I woke up with my head throbbing in unfamiliar pain and damn my breathe smells alcohol. I massaged my temples and rolled to the other side of the bed but then I felt my legs feeling so sore as my arms landed on a strange naked body.
I rubbed my eyes and opened it but my eyes widen when I saw Jaehyun covered with the same blanket that I am using and he's sleeping calmly beside me. I quickly roam my eyes on the room and it took me a few realizations before trying to get up because I am not in my freaking room!
But then I felt the soreness of my legs that is why I went back to the bed and groaned. I bit my lower lip and tightly closed my eyes trying to recall what happened last night. I covered my mouth with nervousness as my brain cells started to panic because I finally understood what happened to us when we were both drunk!
I removed the blanket that is covered on me as I stiffened when I felt the coldness of the room because I am not wearing anything what the fuck!
My heart was beating so fast and my hands and knees were trembling while picking up my clothes from the floor and putting them on. Sweat started to drip on my forehead as I look for my belongings and I felt like my inner soul fled away from my body when I saw Jaehyun and Dasha's wedding photo installed at the top of the console table where my bag is placed. I aggressively brushed my hair in frustration as I looked at Jaehyun. When I saw a stain of blood on the bedsheet, tears started to pool in my eyes realizing that I lost it last night to someone married and worse is that we did it on their home, in their bed.
"No..." I shook my head as my tears continuously fell from my eyes. I stoop and covered my face.
What if when Dasha saw us on the bed?
What if when she's downstairs?
How about their family?
How about Mark?
Damn you, Cha Eun you fucked up.
I took a deep breath and stood up fixing the strands of my hair at the back of my ear. I slowly left his room trying not to make any sound. My womanhood is aching and my body is trembling in fear. I started to overthink and question myself for what happened. My head is in turmoil, I'm not in my right state of mind but I know that my fear is telling me the right thing to do, leave this house and never come back, no matter what.
I didn't know how I got home safely when I wish I didn't because I don't think I still have the audacity left to face my family, to face anyone because I am now so ashamed of myself. I don't even know what to do anymore. What Jaehyun and I did was wrong, it's a huge mistake! It will forever be inflicted in my life and I will never be proud!
I feel so disgusted with myself! I lost my chastity to someone married while I am in a relationship with Mark! It feels like I lost my honor for myself, my innocence, dignity, even my respect for myself! I lost it all!
Fortunately, my family is not around and that is how I peacefully went to my room to take a thorough bath because I feel so dirty. I was crying while taking a shower and rubbing myself with a bar of soap. After changing my clothes, I lied on my bed as my tears started to fall once again.
I rolled on the other side of the bed and covered myself with my blanket. I screamed at the top of my lungs trying to remove all the heaviness in my chest and the bothering thoughts clouding on my mind but it didn't work.
At some point, I just gave up and cried realizing that it is already done, it happened, grudgingly, I already messed everything up, big time.
"Eotteoke?" I whispered under my breath before falling asleep.
I don't know how long I slept but the doorbell of our house, made me open my eyes as I got up to see who it is. I walked like a dead human and I even saw myself looking so awful when I passed at the full-length mirror of my room. My eyes are swollen, my hair is messy but I still had the kindness for myself to fix my hair before going to the front door and opening it expecting that it's just someone my parents knew, but I was wrong.
"Mark" I uttered as he was standing there while his face is hiding with the bouquet of white roses that he's holding. It has a card on top of it that says "sorry"
Something inside my heart ached because of guilt but when the flowers revealed his face, in the middle of my chaotic mind, I softened and forcibly smiled at him. He smiled back and quickly hugged me giving me the validity to feel his warmth. I closed my eyes as I rested my head on his chest hearing the sound of his heartbeat.
No, Mark, I'm sorry for being a failure, I'm sorry for coming into your life... I'm sorry.
"I thought you're breaking up with me." He whispered. He sounds calm, but he also sounds wearied.
