CHAPTER 1:LOST, CONFUSED, and SUFFOCATED
As I lay here thinking about what this dreadful year has in store me I start to think about how I must honestly be worthless. I mean lets be real if life is suppose to be the wonderful experience to enjoy, then why is it I feel like my life has been nothing, but a bag full of shit. I mean usually people go through a few bad things in life and recover, What if we don't recover? What if all the twisted tragedy some of us go through sticks with us for life? I am starting to think I am not meant to be alive in this lifetime. You will soon understand why I feel this way. These feelings didn't surface over night. These feelings have been stuck bubbling, mixing, stirring, rotting, and blackening inside me for a very long time. I guess I should just let you read on and understand.
I am Katsu Henry Yamamoto. Though all of you can call me Kiyoshi or Yoshii for short. If you are wondering why the name change, well it is because I believe being someone is far better then being yourself. I mean why would I want to be me when I can create a character and be them? So, I go by Kiyoshi. I attend Bellview High School. I live in Bellview, California. I am a 16 year old Junior. I come from a a middle class family. Well, we are above normal middle class, but we aren’t super rich. I am half Japanese and half Caucasian. I have an older brother (23 years old) and an older sister (20 years old). I guess that is it for now. Oh shit!! It is 6:37am I must get up and get ready for school before my mom comes in here and raises hell.
OK I am all showered, teeth are brushed, hair is fixed, outfit on, and it is only 7:30. I have enough time to make it to school on time. I make my way down the stairs and almost out the door when my dad stopped me.
“Hey Katsu it is your first day, so please try to be normal and social. I want you making friends this year and not look so lonely. You are a very interesting young man and making friends isn't so bad”
“Dad you give me this speech every year. The people at school just do not like me. I am different. I don’t play football, I do not care about cars, and I certainly don't care about looking up the cheerleader's skirts. Don't get me started on the girls. They don’t like me either. They say I am weird and not their type. So, please dad back off this year. I won't be popular like Kiyama and Kanjo. I am just different.”
“You just don't want to try. You rather be by yourself then try and be social.”
“No dad IM JUST NOT ACCEPTED THERE!!”
“Don't raise your voice at me!! When I am only trying to help you”
“Forget it dad I am going to be late. Having this conversation isn't going to solve anything.”
I guess you can see that my dad and I don't have that son and pop relationship. You know the kind of relationship where you hang out with your dad, do certain activities. No, my dad and I aren't like that. He wants me to be like my older siblings, but I refuse to go to the drunken parties, have the fake friends, and talk about things that have no importance whatsoever. I just don't understand why I cant be by myself. I don't feel like I need friends. You can only trust in yourself. My dad feels the need that all his kids must be like him. It is not my fault that I’m not popular. I can't help the fact that I'm not like them. I am different. Why can he just accept that!!!! It is so fucking frustrating feeling the pressure he piles on me. He wants me to be the smartest, the jock, the social lite, the club guy, class president. I refuse because I'm not any of that. I am just me. That isn't good enough for him though. Its starting to really kill me inside because I wish he would just let me be me. That is one dream I know for a fact that won't come true. I'm willing to bet my life on it.
I slowly push the pain away like I always do. It is no use in feeling sorry for yourself. I am almost at school and I quickly notice some “classmates” are walking as well. I hate when I see them. I hate it because they always want to start trouble. They always find energy to piss me off.
“HEY SHITSU!!!! WHATS UP!!”
I act like I didn't hear him. I start to walk faster. He is the worst of them all. His name is Steven Lloyd. God he found a way everyday to make my life hell. I don't understand it at all. We were great friends in elementary school. Now things are so different. As, I'm walking I feel a hard tug on my wrist, and next thing I know I'm swung around. I was so caught up in my damn thoughts again I didn’t even notice him come up behind me.
“Hey SHITSU!! I know you heard me when I called you the first time. Are you fucking deaf now?!”
“No..sorry..Steven. Can you please just let me go.”
“AHAHAHAHHAAH!!! Don't make me laugh so hard Shitsu I just ate breakfast a little while ago. Why should I let you go? I mean I could just beat your ass really fast before classes start. How does that sound Shitsu? A quick ass beating?”
“No please Steven”
“Hey Steven we are going to be late and you still have to carry my cheer leading stuff to my locker for me”
“Oh shit you are right! Look here Shitsu you are so lucky Beth is right. I guess an angel came down from heaven and saved your faggot ass. Tell Beth thank you for saving my faggot ass.”
“Thank you Beth for saving my faggot ass.”
“Katsu you didn't have to say that.....”
“Thank you Beth”
“Come on Steven!!”
