Chapter 26 - "Do you love him?"
The weeks passed and Christmas approached. The gossip had stopped—people only stayed interested for so long before something new attracted their attention. Even Kat had given up asking for forgiveness. She was now well and truly a member of Kara's clan. Matt, on the other hand, had no trouble getting back into his original group of friends. Having said that, he was still eating lunch with Kara, Lucy and Kat. Then one morning, the week before we were due to break up for Christmas, I found out the reason for that when Jess pulled me to the side.
"Hey, can I talk to you for a second?"
I still had a few minutes before I needed to head off to my first lesson, so I let her drag me into an empty classroom.
"I have to tell you something and I don't know how you're going to react," she began slowly. "But I wanted you to hear it from me first."
I folded my arms anxiously. "What is it?"
"Matt's going out with Lucy."
I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. Jealousy wasn't the emotion. Why would I be jealous when I had Nathan? Thinking about Matt's betrayal still hurt, though, despite the fact I was thinking about it less and less with each passing day.
"I wanted you to hear it from me first," Jess said quietly. "Rather than hear it from gossip. And if you're here...then you've got time to get your head around it and let it sink in."
I sighed and perched on a nearby desk, staring at the floor. "I shouldn't be surprised. I knew it would happen at some point. I've moved on. Why shouldn't he?"
"Yeah...but Lucy's a bitch."
"At least I don't have to be insecure about her being a nicer person than me," I joked.
Despite my efforts to keep things light-hearted, it still hurt, and I was unable to lift my eyes away from the tiled flooring.
"Are you all right?" Jess rested her hand on my shoulder, squeezing it gently.
"How did you find out?"
"He, um, Matt...he rang me last night and told me. I think he sort of wanted to pre-warn you...but obviously he couldn't do it himself because you won't talk to him. Which is completely fair!" she quickly added.
"I'm not jealous," I told her. "I really like Nathan. But it's still weird for me to think about Matt being with other girls...you know...doing the stuff that me and him did..."
"Of course," she said. "That's natural. But it's probably because he was the first guy you ever did any of that stuff with. It's just life experience, Izzy. You'll come out stronger."
I nodded. "Yeah. And thanks, by the way. You know, for pre-warning me."
"How are things with you and Nathan?" she asked.
I smiled, like I always did whenever she brought him up; it was a clever diversion, distracting me from my sad thoughts about Matt by reminding me of what a great boyfriend I had now.
"They're really good. They just seem to get better every day. I know I sound all soppy and mushy and like some kid in love but..."
"Do you love him?"
I paused. "I think I'm getting there. It just feels like we're meant to be together. I know that's so cliché but it's the only way I can describe it, like being together is no effort at all. Why are you smirking at me like that?"
"It's just so funny to think about it. You used to despise Nathan. And now you're in love with him."
I smiled back. "Almost in love with him. You're right, though. It's weird, isn't it?"
"So, when are you meeting his family?" she asked, sitting down on the desk opposite me.
"I don't know. It's difficult because they live in Italy."
"But you're serious about each other, aren't you? You're going to have to meet them at some point."
I shrugged. "I guess. Even though it feels like we've been together ages, we've only actually been together a couple of months."
The bell rang, interrupting our conversation. "You're gonna be okay?" Jess checked, standing up.
"I'll be fine," I assured her.
I wasn't completely fine about Matt seeing Lucy, of course, since how could I possibly be completely fine about it? I could have been worse, though, admittedly. I was with Nathan now and he was the only guy I wanted. If it turned out to be any consolation, Matt and Lucy weren't huge on the PDA, which I was grateful for. Thinking about it was bad enough, without actually seeing it.
-
It must have been a coincidence, but Mum chose that night to bring up her worries about Nathan. Although she insisted she adored him, she was a bit uneasy about how he lived alone.
"But he's only nineteen!" she was saying over dinner.
"He's independent, though," I said. "He manages by himself. Most nineteen-year-olds would be at university now, anyway, and have to cope by themselves."
"It's not quite the same, though. When do his family get back?"
"I'm not sure," I said. "They live over there now. I don't know if they have any plans to come back."
"How can you not know that kind of thing about him?"
I huffed out an exhausted sigh and rubbed my forehead, feeling a headache forming, probably out of tension.
