Chapter Thirty-Four
I've changed.
I thought as I did something I would have never done two months ago.
I pushed Evan away.
Well, with one good hand but I did. The look of hurt and shock on his face pained me but I had to do it. I couldn't deal with that, I couldn't deal with him. I was done for the night. No more emotion-related situations, no more dealing with other people's feelings. I had to deal with my own.
Evan pushed through his hurt and tried to approach me once again but I raised my hand, "No."
His face fell. Rejection wasn't something he was used to, at least not coming from me, "I... I'm sorry."
"What are you doing, Evan?" my tone sounded harsher than I intended.
"I was worried and I was just so glad to see you were okay that I..." he looked at me with that intensity that used to get me all nervous and giggly, not this time.
"That you kissed me?" he nodded.
"I was really worried, Jules. You have no idea." His words were sincere, I could see it in the dark pool of his eyes but that didn't make me feel any better. My emotions seemed to be in sort of a trance: frozen and unfelt.
I tried letting out a long breath but failed, "I'm okay."
"Jules, I... tonight, I'm really sorry. You got hurt and it was all my fault. I'd do anything to make it up to you."
"Anything?"
He nodded eagerly, "Anything."
I stared right into his eyes, "Then leave."
His eyes widened, "What?"
"Leave, Evan. Get out." I pronounced each word slowly. I had no idea where all this anger coming from. A sleeping volcano filled with emotions had erupted within me.
"Jules, you are right to be angry at me but why are you deliberately trying to hurt me?" His voice held a hint of sadness I didn't miss.
"Because I want you to leave!" I yelled at him, "This isn't about you for the first time, Evan. This is about me. I want to be alone. I need to be alone. Did you even ask me why my face is red from crying? No, you just burst into this room and kissed me hoping that kiss would make everything okay between us. Well not this time, Evan. I've had enough for the night. I can't deal with this right now. I literally can't." Tears blurred my vision but I fought them back.
Evan's mouth opened and closed a few times. He didn't know what to say, "Alright." His cold facade had come to the surface, straightening his expression, giving his dark eyes that glint of emptiness I knew so well. "As you wish." He turned his back to me and I let the tears fall.
As soon as he walked out of the door, I broke into sobs.
Not for him but for everything. I cried myself to sleep on Christmas night. That was not how I planned my Holidays but once again, life was truly unpredictable.
-
I just wanted a calm, regular New year's eve. I didn't even want a celebration. With everything I had gone through, I wanted things as simple as it could get: Wait until midnight, scream Happy new year and then go to sleep.
Sleep.
There'd been a lot of that the past week.
Anyway, simple wasn't a word that suited my friends. They didn't agree with the way I wanted things and well, I did try to manipulate them with my whole fractured finger speech. To my surprise, it didn't work.
They had invaded my living room. And of course, they didn't arrive empty handed. Oh no, that'd be too simple. Jordan brought enough wine to get us all drunk, passing out, waking up in the morning and getting drunk again. Lau was the food manager (that's how she called herself) she came with bags filled with things to prepare sauces and snacks. Jason was the DJ, bringing all type of CDs with lots of music genres for variety. Shane brought sodas and some weird rum he'd heard about in his college. Helen was in charge of desserts. Her aunt prepared an delicious looking chocolate cake for us.
Speaking of Helen, I never thought she would spend New years eve with us but she was there. I didn't want to ask her about it. It was her choice, not mine. As for Jason and her, it hadn't been uncomfortable so far. Helen had spent most of her time in the kitchen with Lau and Jason was in the living room preparing the music.
Shane had a apologized so many times, I didn't want to hear the word sorry from him in the next 10 years.
It was cold outside. Snow hadn't stopped falling since the afternoon. I sat near the fireplace to keep myself warm but my eyes were on the window and my mind drifting to Nash's words and Evan's hurt expression. I sighed, watching the snow fall slowly, white had stained my front yard.
"Jones." Shane called out, appearing in front of me, blocking the window. He offered me a glass of wine, "You look like you need a drink."
I smiled and take it from him with my good hand, "I don't know what I need anymore."
"Who does?" He sat next to me on the couch.
I took a sip of my wine, "This year has finally come to an end. I can't believe it was only a year. It feels as if it's been more than that. So much has happened."
Shane ran his fingers through his messy hair, "Tell me about it. At the beginning of the year, I was a player in all my glory and by the end of it, I was a whipped man."
