If you could go back and change just one thing about your life, would you? And if you did, would that change make your life better? Or would that change ultimately break your heart? Or break the heart of another? Would you choose an entirely different path? Or would you change just one thing? Just one moment. One moment that you always wanted back.
One tree hill
"I had HCM since I was sixteen, Hyan."
I found myself walking inside the City Aquarium with Abelardo. Hindi ko alam kung paano kami napunta sa ganitong lugar pero habang nag-uusap kaming dalawa kanina sa restaurant ay bigla na lang niyang sinabi na maglakad daw kami. And as we walk, para bang muli kong nakikilala si Abelardo.
"You had? You mean you're healed? They fixed you?"
"The doctors did. They operated on me. They fixed my illness but they can never repair the pain in my heart -that pain I had when I took you back."
My cheeks blushed. How can he do that to me? He's making me feel uncomfortable - but uncomfortably good. I cleared my throat.
"Mas maganda na mas maagang nadetect ang sakit niya." Sabi pa ni Abel. "Mas maaga siyang gagaling." Muli na naman niyang hinawakan ang kamay ko. I felt things I thought I had forgotten. "It's just a heart disease, Hyan."
Ikinapagtataka koi yon. How can he say something like that? Bigla akong natigilan.
"You had HCM? They fixed you? You were sixteen?" Paulit-ulit kong tanong. "You didn't tell me?"
Hindi siya sumagot. He just stopped walking. Nakipagtitigan siya sa mga isda sa malaking aquarium na iyon.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
Abel froze. He faced me and to my surprise, there was a grin on his face. It seemed like he was thinking of the right things to say. Alam na niya ang sasabihin pero hindi niya lang alam kung paano ito sasabihin.
I couldn't believe how blinded I had become. We lived together for a long time and I didn't even realize that he was suffering from something. How blinded was I?
"It didn't matter. Mula naman noon, alam kong gagaling na ako. Sabi ko nga, sakit lang iyon sa puso, maliit na bagay lang iyon. Kaya alam kong gagaling din ang anak natin." He smiled at me.
That phrase he used - anak natin - sent shiver to my spine. I smiled at him. Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko. Napalunok naman ako. Hindi pwedeng ganito ako at nanghihina tuwing hahawakan niya ako. Kailangan kong rendahan. Hindi ko naman alam kung anong mangyayari sa amin. Hanggang ngayon, nasa isipan ko na para lang ito kau Louis. I want him to meet Louis. I want to see them together.
Lumaki si Louis na ang kinikilalang ama ay si Hyron. Iyon din ang dahilan kung bakit ganoon na lang ang bond ng kakambal ko sa anak ko. I'm thankful with Hyron, dahil sa kanya may katuwang ako sa pagpapalaki sa anak ko. He treated Louis as his own and for that, I am really grateful.
"Hyan, kalabisan ba kung nanaisin kong makilala ang anak ko?"
I was caught off guard. I feel like it's too soon.
"Abel, pag-iisipan ko muna ha. This is all too soon." Malumanay na wika ko. Natigilan si Abel. Kitang-kita kong ang pagtitiim ng mga bagang niya. Bigla ay naalala ko ang hitsura ni Hyron noong nabanggit ko si Lualhati. Parang ganoon si Abelardo ngayon. Tila galit siya.
Napalunok ako nang balingan niya ako. Galit ang ekspresyon ng kanyang mukha.
"Hindi pa ba sapat ang tatlong taong wala ako sa buhay niya para pag-isipan mo pa ang mga bagay-bagay? Hindi kaya masyadong unfair na iyon. Hyan?" Tiim ang mga bagang niya habang nagsasalita. Galit si Abel. Hindi ko na kailangan tanungin kung galit ba siya dahil galit nga siya. Nasa mukha niya iyon. Nakadama ako ng takot.
"Hindi naman ganoon kadali iyon He doesn't know you and I'm not sure if you can be a part of our world - our lives."
"Putang ina!" Sigaw niya sa akin. You're not sure?! Ano palang ginagawa mo dito? Bakit mo pa sinabi sa akin na may anak tayo kung hindi mo naman pala balak na ipakilala siya sa akin?!"
"It's because he's sick and I want him healed. Iyon lang naman talaga ang plano." Inamin ko na sa kanya ang totoo pero pakiramdam ko ay hindi sapat iyon para sa kanya. Lalong nagtangis ang mga bagang ni Abelardo and I can't believe that I'm actually scared of him.
