A.N. I don't know if ye know who Stromae but I decided to include one of my favourite songs of his. It is in French though so you might not understand it. Oh ya the video is kind of weird btw hahaha. Enjoy :)! Actually I shouldn't say enjoy because it is about cancer...but you know what I mean.
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Dearest Talia,
I'm fucked up...that's all I can say really. I'm fucked up because I've been fucked over too many times. I know it's probably too late now to explain myself but I must otherwise I couldn't live with myself.
I should have known that you'd never do anything to hurt me. I trust you and that's something hard for me to do ever since Alexia. I don't want to use her as an excuse as my actions were in excusable but everything that's wrong with me stems from her.
I wish I could go back to how I was before...before Raoul died. But I can't. I try and get over what she did to me. Every waking moment I thought about her and the hate I had for her until I met you. I started to move on but then she ruined everything once again. All the anger and hate for her suddenly came boiling back up to the surface and it blew up in your face.
I started to think back on everything that happened between me and you and I started to draw similarities between you and Alexia. I jumped to conclusions when I really shouldn't have. I thought that you had been playing me like she had. I was paranoid that it was too good to be true for us.
When you agreed to marry Cassio, it...it destroyed me. And I left because I couldn't see you happy with someone else.
I thought when we reunited that everything was going great and that something would happen between us besides the casual hook-up and then I ruined everything by acting like a jackass. I thought you were leaving me for him again and when you told me the truth I was too far gone to believe you. All my bottled up emotions came flying out. I took everything out on you because I couldn't deal with you being another Alexia.
When I think back on my actions, I realise that I'm fucked up and I don't know how you'd ever want to be with someone like me. You deserve better...but I can't help but love you and hope that there is some way that we can move on from this.
I'm going to give you some space. If you feel like there is any chance you could forgive me, then please reply.
I'm sorry, I really am.
Iver
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The ink began to run as my tears soaked the page. I wiped them away from my face with my sleeve. I sobbed quietly to myself as I quickly scanned over the letter once again.
I didn't think that these letters would affect me that much. I my only wish was that I had seen these when he first sent them. I had always assumed that he had never tried to contact me. That's where all my hate had really stemmed from at the moment.
I started to forgive him a while ago for his actions that night the more I reflected on it but I could never forgive him for never contacting me and now it seems he had. And instead of him looking like an asshole, I was the one who looked like a heartless bitch to him for never replying for a whole year and then sending them all opened back to him.
I wiped the last of my tears away and grabbed the next couple of letters and read each of them carefully. There was a letter for every month for the last four years. He had stopped after that and there wasn't any more for the last year before we met again.
My heart broke into pieces as I read a passage from one letter,
'It's our child's first birthday...give or take a few days. I bought a cake and lit a candle. I would send a gift but I doubt that you would appreciate that. I wish I knew what our child's name is or what they looked like. Does our child have their mother's eyes, hair? Does it look like me at all? What were our child's first words? I don't think I'll ever know but that's my fault. I wish I could be there'
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He had missed out on so much and it looked like I had deprived him of that. I never thought about how he had missed his first words, his first birthday, when he took his first steps, his first day of school. I had been too bitter to think about these things.
I know if the situation had been reversed I would not have been so understanding. I would have beaten down his door to see my child. I could not have gone four years with no contact with my child.
I rested my head in the palm of my hand and let my tears silently stream down my face, defeated. I finally ripped open the last letter with shaking hands and whispered out loud to myself what was written there.
"I don't think I'll ever be forgiven. I'll try and move on because I think that's what you want me to do. Maybe you're right. Maybe I shouldn't have a part of our child's life. I'd only corrupt and ruin it cause that's all I can manage to do right lately. Please remember Talia that I will always love you and our child."
I tried to stop the tears welling in the corners of my eyes from shedding onto the page but it was futile. All the anger I held for him over the last four years began to slowly dissolve. I couldn't even move from the couch I was so emotionally drained.
I sat on the couch for a while but one little thought kept coming into mind every few minutes. Who had received and read my letters?
I plucked the first letter from the pile once again and double checked the date and address. It was my address for my old apartment but on the back was a small stamp saying that it had been forwarded onto a different address.
It was Callie's address which I had left with the new tenants of my old apartment. I had moved in with Callie for a brief period of time while I searched for a new apartment that I could afford.
I searched the cushions of the couch for my phone and quickly dialled Callie's house number. I waited to hear her answer but instead Pierre picked up.
"Halo Pierre. Is Callie there?" I asked while chewing nervously on my nail. I wasn't sure if I wanted to find out or not if she had been keeping the letters from me.
"Ehhh no actually. She popped out about an hour ago. Do you want me to pass on any messages" he asked. I was about to say no but then I thought why not ask Pierre about the letters because if I asked Callie outright then she might try to deny it.