"We haven't seen each other for two weeks and you're not answering my calls overnight because I wanted to meet up with you at midnight. I thought you don't want to see me anymore because I always don't have time for you, I thought you're leaving me, I thought I'm going to lose you. I'm so sorry because I am so busy, I'm so sorry if I keep missing our dates, I'm sorry-"
"Shh... I'm already here. Stop overthinking and saying sorry, it's okay love. I'm not leaving you." I wanted to laugh for myself because I'm not just a filthy woman, I am also a liar. But right now, I can't just break the moment, I want to live in it, knowing that it's going to be over someday. He deserves to feel better because it was tough for him. Fighting for this relationship, trying to make everything alright, trying to stay compose and look okay in front of me when I know that he's already exhausted.
"How was the performance?" I asked as I handed him a bottle of orange juice from the fridge. He got it from my hand without even throwing a glance because he was busy roaming his eyes around our living area like an amused child when in fact, it's not his first time being here.
We are waiting for the food that I ordered for us. He said that he wants to eat barbecue chicken and have some beer with me even though the sun is still shining but what can I do? My boyfriend is demanding a different date when midnight comes. He said that we'll be watching a movie at a midnight cinema.
"Hey" I called out as I sat beside him trying to get his attention. He looked at me and lightly raised his brow with a small smile. His smile was contagious that it also made me smile.
"Love, you look tired." I said while staring at him. He didn't just look like he lost some weight. His eyes have bags underneath and he looks drained. His hair is also disorganized regardless, he's still handsome because he's Mark Tuan. But it won't stop me from being worried and guilty at the same time because I can't do anything for him but to add on his problems. He has so many things on his plate I'm sure that this relationship is one of them, instead of making him feel better I secretly know that at some point, it's still difficult for him.
"You haven't seen yourself aren't you?" He fired back and smirked. I rolled my eyes that made him chuckle. He scooted over to my side and wrapped his arms around my waist.
"But you're still beautiful, love" He whispered and gave me a small peck. I beamed at him fixed his hair.
"Do you want to sleep in my room?" I gently asked. He pursed his lips and looked away to think about my question before looking back at me.
"Is that okay? How about your parents?" Oh, my parents? I don't have any idea if they even looked for me last night acknowledging that I didn't help in the Ramen House but maybe it's already too much of uneasiness for me to even think about what they will say, for now, being with Mark is all that matters.
"You'll leave before the sun sets." I answered. I'm going to work in the Ramen House anyway.
When the food came, we started eating as we catch up on what we missed for the past two weeks, like everything is just normal when in fact, we are both hiding something, avoiding that uncomfortable topic because we want to make this limited-time worth it while we still have a chance.
It's just so funny because it looks like we are having connected feelings about our situation. It's just that he thought I don't have any idea about it. We are just too in love to admit it.
"The guys from Yg complimented me a lot, Bobby and I talked a lot while Jinhwan even asked for my number. Yang Hyun Suk also complimented my skills a lot..." I was just listening to him as he tells me stories about their performance.
The smile on his face is just so genuine and I know that he loves what he's doing and I just can't understand the reason why he can willingly let his dreams go and put his hard work into nothing for someone immoral like me.
I don't deserve a sacrifice especially when it's from him.
"I'm so proud of you" I said with sincerity as I look straight into his eyes.
"And I can't wait to see you perform on a bigger stage and be one of the crowd who will watch and cheer for you" I added. His smile suddenly faded that stung in my heart because I know that he's planning to leave the company sooner and I can't just let him do that.
I can't let him break his dreams for me.
"Cha Eun-" I stopped him by putting my index finger on his lips.
"I think I will be the happiest girl alive once I see you performing because finally my boyfriend, Mark Tuan, that guy who hates studying but dances and raps so well, finally became the person he wanted to become."
"So chase your dreams, keep working hard, because I want to see my adorable star perform." I cooed and pinched his nose before getting another classic drumstick chicken. I can feel his gaze watching my every move as I dipped the chicken on the sauce until I took a bite.
I looked at him and arched a brow, he looks so serious.
"Are you going to be there for me? Are you going to stay?" He asked in a low but serious voice. I stopped chewing as I put the drumstick down and wiped my fingers with a tissue. I looked at him and held both of his hands as I brushed his palms with my thumb.
I can't
"I'll stay."
I know that it's not good giving people temporary assurance just to save the day and make them feel better but what should I do? I still can't face reality yet. It's just my way to prevent ourselves from being miserable, maybe for now.
