If the outside know your information, check your inside.
It seemed like the theme of the week was to not say what you mean. Instead, say what people want to hear but have an obvious undertone to it.
This was the whole reason why I debriefed myself when anything virtually interesting happened. I had to de-brief myself so I could avoid it ever happening again.
This all started when I didn’t debrief myself last week after I went out with my family.
That’s how this happened.
That was why now Elle was leading me upstairs.
My feet were moving, but my eyes were stuck firmly on Natasha and Richard, kissing.
:::6 Days earlier.
One thing that will forever bamboozle me about my mum was her acting skills.
For the past month my mother had been spouting nothing but hatred about a close family friend. Nothing but pure hatred. It all started when they came over to our house about two months ago. I thought nothing of it, until my mum closed the door when they left and turned to us with a look of pure disgust.
‘’Did you hear what she said about my kitchen?" At this point we all expected her to say something like, it looks like rats come here for holiday, or that she's shocked anyone can like there. Maybe not that extreme, but something greatly offence could only lead to the unnatural face my mother was pulling.
But oh no my friends, all it took was that"She said it was small.’’ That was all it took for my mother to go on a full blown crusade against them. She had been waiting to be invited to their house for the past month, and now that the invitation had finally arrived my mother could not be happier.
I knew she was excited to go to their house so she could smugly tell my aunt that her kitchen was also small. Then we would get into the car, the whole ride home my mother would complain and complain about just about anything.
I had actually spent the day with Natasha strangley. She texted me asking me to come over, I thought something was actually the matter, but to my utter suprise she was just bored.
I didn't mind greatly, both my mum and Natasha annoyed me, it just so happened that today my mum was being extra annoying so going anywhere was better than staying at home.
I got home just as everyone was rushing around.
My dad shot me a look. My mum was on a rampage.
She shouted at me to get dressed. An hour later, me, my two brothers and my father were lined up on the bottom of the stairs ready for her to give use the once over. We were acting as is my mother was a drill sergeant.
She started with my dad. She nodded approvingly, obviously she had dressed him so she saw no problem with her work. Next was my oldest brother. Again she nodded, she liked what she saw. She repeated the same procedure with my youngest older brother, again nodding approvingly. She stopped at me.
She scrtuinized me from the top going down. She smiled, even nodded approvingly when she noted that I had a replaced my usual ruggudy hand made braclets with a nice clean gold watch. Her smile dropped however when she landed on the airmaxes on my feet.
My brothers next to me stifled their laughters when they noticed what my mum had noticed.
"Would it kill you to put some heels on? Or just normal shoes." It probably would.
"They are shoes."
"No they're not. For once look like a girl." I rolled my eyes and stomped upstairs. "Put some make-up whilst you’re up there" I rolled my eyes until I felt that they would roll to the back of my head and stay there. I wish I wasn’t African, I would have told my mother where she can stick her and her heels and make up.
For the rest of the night I was in a foul mood. No one even attemped to speak to me because I wouldn't have had even replied. I knew I would get in trouble later when my mother realised how much ‘attitude’ I had given her, but right now her 5 brain cells were too busy trying to impress someone she didn’t even like. Why did my mum care so much what the people she hated cared about her anyway? I rolled my eyes again. Just thinking about it was making me angry.
It normally took a lot to get me angry, but it was as if my mother knew my kill code. I couldn’t wait to go to University and get away from her.
When we were driving, my oldest brother gave me a look. He tried to smile at me, I turned my volume up.
My brothers weren't overportective, mainly because they were too caught up in their own dramas, and partly because I was a tomboy, so they never had a really had a reason to protect me. My mum often complained that she had given birth to 3 boys, not 2. I couldn't help that I didn't enjoy dressing up.
Don't get me wrong, I do like looking nice and dressing up every so often, I just don't see the need for me to make an effort when all I was going was to someones house.
My appearance wasn't exactly at the top of my to-do list.
As I had predicted, my mum made an absolute fuss all the way home. I had my volume of loud, again. But from the amount of times her mouth moved and my brothers facial expression I could already guess what she was saying.
::: 4 DAYS – TUESDAY.