"It's just a touchy subject at the moment. I don't want to think about how his family live in a different country."
Our relationship felt serious, but I'd still not met the people closest to him. What if Nathan chose to go back there at some point? Would we end up doing long distance? With a thousand miles between us?
"Of course, Love."
We ate in silence for a few minutes. Worrying I'd hurt Mum by snapping at her, I tried to defend my reaction.
"Jess asked me the same question this morning, about when I'm seeing his family," I explained.
"Oh, I see..."
"I think it's weird we've been together this long without me meeting his family," I said. "Nathan met you before we got together."
"It's exceptional circumstances, though," Mum reminded me. "I'm sure if they lived in the country then you'd have met them a long time ago, probably before you and Nathan started dating, too."
"That's true," I said.
"What time are you going round tonight?" she asked.
"Eight," I answered, glancing at the clock. It was twenty past seven. "I'll be back by eleven. He'll give me a lift home like he always does."
She nodded in approval. "Are you finished with your dinner?" she asked, reaching for my plate.
"Yes, thanks." I pushed it towards her and stood up. "I'm just going to finish off some work before heading out."
"Okay. Don't get upset about this family thing. If you and Nathan are meant to be together, then it'll work out."
-
Despite Mum's words, it played on my mind. Once it was on my mind, it was hard to stop thinking about it.
Even as Nathan and I heatedly made out on his bed, something that normally totally consumed me, I couldn't push the worry away. His kissing was amazing as always, his tongue gently massaging mine with a perfect intensity. His hand was even up my shirt, squeezing my breasts, over my bra. We hadn't gone much further than this. After my humiliating rejection, we'd taken things a lot slower. Sometimes it was hard to hold back, but I respected what Nathan had said about it being so much better if we waited.
As he tried to manoeuvre his hand inside my bra, I grabbed his wrist. It wasn't that I didn't want him to touch me—I wanted it a hell of a lot—but I'd enjoy it more when I wasn't agonising over petty thoughts.
"Sorry," he whispered against my mouth, mistaking the reason I'd stopped him.
I shuffled to sit up and he followed suit, his brow furrowed in worry.
"It wasn't that," I assured him. "I just want to talk about something first."
He raised an eyebrow, his face immediately turning serious. "Okay. Sure. What's up?"
"I was talking to Jess today...and then Mum brought it up, too, and maybe it's not a big deal but it sort of is to me and I was just wondering...am I ever gonna meet your family?"
He pinned me with a neutral stare for a moment before breaking into an amused smile. "Do you plan on sticking around?"
"Well, yeah..."
"Then you're inevitably going to meet my family."
"Don't joke," I said, not appreciating his flippancy over a matter that I considered so important. "You know what I mean. It's meant to be a big deal, you know, introducing your girlfriend to your family."
"They live in Italy, Bella. There's not much we can do about it."
"Well, when are you next seeing them? Or could we FaceTime? Skype?"
A gentle sigh spilled past his lips as he raked his fingers through his hair. "Do we have to talk about this now?"
"Now is as good a time as any."
"No, it's just... I didn't want to tell you in this way. I wanted to tell you off my own back rather than you asking me."
"Tell me what?" I asked hesitantly, suddenly nervous.
"I'm going back to Italy for Christmas."
My heart sank, even though I shouldn't have been surprised. "For the whole of Christmas?"
"Yeah. Look, I was going to tell you—"
"When, Nathan?" I asked. "It's the seventeenth today."
"I was going to tell you this evening."
"Of course you were."
And like I'd flicked a switch, he turned defensive. I braced myself for an argument, anticipating that he might not be so willing to pacify me over this. We knew each other better now, and he'd rightfully stopped treading on eggshells with me. If he had an issue and didn't like my perspective, he told me. I appreciated the honesty under most circumstances, but this wasn't a topic I particularly wanted to lock horns over.
"It's no wonder I bottled it. I knew you'd react like this." His jaw tightened, tension bristling from his body.
"Don't act like I'm being unreasonable because of you going to Italy," I said. "That's not the issue. I'm upset because you weren't going to tell me. I'd have been disappointed that I wasn't going to spend any of the Christmas break with you, but of course I'd have understood that your family come first."
