"So where'd you and Kaz sneak off to last night?"
Eveia and I are descending the stairs to breakfast. I roll my eyes at her knowing smile.
"Nothing happened. We just went up to the roof."
"Oh, sure." She holds the D-Hall door for me. "Romantic setting under the stars, just the two of you. And nothing happened?"
I shrug my shoulders and raise my eyebrows. The picture of innocence.
"Morning, Ladies." Kaz comes up behind us.
Eveia still wears her wide grin. "Well, you look to be in better spirits today. I wonder what could have changed overnight?" She wiggles her eyebrows at me.
I push her shoulder. "Don't you have something to complain about?"
"Yeah, you're much too chipper." Kaz moves away with his tray. I try to hide a grin and follow suit, taking my tray in the opposite direction.
"Oh, come on!" Eveia yells after me.
I decide to give her something when she catches up to me at the pancakes station. "We just talked, okay? Got to know each other a little bit."
I notice Kaz glance at my arms when I sit next to Wick at the table. I'm wearing a short sleeve shirt today; I got up early to apply the scar serum. I can hide my scars just as well as Kaz does.
"Ugh, swimming first thing today?" Eveia groans at the schedule in her hands.
"That's more like it!" I grin even as she kicks me under the table.
"I hope we get to spar in Shark's class," Wick says. "We'll see how good your punches are in real life."
Eveia stands up and leans over the table to punch him in the shoulder. "I'll beat you in any form, any day."
They share a smile, and I wonder if "nothing happened" to them last night, too.
*
I forgot being in Wick's group today also meant Anders would be with us. We're just doing swim laps in first session, so we get to wear wetsuits. Anders comes up behind me while we're waiting to get in the pool.
"Too bad we're still in wetsuits," he mutters a little too close to my ear. "Wouldn't mind stripping down to our undies." He winks at me when I turn to him.
"Get lost." I shake my head and move to stand on the other side of Wick and Eveia.
I go out of my way to avoid him the rest of the class.
Lunch passes in quiet. Anders sits with us, and none of us seems too keen to engage him in conversation. I catch Kaz eyeing Anders with distrust twice. It makes me want to smile, but I can't figure out why.
When we leave for third session, Kaz brushes my shoulder as he passes.
"I don't like him," he says, then goes his own way.
We're continuing with knife throwing in Briar's session. Anders keeps his distance, which somehow unnerves me even more than when he hangs around too closely.
Briar lets me try long-range throwing. A wooden circle is set up fifteen feet away, with three circles, one inside the other, on it. A large dot marks the bull's eye. Wood is a more difficult substance to stick with a knife than fabric bags. It takes me all session, but I finally get the hang of striking the target in the center circle by the time the bell rings. I don't manage to quite hit the bull's eye, though.
We have a free period before dinner. Eveia is talking about playing the videogras again when Wick comes up behind us.
"Hey Nadia, I'd watch out for Anders." Wick's lowered voice is urgent. He speaks quickly. "He was just talking about making you his, whatever it takes."
"What does that even mean?" Eveia laughs, but I don't.
It feels like a knot of ice and metal has settled in my stomach. Whatever Anders means by it, it can't be good.
"Thanks, Wick. I'll keep an eye out." I glance around, but don't see Anders anywhere in the lounge.
Still, I have a hard time joining in with Eveia and Wick's game, even though they've finally chosen the karaoke one. I can't keep my mind from worrying about Anders, or my body from shivering away the creepy feeling he elicits. After only a few songs, I get up from the couch.
"I'm just going to head back to the room and freshen up before dinner," I say. It would be nice to get my five-minute hot shower, and this way I'll be able to reapply the scar serum in peace.
Wick pulls his eyes from the duet he's singing with Eveia. "Remember what I said."
I wave away his concern. "Anders's not going to break onto my floor; I'll be fine."
Besides, I think I've spotted him across the room. At least, the back of that guy's head is identical to Anders's.
When I round the stairwell to the landing of F2, I realize I was very wrong.
Wrong about the guy in the lounge.
Wrong that Anders wouldn't snoop on my floor.
He's leaning outside the entrance to F2, twisting a ring on his left pointer finger.
"I looked for you in your room, but you weren't there," he says, then pushes off the wall.