Tuesday.
To you and me, just a simple tuesday.
The second day of the week even. Just a nice normal, nearly, but not so close to the weekend, Tuesday.
However, in for my college, Tuesday was football day.
Every Tuesday was football training, or a football match.
If it was football training it was after college, it if was a football match against another college, it would be at lunchtime.
Most people finished college at 3pm on Tuesday as it was the day that most of the clubs were held. However, because of the subjects I had picked I finished at 4pm every day except for Fridays. I was fine with that.
The male "populars" as Natasha refered to, or "dream team" as I had heard they refered to themselves are, all played football. I expected that, and I was fine with that.
What I was not fine with however, was the day that they had matches.
They played matches on the football picth on Tuesday lunchtimes. You wouldn't be wrong in mistaking them as an offical football team.
That's how the girls acted, as if they were our very own Barcelona. The girls on match days would come to college suited and booted in my college colours, gold and black. Gold leggings and a leather jacket were the uniform of choice.
You knew they didn't understand the simple game of football, because when the other team scored, one or two of them would still cheer.
They looked and sounded like rebore cheerleaders.
Since I had been here there had only been 2 football macthes with the college a few miles from my own. My college had won once and lost once. The first match since I had been here they lost. For the rest of that day the school was in mourning. I knew that their pride had been ripped out and spat on by the other college.
By the next match Natasha had informed me that my college and Saint Andrew, or Saints for short, did not only battle each-other on the football pitch.
Parties, girls, boys, cars, anything that could be remotely competitive, they competed. Natasha said that with the boys it was something more like friendly banter, but with the girls? They were violent and it could get real nasty real fast. Natasha said that if you even gave a girl fromt Saints the wrong look she wouldn't hesitate to attack you.
I wasn't sure to what extnet I belived her statement, I knew she would be completely biased, and I also knew that a lot of girls didn't like Natasha, they were just looking for any reason to start a problem, but, I did also know that Natasha had had intercations with these girls, and I did know how aimlessy nasty girls could be. I heard it all the time.
Whilst my school watched with baited breath the football match, I sat on the toilet still angry at my mother, planning my revenge. You would think that she knew me by now. I didn’t like heels, and I didn’t see me liking them for years to come. Most parents, (like my Dad) would be happy that I didn’t like dressing up make-up, because that probably meant that I stayed away from boys, but did my mother get that? NO.
The bell went just as I huffed. I flushed the toilet like I always did and opened the door.
My heart literally dropped out of my chest. I knew I said it a lot, but my heart, had never dropped do low before. My heart could feel the pricks of heat from hell.
"This is the girls toilets?" I spluttered.
"I know." He turned me washing his hands. He disappeared for a second in a cubicle and came back out drying his hands with tissue.
So why are you here? Countless scenarios ran through my mind, they all started with me asking him that, and ended with me either bleeding on the floor dead, or a segement on crime watch looking for the 6ft Adonis that had left a hopless girl dead.
I think I was more shocked that he didn’t go to my college that the fact that he was in the toilet. He was one of the shooters from the Saints.
"Boys toilets are dirty."
So you just casually go into girls toilets instead?
"Its perfectly legal." I just nodded slowly. Now I was wondering how long had he been in here? Did he notice that I didn't come, I just left a toilet cucbicle? "I checked."
I nodded.
As I washed my hands he leaned against the sinks and watched me.
Again countless scenarios ran through my mind, starting with him asking why I was in the toilet for so long and ending in social embarrassment or the end of my social life.
Well I didn't really have a social life, maybe the dead body of my social life being cremated and Lydia using the ashes to cream her perfectly olive skin.
He opened the main door. I stumbled awkwardley behind him thinking that he would walk out but instead he stopped and turned around."Ladies first." I looked up him and nodded as a thank you then walked out.
The devil flexed his muscles, at the same time me and him were innocently (and I do really mean innocently) exiting the toilet, Lydia walked past.
Lydia walked past.
The full implications of Lydia walking past and winking at me didn't hit me until the next day.
::: 3 DAYS. WEDNESDAY.