After the meal, I washed the dishes as he went to my room all ready for sleep. But when I went there to see if he's already sleeping, I saw him at my study table, looking at my pictures that are posted on the wall.
"I thought you're sleeping already?" I asked as I went to my bed to fix it for him.
"Can you sleep with me? You're also tired." I stopped arranging the blanket that he will use as my hand started to tremble because of nervousness.
Sleep with him? After what happened to me last night? I can't help it but feel guilty for Mark, I feel like I unwillingly cheated on him. It's not just a drunken mistake, it's a sin and I regret it. But Mark is a different story, he can't be drawn to something that he shouldn't be involved because he deserves peace.
"Sure." I said as I sat on my bed. He smiled and went to me, cupping my cheeks with his warm hand.
"I will do everything for you." He muttered before comfortably lying on my bed.
"You don't have to." I whispered.
Because I don't deserve it, I don't deserve you.
Maybe Mark is right, I'm already tired. I'm so tired of crying, worrying, overthinking, I'm just so tired of everything. The past days were difficult without him by my side. He's the only good thing that ever happened in my life and I should cherish those days that I have left with him.
I don't know when will be the end for us but I just know that it's coming and it should.
I lied beside him, using his arm as a pillow while his other arm claimed my waist that made me move on his side, facing him closely. His eyes are already closed and anytime soon he'll be dozing in sleep for real.
This is not the first time that I slept beside Mark. Whenever we don't feel like going on a date every midnight, we will just lay on the bed in the small office of our Ramen House and just talk about how our day went our plans, everything was just so perfect. I wasn't worrying that much about anything because I have him, but at that time, I was just insensitive that I forgot to include our reality. My happiness is all that matters before, up until now, it still matters for Mark.
"Why are you crying?" His deep hoarse voice put me back to my senses as I felt the tears flowing on my cheeks. I tried to wipe it off but Mark already did it for me while staring at me with so much intensity that can make my heart melt.
"I'm just happy because we finally had time to bond." I lied and faked a chuckle hoping that Mark will buy it. He's staring at me with a touch doubt and sadness as if he already realized my real thoughts and feelings but he smiled and pulled me closer to his warm embrace.
I closed my eyes as another set of tears flowed on my cheeks. It's just so painful, thinking that Mark is trying so hard to fight for us, to keep this relationship stable while I am already overthinking about our ending because I know that it is the only way to give Mark real happiness that is rightful for him and to have that, he had to choose himself instead of choosing this relationship and staying with me.
"Don't think about anything. I love you and I'm going to be here for you forever." He whispered as he caressed my hair.
"I'm sorry." I cried. But saying sorry would be like covering a bullet hole with a band-aid, it still can break us yet I am expecting everything to be fixed.
This world is just so full of fleeting feelings. Happiness fades when you are in an unfortunate situation and it will continuously fade because it will stay with you for a longer time. Sadness becomes light when you are being showered with blessings for a little while. And maybe, love is a fleeting feeling too. It's fictional because, in reality, it doesn't last, it ends and we don't know when. But we don't wait for it to cease. We live in those feelings, we enjoy them while it lasts.
Weeks after, I was acting like everything is just normal. I went to school, worked in the Ramen House, and meet with Mark when midnight comes. I quitted my job for Jaehyun's son because I don't expect myself to be back at their house after what happened to us. I haven't even seen him for days and I hope that we will never see each other anymore.
It's all in the past anyway. I just have to learn with the lesson it gave me, move on, and forget about it.
Or maybe I'm wrong.
"Cha Eun." I was busy wiping a table when I heard Jaehyun from behind. I grasped the wiping towel summoning all the strength that I have before facing him. I looked away because he didn't look like he's Jaehyun that I know.
It looks like he's barely living. He looks devastated.
"Can we talk?" He asked. I looked back at him and took a deep breath. I nodded and offered him a seat close to the transparent window. I told mom that I'm just going to have an impromptu meeting with him and got him a pitcher and poured him a glass of water. He needs to be rehydrated.
I was facing the street instead of facing him because damn it, it reminds me of what happened between us.
"So, how are you doing?" He asked breaking the ice. I looked back at him and I saw him cross his arms while his piercing gaze is all on me.
"Fine." I simply said with hesitation. He scoffed and shook his head.
"Of course you should."
