Evalyn’s lip healed beautifully and she was for the most part healthy. She still had a problem with weight and reflux but not as bad as before. It had nothing to do with her Cleft but it felt like after her lip was repaired everything got better. Evalyn definitely had a healthy appetite and a ton of energy. She was so full of life that it seemed that she knew somehow that she was “fixed”. We continued to have our therapy sessions and they became less frequent due to her progress. When she started saying words it was so cute! She had a soft breathy sounding voice that sounded fragile. It was an obvious ploy to throw people off because once she let down her shy act she would be screeching and yelling like nobody’s business. I always found her shy act amusing.
Time went quickly but my depression seemed to suck me deeper and deeper. I started to think crazy things and all I wanted to do was sleep or read so that I could escape my reality. When I slept I didn’t feel like the world was crushing me and the dreams were where I could be happy and smile again. My books would take me somewhere else and I could get lost in a life that wasn’t mine and where things were easier. I would get mad at Eloy for not being like those unrealistic extremely romantic and emotional guys in my books. I would forget that he wasn’t that type of guy and that I don’t even LIKE that! Someone like that would drive me insane and not challenge me like Eloy does, and boy does Eloy challenge me! He was never the type to let me run all over him and do whatever I said. If he thought something he would tell me and if he didn’t like what I was saying or doing he would fight back instead of letting me have my way. He treated me as an equal and made me raise my own expectations of myself, which is what I have always needed and wanted in my partner/lover.
I gained a lot of weight from eating my feelings. I would go to my comfort foods and then forget to eat for a day or two afterwards. Chips are my weakness! I don’t like sugary foods or bread, just chips. Eloy would try to not buy them when we went grocery shopping but I always ended up sneaking them in at the register knowing that he isn’t the type to cause a scene in the store. I know BAD ANDREA!! But hey! I am weak LOL. I hated how I looked and became more of a hermit never wanting to go anywhere because my clothes didn’t fit right or I was so self conscious but I still would not do anything to fix it. I just kept sinking further down.
Around the end of November I got a lead on a job, and Eloy and I were excited for me to interview. It would get me out of the house and interact with people and hopefully get me out of that horrible funk I was in. I was so excited at the idea of going back to work that I went out and bought clothes for the interview and brushed up my resume. When the day came for my interview I was so excited, nervous, scared, everything that I couldn’t battle the urge to throw up the whole way there. I had not worked in a little over 3 years! As I sat in the car in the parking lot of the offices where I was going to be interviewed I was gripping Eloy’s hand and babbling about how great it would be for us if I got this job. I think I needed it more for my mental health then for anything else.
My interview went great; the moment the questions started I forgot my nerves and was confident in my abilities to do the job. I let them know that I had a daughter with medical issues and that she had an upcoming surgery out of town and would need to take time off before the 6 month probation period was up and that I may need to miss days here and there for doctor’s appointments. They assured me that it would not be a problem and that they were willing to work with me if I got the job. I left more excited and free feeling then I had felt in well over a year. I got the call the following week letting me know that I got the job I just needed to do the standard second interview and back ground checks. I was told I would start in late December but it kept getting pushed back due to the background checks taking so long. I was clean of course it was just very extensive. I got the news that I would be officially starting on Jan 2, 2011. I was through the roof with excitement at finally being able to pull my share and getting out of the house on a daily basis.
My brother in laws girlfriend was going to babysit Shauna and Evalyn for me while I worked since I was extremely skeptical about putting Evalyn in a daycare. I was just too afraid she wouldn’t get the attention I felt she needed. My first day of work was so emotional for me because I felt so guilty at leaving Evalyn and not being with her. I think the first week I almost cried every day because of how guilty I felt at being away from her and actually kind of liking it. I felt like I was a bad mom for being relieved but at the same time I missed her and our silly moments together. When I would get off work I would immediately run to shower the girls in kisses and would baby Evalyn as if I had not seen her in days instead of hours. Shauna never one for being overly affectionate would push me away and say “stop mommy!” when I would hug her too long or kiss her too much.
In February Evalyn got a really bad stomach virus and we had to take her to the E.R. after 3 days of constant diarrhea and vomiting. She was admitted to the hospital and shared a room with a little girl with really bad asthma. Her parents looked just as worn out as we were, and they had been there a week already. Evalyn spent a week there in the hospital and was finally released on the day of her first birthday. We celebrated Evalyn’s birthday a few weeks later with a small party and it felt like the longest year of my life. We had been through so much with her that it was hard to look back and see how we didn’t go crazy. About a month later my depression was still not improving and it seemed as if my life was in an endless cycle of work, home, and kids. Eloy and I rarely talked or spent any time together because all we would do is argue or bicker. It was putting a strain on everything and everyone. I think my in-laws were starting to get annoyed by us because they stopped coming by as often. Eloy finally had enough one day and took me to a clinic to get a “physical” and told the doctor about me and how he thought I was depressed. The doctor talked to me about weight loss and my depression. I was prescribed some anti-depressants and told to make sure that I was getting more exercise and eating healthier. I thank God Eloy did that for me because I was starting to feel suicidal. I didn’t care if I lived anymore; I was so numb on the inside and so angry at everything and everyone. I tried to hide it and cry my eyes out when no one was around. I was tired of being so down and overwhelmed. I would think to myself “They would be better off if I wasn’t here, no one would have to deal with my moods and attitude and Evalyn and Shauna would have a better mother for them with more patience and Eloy would have someone who would love him and treat him better.”