Everyone starts to continue walking to school. I stand there for a moment looking at the ground. I slowly then look up and see Beth looking at me. I look into her eyes and I see sadness. Sadness like as if she feels sorry that her boyfriend just did that to me. Beth has never disrespected me, or said anything about me. She in fact is usually the one who breaks up Steven and I encounters. I start walking fast to get to school. Thank god my years of running from Steven have paid off. I can walk and run at high speed if I need to. I walk into the office and get my schedule. I quickly glance over it to see my classes for the year. I have 1st period:English 3AP, 2nd period:Physics, 3rd period:Intro to Fashion holy shit I got into the fashion class!!! YES!!! This year might not suck after all. 4th period: Algebra 2, 5th period: Gym, 6th period: History-AP. My schedule isn't too bad. My dad will be somewhat happy that I'm in AP classes. I basically power walk to my English class. I walk into the classroom and find a seat in the back. I look out the window and start to fall into a daze. I start to think about that maybe this year wont be as bad as the rest. I got into a class I really wanted, I also got some AP classes. School actually might be enjoyable this year.
My daze was then broken. His voice just stepped on any hope I just had. I slowly turn my head in disbelief that maybe it is someone else. Nope..I am sadly wrong. Steven walks into the classroom with Beth. Fuck I can't ever catch a fucking break. I am always dropped in a cave of lifelessness and left there to rot. I just wish something would go my way.
“Oh look Shitsu we have a class together. I wonder how many we will have. This should be a good year right Shitsu!!?”
“Steven in my class we call each other by their real names. His name is Katsu. Right it down on an index card if you cant remember it.”
“Sorry Mr. Porter. It won't happen again.”
“It is not me who you are suppose to be apologizing to. Apologize to Katsu.”
Steven then slowly turned his head towards my directions. We then lock eyes and I start to tremble because he has this fearful glare on his face. His eyes are basically saying they want to draw blood.
“Sorry.....Katsu.”
“Alright now class pay attention. Even though it is the beginning of the school year and only the first day. This is AP English and so I have a writing project for you guys. This project is in pair of two. You will need to write a detailed essay about your partner. This essay should include, but not limited to; hopes, dreams, family life, interest, hobbies, careers wanting to pursuit, personal info (birthday, full name, siblings?), and many more. To save questions I have already paired up everyone.”
Oh great a project. I wonder who would be my partner. I know no one is excited about being my partner. I bet everyone is wishing to be partnered up with the janitor before being my partner. I notice as Mr. Porter is saying names mine hasn't been called yet. There aren't that many student left and I notice my name still hasn't been called. So more names get called. A couple more names are called. There is Cathy McClellan, Erik Thompson, Steven, and myself left. God if you are there please DO NOT pair me up with Steven. I am beginning you.
“Cathy McClellan and Erik Thompson. You two are partners, So, that leaves Steven Lloyd and Katsu Yamamoto.”
Everyone gets real quiet. I am praying this is all a dream. How the hell did this happen. Why pair someone up with someone they hate. Now this really doesn't make sense. Like I said I can never catch a break. I am rapidly taken from my thoughts when the bell rings. I quickly gather my things and head to my locker. So, as you may have already figured out this year will not be a good year after all. Now do you understand why I say hopes and dreams are useless thoughts? I quickly head to my locker and open it to put my books in it. I then get my binder and place my backpack in my locker, and head to class.
I quickly head to the Physics classroom. I enter the classroom pick up a textbook and I am in luck there is a seat way in the back. I quickly get to the seat, put my things down, and sit down. I start to pray again even though praying didn't help me last time. Though this time I am praying that Steven doesn't have this class with me. I look at the clock and the bell is about to ring. No sign of Steven anywhere. Could my one small prayer be answered this time. 30 seconds to go and still no sign of Steven at all. The teacher makes her way towards the door to close it. 15 seconds left and no Steven. Oh shit I might be in luck. The teach then closes the door and the bell rings. YES!! Steven might be a lot of things but he is never late. He has arrived in class at 2 seconds before the bell before, but eh is never late. I guess this is my lucky class.
“Hello class I am Mrs. Jones. I will be your physics teacher for this year. I hope everyone got a textbook. I need everyone to turn to page 7 and read until you get to page 12. Then I want a summary.”
I open my textbook and began to read. As I am reading someone enters the classroom. I look up and see someone that I have never seen at this school before. He must be new. He is about 6 feet tall, shoulder length blonde hair, even from the back of the classroom I notice his icey blue eyes. The teacher then directs him to get a textbook and to take an empty seat. Oh crap the only empty seat left is next to me. Great the new kid is already being punished by sitting next to me. I watch him as he walks towards the back of the classroom. He then places his backpack down, sits down, and opens his textbook. I began to continue my reading and act like he isn't even there.
“Hey I am Kevin, What's your name bro?”
I slowly turn my head and stare at him. Why is he even talking to me? Do I have a sign that says speak to me. I mean why would he want to talk to me is the real question. This situation is confusing me. Maybe I am just over analyzing the situation.
“OK here is the thing. My name isn't “bro” it's Katsu.”
“Oh sorry bro....I..I mean Katsu. Nice name by the way, may I ask what your ethnicity is?”
“I am half Japanese and half American”
“Cool I am just plain ole American. My family and I just moved here from Ohio.”
“That’s um..nice to know I guess.”