I blinked and looked away. Our condition is just so awkward. I guess fate is not that kind when I said that I don't want to see him again.
"About what happened to us-"
"Whatever it is, it's just a mistake, let's not dwell on it ever again, let's just forget it. Yes, it happened but that is unwanted. I said I'm doing fine, I'm moving on while trying to escape from that memory, so please, let's not talk about it and I hope that this is the last time that I'm going to hear anything from you. Please do me a favor, let's not cross our paths ever again." I firmly said without pausing. He sighed and brushed the tip of his nose before talking.
"I-I just wanted to say sorry about it. It was your first time and for some dumb reason, it happened to be me. I want you to know that I regret what happened to us. I love my family and I know that you're also loving someone else, it's too much of guilt already that is why I'm saying sorry. I want to put everything back in its right places when I know that in your case, in our case we can't change anything anymore but I never wanted it, no one does. I might not be able to do anything about it and that is why I'm just letting you know that I'm sorry, for that night..." He dropped his gaze on the table with humiliation.
"I also regret it, I hated that it happened, I hated you, I hated myself because we were so irresponsible. But it's already done. I can't change anything anymore. I already committed a tremendous mistake, I mourned about it, cried because it happened, and that ends there. I have to move on. I have to forget it, I have to let that story go, and I hope you're also going to that. I hope you learned something from it." I said blankly. He let out a small smile and nodded.
"You're so wonderful. You grew up beautifully. You're so strong and brave that I think no circumstances could ever break you, tame the wonder woman within you" I chuckled and poured myself a glass of water.
"Maybe I'm already numb." I joked before drinking.
"Take care of yourself." He said. I nodded and smiled.
"Take care of your family" I answered back.
And after that night, we acted like we're strangers, and maybe fate is grooving along with what we both want. We never ran to each other anymore, they left the neighborhood and the rest will be history for him and his wife.
"Hey, are you fine?" I got distracted from my thoughts when Hyewon and Hana sat beside me. I smiled at Hana as a sign of gratitude when she placed a cup of coffee beside my laptop.
I haven't had enough sleep for almost a week. I had to stay in the library after the class until 8:00 pm to make my term paper before going to our Ramen House to help until midnight and after work, I'll have a very good rest in Mark's arms and that is how my day ends. I had so many things on my plate right now and the heaviest of them is our term paper that is due next week.
"You don't look good, I mean you've been looking so ill for the past days but today, I don't know if you forgot to put tint on your lips because frankly speaking, you look pale." Hana said screening with concern in her eyes. I just smiled at them and faced my laptop as I started typing after taking a sip from the coffee she gave me.
To be honest, I'm a bit dizzy and my head feels like it's going to burst already for taking too much information, trying to fit everything in every corner of my mind and I also think I'll be having a cold but I can manage as how I am trying to survive the past few days. My body feels like it's already giving up on me maybe because I keep on overworking myself for the term papers, case studies, and presentations that I have to pass. But I promised myself that I will rest very well when everything is already over.
"Do you even know how to rest?" Hyewon asked. I stopped typing and raised my head to look at her and chuckled.
"I'm giving myself enough rest when the days end." I answered and went through my readings to look for certain information.
"I don't think so, after staying in the library until 8:00 pm you are helping in your parent's Ramen House and after that, you're going out with Mark when midnight comes up until God knows how long, where do you even get time to rest?" I massaged my temples while receiving Hyewon's litany of scolding. I put my readings down and took a sip from my coffee.
I think Hyewon's sermon is already too much to take that it makes me feel groggy.
"She's resting when she's with Mark." Hana sarcastically said while opening her laptop.
"Exactly." I added and continued my work.
"I bet you don't want to end up like Yujin? I can't afford to pay for another visit to the hospital because of a hard-working friend who forgot to take care of herself." Hyewon nonchalantly said. I let out a small laugh and shook my head.
And when the sunsets, it's the sign that I should be leaving for work already that is why I started to pack my things.
"You're now leaving? Do you want to grab some food first?" Hyewon asked. I bit my lower lip when my stomach made a sound just in time when Hyewon asked me that question about eating.
"You haven't eaten anything?" Hana asked and arched a brow. I looked at them with guilt and smiled.
"I ate breakfast." I shyly answered.
