Fear is a funny thing.
It's one of the body's most natural emotions, after all. We fear death. We fear life. We fear love. We fear loneliness. Sometimes, we fear spiders or rulers or specifically shaped peanuts. Sometimes, our fear is so great that it develops into a phobia; an all-consuming and let petrifying state in which you cannot bear to be around what terrifies you.
What do I fear?
I fear change.
But how does one fear change, you wonder, when they've never had a stable life?
I've never had a place to call home. From what I remember, most of my memories include the familiar zipping and opening of a suitcase. Rwanda to Hong Kong to Athens to Rome. Place after place, relationship after relationship. The lack of stability begins to throw you off and you learn that it's better to blend and be quiet. Silence won't let you get attached. Silence won't let you hurt.
They didn't cuff me.
There wasn't a hint of restraint on my body as I trotted lifelessly down the hallowed halls of the foriegn Whammy's House. The stillness of the building was unquestionable. Nothing filled the stale, crisp air but the sound of freshly shines heels clacking on the tiled floor. Extraordinarily quiet, wolves were. Still, I could hear it. The soft screams of a past torture; the cries of wolves across the years breaking the silence of my near addled mind.
Do I want to be a wolf?
Do I really? I have long accepted the Pack as slowly becoming a new home for me, but that was when I was human. Did I really have it in me to become like that? Half animal? Half..monster? I had never met a werewolf who had been forcibly turned--only those born with the werewolf gene. Did I truly have the strength to survive this?
And--most likely--I didn't? Am I prepared to die? Knowing that I would become another unfortunate soul who never got the chance to make his mark on the world, to have an impact or even to live? Knowing that I was not gifted the chance to experience and survive through all life's ups and downs, its tragedies and triumphs. Am I prepared to die knowing that I will leave behind a woman who will blame herself for my death? And who, due to my passing, would fade away in a cloud of despair and self hatred?
The strange black liquid was rearing its ugly head one more. It apparently wasn't a paralyzing agent but some sort of drug that aided the Trail. Apparently, it also fucked up your emotions. My heart beat wildly in my chest as tears began to gather in the corner of my eyes.
A soft hum began to escape the bald man's lips next to me. "Wolfy, wolfy, wolfy, wolf," he chimed, surprisingly in key. "Someone's gonna be a wolfy today?" I let out a sharp breath. He takes his manicured finger and points at my chest. "That's somebody's gonna be Marci, Marci, Marci, Marcus!"
A peal of laughter escapes his narrow chest. "I love singing, it just takes the edge off you. Don't you agree?"
I say nothing as he leads me towards a large grey door. My heartbeat quickens and my breathing grows labored.
"I'm going to be a good little boy," Stamos retorted suddenly. "And give you a choice."
"Either I tell you what you're about to face in the Trail and you go in a little prepared.."
I raise my eyebrows in anticipation. "Or?"
"Or, you decide to tell me to fuck off and you go in blind. Make a choice. You've got three seconds."
"What's gonna happen?" I inquire immediately, leaving no room for thought. I notice that my voice is bleak and soulless, devoid of any cracks of anger or fear. He smiles a dark, sardonic grin and I shiver involuntarily, the chill of the building finally hitting me.
"Oh nothing too horrible. First, you will be injected with a certain amount of chemical substances that will distort your genealogy. Most of your organs will be forcibly switched off so the poison can take its full effect. That is what sets of the wolf gene."
A ball of saliva slides down my damp throat. "Then, you'll be tested. I like to call it the five sense figuring. There'll be a series of examinations you'll be put through to test your senses and to confirm that the chemicals have been accepted by your system. If you pass.."
His beady eyes focus on my teary ones and he smiles once again. Horror grips my chest and I let out a strangled, anxious breath.
"Then every single bone in your body will be shattered to pieces. You will become nothing more than a ghost in a shell, a soulless sack of barely functioning organs. And this is where the real test comes. If you did pass the first two examinations and you are a wolf, you will shift. Thus regaining your bone structure and your former physical body. Then you'll be a beautiful, beautiful wolf."
Without warning, he opens the door and shoves me inside. I descend ungracefully, my injured leg grazing the jagged earth of the gravel floor. "Now, it's showtime. Don't disappoint me!"
