Falling a bit behind the pair, I walked down the long corridor, a little blue. Isabelle and Thomas were on the room, being lovey dovey and cutesy. It made me sick. Why? Well, I love him. I really do.
What could be worse than the agonizing torture of love?
Sam was so right in that movie. Little Thomas didn't understand the amazing things he was saying as Sam. Love really was agonizing. Love Actually captured the pain and struggle and chaos... absolutely. Perfectly. The way he brushed her hair behind her ear. The way she light up and laughed at his jokes. The way they had everything that I so craved. The way SHE had everything I so yearned for. Seeing it but not having it made me burn and ache. Unable to hide my agony, I stayed far behind them, falling further and further back. Thomas shot me a distracted look every once in a while to make sure I was still following, but he probably figured I was giving them space to be a couple. Which I was. But not in the wingman 'go get em' Thomas!' kind of way he thought.
When I was far enough back to be considered a separate party from the glowing couple, I was distracted from watching them (and otherwise trying NOT to watch them) when someone tapped me on the shoulders. I looked up, humming a response. I didn't know the girl. She was a brunette with blue eyes and porcelain skin. She glowered at me.
Unsure what her problem was, I was instantly shy. "H-hello," I greeted, pausing.
Her face contorted further. "Hi," she spat back.
"Who are you?" I asked. Why had she stopped me? To glare? In my line of sight, so that I would know she hated me? What had I done to her?
This question seemed to fuel her more. She crossed her arms, popping a hip. "Doesn't matter," She seethed, making me flinch. "The question is who are YOU?"
Hesitant, I went to answer the question. My mistake. "Y/n-"
She stepped forward, shoving her finger in my chest to enunciate the first word. "You are a nobody." I stumbled back, shocked and overwhelmed at her attack right when I was most vulnerable, watching the man I loved be with another girl. She sneered, "What? You think you can crush their happiness because you're his friend?" She scoffed, rolling her eyes.
Confusion totally hit me and I relaxed a bit. No way she meant me. "I'm sorry I think you have me confused with someone else," I told her, turning away.
"Thomas and Isabelle are perfect! They don't need you ruining them from the inside!" She continued, making sure I knew she knew who I was.
Turning back to her, I took on some attitude of my own. "Um. I'm not ruining anyone from the inside," I said, getting defensive.
The girl rolled her eyes again, acting as if I was the one being accusatory and demanding and rude. "You're in love with him and you're not doing anything?" She rhetorically demanded, mocking me. "All of a sudden you're everywhere with him, laughing and talking. Taking him away for her. Pictures everywhere. Posts about him. People ship you two. Does that make you happy? Leave him alone!"
My pride flared. I was many things but after so long of suffering in silence and letting my best friend be happy despite my misery, I would NOT tolerate this. "Excuse me, but Thomas is his own person! I cannot make him do anything."
We were close again. Probably pulling eyes but I didn't care. I wasn't standing for this. All my emotions fired and boiled over and all I could see was red. "You can poison him! Pin him against her!" She spat accusingly.
"I'm not!"
"Yes you are!" She screamed.
"Hey hey! What's going on here?" It was Thomas, running up. My anger melted away instantly and I moved to his side, breathing deeply and reigning in my emotions, putting Thomas between us and hiding from the accuser. I felt the girl's eyes on me and I looked away. Was this considered a romantic thing? Was I tempting him? No way.
Swallowing hard, I resisted the urge to tell him everything and have him come to my rescue and fix everything like he always did. He was the cool headed one. The peace maker. He could smooth this over... But no. Stepping out from behind him, I faced the girl with squared shoulders. We stared at each other a long time, the challenge between us for dominance raging desperately. Thomas looked between us, unsure. She was smirking and fiery and determined and when I saw something flicker in her eyes... Maybe there was some truth. The way I tried to pull him alone, out of discomfort of being the third wheel. Pulling him away from her nonetheless though. The platonic flirting and jokes and touches I did subconsciously. Was that bad too? The nicknames. The teases. The avoiding any talk or thought about his girlfriend. Acting as if he didn't have one. Pretending he was single.
