Sleep for me had been restless, I had so many images and scenarios running through my head, I was sure it would soon burst through my ears.
I'd had many dreams that night, both nightmares of the fight, and also dreams of my future, happy, alive, curled warm and safe in the arms of Callum.
I was beginning to hate myself, how could I think like that? How could I betray Duke that way?
Afraid of my own mind and body, I decided to stay awake from midnight onwards. I kept my head back, my eyes closed.
I couldn't sleep, and not too long later, a nasty head ache had developed.
Really, I had deserved it. I deserved to feel pain for the things that I had been intentionally and unintentionally thinking.
Callum hadn't stirred all night, in fact, he seemed to be having a wonderful sleep.
Every now and then, I would peer over at his figure, slumped over the short lounge as he lightly snored. Sometimes, he would twitch, other times, he would smile. I became curious in those moments, wanting to know what he was dreaming of.
By morning, I had given up on sitting inside the house. With Callum so close, with my irritated and irrational mind, I knew it was time to escape and find distraction.
It was getting close to fight night, 15 hours away, I needed to be ready, mind, body and soul.
When the sun crept up, so did I. I soaked myself in a warm shower and even that didn't seem to calm my nerves. I tugged on some warm clothes and prepared to head outside, much to Callum's dismay without him.
It was only about 7 in the morning and besides, he would be asleep for a good 3 more hours, so I took my chance.
Carefully, I shut the front door behind myself, leaving behind a note on the coffee table just in case Callum did awaken and panic.
I made my way up the same path Callum had shown me the day before, watching over my shoulder in mere natural paranoia.
It took me a little longer to reach the top of the hill than it had the day before, but I had made it successfully within an hour.
It seemed even more perfect than the day before, and right then and there, I knew it was where I was going to be when the battle was to start.
I could concentrate, one hundred percent, there were no distractions, nothing but me and the beauty of nature surrounding me.
I soaked it in, taking fresh breathes of air into my lungs. I let it fill me up, then slowly, I found myself lighter and more composed.
I chose a dry spot of grass on the hill and sat down crossing my legs like a child did in kindergarten. I took in another deep breath and checked my surroundings one more time before confidently shutting my eyes.
It wasn't hard to clear my mind, for once in my life, I was left with a blank canvas. I took that as a good sign and began.
I thought about Duke, his face, his smile, his eyes, every detail I could imagine of his face. I found myself staring into his eyes, his golden deep honey coloured eyes, and then his smile, that crooked smile that made me quiver. His soft pale skin, dark tousled hair falling perfectly messy around his ears, it was all there, quiet and beautiful.
I felt myself smile, and before I knew it, I was there, with him.
I looked around my new surroundings, taking in the hot summer air, sticky and humid. I could hear the soft distant melody of Spanish music being played from a small cassette player. A pool was to my left, only half filled, the water murky and silent. Buildings surrounded me, dozens of doors meters from one another, dirty and numbered.
It hadn't taken me long to realise that the suburb I was in, wasn't a good one.
The wire fencing was torn, unkept and cut, barely upright. It surrounded me, like a small prison, and that's when I knew where I was standing, outside of a motel, a dark, run down motel on the outskirts of Brazil.
I was in the parking lot, few cars, few visitors, and for obvious reasons.
I listened to the sound of cicadas calling echoes through the thick air, flies buzzing past my head, loud and irritating. It was unnerving, until I began to hear a sound that spun my invisible body around
I had turned to my right and beside a damaged brick wall with a poorly scrawled sign, naming the hotel as 'Hotel Casa', I could see Duke, Darius and Riley. They were standing together, their voices hushed, but clear to my ears.
My feet seemed to stay in place for a moment, my mind and soul disconnected in someway, but I forced them to cooperate and managed those small steps forward.
Slowly, their voices became more serious the further I approached, they were talking about tonight.
Darius seemed worried, his brows creased in the middle, his lips tight. Riley was as usual, himself, calm, laid-back, I missed him, I missed his character.
