BEFORE YOU START READING LOOK AT THE THING ^^^ UP THERE. Absolutely adorable and amazing fanart the wonderful kingofhellordoftime drew inspired by this eh fic. You can find their art on their page and their tumblr under the same url. :3
Okay, you may proceed in reading~
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Inky black locks floated around him in tendrils, the water surrounding him freezing cold, numbing his limbs and stealing his breath away. As soon as his mind made sense of where he was, he instinctively flailed, attempting to create momentum and find the surface of the water, if there was a surface. It was dark, the only think darker being the hair floating around his head, blinding him to what little light he might have been able to catch sight of.
Panic rose up and he continued to flail, his arms reaching in every possible direction and his legs kicking tirelessly at the water, but as far as he could tell, he wasn't moving.
His fingers suddenly came into contact with something solid - soft, like flesh, but solid unlike anything else around him. He moved further, trying to grab onto whatever it was, only to find the slick texture of skin sliding against his own. A shoulder. He wanted to gasp or cry out, but it seemed the water had him in a chokehold and there was no way to breathe; he was going to drown, he was going to die...
The tendrils slowly faded outward and away to reveal a face - so pale it glowed in the darkness. Slowly, his eyes made out the figure of a woman wearing a torn dress, floating around her much like her jet black hair that matched his own; her eyes, too, were similar to his, and recognition slammed into him so hard he'd stopped flailing about. The woman smiled at him, her hand gently caressing his cheek before she gently floated away, before he could latch onto her and hold on for dear life...
* * *
Levi could feel eyes on him at breakfast, even as he made it a point to keep his focus on the wood of the table in front of him as he sat back in the chair, nonchalantly sipping his tea without so much as acknowledging any of the other recruits. It was only one pair, but it was a stubborn, relentless set that, for him especially, was difficult to ignore. But he wasn't about to go down without a fight and meet those eyes, knowing he'd have to answer a bombardment of questions once he did.
Hanji chattered away throughout the meal, discussing with Erwin strategies they'd use in the next expedition in ten days. Though he knew he should've been paying attention and taking mental notes, he didn't retain a single word of it. No one questioned him.
Later that morning, familiar footsteps approached him without invitation as he worked on strapping up his maneuver gear. He pretended not to notice, but Eren didn't like to be ignored.
"Something's bugging you," said the teen. It wasn't a question. Eren could tell. And Levi hadn't a clue how to respond. "Do you wanna talk about it?"
"There's nothing to talk about," he lied, thankful he'd practiced and perfected such an impassive, stoic facade that no one, not even Eren could completely decipher.
But, as it seemed, Eren was getting better. Finished strapping up his gear and with nothing else to distract himself with, he was forced to glance up at his subordinate, whose brows were slightly furrowed, a slightly analytical look in his eyes. Levi raised his own brows, and the teen said nothing.
At that moment, Erwin called everyone to begin the training session, cutting Eren off from anything else he might've said or done. Still, Levi could see that look in his eyes, and he immediately began conjuring up excuses for when he was showered in questions later; he knew Eren wasn't going to let it go.
Levi managed to lose himself in the training, looking after his squad and barking orders. The simulation went fairly smoothly, but any veteran knew it would never be this easy in real life. The commander had them run through it several times. The entire thing was simply a test - would a simulation prior to the expedition itself help the strategy, help them reach their goal?
Four hours after it began, Erwin finally dismissed them. Levi hopped to the ground with about as much grace as a colt attempting to walk for the first time. He could practically feel the sweat seeping from his pores; he disgustedly ran a sleeve over his forehead to catch the perspiration. As he moved to follow the rest of the recruits from the training grounds, he was already planning a thorough shower.
"Captain," called an all-too familiar voice from his right. Biting back a sigh, he turned as Eren approached him. The kid's hair stuck up, wind-blown, and caught the light of the sunset from behind, giving it a golden glow. Watching the slight swing of his hips and the confidence in his stride, the strand of hair stuck to his cheek from sweat had Levi unable to deny the slight hitch of his breath at the sight of the teen. He easily fell into step beside his superior. "How'd I do?" he asked.
Levi narrowed his eyes a bit. It wasn't usually like Eren to ask for a critique of his performance, but Levi shrugged it off. "You could've been faster at times," he said; there was no way he'd be giving Eren a perfect analysis. "But overall you weren't horrible."
He could see the teen grin from the corner of his eye; his smile was just that bright. They entered the building together, Levi holding the door for the other and brushing off his thank you before following him inside.
They parted ways without a word, Eren headed toward the recruits end of the building while Levi headed toward his own room in the opposite direction.
