Chapter 7: Genesis Benson
The next morning Olivia woke up with the intentions of telling Genesis about her conception, but then she remembered it was the final court hearing for the adoption. She realized Gen was no longer in bed with her, and went looking for her. She found her in the bathroom hunched over the toilet.
She walked over to her, and pulled her hair back as another hot stream of vomit forced its way out of her. When Gen realized she wasn't alone she panicked.
"G'way mom! I-I'm fine" She said weakly.
She tried to shove at her mother but honestly she had no strength. Olivia wanted so much to tell Gen that she knew, and that she wasn't mad or angry with her because it wasn't her fault but she wanted Gen to come to her even more.
"You know I'm not going anywhere honey. Let me help you." She said.
"I think I have a bug of some sort" She said.
'A bug that will only go away in 8 months if I don't get rid of it' Gen thought.
"Guess what today is?" Olivia asked excitedly.
"The adoption hearing!" Gen squealed.
"Are you ready to be stuck with me forever?" Olivia teased.
"Mom... Never ever think that I'm 'stuck' with you. I love you. You make me feel safe." She said holding Olivia's hand, and her heart.
"I love you too honey. Let's make a day of it? What do you say?" Olivia asked hopefully.
Other than going to school Gen didn't like leaving the house much. Olivia had picked up on that early on. She wanted her daughter to feel safe, and let her know nothing bad would happen to her as long as she was with her.
"I love it! I'm gonna go get ready!"
Gen hugged Olivia and darted to her room to get ready. Olivia love to see her daughter happy, but she knew Gen still had a lot inside, and that she was faking. She wanted to make this day a happy one, and to take the time and bond with her so she decided she would wait until Gen was ready or wait another day until she told her she knew about the pregnancy.
A few hours later they made their way to Judge Marsden's courtroom. They met the social worker in the lobby.
"Hello Ms. Benson. Hello Genesis. How are you doing?" Ms. Edwards asked.
"I'm good. Just glad this day has finally come!" Olivia said.
"I'll be glad I never have to come here again!" Genesis added.
"Once I make my recommendation there's no reason the judge should deny the petition for adoption. Your final visit showed marvelous progress!" Ms. Edwards beamed.
The bailiff called the session to order as the judge made her way to the bench. The judge shuffled the papers on her desk, and began.
"Olivia, Genesis. It's good to see both of you under delightful circumstances. Let's get this started so your day isn't wasted." Marsden said.
"Ms. Edwards what is your recommendation?" Marsden asked.
Ms. Edwards gathered the appropriate paperwork, and handed it off to the bailiff.
"Your honor I recommend that this adoption go through. In the past month Genesis' school attendance has gone up, and her grades have improved greatly. She's happier, and I feel that if she were removed from Ms. Benson's care it would be a mistake." Ms. Edwards stated.
She looked to Olivia and Genesis and smiled.
Judge Marsden looked through the paperwork Ms. Edwards had presented her with and smiled inwardly. She looked at Genesis, and motioned her to come forward.
"How are you? You're looking well. Do you have anything you would like to say before I make my decision?" Marsden asked.
"I'm fine" Genesis smiled. "I love Olivia and she loves me. I feel safe with her, and I'd like to have her last name. She's already my mom."
"I think that's a very good idea" Marsden winked at Gen.
She watched Genesis return to her seat by Olivia and smiled.
"In light of the information I've received today I find it in Genesis' best interest that she remain in the home of Det. Olivia Benson. Genesis Iyana Craig you will be known from this day forward as Genesis Iyana Benson. Your records are now sealed, and I wish you both the best. Case dismissed!" Marsden said banging her gavel.
Gen looked at her mother and smiled.
"I'm officially yours!" She squeaked.
Olivia wrapped her into a tight hug.
"I know. Forever!" Olivia said her voice thick with emotion.
They left the courtroom, and headed for the park. Olivia decided she would tell Gen her story, hoping Gen would open up.