"Magpasundo ka na lang sa driver ninyo. Aalis na ako."
Nagulat ako sa naging reaction niya.
Is he really expecting me to introduce him to my son? Magugulo lang ang buhay ni Louis kapag ginawa koi yon. Maaayos naman na kaming dalawa.
I just sighed. Akmang tatalikod si Abelardo nang hawakan ko ang balikat niya.
"Are you expecting me to let you see him?" Kalmadong tanong ko. Ngumisi naman siya sa akin.
"Let's put it this way." He said. "Para kang nag-alok ng pagkain sa akin, pero noong kukuha na ako, hindi mo naman binigay. Fuck, Hyan."
He walked out. I bit my lower lip. Ilang minuto nang nakaalis si Abel nang maisipan kong tawagan si Hyron. Agad naman niyang sinagot ang tawag ko. From the sound of it, parang kumakain siya.
"Where are you?"m
"Dito sa Jollibee. Bakit? Kailangan mo na ako ngayon?"
Alam ko iyong Jollibee na sinasabi niya. Binaba ko ang phone at nagsimula na akong maglakad papunta sa kanya. Nang makapasok ako sa loob ng fast food chain na iyon ay hindi naman ako nahirapang makita si Hyron. Nasa gitna siya nang lugar na iyon at kumakain nga and people were staring at him. I know why. Naglakad ako papunta sa kanya.
"Really? Jollibee?" I snapped at him.
"You need to chill, Sis. Gusto mo ng chicken joy?" Tanong niya. He grinned. "Buti pa ang chicken, may joy. Ikaw, anong meron ka?"
Nang-iinis na naman siya. Sa pagkakataong iyon ay sinipa ko na ang paa niya. Napangiwi siya sa ginawa ko.
"Seryoso. Abel thinks that he needs to meet my son."
"Don't you want that?" He took a bite of his chicken joy.
"It's not a part of the plan."
"What is the plan, Hyan? Do you have any? Or just like in the past, you act based on your emotions? It's not supposed to be like that. Ganoon naman, ang mga bagay na hindi pinag-iisipan, nakakasakit. Kapag naman masyado kang emosyonal, nasasaktan ka din. So, tell me do you have any plans at all?"
The plan is to tell Abelardo about Louis, ipagamot siya at saka bumalik nang America at mamuhay muli nang tahimik. But now, the complications are here again. This is the reason why I didn't want him to know about Louis. Tahimik naman na kami sa America. Hindi ko na kailangan nang ganito.
"Right. You have no plans at all. Why not let Abelardo see Louis and from then, figure it out? Inaalala mo ang komplikasyon? Sis, life isn't life if there's no complications. It spices things up, live it, love it, accept it, learn from it."
"I hate it when you make sense and when you sound like you're smarter than me."
"But I am smarter than you, sis. I faked my own death, remember?"
Hyron grinned again. But that didn't bother me, what bothered me was the fact that I know he's right and I have to let Abelardo in my son's life...
_______________________________
"You have a son?"
Arsenal's voice was high pitched when she talked to me that morning. I had to tell her. She's my best friend. She knows everything there is to know about me. Nakatitig siya sa akin nang umagang iyon sa opisina ko.
Pumunta siya doon para sa Australian clients namin. She wanted me to go with her in Australia para sa clerical inspection nang building na iyon but now, I don't think, I could go. Hangga't nandito ang anak ko, hindi ako aalissa bansang ito. Kailangan kong sabihin kay Arsenal ang totoo para hindi naman na siya umasa.
"With whom?" Nagtatakang tanong niya pa rin. Hindi ako sumagot. I waited for her to figure it out and when she did, I got the scolding that I think I deserve a bit.
"With Hyan Demitri?! You had sex with her? Abel! Walang mabuting idudulot ang mga Demitri sa buhay natin! Hyan kept on hurting you! Ipinakilala na ba niya sa'yo iyong bata?"
"I don't think she plans on doing that."
"See!" Arsenal rose. "Mula noon hanggang ngayon sinasaktan ka niya, Abelardo! Bakit ba hanggang ngayon nagpapakatanga ka sa kanya? Ilang beses ko bang sasabihin sa'yo? Nandito naman ako! Ako ang mahalin mo!"
Umiling ako. Matagal ko nang alam ang nararamdaman niya. Noon pa man, sinabi naman niya iyon noong nasa ospital ako. Noong huling araw bago ako lumabas, umiyak si Arsenal sa akin. Mahal na mahal daw niya ako and apparently, everyone knew, even my mother knew about it - pati na rin iyong mga kapatid niya. Ako lang yata ang hindi nakakaalam.