"I didn't want to upset you."
We sat in tense silence for a few minutes. It was strange to think that, five minutes ago, we were making out and Nathan had his hand up my top.
"When are you going?" I asked eventually, staring at the duvet rather than at him.
"Tuesday," he said quietly.
"Today's Thursday. You were only going to give me four days' notice?"
"I'm sorry," he said. "I really am sorry. But I only found out pretty short notice, too...and then the more days that passed, the more I realised it was short notice for you and I just kept bottling it..."
"The more days that passed, the harder it was gonna be for me, too. So why keep from telling me? You weren't gonna just take off, were you?"
"No. I'd never do that. But it's my family. It shouldn't be a big deal that I want to spend Christmas with them."
"I'm not saying it's a big deal," I insisted. "If you'd been honest and told me, then I'd have understood. It's the fact you left it to the last minute before springing it upon me. We'd even chatted about the sort of stuff we could do over Christmas together and made plans."
He didn't have a response to that and the tense silence returned. Things between us had felt perfect, but this proved that no relationship was perfect. He did care about me and I didn't doubt that at all; he'd just bottled telling me because he knew it'd upset me.
"I sort of suspected you'd go back to Italy for Christmas," I said quietly. "But when you didn't mention it, a part of me began to think that you were staying here. And now I guess that part of me is disappointed that I won't be able to spend Christmas with you, when I'd got my hopes up about it."
"Bella," he murmured, reaching for my hand.
I took hold of it, interlinking our fingers, now filled with compassion upon seeing his sad face. After Matt, I told myself that I'd be stronger in the future and refuse to be messed around. That was fair enough, but Nathan wasn't Matt and I wasn't going to hold a grudge for the sake of it.
"If I could do things differently, I would," he told me. "I'm sorry for not telling you sooner."
"I'm sorry for snapping at you," I said. "It's late and emotions are running high because I'm tired. I should probably head back before Mum starts stressing."
The drive home was silent but not awkward. He pulled up outside my house and cut the engine. For a second, I was worried he'd want to carry on discussing the Christmas issue; as far as I was concerned, I'd be over it once I'd had some sleep and let it sink in.
"Drive you to school?" he asked.
I nodded. "Sounds good. Thanks."
He walked me to the front door. Normally before we split ways, we'd make-out furiously against the door. It was a joke about the pain of leaving each other that had caught on and so we'd carried on doing it. Now, however, I knew that wasn't going to happen. I also knew we'd both be thinking about how it wasn't happening.
Instead, I stood on my tip-toes and reached to give him a soft kiss on the lips. Then I smiled slightly so that he knew I wasn't completely fuming.
"See you tomorrow morning."
He smiled back and caressed my cheek lightly. "See you tomorrow morning, Bella."
By the time I was in bed that night, I'd pretty much gotten over the shock of Nathan going away. They were his family and they lived in a different country; Nathan had probably felt guilty about having to choose between his family and his girlfriend. Until my third year of university—my year abroad—I'd never be able to comprehend how difficult it is to live in a different country to your family.
-
When I got into Nathan's car the next morning, I reached to kiss him. His shoulder tensed beneath my palm, but when I didn't pull back from the peck and deepened it instead, he relaxed. His hand moulded around my waist, his grip tightening as I slid my tongue into his mouth.
After it ended, he smiled at me, tilting his head to the side which made him look adorable.
"That was a nice hello. What's the occasion?"
"That was my way of saying sorry," I told him, buckling my seat belt.
"Yeah. Because words are so last year."
"Exactly."
Nathan was still sitting with his body angled towards me, having not moved from the kiss. I twisted in my seat to face him.
"But I am sorry," I said to him. "I've thought about it and I shouldn't have reacted like that."
"You had every right to be mad, though. You were right when you said I should have had the courage to tell you straight out."
"It doesn't matter anymore," I said. "The important thing is that we make the most of these last few days."
His mouth twisted into a small smile. "I'm sure that can be arranged..."
Although I didn't know whether Nathan's comment had been made in a suggestive way or a romantic one, I knew for sure that I was going to make the most of our last few days together before we parted for Christmas. After all, a relationship was between two people and, in decent relationships, both people made an equal amount of effort.
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