"Why would you do that? Stay out of my room." My stomach is white-hot, and it feels like my veins are full of lead. I'm frozen, and once I recognize it's out of terror, my heart slams against my breastbone.
"Come on," Anders drawls. "You know what I want."
I scoff. "Don't be a Ken." I hope the term will offend him like it did Wick.
He does seem taken aback, but not like I'd hoped. He snickers. "I'm not looking for a long term relationship, princess. And it's not about me wanting what I can't have because..."
His tongue rolls the hoop through his lip before he finishes his sentence. "I always get what I want."
I am so revolted I almost vomit; I wish I could vomit, but nothing comes up. I debate calling for help, but the stairwell is deserted.
Besides, who would rush to my aide? My friends are too far below us to hear; no one else here cares about me. They'd all probably think I had it coming, that it served me right for being Viry in a Kuzabn compound.
Anders steps toward me. I trip backwards down the stairs, but he grabs my arm and pulls me to him before I can fall.
"Let me go." I struggle against his hold, but he slams me against the wall, his grip holding my right arm over my head, my left hand wedged uselessly against his chest. I try to push, but he's too strong.
"Stop trying to fight the inevitable."
I do cry out then; it's mostly instinctual, but there's also a tiny hope someone nearby does care enough to intervene. No footsteps rush to my rescue, and Anders's mouth smothers mine before I can yell again. I try to pull back, to twist my head away, but he's got me crammed tight. With his free hand, he trails his fingers up my ribcage and over my breast. Every attempt I make to throw him off me is pathetic; even after a week of training, I'm not strong enough to take on a man nearly twice my size.
His mouth is still over mine, his stubble digging into the flesh around my lips. The piercing clinks against my teeth, so I try to rip it out. I can't quite get it situated between my front teeth, though, and the movement of my mouth only seems to encourage Anders.
He drops my right arm and fumbles his fingers into the gap between our waists. My arms are still not in ideal defensive positions, and he's far too heavy, but I know I have to get away from him or this is really going to happen.
I twist my fingers into his hair and pull as hard as I can. Anders just laughs and slides the hand over my breast up to clutch my throat. Instinct kicks in again. My left arm is still wedged between us, so my right loosens my hold on his hair, clawing to free my neck instead.
I feel his finger against my skin just below my bellybutton and I know it's over. The edges of my vision have started fading, but I'm glad. I don't want to be conscious for what happens next.
Then Anders flies off me and I've dropped to the floor. I blink a few times and choke on my rapid breaths, but my vision clears and I see Briar holding Anders by the throat now. Anders's head and upper body are pressed dangerously far over the stair rail.
Hejae stands a few steps above us, watching the scene with that detached expression.
"What's going on here?" His voice is so casual, one would think he was asking about the weather.
"She wanted it." Anders's face is turning red, and he's glaring at Briar.
"I should throw you over right now." Briar spits the words at him. I've never seen Briar this angry, not even when I'd hit him. I'm almost afraid for Anders.
Almost.
"Now, Briar, don't be dramatic." Hejae takes a step down. "There's nothing wrong with a little consensual fun."
Briar whips his head to glare at Hejae as I massage my throat. Surely Hejae doesn't think there was anything consensual about this?
"Nadia, did you want to have sex with this young man?" Hejae says, his voice still annoyingly neutral.
"No!" I try to shout, but the word merely rasps out.
"Ah well." Hejae shrugs. "Mistakes can be made. Intentions misinterpreted. Understandable in this particular case."
Hejae's eyes have hardened now, giving away his true feelings. But it's not me he directs his superior smile to, but Briar.
"Let him go, Briar."
Briar hesitates, then slowly eases off of Anders. Just before releasing him, Briar leans closer. "If I see you near her again, I don't care how pure your intentions, I will throw you over the railing without a thought. Wouldn't be the first time a recruit has cracked under the pressure and jumped to their deaths. No one would question it."
He waits until Anders has rounded the stairs up to the next floor before turning to Hejae. "And if you let something like this happen to your recruits again, Ritter will hear about it."
Briar pushes past Hejae to go upstairs. Maybe to make sure Anders really does go all the way up to his room.
Hejae shakes his head.
"That Briar is so over reactive." He eyes me for a moment. "I told you your beauty wouldn't do you any favors in here. Nice try with the braids, but you're not fooling anyone. And maybe next time, help won't be so close. You should go home the first chance you get."
