"They say February is the month of love what with Valentine's Day. A whole month devoted to love. It rather sucks when you have to spend a whole month surrounded by thoughts of love, but you can barely bring yourself to love you." Rylan says as she stares out the window.
The doctors had just taken her cast off two days ago. It had taken her ankle about six weeks to heal. Six weeks spent in the hospital with nothing to do but homework, exercise, and TV. The highlight was getting to spend Christmas in the hospital, but even that was miserable since the doctor was slowly starting to wean her off pain meds.
"Rylan, you didn't do anything wrong. You have no reason to hate yourself." Cas replies.
He looks up from the Geometry book lying in his lap to stare at the back of Rylan's head. He is glad to have his best friend back, even if there are still a few things within her damaged beyond repair.
"It's not that easy, Cas. All the shit that's happened to me--I can't look at myself. I feel broken and until I can figure out how to glue my pieces back together, February is going to be rough."
"We'll help you. All of us."
Rylan continues staring out the window and frowns.
"You don't have to keep doing this all alone."
"But that's just it; I am alone. None of what happened to me has happened to you or Tuck or Dani or my dad. You don't know how I feel. You can't."
"So let me try to understand. I'll be here whenever you're ready to talk about it."
"Thank you, but I just want things to go back to normal." Rylan shifts her eyes from the window, trying to catch a glimpse of Cas without turning her head. "My dad won't let me go back to Northvale. He says he wants to homeschool me from now on."
"I know. He told my dad. Besides, I eavesdrop a lot lately." Cas hints.
"Because of me."
The fact sounds base in the small hospital room. Rylan knows she has caused a great deal of grief for those around her. She knows how much her secrets have hurt her father and damaged the trust of her friends. No one is willing to trust her on her own anymore. Her friends have resorted to sneaking around and eavesdropping just to find out everything they can about Rylan and the case. Rylan doesn't like it, especially since Cas finds out things before she does and won't share them with her; and because he has been trying to spy on Mr. Quinn.
Rylan wants Mr. Quinn to be put away forever, but she doesn't want her friends to put themselves in harm's way to do it.
"Promise me." She demands.
"I'm being careful, Rylan." Cas replies, annoyed because they've had this conversation before.
"No. Promise me you'll stop if it gets too dangerous."
"I can't."
Rylan spins around, suddenly angry. "Why not?"
"Have you seen yourself?! If we don't stop him now, he could hurt someone else, or worse!" Cas snaps.
He slams the math book shut and stands. Rylan crosses her arms loosely, but protectively over her chest.
"I have to go back." She says suddenly.
Cas blinks. "What?"
"To Northvale. I have to go back."
"Rylan, that isn't—"
"I'm the only one who can get a reaction from him! He'll never slip up with the cops and the school board watching him closely, but if I'm there, we have a chance. We can put him on edge, force him to reveal his true self." Rylan interrupts.
"And what happens when he kills you for good this time?" Cas challenges.
Rylan makes a disgruntled noise and shakes her head.
"I guess then we'll have some evidence."
Cas looks like he's been stabbed in the heart and like he wants to hit something.
"Don't you ever say that again." His tone is steady, but chills Rylan to the bone.
Thankfully, Mr. Winchester's entrance into the room interrupts the conversation. The tension dissipates as soon as the two see his face. Mr. Winchester nods to Cas.
"Can we have a moment, please."
Cas gathers up his book and leaves the room. Rylan knows it won't make any difference if Cas is in the room or not; he will still hear what her dad has to say if he really wants to.
"The Chief of police is about to come in here. He wants to talk to you," Mr. Winchester pauses to sigh, "about returning to Northvale." He looks pained.
"I know," Rylan replies.
When her dad gives her a surprised look, Rylan adds, "I suggested it."
"You what?!" Mr. Winchester's voice raises a few octaves. "No."
"Dad, we can't just keep running from our problems. I know you're scared of what will happen when I'm around him again, but I can't just run and hide while he gets away with this."
"I said no."
Rylan sighs. "I know what I'm doing, dad. I'm not asking your permission. I have to do this. I have to do it for me."
"You are just a teenager. I don't want you to do this." Mr. Winchester replies after a moment, softening his tone and taking a step toward his daughter.
"Dad, I can't stay at home for the rest of my life." Rylan argues.
"You can if I have anything to say about it."
Rylan has no great comeback this time. "Dad, this is about me. I can't get better if I don't do this."