He wasn't really one for cold showers, but something compelled him to set the water as cool as he could stand it as if it'd get rid of or at least distract him from the images in his mind. The images of her...
~
Eren made it a point to line up behind Levi at dinner, taking his time to fill his plate with food across the bar. The raven found himself nibbling absently on the inside of his lip, somehow just knowing what was coming next.
"Are you ever gonna tell me what's bugging you?" he murmured so only they could hear.
"I told you there's nothing bugging me, kid," Levi muttered back. He was lying through his teeth, but it didn't matter; the last thing he wanted was to talk about it.
"Shove it, Levi," Eren muttered back; Levi's stomach clenched in surprise and irritation. He shot a look at his subordinate, mustering his best glare. The only time Eren ever used his first name was when they were alone, when there was no risk of anyone overhearing, when things were more personal...more intimate.
Eren was unfazed. "When you wanna talk, you know where to find me." With that, he turned and strode away, toward his usual seat between Mikasa and Armin.
Levi was stunned for a moment, standing at the counter in the middle of preparing his tea. A bag hung from his fingertips by the string, his heart thudding strangely fast. Quickly, once his eyes refocused on what his hands had stalled in doing, he forced a swallow and finished making the tea, still a bit flustered that Eren could seemingly see through him so well.
~
Levi's footsteps were soundless against the cold wood of the floor; he wore nothing on his feet but a thick pair of socks, making it easier to stay silent. He reached the top of the staircase descending into the basement. The steps disappeared down into the darkness, leaving him blind a few feet ahead. But he'd been down there hundreds of times. It wouldn't be hard to feel his way into the darkness.
But he wasn't sure if he should. It'd been a few nights since Eren had snuck up to his room, and a few weeks since Levi had been the one to do the sneaking. Sometimes Eren would stop for a few nights, like he was waiting for Levi to take the initiative for once instead. On the rare occasion he didn't take the hint and do so, Eren would start finding his way up to the captain's bedroom again, never saying a word about how Levi hadn't been in the basement for a while.
The man sighed and pushed a hand through his hair, internally fighting with himself. If he went down there, he knew he'd have to explain himself. Eren was persistent and hard to say no to. Thus, Levi had to make the decision - talk about what's been bothering him since the moment his eyelids peeled open that morning, or spend another miserable, cold night without Eren asleep beside him.
After considering his options for a few more moments, he finally swallowed his pride and made his way down the staircase. When he rounded the corner at the last step, he found a soft yellow glow shining from between the bars of Eren's cell, flickering faintly against the stone wall. His brows knitted together in confusion involuntarily - either Eren (idiotically) forgot to put out the torch before going to sleep or he was still awake. Levi found the latter to be true as he padded silently to the cell door. The boy was upright at the head of his bed, his knees up, arms around them with one hand locked around the other wrist, his head buried between his knees.
The sight suddenly had all of Levi's own issues temporarily forgotten; he eased the door open, careful to be as soundless as possible, and wandered into the little room. Eren didn't so much as budge. The only proof he was even still alive was the expanding and contracting of his ribcage, he was simply that still. Levi briefly wondered if he'd fallen asleep in such a position...
And for the first time in his life, for a reason he couldn't really understand, Levi felt the uncontrollable need to take someone into his arms. He leaned down and did just that, sliding his hands around the teen's shoulders and pulling him gently to his chest. Eren gasped at the sudden, unexpected contact and his head snapped up, nearly knocking right into Levi's chin. Still, the man didn't let go; he eased himself down onto the bed as it sunk into Eren's head what was going on, and he melted into the embrace, his own arms finding their way around Levi's waist.
"What's the matter?" whispered the raven after a while.
"Nothing," Eren mumbled back.
"Bullshit."
"Really. I'm just tired..."
"Then why weren't you asleep?"
"I don't...really know..."
Levi rolled his eyes. "Idiot," he mumbled, an unintentional amount of affection coating his tone.
Eren blew air from his nose in something of a laugh. "Did you come down here to call me names or to tell me what's been bugging you?"
"Neither."
The next breath was a sigh. "Okay then." Eren began pulling himself from the embrace - as much as he didn't want to. "Let's just get some sleep, I guess."
Though a bit annoyed, Levi didn't protest as his subordinate stretched himself out and rolled over so his back was turned to Levi. It wasn't a gesture of irritation, but an invitation which Levi couldn't help but take. After putting out the torch, he laid down as well, pressing his back to Eren's and getting comfortable - it was a position they occasionally slept in when it was too hot or they simply didn't feel like cuddling up, a way they could still be touching and comfortable at the same time.