We were sitting in Art, in a very comofrtable silence. I had completly forgotten about the guy that walked into the toilet, I tried not to waste brain space on things like that. I'll admit that I did think about him for the rest of the day yesterday, but today, Wednesday, I was thinking about how the hell I was going to pass my chemistry test.
"I didn't have you down as one of those girls Satiah." She stated. The bleak undertone to her seemignly innocent question was only visible to me. The same way that she was evil, was only visible to me.
"What do you mean?" I can now chuckle at how blind I was. If only I had seen that how she would warp what had happened the day before into something it wasn't.
"You know." She giggled innocently. This had now caught Richards attention. He looked up, with an almost uneasy smile, moving his eyes from Lydia to me.
At this point I was still confused.
"You and Levi." She winked again. It was that wink, the same she gave me when I left the toilet yesterday that jogged my memory.
My face turned hot and I found it hard to hold eye contact. By now Ellie was looking. She didn't like Lydia but I could see her watching her waiting for her to expand.
I didn't even try to explain. I was scared that they wouldn't understand, or even belive me. Then they'd think I was a liar and never believe anything I say again. They'd think I was trying to feign innocence.
If I saw Natasha, or any girl for that matter leave a girls bathroom with a boy, no matter how they behaved before, I would assume and believe that they did the dirt or close to the dirty.
I should have trieed to explain, because I knew that not replying was worse than admitting or denying. It left room for people to fill in their own gaps or expectations.
What was probably one of the most awkward conversations of my life, turned yesterday, turned into, I don’t know – sex? in Richards head, all because of Lyida and her 2 simple sentences.
I returned to my work avoiding eye contact. I was stuck on the task we had to do but I didn't dare even look up to ask them for help, or my teacher. There was never any other moment that I wanted the Earth to swallow me whole more than that moment.
When I got home, instead of de-breifing myself (which I should have done) and making personal notes on how to stop something like that happening again, I engulfed myself in chemitry and biology revision.
I knew they were just class test, but they were the first class test.
These results would form the unspoken intelligance hierachy in the lessons. You would know who to approach for help, who didn't work when they were supposed to. Your oppents would be picked and swords would be drawn.
:::2 DAYS, THURSDAY
It was rather quiet at lunch today. I was sitting down watching the view. The building work had now moved onto another part of the school so I was free to watch everyone interact at lunch from the comofrt of this toilet.
Watching them was like watching an ant farm. It was intresting. I would look at them, going to buy food, or the girls looking over at a boy and giggling, or looking at a girl and laughing.
Everything seemed to diffrent from up here, you could see everyone, but no one could see you. Of course for me, its always been like that, but now, sitting so high, I felt like I could play God.
Someone got my attention, they were on top of the ant hill, I mean, the school hill. They touched hands with all the boys before sitting down next to Richard. I tutted when I realised who it was that I had been staring at all this time, Jason. Richard said something to him, Jason, in turn looked shocked. Maybe he told him about some game fixtures, nothing remotley intresting had happened this week.
Except for the football match, but Jason was there, he played so why would he be shocked.
Like a lion in wait, it attacked me. Richard had probably told Jason what Lydia had said. Imagine what he-
The toilet door burst open taking with it my heart. I heart a scuffle, I thought it was a two girls fighting until I had a soft, but low moan. Too low to be a girls.
I prayed, I prayed so hard that what I thought was going to happen, wasn't going to happen.
"Lock the door." The male voice commanded. I tried to put a name to the voice, but I had never heard it before. I heard the recongiable, 'cack' of the main door closing and locking. The toilet cubicle next to me banged open.
I prayed again, harder, this time including not only including my God but others.
I heard zippers go down. I looked down to the floor, the girls long skirt had fallen to the floor just about covering her air maxes.
Typical, I tutted. Next to her feet were also a pair of air maxes. Once again, typical.
"Did you hear that?" He girl asked. I covered my hands over my mouth. I had made a noise outloud!
Before she could expand I heard her gut renching moan.
I swear, I prayed to Shiva, I prayed to Jesus, I prayed to Buddha, I even prayed to the scientologist. I was Muslim for a couple of seconds.
