As if I was going to hang out with him after what we shared and in the next breath, saying never mind. Anger, humiliation, fear and loneliness haunted me more than ever for the next two weeks and left me feeling exhausted. The more I thought about it, another emotion arose and I couldn't pinpoint what it was, but it left me feeling ashamed. Josh was everywhere. His voice through Audra's cell, his smiles as I had forced myself to go to her house so to avoid parental and Audra's suspicion, the thank-you pie made by her mom brought over by Josh. It was getting harder and harder.
The vaginal stinging eventually went away, leaving me frustrated because I couldn't confide in Audra to see if it was normal to begin with. I didn't want to tell Josh the damage he'd inflicted. What was the point if he made it obvious he didn't want to be with me?
In contrast, his tenderness also haunted me. Both from the night I lost it to him as well as how he broke up with me. He seemed upset over letting me down, even heartbroken. It wasn't supposed to be this way. I lost a lot of sleep and suddenly started having the strangest, most vivid dreams: locked in huge buildings, always trying to find a way out. Sometimes there were people chasing me with guns. I believed dreams spoke to people and revealed much about a person, and mine told me that I felt trapped somehow.
Audra noticed my strange behavior. "You've been acting weird lately. Are you okay?"
I wasn't sure if she was asking about my sulkiness, or not feeling comfortable around everyone. Living a disconnected life started to wear on me, but with Josh gone, it got easier to get over. I wasn't ever going to have sex with him again. It was only once anyway. Mom and Dad didn't have to know. My brain finally registered that she had spoken. "Did you say something?" Audra didn't have to know.
"You see, you're doing it again. Whatcha thinking about, weirdo?"
We slid into our usual table in the cafeteria after standing in the long lunch line. My shoulders tensed, but I kept drinking my juice. Was I that obvious? I'd have to try harder. "Can't get my mind off the pool incident." I shuddered for effect. "Scarred for life, I guess." A sudden yawn attacked me. "Oh, big yawn." Why was I so tired?
Her face softened, and she squeezed my hand. "Yeah, I'm sorry. I think it freaked Josh out too,"—I drew in a breath and closed my eyes for a second, not sure if I wanted to hear anything about him anymore—"because he's been a major space cadet. You should have seen him his last day of spring break." She chuckled and stuffed the taco in her mouth with a crunch.
"What do you mean?" My mind drifted to the last time I had really talked to him. In my living room over our break up. Yes, I probably still cared for him, even loved him, but I was angry at his indecisiveness. It all boiled down to plain loneliness and dejection.
"Well." She dabbed her mouth with a napkin, but took another bite. "What I should have said was you should've seen him before he left. It was as if he didn't want to be around, being all quiet and stuff. He just up and left without saying bye. What a jerk."
"Is that usual?" I doubted it as he was probably feeling just as miserable if he really meant everything he said. Odd, but if that was the truth, it didn't help me feel any better. I wanted to hear it from him. "Do you want that?" I pointed to the crispy twisty things in her salad.
"Have at it." She wrinkled her nose and dumped her salad onto my plate. "I think drowning turned you into some vegetarian nut—don't you want your tacos?"
They sat there in a pool of russet grease and my stomach lurched. "Ew, look at all that grease. Doesn't it look gross?"
"Give them to me," she demanded, plucking a taco before I could say yes.
The goo oozed down from her mouth and I shuddered. "Disgusting." I tossed my napkin at her. "Oh, I'll be right back." Her eyebrows pinched up and I said, "Restroom."
The restroom couldn't be any farther. I scurried as fast as I could, wanting to hold my tummy and do a little pee dance. Once inside the stall, relief burst through me and I sighed with a shiver. It seemed over night that water sounded fabulous, and I couldn't get enough of it. I drank every chance I got each time I passed a fountain in the hallways. The more I drank, the more I needed to use the toilet. It was a nuisance, really. Lucky I needed to go once every class, so the teachers had no idea I'd gone six times by the time school ended.
"Man, I'm beat," I blurted as we settled into the big seats in the hot bus. "Is it hot in here or what?" I reached across Audra and flicked the window open to let more hot air in.
"Rick says hi." Audra flashed her cell at me, and went back to her texting.
"Hi back." I dropped my head and stared at the scarred bus ceiling. Had the bus always jolted us around so much, the stuffy air making breathing impossible along with all the stinky smell of body odor? A sudden wave of dizziness hit me and I moaned. "Man, I don't feel so good. It's too hot in here and my head hurts."
"Take a nap when you get home. I guess I'll see you later." She stood up with a zombie-slowness, eyes glued to the screen, and busted out laughing. "Rick is too funny, I swear."
"Sure." We were the last ones off the bus, which made me even grumpier. Who'd want to stay in the bus longer than necessary?