Duke was standing firmly beside them, his arms folded, his expression unfocused, but behind his beautiful eyes, I could see the urgency, the concentration.
I stepped closer, about a meter from them.
I wondered if they could sense me, if they could feel me or see me, but they couldn't, it was in no way possible, and they were far too distracted by their conversation to even notice a stray dog waddle past with a lead dragging along behind it.
"There's another one" Darius spoke towards them, catching my full attention
"What do you mean another one?" Riley scoffed
"Another Angel. I talked to Seth yesterday on the phone, he had been inside Ty's head. Ty won't speak his name, but Seth could read that there's another accomplice within the whole thing that we are unaware of. Someone close, someone we aren't going to expect" Darius explained
"We need a name, something" Duke shook his head, his voice sending chills down my spine
Darius shook his head back and rubbed his temples "He's trying as hard as he can, but I'm sure whoever it is, won't be any more of a challenge than what Ty and Alex are going to be. It's just another number" He tried, seemingly frustrated
"Then why are they hiding him? We have no idea who this Angel is, what his tactics are and what reason he has for joining their side" Duke added
I wondered just who this other Angel was, had I already met him? Did I know him? Why was he hiding? There had to be an underlying reason, otherwise he would be just as easy to read as Alex and Ty were. They were being sneaky, and now they had a secret weapon not even Duke and Darius knew anything about.
"Try harder" Duke spat, sighing as he threw his arms up, storming from them
"Don't worry about him, he's just eager to get this done and get back to his fiancè" Riley rolled his eyes
"And I'm not eager to get back to my fiancé?" Darius spat back, his voice tinged with irritation "He isn't the only one in the world that is missing out on someone" He added before storming off in the opposite direction Duke had
Riley sighed and kicked the dirt beneath his shoe. He looked like hell, his eyes had developed a thick dark line around his irises, the whites of his eyes bloodshot.
I wondered how they'd been feeding, how they were sufficing in blood without having a customised personal bank.
I wished I could have talked to them, touched them, told them that I believed in them and that everything was going to be okay. But I couldn't and the sad reality hit me, hard.
I felt dread wash over me, seeing Duke the way he was, it tipped my emotions over the edge. Before I could control it, as I let my mind slip, my emotions took over and the world spun around me. The scene in front of me blurred and the sounds that I had become accustomed to began to disappear. Within a second, I was back from my trip, sitting on the hill top alone, tears falling carelessly down my cheeks.
This was where I had finally exploded, everything that had happened was now rushing towards me at high speed, the pain more real than I had ever imagined. Something felt wrong, I could almost feel death at my doorstep, waiting to open up and collect its dues.
Maybe I should have sacrificed myself, giving my life for those that were now in danger because of me. It was only right, why should they die for me? I had done nothing to deserve protection, nothing to deserve the life I had.
I sat on the hill, crying, releasing all of my emotions all at once. There were no restrictions, no one to tell me that things would be okay, no one to whisper false hopes into my ears.
I felt guilty, guilty for everything everyone felt they needed to do for me. I was no better to be saved than they were. I was angry, angry that my life had been labelled as more important than their own. Anger had boiled to my brim, and I felt as though I was now ready to find Ty and Alex and this mystery man, give myself in to them, surrender my life in sacrifice for those that I loved. Only then would it really be over.
I stood up, angrily brushed my tears away with the hem of my shirt and stormed off towards the house where Callum was.
I didn't know what time it was, but by now, the sun was sky high, beaming down on my skin, burning with the same intensity of heat that my red cheeks did,
Through my frustration and fast pace strides, I had made it back within half an hour, running on pure adrenaline. I needed to stop this, I needed for my friends to be safe, to not have the burden of me hanging over their lives.
With me around, no one would ever be safe, no one would ever truly be okay.
I couldn't let them die because of me.
Once I entered the house, Callum was immediately in my space, his eyes fueled with rage
"Where the hell have you been?" He near shouted as I stood in the doorway
I didn't say anything, he had a right to be angry at me, like they all did. His eyes wandered over my face, taking in the wet puffy appearance of my eyes.