"Do you want a hot dog?" Olivia asked.
They were walking around each distracted with their own thoughts of 'Where do we go from here?'.
"No thank you I'm not hungry" Gen said quickly.
After receiving a look from her mother she added.
"I don't think I'd be able to keep it down" She winced.
"Let's sit down here. I want to tell you something ok?" Olivia instructed.
"Ok" Gen said.
'Oh fuck! What if mom found my pregnancy test, and now she wants to talk to me about it?!' She thought. She felt her anxiety shoot through the roof.
She wasn't too far off but she had no idea Olivia would tell her what she did.
"I want you to trust me, with everything" Olivia began. "My mom was raped, and as a result she had me. She was a drunk, and she was cruel to me at times. The few times she was sober I thought maybe she really loved me. But I always wondered why she didn't just give me up for adoption. My mother drank herself to death. I'm telling you this to let you know I have secrets and pain too. I trust you. Will you trust me? It's just you and me. We need each other. Will you let me help you?" Olivia asked. Her voice cracking and tears streaming down her face.
Genesis didn't know how to react to her mother being so open with her. She wanted to tell her but she just couldn't. Her mother had been through enough, and she couldn't put her through anymore - knowing everything Gen had been through would only hurt her. She wiped her fingertips underneath her mothers eyes to wipe away the tears.
"I'm sorry that happened to you mom. I'm trying to open up to you but there are some things I can't tell you. I want to but I just can't. It wouldn't be fair to you..." She said her voice cracking.
Olivia grabbed hold of her daughter's hand, and looked into her eyes. They sat that way for quite a while, until Gen shifted uncomfortably.
"What?" Gen asked trying to shrink away.
"When are you going to stop running? I'm not going to hurt you. You know that. I want to know everything about you. You're my daughter, and I won't leave you. I promise." Olivia said softly.
Gen looked away from Olivia and shrugged her shoulders. She sat quietly for a few moments as she thought about how she could explain why she does what she does. She turned back to Olivia.
"I am tired of running" She said so quietly Olivia almost didn't hear her. "I run because it's all I know. I taught myself a longtime ago if I kept my distance it would keep me from getting hurt. Being loved and wanted is new to me. I'm not used to this, and it scares me!" She forced out.
"I understand that. I'm only asking you to try. Trust me. Talk to me. If you don't start talking it's going to eat you up, and I won't lose you. I know you're still hurting yourself. Just because we didn't talk about the mirror incident doesn't mean I don't want to. Please just give me a chance." Olivia begged.
Gen was crying openly now. All she could think was 'Everyone here thinks you're ugly and fat. And now you're crying like a baby so they probably think you're crazy too!' She was scared. What exactly she didn't know. She felt such pain being loved. She wondered how could someone love someone so broken?
The thought that someone actually wanted her terrified her and she wanted to run. The only thing keeping her on that park bench was her mother's hand in her own.
"Can we go home? Please?" She begged.
She still had tears streaming down her face, and she felt if she stayed there any longer everything would come out. And she didn't want to lose it in the park.
"Alright. Let's go" Olivia said standing.
She held out her hand for Gen to take again, and they walked hand in hand back to the car. Once home Olivia headed to the kitchen to make lunch, and Gen curled up on the couch. When lunch was ready Olivia joined Gen on the couch, offering her a plate.
Genesis shook her head "No thanks".
Olivia sighed and placed the plate on the coffee table.
"I thought you said you would try to eat." She said exasperated.
"I do mom I promise I do. It's just I get these thoughts sometimes..." She said mumbling the last part.
Olivia turned towards her, watching intently.
"What kind of 'thoughts'?" She asked.
Gen looked down at her hands and wrung them nervously. This lasted a couple of minutes before Olivia stilled her hands by covering them with her own. Gen looked up at her.
"What kind of thoughts do you get Gen?" She asked again, firmer this time.
Gen swallowed.