But nothing came of it, for the next couple of mintues, a series of door banging, cubicle shaking, ground-breaking moaning was taking place right next to me. I looked out on the coloy, they were to unaware that I was basically taking part in a porno.
When they left after what felt like an eternity, I smelt sex for the first time in life. The toilet, which was normally breezy as a window was always open, was stuffy and smelt sweaty and dirty.
And I felt dirty, I felt like I was the one who had taken part in that act.
*
When the bell went for the last lesson I kept my eyes on the ground. I had to a put a face to the girl in the toilets. The boy was too hard, nearly all the boys were wearing a grey tracksuit and air maxes as it was "tracksuit Thursdays" (don’t even get me started).
I looked for a stripped skirt, no tights and black and white air maxes. It was harder than you would think, trying to make sure I don’t bump into anyone whilst looking at everyone’s shoes, all without looking weird.
I found her feet though. And when I walked past and heard her talk, I found her voice.
Natasha.
I blocked out the porno that had occurred next door to me, and the fact that Natasha was the one who was inn it until I decided what to do. I didn’t want boy to think that she was easy, but she was acting easy?
I huffed and sat on ym bed. Think of something else Satiah, anything.
Richard.
Richard was unoffically not talking to me.
I say unoffically because I wasn't sure if it was just me over thinking everything. We talked before, but we didn't exactly talk-talk, but we didn't not talk either.
After the art lesson he had tried to probe me more on this Levi matter, it was friendly (but it had a judging undertone).
I stupidly gave him an ambigous answer. And by that I just laughed. I only laughed because I couldn't fathom the words, and the words I could fathom I didn't trust. He didn't smile or laugh back at me though. He simply nodded and went of in his own direction.
Jason was being 50% less annoying, which just added to the theory that Richard had told him whatever he thought of the Lydia – ‘’Levi’’ situation.
I wasn't angry at the time. It was when I was on my way home on the bus that I started thinking about. I started over thinking and analysing it to a point where I was angry at him. Even if he had just known me for just under a month, he would know enough that I wasn't that type of person.
He texted me that Wednesday night asking what the art homework was. I didn't reply to it on purpose. The next day, which was today, he saw me, and I saw him, but he looked past me.
The swords were drawn.
:::1 DAY. FRIDAY
Maybe I just had a dirty mind. I needed to pour detol all over my thoughts.
It seemed to me that everything Ellie said had a slight sexual undertone. She could simply say she liked the colour red, and it would sould like a sexual innuendo.
It wasn't even the content of her sentences, it was the context. It was the way she said it.
As I usually did in my art lessons, I stared at her, trying not to get caught. It was okay when we were all talking, because it was polite to look at someone when you were talking. But now that Richard was being childish, Ellie must have sensed that we weren’t speaking and kept quiet. So I had to resort to what I did when I first started, catching a look at her when she wasn’t looking.
Her blood red lipstick and black liquid eyeline all clashed with her slightly bronzed yet pale skin, making her appear reminiscing of a 50's pin up girl. Her talons added to her vixen denimar. They were laced with a diffrent and new design each week.
Ellie obviously couldn’t handle the silence and started conversations, I was slightly grateful.
We were talking about the music she wanted to be played. By we, I mean me and her. Richard would add in every few seconds but it would never be about a comment I made.
That again backed up what I thought. He was ignoring me. I had a suspsion that Lydia probably dripped more venom in his ears when I wasn't around.
That break time, Ellie was in my thoughts.
I was so ashamed of myself and I didn't even know why.
When I walked out of toilet, I just felt eveyones eyes on me, I felt as if everyone could hear each of my thoughts. The could see each fantasy that I had just let my imagination explore. Anytime anyone made eye contact with me I would immideatley look down or away from them.
It was crazy, because I knew that no one could read my mind, but I knew that people could read my face.
*
"Morning Cleo." Jason yawned dropping his large gym bag on the floor. I nodded as a hello. It was just after break and he was STILL yawning. I tutted (inwardly, I learnt my lessons about making noises out loud)
What next went through my mind again, was is Richard had discussed with him what happened in Art.
