not all of what I wrote published and now I'm sad but I'm making up for it
I don't remember getting in the car, I don't remember punching in the address to our house into the satnav but I'm almost there when I zone back in. I'm covered in blood. My hands are shaking. I feel sick. I blink away the bad thoughts. I blink away the pain. I blink away everything but knowing Spencer is waiting for me.
I keep driving, I don't care about anything but Spencer.
Spencer.
The thought of being in his arms again was the only thing that kept me going through the entire ordeal. As my brain dare wanders the cuts burn in pain and I shake my head, clearing it out. I need Spencer. I need him now.
As I turn into our road I see an ambulance and then I see him. I don't even cut the car off as I throw open the door and run to him. His arms encircle me and I break down. I press my face into his neck and take in his smell, the smell of home and of safety.
"Am, my love, my love, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm here, I'm so sorry." Spencer is whispering into my ear. He picks me up and carries me towards the ambulance. I pull back and hold his face in my hands. He's crying, he looks terrible. I look into those big brown eyes and take in the sharpness of his jaw, he's lost weight. There's an almost beard on his chin and the permanant dark smudges under his eyes were darker than ever, he looks like he has two black eyes. I take in every feature of his handsome face.
We sit in the back of the ambulance and the paramedic tries to get me to sit on my own but I cling to Spencer and she says she'll observe me from his lap. He keeps apologising in my ear.
"Stop saying sorry, its not your fault." I whisper. "I missed you."
He pulls back and looks at me before bursting into sobs, I grab him and pull him closer, placing kisses on his face. He doesn't say anything, just holds me as he cries into my shoulder. He suddenly pulls back, apologises again before crying even more.
"I should have been there, Angel, I am so sorry." He manages to stutter through sobs.
"Please stop apologising, there's nothing you could have done."
"I'll never stop apologising, I'll never be able to make up for why's happened to you but I will spend my life trying."
I'm suddenly really tired, I ache, every cut, slice, split and bruise sear with pain. I feel dirty, I feel used and angry but most of all I'm tired. I'm so tired.
I realise it's the adrenaline in my body slowing down. My eyelids become too heavy to hold open and my head drops into Spencer's shoulder and I pass out.
Next thing I know I'm at the hospital, the following few hours consist of me being prodded and poked and swabbed, I was pulled and pushed and photographed and sewn up and finally they let me clean up. I was too weak to stand in a shower so I was given a bath. The water scalded my skin, made every cut on my body sting with pain, and there were a lot, but I don't care. I need this water to wash as much of the last few weeks off me. I sit in the water for an hour before I am told I have to get out. I'm given clean pyjamas and suddenly Spencer and I are alone.
I felt odd, being out, being safe. Spencer stands silently next to my bed, staring at his hands. I don't want to relax in case this is all a dream, I'll wake up and Spencer will be taken away from me. I reach out and touch him. The warmth of his skin under my fingertips feels so familiar. He finally looks at me and I feel like he's scared of the same thing I am.
"I feel like you're about to dissapear." I whisper, breaking the silene that has fallen between us.
"I know what you mean," he replies, threading his fingers through mine. "If this is a dream, its a pretty good one."
"Spencer-"
"If this is just a really intense dream, then I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts." He sort of picks me up, lays down on the bed and cradles me to his chest. He presses his face into my hair and I hear him inhale deeply. "I really hope this isn't a dream."
I move so my face is right in front of his, taking his face in my hands.
"I think we're okay, I think this is real." I rest my forehead against his. He moves and kisses my lips softly, my heart races, as always.
"Every second spent away from you was the most painful of my life, it tore me apart to watch that happen to you" he says as we pull away.
"I'm sorry you had to see that"
"Why are you apologising? It's my fault, I'm sorry"
"Spencer, stop it, you can't blame yourself. I don't blame you. The only person to blame is that monster and whoever enabled him"
"But I should be there to protect you"
"I'm with you now that's what matters" I remind him, kissing him again.
"I love you, I love you so much." he whispers fiercely, his eyes welling up. I feel my bottom lip begin to tremble as I think about that the fact I'm here, I'm safe. In Spencer's arms, I am home.
"I love you too," The words burst from me as a sob shakes me chest, Spencer holds me closer.
"What you've been through, what you were forced to do-" he starts but I interrupt.
"I don't want to talk about it right now, can I just enjoy being with you and not thinking because I know soon I'll have to think about it non-stop and for now I just need to think about you, okay?"
He nods and looks at me.
"Of course, Angel. I'm here, you're safe."
We stare at each other for another second before we both sob again. We hold each other and cry until we both are too tired to do anything but sleep.