all be blind then." I lay down beside her and pulled her against my body, while rolling her on top of me. Her hair fell around our faces on all sides. "I really want to make love to you."
For a split second, I thought she looked scared, but just as quickly, it was gone and I wasn't sure if I imagined it.
"I really want you to make love to me."
I kissed her again as our bodies melted together in the moonlit bed.
Everyone who's woken up after a heated night of passion, with someone they have reservations about, has that moment of panic. That, oh shit, what did I do, moment. That, it felt right at the time, moment. I should be in that moment right now. I know I went too far and did the worst possible thing. Not for me, but for her. I should be kicking myself for being so selfish, for dragging her down to my level, but I just can't.
When I woke up this morning, the first thing I saw were her crystal blue eyes staring into mine. Instead of panic I felt pure joy. And as for guilt, there was none. I have spent the last few years of my life always doing what was right for everyone else, and even that hasn't proven effective. Maybe I've been going about it all wrong. Maybe the best way to protect those I care about, it to keep them close. Maybe that's a really stupid and selfish way to think and I'm just trying to justify why I don't feel guilty. The truth is, I just spent the night with a woman I am totally in love with, never thought I'd get the chance to say that, and I feel like I'm walking on air.
That is until Tris admitted she thought we'd only been together for some grief sex, and before I could convince her otherwise, her roommate caught us. I wasn't sure what the big deal was. It's not like it was her parent. I mean, these two are best friends. It's not like they weren't going to talk about it later anyway. At least, that's what I told myself.
I may not have had that moment when I woke up, but I'm convinced Tris did. Right after Christina arrived, she looked like she was about to burst into tears. I was asked to leave a moment later by, Christina, not Tris, Christina.
I'm no longer walking on air. Now I'm sinking to the bottom of the ocean, and you know that guilt I wasn't feeling, I'm feeling it now.