On that note he shuts the door, and leaves me in hell.
The fear sits quietly, eroding the person I was born to be. What starts as a contortion of my stomach becomes a feeling of being smothered by an invisible hand. My breathing becomes erratic, deep, then shallow. I fight it. I fight the feeling as my body writhes to be free or shut down entirely. Each time this happens, part of me weakens.
All is quiet. All is still. The utter lack of anything doesn't soothe me one bit; in fact it serves to heighten my already prominent anxiety. My breath comes out in short, sharp wheezes and I use of shaking hand to caress my throbbing leg. I want to cry. I want to scream, I want to shout, I want to run but I do nothing but sit as I am filled with the bitter realization that there is no way out of this.
In the murky puddle that caressed the ugly ground, I glanced at my reflection. I has a look in my eye I've seen before, but not on myself, or on a person for that matter. It's the look I've seen in the horse's' eyes when they come in for schooling at the ranch, wild, not even knowing what people are. It doesn't belong on my face and it frightens me to death.
Before I can take another breath, I feel something clamp down on my leg. It is sharp and jagged and I let out a blood-curling scream as the metal nails sink into my skin. The unfortunately frequent flow of drugs slid up my legs and began to make my thighs tingle. What..?
Another syringe pierces me--this time on my naked arm. I let out a short squeal as the sting of the needles flows through me. My vision grows hazy as more chemicals clog up my system. My muscles grew rigid in an instant, my breath shallow and sweat beginning to form on my quivering top lip. Tears slowly run down my dirtied face.
My organs began to fail. Bile began to leak out of my slack mouth as I felt a sting in my liver area. My heartbeat began to slow down as my breathing became heavier and more difficult. The blood that pumped so quickly through my form began to slow down as I slumped to the graveled earth, feeling like half a human being.
A third syringe graces my body. Then a fourth. Then a fifth. I stop counting when the feeling of pricks and pain began to merge into one searing entity and my consciousness began to slip from my fingers.
My eyes closed in searing pain.
After what seemed like four hours later, I arose. My entire body was sore; like I had spent a grueling day working away at the gym, with only the thoughts of fitness clouding my brain. The floor was dewy and soft under me, and I looked down to meet the pillowy embrace of morning grass.
I was in a field?
Looking up properly, my suspicions were confirmed. I seemed to be laying in some sort of garden or forest. How did I get here? The similar silence of the first test held be back from getting up? What if something happens when I move? And even if I did, where would I go too? I had absolutely no idea where I was. The entire place from what I could see was covered in thick trees and bushes. The trees stretches so high that I couldn't even see the sky, nothing but small cracks of sunlight beating down on the looming forest.
As I stared into the dense bushlands, I hear the snap of a branch being snapped from a tree. The sudden sound hit my ears with in a flash, making me flinch at the noise. Just get up, I prodded myself. You can't lay down here for ever. Swallowing my fears, I slowly got up from the damp ground, trying to ignore the pain I felt from every inch of my abused body.
The ground was uncomfortable under my feet. The muddy floor was as hard as rock from weeks without water while sticks, stones and leaves seemed to litter every surface. It tricked me, making me assume that the floor was flat till my aching feet placed themselves there and felt the sharp unevenness of the dishonest ground pinch at the leather. I swallowed the cry of pain lodged in my dry throat and began to walk towards an unseen destination.
I'm not dead yet. Does that mean I've passed the test? I rack my brain, trying to remember the General's exact words. He said that'll I'll pass when I've finished the second test, which hasn't even started yet..
Anxiety grips my heart. My eyes squeeze shut as I take slow, deep breaths. Calm down, I willed myself. Calm down.
One sufficiently calmed, I opened my eyes again. A gasp of utter shock escaped my lips.
What the actual fuck?
If I hadn't seen this place before, I would never had known that it was a thick, forest clearing, concealed by thick bushlands and webbed vines. I would have never known that the ground was decorated in a healthy smatter of green, dewy grass. For what was in front of me was the complete opposite.
The forest floor was covered, tainted in a thick, crimson coat. Every inch of it was engulfed in sticky, fresh blood. The metallic scent of blood attacked my senses and caused me to stagger back, pinching my nose in disgust. It blanketed the scene like some sort of haunting ghost, covering the bushes, the leaves , the twigs. All I saw was red. The angry tint glared in my vision as the blood began to seep into my sandals and wet my filthy toes.