The same way that Natasha told me things, Richard probably told his friends things. One of his friends being Jason. And if they knew, then the second year girls knew. I could just imagine what Lydia insinuated happened with this ‘’Levi’’ guy, would right now be dripping down to everyone in college.
Jason probably thought I was some two-bit whore. I rolled my eyes. Why did I even care what Jason thought.
"You ready for this text next week?" I nodded although I was lying. If I shook my head it would only lead to more conversation, which was the last thing that I wanted with him.
"I'm fried." I nodded taking taking down the date and title. Jason was fishing for conversation, but this well was dried up. "What is it gonna take for you to help me revise." I leaned away from him as he leaned in.
"I'll buy you lunch."
"I can buy it myself."
"Yeah, but nothing tastes as good as free food."
"Bye Jason."
"Hi Cleopatra." I don't think that my eyes could roll anymore. I think my eyes, we actually tired.
For the rest of the biology lesson Jason terrorized me. Literally. He was acting childish. I'd be writing my name on a piece of paper, he's nudge me so I'd scribble. I'd be leaning on my hand and hed push it down so my face nearly hit the table. He was so lucky I didn't belive in violence, because if I could, oh if I could, Jason would be knee deep in his own blood.
It got to a point where I just agreed. I felt relief for the rest of the lesson when I was able to do my work without being distrubed, but as soon as the bell went I regretted it. We agreed to meet up after lunch, as we both had frees.
*
I took my books out my bag and laid them on the table in one of the study rooms. I had just started tapping my pen in a rythmic beat when Jason walked in. As usual he had his colgate smile plastereed on his face. I hated Jason, but one thing that I could never deny, was that Jason had one of the best smiles I had ever seen. No wonder he was always smiling.
"Did you have braces?" I quiered when he took a seat. He shook his head. He took out a mixture of food and books. "My mums a dentist. We all have really good teeth." I tutted (inwardly). Why did he automatically assume that I thought he had nice teeth. Just for that, I witheld my comment on how nice his teeth were.
We got started in the work. Once we started I was slightly happy that I did come here. There were things that I didn't fully understand that Jason understood and vicer versa.
"What?" I caught him looking at me. He just shook his head and smiled.
"Nothing." I ignored it and contiued explaining what was going on.
The bell went indicating that the last lesson as over. Jason started to pack up, so I guess he had something to do.
‘’You wanna grab lunch now?’’ I shook my head. My belly made a loud noise betraying me.
‘’I’ having a family dinner later.’’ I lied. He nodded believing me though. He opened the door and let me leave first.
‘’I have football training.’’ He said as we walked out of the building. I nodded.
"Fun." It sounded more sarcastic than I had hoped. This was why I didn’t like speaking to people I wasn’t comfortable with, I sounded really patronizing when I didn’t mean to be.
‘’Whens the next football match?’’ I asked, hoping that I sounded interested in what he had to say.
‘’Next week.’’ I nodded. ‘’You excited to see Levi?’’ He nudged. A simple nudge, but I was fragile so I nearly toppled over.
‘’It’s not whatever you’ve heard.’’ Jason nodded.
‘’Did Richard say that me and Levi had sex or something?’’ I quizzed. I didn’t want to seem weak, but it was eating me up inside. I needed to know what was being said.
Jason shook his head, but I think he was lying.
‘’We just happened to be leaving the same toilet, at the same time.’’ Jason seemed deep in thought. I didn’t think he was going to reply, until he spoke.
"Yeah, Richard mention something about that." I had butterflies and my heart was beating quickly, all at the same time. This was how I knew I wasn’t built for the social life.
"I believe you." He smiled genuinely. ‘’you're not that type of girl.’’ I nodded. At least he believed me, I think.
‘’I’ll see you at Ellies yeah.’’ He surprised with a hug. I surprised myself by hugging him back.
I was surprised with myself even more for not being angry at Jason, after all, he had just wasted my first hug from a boy.
He walked to the left towards his friends, Richard and that gang, and I carried on walking down the hill.
Next upload if Ellie’s party.
Who do we like guys?