"Call me." Audra shouted as we parted ways, her eyes still fast to her phone.
"Yeah, yeah." I waved, taking sluggish steps home. This was my second time feeling so crappy since the pool incident. I wondered if they didn't clean their pool properly. I was catching something. I groaned. "I hate being sick."
No one paid attention to me as I drifted into the house, up the stairs, and into my room. My bed called out to me and I sighed as I sunk into the mattress. It felt so good. Once again, my body shut down and I had another dream of being trapped. Next thing I knew, my cell screamed and I rolled off the bed and hit the floor with a loud thud.
"Hello?" There was no one. "Hello?" I moved the phone from my face and glanced at the stupid thing. "Oh, oops!" Laughing, I flipped it right-side up. "Sorry. Hi Audra, how are you?"
"Hey, girl! I'm chillin'. What's up with you?" I heard her pop her gum on the other line.
"Just napping." I yawned, my head washing into another dizzy spell. "I think I caught something at Josi's."
"Aw, like what?"
The distinct sound of her finger scraping alerted me. "Are you texting while talking to me?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry. What did you say you caught again?"
"Ugh. I've been feeling dizzy, my body has chills once in a while, and I've been feeling very weak. I've been drinking tons of water, 'cause Mrs. Pulley said in health that doing so will rush the illness faster through the system." I giggled at the effects. "It's been working like a charm."
"That's good. Wait a minute." She cleared her throat, and I could see her blinking from her texting haze. "Did you say you just woke up from your nap?"
"Uh, yeah." My bed felt so good under my back as I stretched out. "And you're just barely realizing this after I told you not a minute ago?"
"Do you know what time it is?" She ignored my snide remark.
"Nope." I needed to take some ibuprofen to feel better. I was hating this cold.
"It's almost five. Were you asleep this whole time?" Her voice glazed over, and I knew she was distracted from texting once again.
"I told you I'm sick. Did you hear me or are you too busy making out with your cell?" I laughed at my joke. "Hey, I'll see you tomorrow. I'm hungry."
"Bye."
I tossed my phone aside and shuffled to the bathroom. My body had healed a few days ago and I no longer spotted. I felt bloated, like I was about to start my period. Right on time. I grimaced, not liking the thought of wearing a pad, but not liking a tampon either. Both were awful. I hated being on my period. "Three more days of freedom."
Dinner never looked better. I was confused as to why I found Mom's pot roast delectable as opposed to the greasy school food. The thought made me queasy and I had stand still and close my eyes to regain my composure.
"Are you okay?" Mom asked, dishing up some mashed potatoes.
"Yeah, I caught something at the pool. You should have seen all that water I ingested."
"Gross." Rob wrinkled his nose. "Do you know how much pee the average pool has in it? Not to mention all the poop."
"Robert Sean Landon!" Mom gasped, smacking his hand. "Not at the table. If Dad heard you."
My imagination aided Rob's cause and I imagined people peeing in the pool. Yellow floating with blue to make green. And for poop? I covered my mouth, not liking where my thoughts took me. It started with my stomach. It rumbled, twisted, groaned and the effect traveled up my esophagus and ended with a vomity burp.
Jules busted out laughing and gave me a high five. "Cool one, Jess."
"Do it again!" Rob leaned forward, his blue eyes dancing.
What was it with boys and belches? "Oh, shut up and eat." I gave him the evil eye and stared at the meat. Because of the topic of interest, it suddenly looked like shredded poop than roast. "I lost my appetite."
"You will eat that until it's gone. You served your plate, you eat what's on it." Dad came down the stairs and scooted his chair out and sat.
"She's not feeling well. She caught something at the pool." Mom touched his hand and gave me a soft smile.
Rob covered the chortle with his hand and gave me a meaningful gaze as he popped a forkful of brown roast into his mouth. "Mmmm."
Shut up, I mouthed, glaring at him.
Dad's tight sigh filled the air. "Eat the light foods—your body needs the sustenance to get well." I could feel his burning gaze on my face, and I turned to meet it.
Funny, but I couldn't understand why I lost my desire to eat. Nothing ever affected me that way. After forcing the fruit salad down, I nibbled the corn. Hot butter and salt. I wrinkled my nose at the combination. Butter sounded gross—it was too heavy and oily. "Done." I stood, bringing my plate with me.
"Wait." Dad lifted his eyes from his plate, already done eating his dinner. "What's wrong with the mashed potatoes? Those aren't heavy."
I stared at the white and yellow fluff. The thought of gooey texture in my mouth gave me the shivers. Mom watched me and I gave her a pleading look.
"Hon," she said in a soft voice, "she ate all her fruit salad and baby carrots."
Dad stood with his plate. "Fine." He rinsed it off and set it in the dishwasher. "Do the dishes."