She stares at her father, hoping he'll understand. The statement renders him speechless. It takes a minute before he can find words again.
"Why? Why does it have to be you? Why is this so important to helping you get better?" Mr. Winchester whispers. "There's a whole police force out there. Let them do their job."
"Sometimes one person is all it takes. I screwed up. I have to make it right. I'll never feel the way I used to if I don't." Rylan explains. "I know you don't understand."
"You're right. I don't. Please, don't do this."
"I promise I'll be careful." Rylan crosses the last few feet between them and wraps her arms warmly around her father. "You won't lose me."
..................................................................................................
Rylan feels well enough to go home; she's more than ready. At least at home there were things she could do to focus on getting back to the way things used to be. In the hospital she is constantly reminded of how shitty her life has become. Her wounds had healed much over the past month and she wants to get back into the swing of things.
Mr. Winchester has been doing everything he can to incarcerate Mr. Quinn, but to no avail. Without evidence, he can't be convicted and all the convincing in the world won't change that, but she can't continue with her life when she knows Mr. Quinn will just do this to some other unsuspecting teenager. She has to return to school. She doesn't know what she'll do, but she has to do something other than sit around all day.
Rylan is well aware that returning to school will require seeing the man who had almost succeeded in killing her. She also knows that exposing him will mean placing herself in danger. The Chief of Police, Richard Markham, assures Mr. Winchester and Rylan that the police force are only a call away and will do everything in their power to keep Rylan from ending up in the hospital again or worse, dead. Mr. Winchester still isn't too keen on the idea, but he eases up a bit with the Chief's assurance. It's not a guaranteed promise, but it does make Rylan feel a bit more at ease as well.
Rylan pulls a pink t-shirt on over her rib brace and winces when it briefly catches the stitches on her forehead. Getting dressed will certainly not be her favorite thing for the next month or so. Most of Rylan's bruises have faded now and the ones still lingering have turned an ugly yellow color. Her rib brace has to stay in place for another couple of weeks to make sure everything healed properly, but then the doctor will remove it. Rylan can't wait to be free from it. She finishes stuffing her remaining clothing into a black duffel bag and carries it outside the room.
"Ready to go home munchkin?" Mr. Winchester asks as he takes the bag from her hand.
Rylan smiles at the mention of home. She has missed it a lot. "Yeah. This hospital was starting to feel like Guantanamo. Any longer and I may never have gotten out of here." Rylan jokes. "Where's Cas?"
"Oh, he left already." Mr. Winchester replies.
Rylan squints. She resists the urge to twist her face in confusion since it will hurt the wound on her forehead; She has to be careful with how much she moves her face. "I thought he was going to leave with us."
Mr. Winchester simply shrugs and says, "Must have changed his mind. Let's get out of here."
Then he turns and walks to the elevators. Rylan follows and soon they are in the car and on their way home.
Rylan scrolls through the messages on her phone. Most are from Dani telling her to get better real soon so they can both hang out and complain over homework assignments together. A few others are from Tuck. Any time he had needed to get over the incident between the two seemed to have evaporated. Rylan and Tuck have even begun to grow more close over the time he spent with her in the hospital; he visited her more often than Dani did. Rylan appreciates his support.
"We're home." Mr. Winchester sing-songs as he pulls into the driveway and puts the vehicle in park.
Rylan glances up and can't help smiling at the familiar dark emerald house with brown trimming. It feels so good to be back. Mr. Winchester leads Rylan into the house and switches the lights on. The "Welcome Home" banner catches Rylan's eye first, and then everyone jumps out of their hiding spots and yells "surprise!"
Rylan's heart sputters for a moment, but then she recognizes the faces and relaxes. Cas, Tuck, Dani, and their families have come over to throw a welcome home party for Rylan. She's touched and blinks tears away rapidly.
"So this is why you didn't come home with us." Rylan accuses Cas playfully.
"I wanted to be part of the reason you look so surprised." Cas grins.
"Enough banter! I want to give my best friend a hug." Dani squeals and rushes forward to hug Rylan.
"And you, this is why you hardly ever came to see me?" Rylan accuses Dani.
Dani grimaces. "These things take time and effort to plan Rylan. Plus I'm not very good at keeping secrets from you... welcome home!"
Tuck and Cas hug Rylan after Dani and Rylan greets everyone else.