The previous sunbeams, swallowed by the earth had left no trace of its previous presence as I slumped against a tree, revelling in the silence that enveloped my surroundings in a cloying hold. My head was throbbing and my mind was spinning. The blood on the floor began to change shade; the horrible red turned to an electric blue, then an eclectic green to a pale yellow.
Was I going crazy?
My eyelids began to flutter as a figure appeared out of nowhere. It seemed to be running after me. On closer inspections, it looked like a wolf. Trepidation filled my core as I backed up into the tree. As his bony paw reaches out for me, I can hear 'him laugh, a cruel, cold cackle that froze me in my spot and drained all hope, dreams and feeling from within me, replacing them with a feeling of despair, hopelessness and most of all, fear.
It's claws cut through my body and wrapped around my brain. It choked the breath from my lungs and left my body dry heaving, desperately trying to rid me of all this. Black mist swirled at the edges of my mind, drawing me into it's open arms and salty tears spilled over onto my cheeks leaving a tight, dry feeling. The monster's paw wrapped around my body and I screamed.
Only I didn't.
I strained my vocal chords but not a sound came out. Still I screamed, hoping someone would hear. I screamed and screamed and screamed. The figure grew closer as my vision became hazier and hazier.
Darkness engulfed me once more.
My eyes open again and this time I seem to be in a dark, empty room. Nothing is here but one solitary swinging light, the creaks echoing threateningly. A window covered by a thin curtain is on my right. It seems to be nighttime. At this point, I was utterly terrified and it showed. I couldn't see myself but I'm sure that I looked inhuman, my skin completely paled and my body stained and shivering.
Have I passed? I got through the second round, have I passed?
My thoughts grow more frantic as I slowly realize that this is where the real pain starts. His harsh, sadistic words echoed in my terror-stricken mind: "Then every single bone in your body will be shattered to pieces. You will become nothing more than a ghost in a shell, a soulless sack of barely functioning organs. And this is where the real test comes."
All my life I had feared death, suppressed dealing with the notion, never ready to depart. Always for me there would be tomorrow and the day after. Not today. Today, I learnt that time was no longer her casual acquaintance, but leading me steadily onward whether my feet wanted to follow or not.
I feel something clamp down my ankles but I do not react. I already knew what was going to happen next.
My legs are the first target.
As quick as a flash of lightning, my legs were attacked in a sickening crunch. Pain shoots up the muscle instantly as the snap of a bone sounds in my ears. Another hit has me sinking to the floor, my wails of agony filling every corner of the unknown room.
I can barely move. Every muscle has seized up. My body is struggling to recover, to repair the damage. Unable to move with any grace my movements are jerky. I drag myself into the light that flows water-like through the swinging bulb and strip off my topmost layer. On each arm there are great purple welts that will only deepen over the coming week. Against my ghostly skin they are grotesque, an ugliness that my human form could never fade.
I have never wished for death more than I have at this moment. I wanted Death to hold me with its cold caress; a face I was taught to despise, hate, and fear to bring me comfort. I wouldn't fear him. He causes no pain, beyond what life provides. He is not greedy, he is not rude, or rough. He will merely carry me, my burning soul to a cool rest, where I will lay benumbed of the greed, rudeness, and hatred of the living world.
However, wishes don't come true. As the unseen force strikes my back and I feel my spine crack, I realize that I wasn't going to die. I was going to survive this. I was going to become a wolf--eventually I would shift back and spent the rest of my days haunted by every second I have spent in this place.
As every bone in my body was forcibly desecrated, I felt wilder. Like something darker, more feral began to rot at my soul, chipping away at what humanity I had left. Something was taking over me and turning me into something else. Into a werewolf.
One minute my bruised eyes stared up at the obsidian ceiling, the next I felt my limbs go numb as they morphed and reformed into something new. My body twisted and turned till the bruised and scarred skin that once covered me began to sprout wild hairs as my aching teeth began to elongate and curve. And in all destruction and terrible beauty, a single howl electrified the stale air.
A wolf was born tonight.
a/n
this was so hard to write oh my god
-oh an updates might be slower than usual because finals are approaching (ugh)