"You're so unhealthy, let's go and grab a meal." Hana said and closed her laptop. I badly want to eat with them but I have to leave already.
"But I have to help in our Ramen House." I protested. Yesterday, I dropped by in a convenience store to eat at least a sandwich before working in our Ramen House and when I got there, my mom scolded me for being late and I don't want to hear the same scolding for today.
"You're not trying to kill yourself aren't you? For once, Cha Eun look after your health, and please give yourself at least little care before caring for other people." I didn't bother protesting anymore because the impact of Hyewon's words was too much that it had me speechless.
I unconsciously nodded and left the library with them. They were talking about the new Japanese restaurant near our campus but I wasn't feeling well and a bit dizzy to even pry with them.
"I want to try their tonkatsu it was their best seller!" Hyewon exclaimed while showing her phone to me.
"Yeah, me too." I drawled I am too occupied with the ugly feeling in my body that is giving me a sign that I should just rest for today.
"I think this is the place." Hana said referring to the Japanese restaurant that has the Tokyo vibes as it's the theme.
As we go inside the restaurant, I suddenly feel like I want to vomit and it feels like the vomit was already at the back of my throat.
"Welcome, we still have vacant tables upstairs, we also have tables at the roof deck." The receptionist spoke as she accommodated us with hospitality.
"I think we should take the table on the roof deck, today's weather is nice and I think Cha Eun needs to breathe fresh air." Hana responded and diverted her eyes to me. Hyewon nodded as an agreement, she looked at me waiting for my answer. I was about to nod but I couldn't hold it anymore, I quickly rushed to the nearest comfort room.
I almost threw up even before I got to the sink, but I was lucky that I made it to the sink as I threw everything up. I thought I'm going to feel okay after vomiting but it was worse, after vomiting, I vomited over and over again.
"Cha Eun what's wrong?" Hyewon asked as she got to the comfort room with Hana.
Hana quickly went to my back and settled the strands of my hair away from my face so I can vomit properly without my disturbing strands of hair. This sucks! Even though there's nothing to throw up anymore, I still keep on vomiting and it feels so exhausting and awful.
I washed my face and Hyewon handed me face tissue so I can wipe it on my face and hand. Hana fixed my hair as I took a deep breath wanting to feel better. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and I can say that I really look bad.
"I think my hectic routine for the past days had me bad." I said.
"I'm glad you finally realized it." Hyewon answered and rolled her eyes. I chuckled and averted to Hana that is staring at me suspiciously. I smiled at her and mouthed, "I'm fine"
"I don't like your complexion for today." She noted in a grim tone.
"You're so pale." Hyewon commented. I took out my tint from my bag and put some on my lips.
"We should see a doctor." Hana said. I looked at her and snorted. I've been into the worst fever or even influenza before, but I never visited the hospital to even get IV fluid. I just endure them, drink some water and rest then the next day, I'm already better.
She's overreacting!
"Hey, I'm fine. I'll just take some medicine, have a good and long rest and I'll be fine." I said with boldness but the skeptical look on her eyes is still there.
"No, I mean..." She stopped talking for a while as she walked to the cubicles and checked it one by one as Hyewon and I just looked at her with confusion. She also checked if someone's outside the comfort room before closing it.
She went back to us and took a deep breath. She opened her mouth and closed it hesitating to say any word.
"What is it?" I asked. She looked at me and sighed. She held both of my hands while wholly looking at me.
I looked at Hyewon trying to ask her why Hana is suddenly acting so weird but she just shrugged while cluelessly watching us.
"Did you do it with Mark?" Hana asked which made me look at her with confusion.
"What do you mean? What is it?"
"The... sex..." She anxiously said. My eyes enlarged as I removed my hand from Hana's grip.
That's absurd!
"No! We haven't done... that..." Then suddenly, memories from that night that haunted my sleeping and waking hours for so many days came back to me in blurred details.
It was with Jaehyun.
"I'm a pharmacy student and I've analyzed case studies about this but are you sure?" She asked. I looked at Hyewon and she dramatically covered her mouth with a perplexed look.
"Is she... pregnant?"
Hell no! That can't be! I can't be pregnant!
I took a step backward as I shook my head in disbelief. I tried to find support from the countertop of the sink but before I can even do that, everything blacked out.