The anti-depressants worked almost instantly for me, I was smiling again and I didn’t feel as if every day was dark and lonely as if I was being pulled into a deep pit of despair. Life had started looking better then death. I enjoyed the little moments and cherished every smile and giggle from the girls. I knew that no matter what happened with me and Eloy that I would always have these beautiful girls to love me. Every day during lunch I would walk to the store and around it then eat a simple and healthy lunch. I wasn’t doing it for my image anymore I was doing it for me, to be healthy. Diabetes runs in my family and I didn’t want to keep running the risk of getting it because I was careless about my health.
Before we knew it May had rolled around and it was time for Evalyn’s palate surgery but I also needed surgery on my ankle. I kept fracturing and spraining it and it was always in pain. I planned my surgery about a week before hers and took the time off work. My ankle surgery was successful they removed a lot of scar tissue and made sure that nothing else was wrong with it and that the ligaments were not too long. I was able to use a walking boot with crutches within a week so I knew that I would be okay for the trip to Austin. Eloy’s family decided to make the trip with us. His mom, brother and his girlfriend, and Shauna all came with us to support Evalyn. This surgery was going to be longer and more painful since it was the entire palate that needed to be fixed. I was again worried about how she was going to be and the pain she would be in after this surgery. She was going to be staying in the hospital at least 3 days. I had no plans to leave her side for even a minute no matter how claustrophobic the hospital made me feel.
The morning of the surgery was like déjà vu, the only difference was Evalyn and Shauna playing before they took her in. We tried to explain to Shauna what was going to happen and it seemed as if she understood but was happy about it. I don’t think she knew that her sister was going to be in pain because there was no way she would have been so nonchalant about it. She was so fiercely protective of Evalyn that it was adorable. The wait was again terrible, I paced and stared at the TV and tried distracting myself with Shauna and talking to my mother in law but it wasn’t making a difference on my nerves. Shauna fell asleep in a wagon and my mother in law while she appeared calm I could tell that she was just as nervous as we were. When it was time to go back to see her in recovery I was just as nervous as I was the first times she had surgery. I couldn’t pick her up this time though, it broke my heart knowing that when that morphine and anesthesia wore off that she was going to be in so much pain that that her beautiful brown eyes were going to be in dull and not full of mischief. Daddy and Grandma went back to see her and both came back looking just as happy yet sad as I was. Shauna was allowed to come see her the following day and when she did she was immediately concerned. Kissing her leg and hands and telling her that it was okay. It was heartwarming to see them like that after seeing how often they argued and fought that they loved each other that much. Evalyn even cracked a smile or two at her. The love of those two is amazing. It made me realize that no matter how hard the journey would be that we would always have our family to be there to love and support us.
Eloy and I are truly blessed with the best family and friends. Whenever things get hard we know that there will be someone to help us pick ourselves back up and move on. The love we share has been put through the test and we have our ups and downs but it is always there and always strong. I know that no other man would have been able to put up with what he did with me and the stress that we had. Not many people would have stayed together or stayed as strong as he did through all of this. He was and still is my rock, or better yet my boulder. We have a beautiful family together and there is no one else in this universe that I would want to share it with. My girls are my everything; they inspire me to keep moving forward, to try harder and to accomplish my dreams. They love unconditionally and purely. Evalyn Michelle is one of the strongest and most beautiful children I have ever met, and I don’t think that just because she is my daughter. She is so sensitive, caring, loving, funny, daring, adventurous, and best of all a diva! Her journey is far from over and she will need more surgeries to continue to correct her cleft, but she is perfect in every way. All you need is five minutes with her and you would fall in love. She has brought me such joy and has taught me that no matter how different you are physically or otherwise that everyone is beautiful and everyone has a great purpose in this life no matter how small that person may be.
What makes you different makes you beautiful, truer words have never been spoken. Every flaw that others see in you is not a flaw but a sign of your strength and inner beauty. Evalyn has shown me that you don’t need to be perfect you just need to be you……
This is where I am going to end it. I can not believe that I wrote it and finished it. It has been so hard to write all this especially this last chapter. I feel accomplished and relieved and yet terrified that I actually did it. I have laid myself bare and it is shocking at what was really in my head and heart all this time. Thank you for sharing this with me and if you have any questions or want more info please let me know.
Andrea