“You don't talk much do you Katsu?”
“No I don't. I really don't talk to people I really don't know.”
“Oh well Katsu lets get to know each other. What do ya say?”
“I say we get back to the reading material”
I then continue to read. Out of the side of my eye I notice him staring at me. I don't pay it much attention and still continue reading. I soon hear the bell ring. I quickly put the book in my backpack and hurry out of class.
“Katsu....wait up dude...”
I don't stop walking I just hurry and leave. I rush towards my locker and notice I forgot my damn binder. That binder has all my sketches and poems in it. Just great. I better hurry up and head to my next class. I start to walk towards the Art department. I have been waiting for this class all summer. I just finally got the courage to sign up for it. I make my way towards the Introduction to Fashion classroom. I am looking down so do not notice Kevin walking in my direction, and I guess he hadn't noticed me either. We were so into our own thoughts that we walk right into each other, and fall over.
“Oh sorry Katsu I didn't notice you. I was thinking about something. Hey bro you left your binder back in Physics class. I picked it up and noticed you had some really great sketches, and some really nice poems. I wish I could write like that.”
“You read my poems and looked at my sketches!?!?!!?!? That is unacceptable. You had no right to open my binder. Kevin do me a favor and DON'T TPUCH MY SHIT AGAIN!! AND WHAT DID I TELL YOU MY NAME ISN'T FUCKING BRO!! What are you even doing in front on this class anyway? Shouldn't you be at a football practice, or putting gel into your hair, or ditching and heading to the mall?”
“Whoa dude calm down. I was only trying to be fucking nice, so excuse the fuck out of me. Secondly, this was the only class left in electives so I head no choice. Thirdly why are you so rude? I have been nothing but nice and tried to be a friend, but yet all you have been giving me is shit. What is your problem?”
“Forget it. It isn't like you would understand anyway. Just leave me alone and stay out of my way.”
I then get up and head inside the classroom. I walk in and look around for a seat. I notice an empty table behind three girls. I then quickly make my way to the table. I sit down and look through my binder to make sure all my poems and sketches are still in their right place. As, I am going through my binder and notice the three girls looking at me. I quickly notice who the girls are. They are cheerleaders. They aren't ordinary cheerleaders. They are Bellview's top 3 cheerleaders. They are Jasmine Wright, Jasmine Dixon, and Ambur Dixon.
“Hey you!! Aren't you umm...jeez..um oh right you are Katsu right?”
“Yea...Yea that is me.”
“Well hey I am Jasmine W.”
“Hey Katsu I am Jasmine D.”
“What's up Katsu I am Ambur”
“Nice...to..meet you guys”
“You are so cute Katsu is this your first fashion class?”
“Yeah it is and thank you Jasmine W.”
“Yea you are cute. What is your ethnicity if you don't mind me asking?”
“I am half White and half Japanese and thanks Ambur.”
“Shut up ho, trying to be hella nosey.”
“Bitch I'm trying to to get to know him.”
“He might not want to get to know you though.”
“Hatin ass jealous ho.”
“Girl I am the oldest. You are the copycat therefore you are the jealous one.”
“Sorry Katsu Jasmine D. and he little sister Ambur are always like this.”
“It is OK. It is kind of entertaining.”
I said it was entertaining because they were really just playing around with each other. You could tell they were smiling and giggling in between insults. They aren't angered in anyway. I wish I had this kind of relation with my sister or my brother. I don't know why I said I wish something I know that is impossible to happen. I must really be crazy.
“Girls shh the teacher just walked in”
“Yeah Ambur shut yo rusty ass up,”
“Same to you, you ole dust bunny ass beyotch.”
See they are hilarious. As. The teacher walks in Kevin is right behind her. Great, I had forgot he was in this class. Sad part is the seat next to me is the only empty seat. He then sits next to me. I don't even look at him. I cant believe he read my shit. How dare someone invade someones life like that. What kind of shit do they teach they kids in Ohio. I guess it is nothing I can really do though. I mean what is done is done. Or should I say what is read is read. I notice Kevin sliding me a note. Oh fuck what does he want. I thought I told him to leave me alone. I'm certain I was speaking English. I then reach for the note, open it up, and start to read it.
“Dear Katsu. I am really sorry I looked at your sketches, and read your poems. I know it wasn't right for me to look without permission. I do understand that, and so I am very sorry. I however am not sorry for liking your work. Reading your poems actually make you think of real life stuff. Your designs are very good. I am not a liar when I say this, but I would rock one of your outfits. So please accept my apology. Yes? Or No?”
Can you believe this guy. He still wants to be my friend. Fuck why!! I don't understand this. For some reason though I am going to circle yes. I don't know why, but it sort of feels right to do so. So I circle yes fold the note and pass it back to him. I then notice that he has a huge grin on his face after reading my answer, and then looks at me. I look at him and smile, but then I quickly turn my head away and make my smile go away. What the hell am I doing? Did I just smile? Fuck what is happening. I better pay attention to the teacher and leave my thoughts for another time.