"What did I tell you about that, Arse?" I sighed. "I love you, pero hanggang dito na lang tayo. Date, Arse, have fun, but you can never have that with me."
Her tears fell. Huminga ako nang malalim at nilapitan siya. Niyakap ko siya. Nangunyapit naman siya sa leeg ko at doon umiyak nang umiyak sa akin. Hinaplos ko ang likod niya para kumalma siya.
Sa ganoong pagkakataon napansin kong nakaawang ang pinto at nakasilip si Hyan Demitri.
She had her poker face on. Nakahalukipkip siya habang tila naiinip habang nakatingin sa akin. Itinulak ko nang dahan-dahan si Arsenal at hinarap siya.
"Am I interrupting a creepy foreplay? Do I need to go back for later, Mr. Sto. Rosario?" I could sense sarcasm in her voice. Gusto kong mapangisi. Umiling na lang ako.
"Please let us be, Arse." I smiled at her. Hinalikan ko siya sa noo tapos ay hinayaan ko siyang umalis. Si Hyan naman ang pumasok, siya pa mismo ang nagsara ng pinto bago humarap sa akin. Napansin kong may dala siyang kulay putting folder. Inilapag niya iyon sa mesa ko.
"Sit down." I told her. Umiling siya.
"I'd rather stand up, Abel."
"Oh really? The last time you stood up, you came for like four times. Are we really doing this now?" Nakangising tanong ko sa kanya. Lalo akong napangisi nang mamula ang mukha niya.
"Stop that. It ain't funny." Nagtangis ang mga bagang niya. "Read that if you wanna meet my son."
"OURS, Hyan. I will not take no for an answer and if these are your demands, itatapon ko ang ito. I don't need this, you should be thankful kung hindi dahil sa akin wala kang anak."
"Anak na may sakit din dahil sa'yo." Tila nanunubok siya. Napatayo ako. "Totoo naman, Abel. Sa dami nang mamanahin ni Louis sa'yo, iyang sakit mo pa! I hated you for that!"
"You hate me?" I roared. "Wala akong ginawa sa'yo kundi ang mahalin ka!"
"Ibinalik mo ako! Iyon ba ang pagmamahal?! You should've taken me away kahit na noong mga panahon na iyon ay inakala nating magkadugo tayo! Dapat ipinaglaban mo ako! Dapat jindi mo ako binalik! Taking me back is the biggest mistake you'd ever done and yes, I hate you for it! Araw-araw kinakain ako ng what if's ko! What if, hindi ko ako ibinalik, nasaan na ba tayo ngayon?! Tayo pa rin kaya? I'm a Consunji and when I love, I love with all my heart! And that time, I loved you and yet you took me back."
Her tears just fell and I was taken aback. Ngayon niya pa sinasabi sa akin ito? At sinasabi niya sa aki ito nang hindi man lang niya ikinokonsidera ang nararamdaman ko?
Kung nasaktan siya noon, ano pa kayang naramdaman ko?
"I took you back because it was the right thing to do! God knows how much I want to take you away pero naisip ko kung anong mararamdaman ng mga magulang mo, ni Hyron, ng nanay ko o kung mapapatawad ko ba ang sarili ko sa mga panahon na titingnan mo ako sa mga mata at sasabihin mo sa akin na nagsisisi ka. Ayokong magsisi ka, Hyan. I loved you too much for that to happen!"
"Kung inisip mo ako noon---"
"Magsisisihan pa ba tayo? We have a kid with HCM and yet were here blaming each other's shortcomings." I shook my head. Siguro nga hindi ko na mababawi si Hyan na mahal ko, pero gusto kong makasama at makitang nasa mabuti ang anak ko.
"I will never read those demands, Hyan. May karapatan ako sa anak ko, at h'wag mong hintayin na ako pa mismo ang humarap sa Daddy mo para hilingin ang karapatang iyon."
She shivered. She took a deep breath and left my office. Napaupo naman ako sa silya ko at nasapo ko ang ulo ko.
Do I really have to deal with these complications now? All I want is to know my son.
______________________
"Do you miss, Iggy, Hya?"
Hyacinth looked at me like she just heard the dumbest joke on earth. She started laughing off and shaking her head like she had Tourette or something. I just got home from Abel's office at talagang nag-init ang ulo ko.