"What happened?" He asked, the anger quickly replaced by concern as he reached a hand out towards me, stopping an inch short when I flinched back
"Take me to Brazil Callum" I bravely demanded
"Why?" He asked, watching me carefully
"This needs to stop, I can't keep putting you all in danger like this, it's wrong of me, I can't do it anymore, I've had enough. If I give them what they want, they'll let you all be, all of this fighting, this anger, this hate can be over, no one will die over me, not anymore" I rushed out, my eyes planting firmly on his face
"No one is going to die Rosie, I understand you're stressed about it all, terrified, but it's going to be okay, we'll take care of this and then things will be okay, everything will go back to being the way it was" He tried, reaching his arm out towards me again
"For how long? We said that last time and now look where we are again, someone is going to die, I can feel it" I mumbled out, tears falling from my face again
"Relax Rosie, no one is going to get hurt, I promise you that -"
"And then, when it is all over, I am still going to be torn, fighting my own selfish battle between you and Duke. I can't have both, but I can't decide, I shouldn't have either of you, I shouldn't be worth either of your time" I blubbered like a child
Callum was taken back, I could see it and I guessed that it only confirmed to us both then and there that I did undeniably love both him and Duke at the same time.
"Look, it doesn't matter about any of that, not now" He started, his voice soft and low as he stepped towards me
"I know that Duke and I are different, I'm so much different ways, but we are also similar in so many ways, as much as it kills me to admit it, Duke and I, we both have time, endless amounts of it, we both want what is best for you, even if that means I have to give you up or he has to give you up just for you to be happy" He tried, reaching his arm out to finally grab a gentle hold of my upper arm
"And that's what hurts the most" I whispered
"The point is, as long as you are happy Rose, we will be happy, whatever choice you make, we will understand" He continued
His understanding, his firm eye contact, it only encouraged more tears to spill. How could I choose between them? How could I live with myself knowing that my choice would break someone's heart all for the sake of my own happiness?
Callum reached out for me, both his arms on either side of my waist as he pulled me towards him. My hands were on my face, ashamed as he pulled me into his chest. He placed a gentle hand on the back of my hair while I stood against his body, crying, sobbing; his other hand on my back as his chin sat on the top of my head
I clung to him, knowing I would regret my outburst once it was over, yet already feeling better that I had let myself go
"It's going to be fine Rosie" Callum whispered into my hair
I closed my eyes and felt my body begin to slow down. I fell loosely against Callum's chest, pulled close, soaking in the comforting contact. My eyes remained closed, stinging and soggy. My tears had dried to my face, dry and hot. I didn't want to move, I was embracing the comfort and avoiding the embarrassment.
"I just want to see you happy Rosie, we all do" Callum whispered again, his fingers against my hair soothing
When I finally found the courage to pull away, I gave a short sigh. My fingers were still curled around Callum's scrunched shirt as I looked up at him. I was probably a mess, more hideous than a four eyed monster, yet Callum gently stared back, one hand still on my back, the other now on the side of my face
Time froze and I could of sworn that I had heard both my own and Callums heartbeat stop at the exact same moment everything around us disappeared
I was lost, lost inside my maze of a mind, lost inside the deep pools of Callum's sweet gaze; what a dangerous combination.
My eyes wandered over his face, studying the small near invisible freckles that lined his nose, his perfectly even skin tone, his full lips that twitched under my gaze. I felt my hands release from their crumpled fists, flattening out so that my palms were lightly pressed against his chest
I felt the internal war inside my head beckon me, the one that told me to pull away, the one that told me to do what felt right, they had both drawn their weapons.
"C'mon, I think you need some sleep" Callum whispered, his thumb over my cheek
I didn't want to move, I didn't want his hands to leave my body, but I knew he was doing me a favour by separating us, so I let him pull back, my hands dropping to my sides. His hand dropped from my face, the other pulling me towards the couch.