Levi felt like the darkness was swallowing him whole. He stared directly in front of him but could see nothing, not even the stone wall only a few feet away from him. He could feel Eren's breathing against his back, steady but not deep enough to indicate he'd fallen asleep. It was almost like he was waiting, but refused to say anything. Like he was waiting for Levi to speak up first.
The corporal figured he should try and get some sleep - the next expedition was only a couple weeks, and he always scolded his squad about getting enough sleep in the days leading up to the journey. But he wasn't tired, and after the previous night, he wanted to avoid sleep as to keep those images away.
He finally shut his eyes.
"It's a dream," he said finally. His voice reverberated off the walls, seemingly loud in the otherwise silent basement.
"Hmm?" Eren asked.
"A dream," Levi repeated. "The thing that's bothering me. A dream...about my mother."
The bed suddenly shifted beneath him as Eren sat up and turned around, squinting to find his captain. Levi merely turned his head; he could just barely see the teen leaning over him, but making out any kind of expression was hopeless. Cool fingers made contact with his arm and trailed down until they found his hand, resting against the mattress near his stomach. He let his hand be wrapped in the younger's, shifting onto his back a bit only to end up halfway in Eren's lap.
"I have dreams about my mom, too," Eren whispered, his scarred hands holding tighter to Levi's. "About how I couldn't save her."
Levi felt a twinge in his chest at those words. He sat up, adding another hand to the mess of fingers between them.
"Mine was senseless," he murmured. "She was floating in water...it had nothing to do with the way she..."
"Can you tell me how she did die?" Eren whispered. Levi felt him lean closer; he was drawn to the warmth and shut his eyes again, remembering. That little room. Feeling terribly hungry and cold as his mother laid in the bed, taking her last breaths.
"She was sick," he began. "She kept telling me she'd be okay, but I knew she was lying. I was alone for a few days after she finally succumbed to her illness, and then Kenny showed up. I told him she was dead. And I told him my name."
"You witnessed her die then..."
Levi stayed silent. Eren already knew the answer without him having to say it. And he felt petty for feeling so forlorn about something that happened so long ago, especially speaking about it to someone who witness his mother get devoured right in front of him as he was dragged helplessly away.
But Eren surprised him by asking him to recount it all, to tell him the story from the first moment he could remember. And as he did, the words spilling out without consent, Eren listened attentively the whole time, never interrupting or cutting him off despite how tired he seemed.
"You don't dream of her often, do you?" Eren asked once he was finished, both of them lying down again, this time facing each other with their faces close, hands still intertwined between them.
"No," Levi said softly. "Almost never."
And suddenly a pair of soft, damp lips were pressed to Levi's forehead. A gasp pulled in between his own lips; he suddenly felt so small, so vulnerable, somehow so loved. His stomach tightened and fluttered in the strangest of ways. As Eren's lips parted from his skin, that little reminder rang out in his head - 'this is wrong, this is wrong'.
Yet he suddenly didn't care. Because Eren was his world. Such a bold, stubborn brat who'd stumbled into his life kicking and screaming with a simple-minded passion to rid the world of titans with an ability only he possessed - that drive in and of itself on top of his shifter ability - meant everything to him. It was terrifying as it was grounding.
"You know..." Levi began. He swallowed around the thickness of his throat, oblivious on how to handle these sudden, formidable emotions swelling up. "I don't really think you're such an idiot, right?"
He swore he could feel Eren's lips thin out into a smile; simply imagining it had his stomach flopping in awkward, unfamiliar ways, never mind actually seeing it...
"Yeah," Eren responded softly, "I know."
* * *
His breath is deep, his hair soft between my fingers. His long, thick eyelashes rest gently against his golden brown cheeks, his lips parted just slightly. He sleeps like a child, and he hasn't moved all night. It's more peaceful than I've seen him sleep in a long, long time. Many nights, his face would be twisted up as a result of the pain of a nightmare. Some nights he wouldn't even sleep, but stare blankly at the nearest wall for hours without ever shutting his eyes.
I'm constantly conflicted between blaming myself for it and thinking he's an idiot for letting something so trivial affect him in such an enormous way. From the moment I realized how much my death impacted him, I've felt guilty for letting myself get killed in such a shitty way. I'd been so dead set on protecting him out there that it became more important than protecting my own feeble life, and in the long run he ended up hurt anyway...
Watching him slide downhill over the years since my passing without the capability to do a damned thing about it is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. Fighting titans was nothing, losing the ones I cared about to their wrath and gluttony was bearable in comparison. Seeing the pain in his eyes, watching as his memories ate away at his mind as he lived nearly in solitude, as he spoke to the air thinking I couldn't hear every agonized word he said cut me deeper than anything could.