Una, gusto niyang makilala ang anak namin pero pagpunta ko naman sa office niya, puro na lang kalandian ang nakita ko. Hyron forgot to mention that the bitch Arsenal works with Abel. Buti na nga lang hindi binasa ni Abel ang mga folder na dala ko kundi pahiya ako. Wala namang laman iyon kundi mga test results ni Louis. Kinuha ko pa nga iyon bago ako umuwi para safe.
"I don't. Why would I miss someone like him?"
"I don't know, you've been with him for fourteen years, isn't it normal to miss him?"
"Hyan, you don't miss someone like that." Kumunot pa ang noo niya. "Anyway, I want to take Louis out for a shopping date. I will buy him toys and clothes!"
"Masyado na siyang maraming clothes and toys. Ang kailangan niya magaling na doctor. Kung hindi naman kasi nakakainis iyong Abel na iyon dapat naapag-usap na kami para kay Louis."
Hyacinth rolled her eyes. Bigla ay naisip ko na naman ang tagpong nakita ko kanina sa office niya. The nerve of that man bun!
"Nagseselos ka sa Arsenal na iyon, ano?"
I looked at her. "Nagseselos ka rin bas a mga nali-link na babae ngayon kay Ignacio Roothe?"
"Hindi. I don't care. I'm having lots of work now. I'm a very busy person. Being Papa's next in line is so hard that I don't have time to think about anything else - oh look! Hyron is here! Hy!"
Mukhang kadarating lang ni Hyron. Buong-buo pang nakasuot sa kanya ang three-piece suit niya. Niluluwagan niya ang neck tie niya habang papunta siya sa amin ni Hya na nasa pools side. Hinubad niya ang coat niya habang naglalakad at habang naglalakad pa rin ay binubuksan niya ang polo niya - he's doing all that while walking and while the maids were there looking at him like they had just seen a very delicious dessert.
I made a face.
Finally, he was half naked in front of everyone.
Huminto siya sa gilid namin at hinubad ang sapatos, medyas at ang pants niya. Itinira niya lang ang black boxer briefs niya.
"Por dios por santo, Hyron Yvan! Ibinabalandra mo ang katawan mo na para kang daing sa palengke!"
"I want to take a dip, ano, magsi-swim ako nang naka-suit?" Maaskad na tanong niya. I looked around and saw the maids stopped whatever they were doing to just look at Hyron as he swims.
"Whatever happen to him?" I asked Hya. She shrugged.
"I just know that I like this version of Hyron. I guess that this should've been him kung hindi siya napraning dati at nagpanggap na patay."
"Is he dating anyone?"
"No idea. He's your brother. Ask him."
"How can I if the mere mention of Lualhati's name he becomes a different person?" I whispered. Hyacinth looked at me.
"That woman worked for Pan's summer collection last May. Siya ang pang-finale. Pan's trying to book her again pero balita ko fully booked siya. And have you seen her billboard in EDSA? God! Hindi ako magtataka kung bakit lalong traffic!"
Magsasalita sana ako nang mapansin ko si Hyron na titig na titig kay Hyacinth. Again, I saw how dark his eyes were. Darker shade of green was all I could see in him. It's like he was seeing blood but then, he contained himself and got out of the pool. Umupo siya sa tabi ni Hyacinth at sinadyang basain ang pinsan namin.
"Hy!"
"Lampake." Malamig na wika niya kay Hya. Binalingan niya ako. "Kamusta ang lakad mo kay Abel?" Tanong niya na wala pa ring emosyon.
"You didn't tell me Arsenal was working with her." Inis ako. He grinned.
"Oh yeah. I forgot that part." Bumalik na naman iyong Hyron na maligalig. "And I guess, I also forgot to mention that Abelardo is with Daddy in his office. They're talking I guess, Mama's inside with them too. Maybe they're talking about Louis and his condition."
Bigla ay naalala ko ang sinabi ni Abel bago ako umalis ng office niya.
H'wag mong hintayin na ako pa ang humingi ng karapatang iyon sa Daddy mo.
Sinabunutan ko si Hyron.
"Why do you keep on doing this to me?! I hate you!"
I stood up and run upstairs. Kabadong-kabado ako. Tinungo ko ang opisina ni Daddy. Hindi na ako kumatok, pumasok na lang ako basta at naroon si Abelardo - with his man bun - talking to my parents.
Dad looked at me.
"I'm glad you've decided to join us, Hyan Ysobelle."
I'm in trouble. Daddy just called me by my whole name.
I looked at Abel and I was greeted by that mischievous grin on his face - like he was telling me that he won.