"I look at my body, and all I see is fat hanging everywhere. I hate everything I see! I'm disgusting, ugly, and fat!" She cried.
She scooted backwards to the other end of the couch. Olivia frowned. Her worst suspicions confirmed Genesis does have an eating disorder.
"That's not true sweetie! You're too skinny. Im scared if you don't eat soon that you're going to die! We can get through this together. Tell me why this started. Please?" Olivia asked.
She moved toward Gen slowly.
Genesis' eyes wide with fear- she shook her head. She looked down, and sighed.
"When Derek-that's Mr. Lambert; he started touching me he would tell me I was so beautiful that he had to have me. He would always say how much he loved my soft curves and he couldn't wait for me to fill out. I didn't want him to want me but I didn't know what to do! One day I was in the bathroom and I heard a girl throwing up. When she came out I asked her if she was ok, and she said she was fine. She said she made herself do it because she was fat. She looked me over and told me if I did it I would get skinny too. I thought this was the solution to my problems. So I started throwing up everything I ate. And I started to lose weight fast. There were days where I didn't eat at all. But I still couldn't keep him off me! I fought him sometimes but he would beat me up. He broke my wrist once. I didn't fight him anymore after that..." She said as tears streamed down her face. "I just didn't want to be wanted..."
Olivia closed the distance between them and pulled Gen to her.
"We have to talk about this. You can't keep it to yourself anymore. It's destroying you! Please let me help you." She begged.
Gen laid in her mothers arms for a few moments chewing her bottom lip. She decided she was ready to tell her about the pregnancy now. She got up and went to the bathroom to retrieve the test from the trashcan, shortly discovering that it was gone.
'Maybe mom took out the trash already' She thought.
She walked back into the living room, and sat on the couch.
"Mom I have something else to tell you...I mean I think I'm ready to tell you now" She said nervously.
Olivia reached into her pocket and held up the pregnancy test.
"Were you looking for this?" She asked softly.
Gen paled, her eyes widened, and she worked hard to swallow the lump in her throat.
'I am in such deep shit!' She thought.
Gen nodded, and looked down.
"You knew?" She asked
Olivia lifted her chin, forcing her daughter to look at her.
"You're not in trouble sweetie. Why didn't you tell me?" Olivia asked.
"I didn't plan on telling you. I was trying to find a way to g-g-get r-r-r-rid of it!" She cried. "I just want it to go away mamma!"
Olivia opened her arms and waited for Gen to fold herself into them. She held her tightly, and kissed her hair.
"It's ok honey. Everything is going to be ok. We'll do whatever you want to do. Don't keep things from me anymore. Ok?" Olivia said.
"Can I have an abortion? Please? Please mom? I can't. I can't have a baby. I don't want to have a baby! Not his baby!" Genesis begged and cried.
She beseeched her mother clinging to her tightly.
"It's driving me insane! I hate it! If I could I would reach and pull it out by myself. If you make me have it I'll kill myself!" She said straight-faced.
Olivia's heart broke. She knew Gen meant what she said, and now that she had her she couldn't bear to live without her.
"Shhh...sweetie we will do whatever you want. But I want you to promise me you will start talking to me." Olivia said.
"Ok. I'll try. I'll really try to stop shutting you out. But I don't think I can be pregnant a day longer!" She said.
She laid in Olivia's lap, and started sobbing. She hated her life so much. She was tired of everything. She had lost her will to live. She didn't think the abortion would really even help. She knew she was at her breaking point, and she didn't want her mother to suffer but she had to do something to quiet the voices that told her she was unworthy of love. She felt like the only way was-she had to die.
"Mom? Can we go somewhere?" She asked.
"Where do you want to go?" Olivia asked trying to hide her excitement.
"Can we go to the movies? Please?" She asked.
She looked up at her mother, and saw something she never saw before. The love a mother has for her child. A determined look to save her child at any price.
What do you think Gen is thinking? Comments?