I glanced at him but his eyes were not on me, they were on the fire, "You changed for good."
He looked at me, a playful smile dancing on his lips, "Did I?"
"Yes," I replied firmly, "You're a better person now, Shane."
He chuckled, "That's what everyone keeps saying."
I stared back at the window, the falling snow hypnotizing me, "Because it's true."
Silence reigned upon us but it was uncomfortable, it was just silence.
Shane let out a long breath, "Thank you, Jules."
My eyes went back to him in surprise, "What for?"
He shrugged, "Thank you for breaking my heart."
I frowned, "I..."
He grinned at me, "It's thanks to you that I've changed. Once I knew the pain of being heartbroken, of having unrequited feelings, I was able to understand how other people felt. How all those girls I played felt." A nostalgic expression spread through his face, "I didn't even know how it felt to have feelings for someone. I thought that was just bullshit promoted in movies and all that. But I learn the hard way how it felt to have feelings."
In all honesty, I didn't know what to say to that and Shane seemed to notice.
He raised his beer to me, "So, cheers to you for changing me." He wasn't being sarcastic, he meant it.
I lifted my glass of wine and let it clash against his beer, "Cheers."
He grinned at me, showing me those perfect teeth. I noticed how handsome he had grown in this past year. His factions had hardened, making him look older but even more good-looking. He would always be hot Shane, the only thing that had changed was that he wasn't a player anymore.
Jason was at the other side of the living room, focused on the speakers. He tried CD after CD so I knew he couldn't hear us.
Jason had changed, too. But not exactly for good.
He used to be such sweetheart but he had been a jerk to Helen and I had no idea why.
"Do you know the guys Jason has been hanging out with lately?" I asked Shane because I knew he was attending the same college as Jason's new friends.
He nodded, "Yeah, not a good company if you ask me."
"I can tell. He's changed a lot. I mean, not with me but in the way he treats women now."
Shane buried himself in the couch, "He's a good guy but he can be easily influenced. Those college guys are bad guys, Jules and I don't mean it as in players. They are literally bad guys. They're really into alcohol, parties and I dare to say drugs."
That set off the alarms in my brain, "Really?"
Shane noticed my worry, "I'm sure he's not going to get into that. He's a good guy at heart. Unfortunately, he's treating women the same way those guys do."
"I had the feeling they weren't good guys." I hated that I'd been right.
"You should talk to him. I'm sure he'll listen to you." Shane recommended, "He's obviously not going to listen to me. I'm supposedly to be courting his girl." I remembered Shane and Helen faking to be together on Christmas's night.
"Courting?" I raised an eyebrow, "That's a big word for you, Mason."
He smirked at me, "I'm full of surprises."
I laughed a little, "Yeah, yeah. But you're right, I didn't think about that. I guess, you're going to have to pretend tonight as well, please." I pleaded.
"I have no problem with that but we can't pretend forever, you know."
"I know. Just for tonight then. He deserves a little suffering."
"Is she alright?" I knew he referred to Helen.
I pursed my lips, "She's surviving but there's 50 percent chance of things getting way more complicated that a broken heart." I remembered the possibility of Helen being pregnant.
Shane scowled at me, "What do you mean?"
I cleared my throat, "You'll find out soon enough." That was all I could say.
As if hearing us talking, Helen walked in. Her eyes went from Jason, to us and she obviously decided to come to us.
"You started without me." She gestured our drinks.
"I'll get you a glass of wine." Shane stood up.
"Thank you, gentleman." Helen smiled at him as he left.
I grabbed her wrist and pulled her to sit next to me, "What are you doing?"
She seemed confused, "I'm having fun?"
"No, I mean, you can't drink." I stole a quick glance at Jason.
"Why not?"
I felt like slapping her, "You know why. You can't drink if you're..." I gestured her belly.
She opened her mouth in surprise, we were whispering by this point, "Shhh! We don't even know for sure."
"But there's a possibility."
"I'm sure a glass of wine will be fine." She retorted.
"No, I'm not letting you drink."
"Jules, we don't know yet! It's New years eve! I want to drink!"
"I'm not letting you!"
"But Jordan brought my favorite wine." She pouted.
"You can't drink and that's final!" I raised my voice.
"Why not?" Jason asked, standing in front of us.
We hadn't even heard him getting closer to us.
We stared up at him, wide-eyed.
"Why can't she drink?" Jason repeated his question, folding his arms across his chest.
Again, I just wanted a simple New years even but life was never simple for me.