After formalities are taken care of, everyone disperses into groups;The adults split off to have conversations and Rylan takes her friends outside into the cold winter air. The snow stopped a while ago, and now only chilly wind and dew remain. Rylan creates a circle with the lawn chairs and sits down with her friends. She watches them quietly as they converse and laugh. They are happy to have her back; to be a group of four again. Rylan twiddles her thumbs, knowing her news will break the happy glow that surrounds her.
"I have to tell you guys something." She pauses to wait for their full attention. "You aren't going to like it." She admits.
Rylan chances a glance at their faces. They are all suspicious now, but none say anything.
"I'm returning to school in a few days."
Cas's mouth pops open, but Rylan continues, "I've already cleared it with my dad and Chief Markham. Anything you say won't change my mind."
Cas's mouth hardens into a thin line. What use was it to argue if she wasn't going to listen? He can't really do anything if Mr. Winchester approves.
Tuck speaks up, "Rylan, why are you doing this to yourself? I mean, you know we have your back—always—but you don't have to prove to anyone what happened."
"Yes, I do. I'm not doing this to myself; I'm doing it for myself. Everyone believes me and I'm grateful for that, but words aren't enough to convict Mr. Quinn."
Her friends shift uncomfortably at the name.
"He could hurt Dani... "
"Rylan, you don't have to worry about me." Dani insists.
"... or anyone else and I'd hate myself because I didn't at least try. I need to try." Rylan pleads with her eyes for their understanding.
"Well, you aren't going anywhere without one of us, that's for sure." Dani promises sternly, despite the smile breaking out on her lips. She is glad Rylan hasn't lost her spirit.
Rylan matches it with a smile of her own, but when she looks at Cas, she can tell he's still upset. Rylan glances at Dani, silently telling her she needs a moment.
"Tuck and I will go see if dinner's ready. C'mon Tuck." Dani says, pulling Tuck inside with her.
Rylan watches them leave, and then turns back to Cas. He stares down into his hands.
"Cas, I'm sorry you don't agree with me. I have to do this." Rylan starts to explain, but Cas stops her.
"I know Rylan. You're tougher than anyone I know. You have more than proven you can handle yourself pretty well." He peers away from Rylan and out into the distance. "That's what scares me."
"I don't understand."
Cas explains further, "It's usually the strongest people who are the most broken inside. You know how to be strong because you've been through hell. The difference between you and the other people, who stay broken on the outside, is that you've decided to keep going through that hell while they've resigned themselves to never leaving it."
Cas swallows the tears trying to escape his eyes. "Just... if you're hurting, don't hide it. You have a lot of people who love and care about you. We're all willing to help."
"I know." Rylan says quietly.
Cas takes Rylan's hands in his and looks her dead in the eyes. "When I thought you had died... I won't go through that again."
"You won't have to." Rylan promises, but she doesn't trust her words completely.
.................................................................................................
The night wears on and eventually everyone goes home. Rylan makes the trek to the bathroom alone for the first time since her accident.
Once inside, she flicks the lights on and stares into the mirror. She remembers how her face looked before and compares it to the reflection staring back at her now. Rylan is thinner and more fragile somehow; her more visible cheekbones and the stitches marking the gash along her forehead seem to cloud the old, innocent Rylan. Rylan runs her fingers lightly across the stitches. The gash will supposedly heal nicely, but it will still leave a thin pink scar. Scars are memories and this one is a horrible memory.
It will heal her head tells her.
"It doesn't matter. I will never be the same." Rylan murmurs to herself thoughtfully.
She grips the tabletop angrily, her knuckles turning white. Then Rylan lets out an anguished cry and sends the entire contents of the table flying to the floor. She yanks on her hair and turns it into a rat's nest as she cries.
"Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck!" Rylan screams as she kicks and slaps at anything in reach.
Her foot scratches up the cupboard door below the sink.
"Motherfucker!"
She slams the bathroom door a few times and picks up one of her shampoo bottles from the floor. Rylan steps forward to throw the bottle at the mirror, but trips on the rug and falls into the bathtub instead. It takes her a moment to let go of her frustration, and then she hugs her knees to her chest and buries her face in them.
"Rylan?! What's going on in there? Are you alright?" Mr. Winchester's calls sound frantic as he runs down the hallway and opens the bathroom door.
When Mr. Winchester sees his daughter and the large mess, he appraises her with sad eyes. Rylan doesn't look up. Mr. Winchester does the only thing he can think to do; He climbs into the bathtub next to Rylan and pulls her to him. The two sit there, one holding the other as she cries. Nothing he can say will be of more comfort than his embrace.