I waited patiently for Cammie to come. I wasn't sure what had happened, but in between the aches and burns I felt last night in my restless sleep, I began to feel something very strange. It was a sad feeling mixed in with a twinge of anger directed at myself. The sensation had started making my stomach tumble. All I knew was that I wanted it to stop. And I had a theory that Cammie was the only one who knew how.
The cuts on my body had crusted over and swelled up from infection. They were tinged with yellow pus and reeked of rot. I began to seriously regret ripping the bandages off. And since Cammie was still very upset with me, I assumed it would be a while before she would willing to help me again. Where was she anyways? The bell signaling the opening of visiting hours had rung a few minutes ago.
A few more minutes passed and I started to get nervous. What if she wasn't coming? What if she wasn't ever coming back again? All because of me. A wave of sadness washed over me and suddenly I recognized the feeling I was experiencing: guilt. I felt guilty because I knew that if Cammie never came back it would be my fault. I was the one who scoffed when she shared a part of her life that was clearly a sore subject. Was this seriously what it had come down to? I had truly turned into a monster.
It wasn't as if I had not had my fair share of sick loved ones. Hell I of all people should understand. I was in a prison cell for god's sake. I had just gotten too caught up in my fear of become attached that I reacted harshly. Here was a girl who had taken the time to care for me and all I did in return was treat her like shit.
"F*ck." I sighed and the word echoed around my cell.
"Well that's no way to be spending a Sunday morning." All of sudden Cammie's lovely voice reached my ears and I whipped around to see her standing in the doorway, pinker than ever. On the inside I jumped for joy. However, I didn't want her to know just how glad I was so I gave her a nod.
Cammie stood in the doorway for a few more minutes, still not coming in. I was getting fidgety as she continued to watch me with her yellow eyes.
"Well, I don't have all day."
I furrowed my brows in confusion. What was she talking about? Finally, the truth dawned on me. She wanted me to apologize. I groaned mentally. Apologies were just so embarrassing and all they did was show that you were weak. I remember the first time I ever apologized to her.
We were walking and she was skipping along next to me. The cars on the street strolled by lazily as we headed to the ice cream parlor. The summer sun beat down on us and I could feel sweat causing the hair at the nape of my neck to get all gross and sticky. She was wearing these big heart shaped sunglasses that would have made me scoff if they were on anyone else, but they were on her. And everything just seemed to be perfect if she was the one wearing it. When we finally reached the parlor, we burst in through the door, sighing in relief once the cold air welcomed us. The store owner, Ben, was well acquainted with us and chuckled when he saw the sweaty state we were in.
"I'm assuming the usual?" He asked.
She nodded eagerly and I just smiled. I was too mesmerized by the way she looked. She always looked that way. The way you look when you have not a trouble in the world and everything is just falling right into place. And though she always looked that way, I could never get enough of it. I could honestly stare into her eyes for all eternity and never get bored.
Before I even realized it, she had dragged me to a cute little booth near the window. I was still gazing at her. She giggled when she caught me staring.
"Don't be so creepy, Danny!" She teased and I immediately blushed and looked away.
My face was beet red as I looked out the window, refusing to look back at her. Suddenly, I felt the lightest touch on my hands. I looked down to see that she had intertwined her hands with mine. They were smooth and cold from the nice air conditioning.
"ORDER UP!" Ben's booming voice surfaced from behind us and her hand left my vice-like grip.
"I'll be right back ok?" Her eyes were kind and I let her go.
As she stood up though, her foot got caught on mine and she tripped. I was too slow to catch her and she stumbled a little. Immediately, I helped her up and began to apologize profusely.
"I'm so so sorry," I gasped out and she laughed.
"You're too nice Danny."
That's what she had said to me. That I was too nice. Back then, I was always apologizing. All I did was try to appease other people. And it got me nowhere. In the end, I couldn't even save her. I was weak and pathetic.
"I'm still waiting."
Cammie's voice interrupted my thoughts and I suddenly remember what she was waiting for. However, I refused. I refused to admit that I was in the wrong although I knew I was. Cammie needed to see that I wasn't some cuddly teddy bear. I was a broken monster and she needed to leave now. I snarled at her.
"F*ck off," I hoped she would get the idea that I didn't want her anymore. All feelings of guilt from before had vanished. I needed to stop playing some sort of game with this girl. Everything was perfect before she showed up. If I could just get back to that serenity.