I can feel his gentle warmth against the bare skin of my chest, feel the air exiting his lungs brush against my stomach, see the peace on his face. His eyes are still behind closed lids - no nightmares, nothing to rip him from his precious sleep. I don't understand how my presence can calm him so much.
His heart beats steadily, but I can feel him waking up. It picks up a bit, his breathing deepening a bit before his eyes flick to the side momentarily, his lashes beginning to flutter open. I remain still, letting him wake up and make sense of his surroundings. His arm pulls away from my waist and he brings a hand to his face, a muffled, sleepy hum sounding from his throat.
Suddenly, he jerks back a bit, his head snapping up and his eyes opening fully to rove over me until they finally trail up to my face. As soon as recognition settles in, he relaxes, those iridescent blue-green eyes liquefying. I remove my hand from his hair; it's matted to his forehead with sweat and I gently brush it back.
I'm about to say something I quickly forget when his hand lifts to my chin and he's pulling me in, pressing his mouth right against mine. I feel myself freeze, but his heart flutters and quickly thaws me out and my lips are moving tenderly with his. When he pulls back, his cheeks are flushed and he quickly pushes himself up, disarraying the sheets further and rubbing his hands over his face.
"Hmph," I mutter, reaching for him and yanking him back down. A gasp draws in between his lips and he blinks at me, flustered. I curl myself around him a bit and press my nose into his hair; while he smells faintly of sweat, he still holds the same sweet and somehow earthy scent I remember.
"Wha...?" he mumbles. My wings flutter involuntarily just as I let go of him and move swiftly from the bed, embarrassed by my own actions as he is his.
"You need to eat," I say, folding my arms.
He starts to follow me, eyes still wide. "I'm okay," he tells me.
"Please," I mutter, rolling my eyes as a reflex. "You haven't eaten since yesterday morning, and you don't eat enough as it is."
I watch the crease form between his thick brows. "You really have been here this whole time..."
"No shit."
Though he's taller than me - even taller than before my death, and irritatingly so - I have no trouble pushing him toward the door. As he would, he complains at me and tries pushing back, but it's unsurprisingly useless. He huffs once he's past the threshold.
"You're gonna make me go down and eat in pajamas?"
I raise my brows. "That never stopped you before."
And suddenly he's grinning, and if the beating in my chest was my own, it would've stuttered and struggled to find a steady rhythm again because of it, guaranteed. "But you always scolded me about things like that."
"Doesn't much matter now," I say casually. I give him another nudge in the center of his back with my fist. "Now go."
His grin fades quickly, but the luster in his eyes has returned at least somewhat. He takes me by the hand and leads me down the stairs and into the mess hall where Hanji and Armin are picking at their lunches and talking about who-knows-what. As soon as we enter the room, Armin's head perks up and he casts a cautious smile to Eren, something that's become routine. What with the kid's lashing or zoning out and unpredictable moods, everyone has made the cautiousness a habit around him.
"Afternoon, Eren," the blond calls, causing Hanji to swivel their head to see him, too.
"Hey," he answers quietly; I let my hand slip from his. They can't see me, just as I'd anticipated.
He turns, shooting me a confused look, and I shake my head quickly, trying to remind him. He shrugs and continues toward the kitchen to throw together a messy sandwich.
"Have you no care for organization?" I scoff, eyeing his haphazard work.
"No," he answers before sinking his teeth into the mess of bread, meat, and cheese.
"Typical."
"Aren't you gonna eat?" he asks after - thankfully - swallowing.
"I don't eat."
"Huh?"
I look him straight in the eye. "I'm dead."
The sandwich nearly slips right through his fingers and he suddenly goes pale. His eyes drop to the floor. I immediately regret being so blunt.
"Oh. Yeah."
I thrust my chin in the direction of the door. "You should join them."
"Why?"
"Because you never talk to them anymore."
"Yes I do," he defends, but there's no heart in it.
"Go," I insist. "They're worried about you."
He has no response for that. It's easy to see the conflict in his eyes before he finally picks up his plate. "Come with me," he says.
I do, of course. I trail behind him as he walks quietly over to where Hanji and Armin are still chattering away, something about what they can use ocean water for. Eren takes a tentative seat beside Hanji; the two of them smile at his presence. I perch myself on the end of the table, merely watching.
"What's up, Eren?" Armin asks. He's doing a poor job at hiding his skepticism.
"Nothing," he replies quietly. And it's so typical of him - quipped responses that'll help him avoid any in-depth conversation with anyone, even the people who were supposed to be his best friends. I've damaged this boy so badly...