"No I'm good. But Pierre did any letters ever arrive for me while I was staying with ye or even after I moved out?" I asked while scratching my head.
"N-n-no I...I don't think so Talia" he stuttered. I frowned to myself, it sounded like he was lying.
"Are you sure Pierre? Because I have some letters here that were addressed to me to your apartment but were opened and returned to the sender."
He sighed in defeat and then whispered, "I did it to protect you. And before you start screaming at me I need to explain myself. You didn't see yourself after what happened in London Talia. You were a shell of your former self. You wouldn't ever talk about what happened. You also didn't know it but me and Callie could hear you crying in your room at night. He destroyed you.
So when the letters started arriving I tried to hide them from you because you had just started to get over him and I didn't want him to break your heart again.
I sent them back to him in the end because I wanted him to know that even after those letters you still didn't want him which would mean that he would leave you alone and maybe you could have a future with someone else who would actually be good for you"
My voice broke out into a sob as I whispered down the phone, "You had no right Pierre. You had no right! Did Callie know about this?"
"No. No she didn't. Talia you are like a sister to me, I had to try and protect you-"
"Pierre not only did you deprive Iver of hearing about his son from me, you also deprived Raoul of a father for the first five years of his life. I don't know how long it will be before I can forgive you for that. I know why did it but you honestly had no right" I ended the phone call there as I hung up on him.
I leaned back on the couch and stared up at the ceiling. My life was in shambles all over again. Everything I had come to believe about Iver for the last five years had been upheaved. I didn't know what to do.
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I avoided Iver the next day as he came to pick up Raoul to bring him to playschool. I wasn't ready to deal with him yet. I felt like all my old scars had been ripped back open. I couldn't deal from the emotional overload I was experiencing. I felt like I was pregnant again.
My heart ached at the thought of how much Iver missed out on as I watched him walk with Raoul out of the building. Iver was smiling at something Raoul said and he reached down to ruffle his curly hair. Raoul giggled and jumped out of reach of Iver's long arms. They strolled down the street and I noticed that Raoul was subtly copying Iver's walk. I smiled at how cute they were together and then turned away from the window.
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I rushed from the gallery to the playschool to pick up Raoul. It was already 3 o clock. I was so late. By the time I arrived Raoul was walking out the front door with Iver trailing after.
I stopped dead in my tracks when I realised how stupid I had been. It was Iver's turn to pick and drop off Raoul. I rolled my eyes at my own stupidity.
Before I could say anything Raoul ran towards me and jumped up into my arms, the spikes on his dinosaur hat brushing against my face. I rested him against my hip, trying to distribute his weight. He was getting heavier each day.
"Maman, Madame was showing us stuff about Italy and she asked if anyone knew any Italian. So I put up my hand and...and I counted to ten in Italian and I got a sticker for being really smart. Look!" he shouted while bouncing up and down in my arms and pulling at his jumper to show me his new sticker on the breast-pocket of his jumper.
"Wow that's amazing, mon petit chou!" I exclaimed while kissing him on the cheek. I tickled his sides a little, he squealed and jumped out of my arms and back onto the ground.
"You'll have to come to Italy now with me and Papa so you can see me speaking in Italian. I can order all the gelato I want now!" He screeched while practically buzzing from excitement. His big blue eyes stared up at me expectantly.
I couldn't say no now. I couldn't let him down. I smiled, made eye contact with Iver and whispered, "Of course"
A.N. So here is the long awaited chapter 43. I would like to thank everyone for their lovely supportive comments on the last Author's Update. There were a few not so nice ones but the majority were lovely and really kind. Thank you so much guys. It means a lot to me that many of ye would stick with this story even though it has been awhile since I updated.
And to all the people who gave out saying that I'm inconsiderate for not updating ye on what is going on. I would like to point out that if I haven't updated for quite some time I always send a message out to my followers. I don't like to post on my story because I feel as if I'm getting some people's hopes up cause some think it's a chapter update and then they get really disappointed when they see it isn't.
I would also like to point out that I am not paid to write, I write because I enjoy it and I originally posted on Wattpad solely for myself to challenge and improve my writing. Then people started to like my work and I started writing not only for myself but for ye guys as well. And that becomes stressful as people are demanding updates and some people who commented find it difficult to understand that it is difficult to balance everything and write a novel on the side. The only time I really have free time to write is at the weekend but that is the only time I can meet my friends who are located around the country who I rarely ever see. I have seen my best friends about 3 times since I started university. And when I'm not meeting my friends I'm studying for exams or I'm seeing my family.
Sometimes it is just too difficult to update and I'm sorry for that, for letting ye guys down.
To all the people saying that I will never finish this book, I solemnly swear that I will. I don't like not finishing things. THIS BOOK WILL BE FINISHED EVEN IF IT KILLS ME!
Anyway I hope ye enjoyed this chapter and I hope ye feel a little less anger towards Iver.
Please vote and comment. Thank you :)