My stomach sunk and I blinked. She stood taller. She'd won. "Nothing," I replied, my voice breaking.
Looking away and feeling sick, I tried to find something to ground me. There was nothing in sight. I was marooned in a judgmental world that was pulling at my morality and conscious with nowhere safe to turn. It was suffocating. "Please leave," Thomas more told than asked the girl sternly.
She sauntered off, success and pride dropping off of her in such strong aromas that I could feel and see and smell it without even looking over. I groaned and began walking off. "Y/n?" He called. "Y/n!"
"Don't go after her. You have a girlfriend," the girl sneered. She must not have left completely yet...
Emotion hit me and I didn't hear his response, too busy running, covering my ears. I busted through the doors of the building on the other side of the park we'd been in and slipped into an empty room. I started crying there, holding my face and hoping he wouldn't hear me.
Who was I kidding? He wouldn't chase after me... And yet - "Y/n?" He called. He was in the hall so I stifled my sobs and stood really still. "Y/n, I know you're in here. In one of these rooms. Come out?" Silence. I heard a shuffle and realized he was sitting on the ground, leaning against a door. "Then I'll wait."
After a second, I sighed moved to the door, knocking. He moved before knocking back. I knocked twice. He knocked three times. It pulled a smile to my face and I was ashamed of myself all over again. "Get in here you dork," I croaked, moving away from the door. He silently opened the door and I went to a table top and turned away, my back facing him, sitting on top. He stayed in the door way for a second, but then closed the door and slowly came up to me. "You can't be here. Isabelle will miss you," I said, pain burning my voice like I'd swallowed lava and was puking it back up now.
He paused a second. "Isabelle will be fine," he finalized. "My best friend needs me right now."
I winced both at the way he reached for me, his hand on my back to rub little patterns in the way he always knew would make me feel bette. But also at what he'd said. "Best friend," I repeated. I rubbed my forehead, sighing. "That's me."
Dropping his hand, he moved around to the front of me. I kept my head down, my hair blocking my face. "Yeah," he drawled, starting it as more a question. "...Right?"
Not looking up, I nodded. "Of course. That's- yeah."
A long silence hit again. He sat on the table across from me, our knees touching. "What's the matter?" He asked softly as I turned away again. I didn't want our knees to touch. I didn't want to look at him. I didn't want him here. I didn't want him with her either though. "You know you can tell me," e reminded softly.
This hit me hard and I spun around, looking at him straight in the face. "I'm tired of lying to you, Tommy." I tensed, forcing it out before I could think any better of it. "I love you." I was on my feet now, my hands balled into fists as my side.
He smiled, but was still confused. "I-"
My hands went up to shush him, my face stern. "No. I'm in love with you," I corrected.
Thomas paused, letting that sink in and process. "Oh."
Wincing again at his reaction, I stepped away. The way his face fell and his shoulders sagged and the room filled with an awkwardness tension that squeezed the life and will out of the easiness that had been between us only seconds before. "I just... I know, okay? This is a horrible time and it's super cliché, but damn it - I love you."
Looking first at his hands and then around us at the room and the finally at me, she seemed to be searching for a response or answer. His eyes only found mine again when he came up empty, his face twisted in a hopeless expression. "You're my best friend," he told me weakly.
My body still tense, I nodded slowly. "I am. And I always will be," I added, in a rush for that part. "Nothing will come between that! But..." Ny eyes watered. "Seeing you with her." My voice broke. "Third wheeling. Seeing her have everything I want. Seeing her love you every way I yearn to be able to. I can't do it anymore. I need... space. I need... I need... I just need time."
His eyes were wide with shock and fear and hesitation. He was painfully unsure, hurting for me as I hurt but also being completely unable to even start fixing any of it. This was up to me. He couldn't save the day this time. "O-okay..." A silence fell between us and I looked away. "I'm sorry, Y/n. I don't-"
"I know," I interrupted quietly. My boys relaxed and an odd ease fell over me. "But... I'll wait." My eyes locked on to his and I smiled through my tears. "I will... never stop loving you."