"Again with the vulgar language. Don't you ever listen?"
Her words made me even angrier and I turned away. I was breathing heavily now and she needed to leave before I lost control. But being the stubborn bull that she was, Cammie continued.
"Is it that hard to apologize, Danny boy?
I immediately lost it when she called me that. I whirled around and walked right up to the bars so I was just a few feet from the doorway where she stood.
"Why don't you go back to where you came from? Maybe you'll die just like your brother is going to."
It was the longest I had ever spoken to her and I instantly saw the pain in her eyes. The tears welled up and started to spill over the edge. The damage was done and I felt absolutely no remorse. As she ran away, I laughed.
That night, the monster attacked with renewed vigor.
She has seen you for what you really are. Congratulations.
I closed my eyes and braced myself for the long night.
The next day it was very humid. My cell felt very sticky and suffocating. The air was so thick that I could almost grasp the empty space before my eyes. My wounds had only worsened and I reluctantly disinfected them with urine. Some days I wondered why I even bothered to keep myself alive.
So you can suffer for what you did to her.
The bell rang. At the sound I instinctively looked up at my doorway. Cammie's bright pink hair crossed my mind. I shook my head violently. Cammie wasn't going to come back. She had run away and I had wanted her to leave. She was nothing but a nuisance. For some reason though, I felt slightly empty inside. Cammie's absence seemed to create a huge space in my cell and I was left slightly depressed.
Pushing my feelings aside, I concluded that I would adjust to solitude once again. I walked over to my bars and slumped against them, facing my wall. The face was not as malicious today. I stared at the cracks of the mouth. They were slightly curved upwards in a sort of expression where it wasn't exactly a smile but it gave me a warm feeling. The coldness of the bars pressed against my back. My vision went dark as I was thrown into another flashback.
"Danny!" her voice was shrill and I ducked as a pillow went hurling over my head.
"Great aim!" I yelled back.
"Why do you always have to be such an asshole?!" She screamed and this time, I wasn't fast enough to avoid the glass vase.
It smashed against my right shoulder and I collapsed among the shards. My shoulder stung like a bitch and I instantly heard her harsh gasp. In a flash her beautiful face appeared over my head. All traces of anger were gone and she was clearly worried sick.
"Oh my gosh! Danny I'm so sorry! I completely thought you were going to dodge it! Damn it this is all my fault!" She began to tear up and I hid my smile. She was too cute for her own good.
Despite the ache in my shoulder I reached up and brushed her tears away.
"It's alright. Doesn't hurt that bad anyways." I smiled and she looked relieved but still skeptical.
"We are still going to the hospital." She scolded and I groaned.
I laid on the floor as she bustled around the house, cleaning up the mess we made. When she finished, she slung my arm over her shoulders and she supported me to the car. Step by step we made it to the car door. She owned a BWM and I remember how she pulled open the door with shaky hands. As she crouched down to help me into the seat, I bumped my head on the edge of the roof. I grunted and we froze, staring at each other. Her eyes filled with worry once again.
Suddenly I burst out laughing. I rubbed my forehead and continued to laugh wildly. Soon she joined in. We must have looked like a pair of fools on the driveway. We were both out of breath. I was halfway in the passenger seat with a bleeding shoulder and a bright red forehead. She was standing outside the car, her blonde hair sticking out like crazy. And we were both laughing.
But all was forgiven.
Because we always came back to each other.
Suddenly, my ears picked up the silent shuffle of feet. I craned my neck to see through the bars and my jaw dropped when the familiar pink hair appeared.
Cammie had come back again.
I gaped at her. Why in the world would she come back? I continued to stare at her in shock as she took a seat against the wall across from the bars. I tried to get a good look at her face to see if she was angry or sad. I just wanted to know what she was thinking. But Cammie paid me no heed. Her pink hair fell in waves and covered her face. She took out a small device which I recognized as a brand new iPod. She plugged in white beats headphones and closed her eyes.
We stayed like that for a while. Me just staring in surprise and confusion. Her just sitting there listening to her music. I turned back around to face my own wall. She wasn't worth wasting time over. Cammie was clearly messed up in the end. The entire hour, I refused to look at her. Eventually, the bell rang for the second time, signaling that visiting hours were over. I heard Cammie get up and walk out. I didn't turn around.