I sat down and took a deep breath in, staring at my feet on the hard wood floor
"Sleep" Callum spoke, smiling a weak smile at me before he turned to walk off towards the kitchen
Before my brain could decide to recklessly chase after him, I rest my head down, staring up at the white ceiling before closing my eyes.
I was sleep deprived and surely my meltdown might not have happened had I of had a good nights sleep
Soon enough, my body took over and I was swept up by the darkness that recovered lost energy, lost common sense and most importantly, lost pride.
"Rosie, Rose" My name was whispered.
I thought I was dreaming, but as the voice continued to call me, becoming more firm, my eyes flickered open.
Standing above me was Callum
"Hey" I replied, my voice heavy with sleep
"It's getting late, I thought you might want to be awake a little while before I leave" He whispered, his face still hovering over me
"Yeah, thanks" I nodded, yawning
"No problem" He smiled before drawing back, disappearing from my view
I sat up and rubbed my eyes feeling much more improved after my uninterrupted slumber
"How long have I been out?" I asked as Callum sat opposite me on the couch
"About 6 hours" He shrugged as my eyes widened
"What time is it?" I asked, pushing the new found blanket off of myself
"Nearly five" He answered back
Stretching my muscles out, reality returned
"I still don't feel right letting you all go and risk yourselves for me. I mean, there has to be something I can do besides watch on helplessly?" I told him, my stomach uneasy
"The best thing you can do is to stay here, be safe. We will fight better knowing you are safe, Besides I'm starting to think that you are seriously underestimating our power" He raised his eyebrows at me
"It isn't that and you know it" I lightly smiled, stretching my arms out wide in front of myself
"I know" He added before standing and moving towards the kitchen
"Hungry?" He called as I stood, stretching my calves out wide, the motion painful
"A little" I shrugged
"There's leftover spaghetti here, no sauce though" He offered, closing the fridge door as he pulled out the spaghetti
I nodded "Good enough" and moved towards him as he pulled two forks from the top drawer. I snatched one from his grip and speared the cold food with my fork twisting it before putting it into my mouth
"Yum" I mumbled through the mouthful as Callum copied my manoeuvre
"Full of flavour" Callum joked through his mouthful.
We both smiled and it seemed as if the crying episode had been completely forgotten, thankfully.
We stood against the bench and ate the entire bowl of leftovers cold and dry. It satisfied my stomach, but the taste it left in my mouth was less than desirable.
"We're going to regret that tomorrow morning" Callum said as he rinsed the bowl under the sink
I shook my head and sat myself on the lounge, patting my stomach
Callum joined me, taking a seat beside me as he leaned back and sighed
"Are you scared?" I asked, turning serious again as I looked at his face
"A little" He shrugged, watching me
"What if something happens to you?" I asked, forcing myself from picturing it
"If something happens to me Rosie, it won't be in vain, it'll be through protecting something that was worth protecting, I died in the place of someone I love"
"That doesn't make me feel any better, it's okay for you to do it, but when I want to do it, it isn't okay" I scoffed, shaking my head
He smiled "It's just the way it works"
I shrugged, my smile vanishing as I was caught in his eyes
"Everything is going to be fine, trust me" He said, his face serious
His confidence made me feel the slightest bit better, but no matter what anyone did, I was still going to be petrified
I tore my gaze away and looked down at my hands in my lap. My engagement ring shined back at me, almost as if it was mocking me, reminding me of what Duke was about to do to do, as well as Callum
"It's beautiful Rosie, I couldn't have picked better myself" Callum noticed my stare
My eyes remained on my ring, toying it with my other fingers
"He's going to take good care of you" He sighed
"Yeah" I mumbled, not really wanting to talk about it
"He makes you happy, I can see it. Happier than I could ever make you and who knows, maybe you're right, maybe one day I will break the rules and fall in love again"He softly spoke, his words paining me more than he knew
My eyes raised up to him and watched how serious his face was
I smiled, reaching a hand out to rest it on his knee
He smiled back and a heavy silence dragged on between us, lingering longer than it should have.