"Nice of you to join us for once," Hanji says. They grin and peek at him over their glasses.
Eren nods and quickly takes a bite of his sandwich. The following silence as he chews is awkward and god, there's plenty of things any of them could say.
"Say something about the ocean water," I tell him. He mistakenly glances up at me before his eyes shoot back down, earning a puzzled look from the blond.
"So...you were saying something about the salt...?" Eren asks awkwardly.
"Mhm!" Hanji enthusiastically supplies. "We were wondering if there was a way to extract the salt from the ocean water, though I haven't had any luck with it so far. Armin and I were brainstorming other ways of doing so."
"And?" Eren's hesitant; this isn't something he wants to talk about. Or he doesn't want to talk at all. But I won't let him out of this. He needs them.
"Well, we're working on this theory of sunlight - if we can find a way to collect the water particles and place it in the sunlight, we're hoping the weight of the salt will be too much and the water will separate from it."
"The...water what will...do what now?" Eren asks, a deep, confused frown set in his features.
"It has to do with the water cycle," Hanji says, adjusting their glasses in the way they do when they're about to go on a science ramble. Without titans around to study, they've had to focus their wits on other things. I roll my eyes. "Water on the ground evaporates and creates vapor, or, as you would know it, steam, as the sun shines on it. Up in the atmosphere, those miniscule particles condense and create droplets that become too heavy for the heat of the sun to hold onto anymore and gravity pulls it back to earth and thus, creating rain or snow."
Hanji's attempt at explanation is futile; Eren's completely lost on the concept. "What does that have to do with salt water?" he asks.
"You see...if the sun is shining on the samples I took, it should cause the water to evaporate and separate from the salt, just like the water cycle to create the weather."
He blinks at them once. Twice. Sighs. "Okaaay then..."
I snort. "Science is clearly lost on you," I say.
"Shut up," he shoots right at me, sending a glare. And almost instantaneously he realizes his mistake and his teeth snap shut while his eyes begin to bug right out of his head. His heart picks up, and I can't think of any way to help him.
"Eren, dear, who are you talking to?" Hanji's asking, placing a hand on his shoulder.
"Huh?" He finally turns his head in their direction. "Uhm...no one. I just..."
"Are you feeling okay?" Armin asks, genuinely concerned.
"Mm...no, I guess not..." It's the only excuse he can think of, and it isn't making him look any saner than they usually perceive him as.
"Did you get enough sleep?" Hanji asks.
I don't give him time to answer. I grab the back of a chair and push it over. It clatters to the floor, startling all three of them. For a moment, I swear Armin looks right at me in shock, but it lasts only a second.
"What the hell?" Hanji's asking. I leap from the table and quickly head toward the door. The plea in Eren's eyes is what has me slowing down.
"I'll be outside," I tell him.
And only does it occur to me that I should've apologized when I'm jumping from the window in my room.
* * *
"They think I've completely lost it now." His voice is hushed, regretful. His eyes are fixed on the grass, gently swaying in the evening breeze. His hands rest in his lap, the light is fading from his eyes. He's starting to blank out. "Maybe I have."
"I'm sorry," I finally say. It doesn't pull him back.
"I'm probably completely bonkers." The sentence is punctuated by a dry laugh. He fades out a little more. I'm not going to let him go, not if I can help it this time. I've seen him this way for too many hours, far too many times before - a blank, unblinking stare, his only motion being the breath involuntarily pulling in and out of his lungs. I don't know where his mind goes when it happens, but I'll be damned if I don't stop it now.
"Eren, listen to me." I wrap a hand around his; he flinches and looks down at it before his eyes follow the path of my arm to my face. "What happened in there was my fault," I tell him. "You're not crazy. You're just..."
"Just what?" he comes back a little, but what I have to say isn't going to help keep him here.
"Never mind. You're not crazy. Just like you were never a monster, you aren't 'completely bonkers' or whatever the hell it is you just said."
"And if they come out here and find me having a conversation with thin air?"
Thin air. That's exactly what I am to everyone but him. It suddenly sinks in, and though I've known it all along, I know this can't last. Because of what I am. Because of the state I'm in. Because of the state he's in. It can't...
"I don't care!" he suddenly cries, leaning forward and burying his face in my chest. "I don't give a damn if they find me here...talking to thin air...like I am a fucking lunatic. I...I need you here..."
His voice is so small, so weak. Something wet drips onto my chest and I encircle my arms around him. It's all I can do to keep my own composure. He feels so fragile, is so wounded. I catch sight of the crescent shaped scars on one of his hands. No, he isn't crazy.
He's broken.
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I'm so sorry it took so long to get this written. Dx Let me know what you think!♥