Hejae steps onto his floor, leaving me huddled on the top stair of the landing. His words repeat through my mind on a continuous loop. Not fooling anyone. Go home. Next time.
Next time.
Training has kept me busy, kept me from craving the blade, but after this, I feel the familiar itch under my skin. I'm worthless and a failure and a disappointment. It's time again for me to try to cut those parts out of me.
*
I'm late to dinner. My appetite vanished the moment I saw Anders in front of my floor and I don't really want to tell my friends what happened. Still, I know it will be worse if I don't go.
"Where've you been?" Eveia asks as soon as I sit down. "Have you been kissing someone?"
"What?" I say sharply. How could they know already?
"Your mouth's all red." Eveia grins wickedly. "Who is it?"
My hand flies up to cup my chin, trying to cover both my mouth and my neck at once. "No one. It's nothing."
I go to get a plate of food, mostly for something to do and an excuse to get away.
Eveia hasn't let it go, though, and peppers me with questions as soon as I return. Wick seems to have joined her curiosity and throws out some teasing comments, but Kaz picks over his meal in silence. I'm glad he at least doesn't seem interested in the topic.
When I still won't answer them, Eveia leans back in her chair. "Wick, I think we'll have to accept that our mystery man will remain just that: a mystery."
I can tell she's trying to goad me, but I don't let her.
Kaz finally speaks. "Let it go, okay? She doesn't want to talk about it; she doesn't have to talk about it."
"I get it," Eveia says. "Nadia's obviously embarrassed she's been caught slumming it."
I drop my fork and bury my face in my hands, pressing the heels of my palms hard against my eyes to keep the tears from falling.
"Wick was right, okay?" I say into the table. "Anders—"
My voice catches, so I stop talking. They understand, though. Eveia's chair topples over, she stands up so fast, and calling Anders a string of swears, "spake" among them. Judging from Kaz's casual use of the word before, I'm guessing it's one of the least offensive words tumbling out of her mouth now.
Even Kaz says, "Nikolai be damned, I'll murder him."
Wick has been patting my arm and asking me if I'm okay, to tell him what happened, or if I need anything. I gather my courage once I'm sure I won't cry again, and lift my head.
"Look," I say, and I'm please my voice is steady. "He forced himself on me. I fought back as best I could, but he would have succeeded if Briar hadn't pulled him off." I don't tell them about Hejae. I don't want to relive any more of it than I have to, and Hejae's response to the whole ordeal was too damaging.
"Well, at least that means Briar knows what a scumbag Anders is," Wick says darkly. "I don't know how I'm going to sleep next to that...that..."
"Toad-spotted foot-licker?" Eveia offers.
"Exactly."
I feel marginally better seeing how quickly these three have rushed to my defense. No questions, no hints that maybe I provoked Anders.
"Can we just change the subject?" I say.
Eveia points at me. "I know what will get your mind off this. Karaoke."
Wick still has a dark scowl on his face, but he nudges my arm then forces a smile.
"Come on, I'll serenade you."
Eveia rights her chair and shakes her head. "Wick, that won't improve anyone's mood."
"Me?" Wick looks at me and jerks his thumb towards her. "Eveia is the real glass-shatterer."
"I'm sure it'll help, regardless," I say. "Really, I just don't want to think about it anymore."
Wick and Eveia beat Kaz and me to an open videogras and start setting it up. Wick yells to us from across the room, holding a white microphone, "Have a seat and I'll serenade you."
"Run while you can, doll." Eveia laughs when Wick shoves her into the couch next to the television.
Wick begins singing a song called "Single Lady" as Kaz and I join Eveia on the couch. Wick is very off-key, but his enthusiasm and dance moves make it a comical experience.
Eveia is scrolling through a list of song options on an electronic tablet. "They've put a bunch of songs all together," she says. "Modernized it a bit. Oh, I know what I'm singing. And you need to sing this."
She passes me the tablet, on which the song "Headstrong" is highlighted. I hand it off to Kaz. I don't think I'm quite ready to sing anything. He starts scrolling and laughs.
"Some of these titles are ridiculous. 'Fat Bottom Girls'?"
