The waves continued to crash against the beach as the tide began to creep in. Seagulls fluttered around looking for one last meal before it was time to turn in. I loved this time of day when night slowly takes over and the sun begins to dip down into the water. There was nothing quite as majestic as watching the sun setting over the massive Pacific Ocean.
My blanket was far enough away from the water that I didn't have to worry about it getting soaked but was still close enough to enjoy the calming sounds of wave after wave cascading up the sand. The sounds of families packing up for the day could be heard in the distance as children giggled and cried. Smiling I watched as one by one the beach emptied. Other than myself, only the diehard surfers remained.
Looking out over the water, peace settled over me. Smiling, I realized how drastically my life had changed. For those who have never felt lost or unsettled in their own body, won't truly grasp the feeling when you finally find true peace and harmony. I finally found the real Harley.
This Harley was a stronger woman for the pain she suffered and I am thankful to come out on the other side. I can now see a future, what that holds I have no idea but one exists. Don't get me wrong, my journey was not easy and not forgotten, just finally laid to rest.
Leaving the compound was one of the hardest things I have ever done. For the first time I realized I was not alone and had a family, not your stereotypical type of family, but a family none the less. Nix was right and I missed everyone terrible, especially Axel. So much that my once a week phone calls with Mac have dwindled as time went on. It hurt to hear how everyone was doing, so I avoided his calls, sending them directly to voicemail. It has been months since I last heard Mac's gruff voice and I missed it...hell I missed him.
And Axel. And it killed me to admit that. No matter how hard I tried I could not get him out of my system. Trust I tried to forget him.
But leaving was a necessity to my wellbeing and I still stand by that. I had a lot of emotions to process and I knew I couldn't do it there. I needed to do this on my own, clean up my past before I could look towards the future. It just took a lot longer than I planned, with a lot more road blocks to get over.
But the real question was why have I stayed away?
Nix was right, once I opened Pandora's Box, my world darkened as memories surfaced. I was safe for the first time in ten years, the pieces started to crumble.
I slept for the first several weeks, then depression set in. After wallowing in self-pity and despair for several months, things got worse...way worse. I hit rock bottom with the help of alcohol. A knight in shining armor saved me from depart and got me the help I needed.
Rehab and therapy.
Are a few months my nightmares faded and my crying stopped. All the pain and pent up feelings I kept locked inside had been released into the world and my soul finally felt...lighter, even free.
It was time that I took control again, promising never to return to this depression again. Leaving the rehab, I packed up and headed out and began to rebuild my life. It was amazing what fresh ocean air can do for the mind, body and soul.
At first I was terrified but then I start d little by little going out and doing something. My days were filled with trying local cuisine, shopping, running on the beach and basically living like a normal person.
for the first time in my life I didn't have to look over my shoulder in constant worry and it was...liberating! I was exhilarated to finally be out of the shadows of the world and to have the freedom to explore anything I wanted to.
But something was always missing. For months I couldn't pinpoint what it was and then one evening as I watched a family play on the beach, the reason slapped me right in face.
I was missing...home, my friends and family...but being my stubborn self I continued to ignore that truth and fought against it. I wasn't ready.
All these months, Nix has still been my rock, even without her presence. Reaching out, giving me the kick in the ass when I needed or just an ear to listen. I valued her friendship but just didn't realize how much until it was gone. Her weekly emails were my lifeline to back home.
Unlike me, she kept in contact with the Renegades, but as to what extent I never knew. I never asked but I did know that she was spending majority of her time with them. I tried to not let it bother me, but for some reason her connection with them began to and I resented that, and her. Our calls grew shorter with more time in between them. Now I was worried that after our disagreement months ago, before I entered rehab, I may have lost the only friend I ever truly had.
"Hey how are things going? Done finding yourself yet?"
"Sarcasm is below you Nix. I am not ready yet so leave me the fuck alone. I am doing the best I can, there is no timeline for this shit."
"But are you truly doing better? It doesn't sound like it. I think it was time you stopped running and come home already."
"And exactly where is that?"
"You damn well know where. He misses..."
"ENOUGH! Dammit Nix leave it alone. When the hell did you switch sides? Fuck you were my friend first. The bastard cheated! He fucking cheated. I refuse to just forget that and sweep it under the rug. A leopard doesn't change his spots."
"But if you would just come home and see..."
"I don't need to see anything. You are as bad as Mac. What he and I had is in the past. He missed his chance."
"Bullshit. You broke his heart just as bad as he broke yours. You changed him. And I know you, you are not over him otherwise you would have come back by now. Instead you live in denial of your feelings. People make mistakes, hell you are making one by staying away. Stop being a coward."
"Fuck you Nix...you don't know the first thing about love. You live all alone in your fortress, behind your computers and you have the gall to harp on my decisions. When are you going to stop hiding? You talk a big game but when it comes to you...you are just as bad."
"I'm working on that...and if you were here then you would know that too. I would have my friend when I needed her, to talk to her. You know in all these months you have yet to ask what was up with me. How I was doing? Do you even give a fuck about anyone but yourself? The world doesn't revolve around poor Harley and your problems. Get your head out of your ass already. Yes, life is hard, filled with pain, but it is so much more than that you are just too blind or stupid to realize what you have waiting for you. You experienced horrible things and I don't discredit that, but so have others and they move on to live happy fulfilled lives. Christ it has been close a year Harley, a fucking year. Eventually you have to stop running."
The call turned ugly after that and we both said some things that we shouldn't have. After that the calls stopped all together.
Nothing from Mac.
Nothing from Nix.
And it sucked! So I drank and drank some more.
It took rehab and a very frank therapist to get me on the right path.
And I stayed on it. I may have finally found the harmony I have always dreamed of achieving but it was nothing without the people you love. Nix was right. Mac was right. I was a coward. I lost what really mattered while I was off finding Harley, as Nix referred to it.
I was so focused on me that I pushed everyone I cared about away. Fuck I am a selfish bitch. And now after experiencing true friendship, being alone fucking sucks. I missed Mac and Nix. I missed the bar and my little place on Main Street. Hell most of all I missed Axel.
Even after the time apart the man still held my heart. No matter how many times I try to argue or ignore it, that feeling I have for him still remains.
Every day it got harder not to pack up and head back to the only place I have ever thought of as home. Then why did I continue to stay away? That was the question that haunted me.
Because I was a coward. I was scared of what I would return to and I wasn't proud of some of the darker times I had drifted to over my journey. Drugs. Alcohol. I got so low,it scared the shit out of me to think about it. It wasn't pretty and I would be dead if I finally didn't seek professional help. A part of me was embarrassed by my actions. How far is pinned out of control.
Looking out over the horizon, I watched as the last bit of sun finally tucked down into the water. The night sky still tinted orange with the last remaining rays of light. Standing up, I shook out my blanket as I packed up for the night. The beach almost deserted, even the surfers have left.
Looking around, standing all alone on an empty beach, the irony was not lost on me. This was the life I had to look forward to if I decided to keep my head in the sand. With one last look over the water, I sighed in defeat.
I was done running.
It was time. Time for me to take that last step. I have overcome so much to get where I was now, but my journey wasn't over. It was time I started a new chapter in my life. This time that chapter included a home, friends, family...and hopefully Axel.
It was time to rediscover what was missing in my life.
I just hoped I was prepared for it.
But there was only one way I was going to find out. I conquered most of my fears and found myself in the process. Now I had one more to overcome...
I just hoped I wasn't too late.
Thank you all for reading! I hope you enjoyed Harley's tale. Book two is now up, Catching Phoenix. Again thanks for voting and all the comments, love hearing your thoughts.