I lean over to read them with him. This close, so soon after he's showered, he smells amazing. Sweet, but with a manly spice.
"You should sing it!" Eveia gets up and takes the microphone from Wick.
"Uh, no thanks."
"Respect" by Aretha Franklin scrolls across the TV.
"Pay attention, Wick." Eveia winks at him.
"Are you going to sing something?" I ask Kaz.
"I will if you will."
Wick leans across me. "You just gotta close your eyes and pick one at random. Karaoke roulette. I'm pretty sure Eveia cheated though." He shakes his head at her in mock disappointment.
"All I'm asking, is for a little respect when you get home," she belts out the words. Her voice isn't fantastic, but it's not as pitchy as Wick's.
Kaz closes his eyes and punches his finger at the screen. "'How To Save a Life'," he reads.
I look at him. "Interesting." I take the tablet and scroll back to the song Eveia had chosen for me. "I think I will go next."
"You better not be any good." Kaz lifts an eyebrow at me. "I don't want to have to follow a professional act."
I push myself off the sofa as Eveia's song ends. "Well, you may be a little disappointed."
I take the mic and ignore the slight fluttering in my stomach as the song changes. Being nervous is silly; these are my friends. Besides, I know I can sing.
Maybe I'm nervous they'll reject me if I sing too well. Too late; the words have begun scrolling.
I discover immediately I didn't need to be nervous about being too good. The beat is difficult to follow, the words almost more spoken than sung. Once I reach the bridge, though, I can appreciate Eveia's choice.
"I see your fantasy, you want to make it a reality bathed in gold." The chorus is even better. It's like the song was written specifically for me. "Back off, I'll take you on. Headstrong, to take on anyone. I know that you are wrong and this is not where you belong."
I'm greeted with silence when I finish. Then Wick says simply, "badass."
"Guess it's my turn." Kaz stands and takes the mic. Before he sets the game for his song, he turns to us.
"So, considering our least favorite person walked into the lounge during Nadia's song, I've found what seems to be a slightly more appropriate song."
I turn toward the door, unease twisting my gut. Sure enough, there is Anders leaning against the doorframe.
"Hey, girl, you know you drive me crazy," Kaz starts singing. "One look puts the rhythm in my hand."
He's got a decent voice, a little husky, a little sweet, much like his normal speaking voice.
"Do you feel like a man when you push her around? Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground?" Kaz glowers at Anders while he sings. I can't help smiling, but I'm not sure why. "Well, I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's got to end as your lies crumble down."
Watching the words on the screen as Kaz sings them, I don't think as much of Anders as I do of Zarko. For some reason, as I listen to Kaz, I picture him beating Zarko. Picture him protecting me from all the Zarkos and Anders of the world. And with Wick and Eveia on either side of me, I've never felt safer than at this very moment.
"Face down in the dirt she said this doesn't hurt; she said I've finally had enough." Kaz bows at the end of the song.
We all cheer. Anders has left; I scan the crowd just to be sure, but can't find him anywhere. I hope he's not hanging out near my room again. The thought makes me shudder.
We take turns performing a few more songs, until I'm yawning more than singing.
"I think I'll turn in for the night." I stand.
Wick gets up too. "I'll go to your floor with you."
"She can take care of herself, Wick," Eveia says. "It's not like he'll be able to catch her off guard again. What are you going to do that she can't?" She looks a little too unhappy about the night ending.
"If you want to, I would feel a little better," I say to Wick. "Thanks."
"We could all go," Kaz offers.
I shake my head. I can tell Wick feels somehow responsible for Anders, which is silly, but I'll let him try to make up for his roommate's behavior if it makes him feel better. "You guys don't all need to end the night now. It's fine."
I let Wick enter my room and check the closets and under the beds.
"No monsters?" I grin.
Wick shakes his head sheepishly. "Sorry. I just feel like it's my fault."
"Hey, you tried to warn me to watch out for him. You can't control his actions."
Wick sighs. "Whatever you say. Goodnight, Nadia."
"Sleep well, Wick. Thanks for checking my room."
I get into bed with a smile on my face. Today was terrible, and I'll probably have nightmares.
But it's nice knowing I have people who care so much about me.
-------------------------------------
Yack. Anders is a sketchy right bastard, yea?
Vote, comment, any feedback is great :)
Til next time,
x zuz