Although Alec was oddly content with the way things were, he couldn't pretend that some days were harder to get through than others. Most of the time, it was fairly easy to be around Jace, to interact with and fight beside him, temporarily pushing his feelings aside. Ater all, in his own words, emotions were nothing more than a distraction, especially when there were more pressing matters at hand. He could even fake a smile once in a while, an act that even he admitted didn't happen often enough for anyone to notice whether the expression was truly genuine or not. Alec had his dreams, and although they provided him with at least a little comfort, sometimes they simply weren't enough.
When Alec would awake to find that Jace wasn't beside him as he had previously been imagining, the pain would hit him in the same way a tsunami would ravage a defenseless city, and he would have to all but force his legs to move. Sitting on the end of the bed and staring down at his shaking hands he would eventually stand, slipping on his leather jacket and taking a quick glance at the reflection he saw in the mirror. He would put on a brave face, wiping his red-rimmed eyes and taking a number of deep breaths, doing these actions until he was certain that he was okay enough to face the rest of the world. Alec would step out of his room, closing the door gently behind him and making his way down the corridor lined with stained-glass windows that caused red, green, and blue prisms to filter down upon the carpet.
It was when he entered the main area of the Shadowhunters institution and saw him, the light shining onto his features and proving what an angel he truly was, that it took everything Alec had not to simply turn around, wanting nothing more than to return to his bed and the solace of the dreams that came with it. Being around Jace was becoming more and more of a daily struggle, Alec avoiding as much contact as he possibly could, but most importantly, never allowing Jace to look into his eyes, for fear of what he may see reflected in them. This was a task that was easier said than done, however, and sometimes Alec simply couldn't help himself, his gaze finding its way to Jace even without it being a conscious effort. He was drawn to him, in every sense of the word, and although he could mask his sadness, it was impossible to completely hide both the physical and emotional attraction he felt towards Jace.
On this particular Thursday morning, when the wind caused the branches of the trees outside to buckle and bend under the force of yet another winter storm, there was a sense of looming disaster floating around the four walls, a sort of foreboding that none of the inhabitats could see, yet all of them could feel. Alec couldn't pinpoint why or what this evil was; all he knew was that he himself was feeling particuarly miserable, the rain that fell outside of the window matching his mood perfectly, the dark skies mirroring the darkness inside of him.
He, along with Izzy and Clary, were currently seated in the makeshift living room, a space that was nothing more than a cramped area with three chairs and a faded loveseat positioned in the corner, between a row of wooden bookshelves lined with thick layers of dust. The two women were chattering animatedly about some sort of new fashion item, while Alec was simply there, staring blankly off into space. "What a beautiful day."
He heard Jace's approach before he saw him, appearing from somewhere upstairs. The black T-shirt he was wearing was lined with various creases and wrinkles, Alec taking notice of the way the article of clothing stretched across his broad chest and showed the muscles hiding underneath. His blonde hair lay messy and uncombed atop his head, still damp from his shower, the scent of his aftershave reaching Alec's nostrils in the most intoxicating of ways. It was evident that Jace had just awoken and was still not fully put together, but Alec had never remembered a time in which the man before him had looked so flawless, so much so that the act of looking anywhere but at him seemed impossible. Clary seemed to take notice as well, jumping out of her seat and running to meet him, throwing her arms around his waist, Jace leaning down to gently place his lips against her forehead. The smile that he gave the red-haired girl caused that same crushing pain to creep into Alec's chest, Izzy turning her head slightly to give her brother a knowing sympathetic glance before turning back towards the embracing couple. "The weatherman said this storm was supposed to last through the weekend; something about a blizzard coming in from the North."
"Since when do you watch the weather?" Jace replied, and between the alluring sound of his voice and the way his lips began to curl up into a smirk, Alec found himself fighting the urge to get up and walk away, if only to escape his own emotions and maintain the thinning grip he held on his self-control.
Izzy began twirling a strand of jet black hair with a hot pink-painted fingernail. "I keep up with the weather when it's necessary," she laughed. "such as when I'm deciding what to wear. I can't wear suede when it's pouring down rain, and I can't wear black when it's ninety-degrees outside."
"You always wear black," Clary countered. "It doesn't matter if it's eighty-degrees or fifty, you're always in something black.
"What can I say?" Izzy said, eyes sparkling. "I'm a Lightwood. We've been looking better in black than the widows of our enemies since 1234. Isn't that right, Alec?"
Alec nodded once and returned to his previous action of absently picking at his fingernails, and he had been doing this for so long that flakes of skin were beginning to fall upon his dark jeans. Realizing that he wasn't in the mood for conversation, Izzy shrugged and stood up, using the back of her hands to smooth down the mini-dress she was wearing. "So, what's on our agenda for today?"
Jace hesitated, and almost as if on cue, a loud rumble of thunder sounded from above, causing all four of them to jump at the sudden disturbance. "I think it's past time we found more information on to where Valentine is hiding Clary's mother," he began. "and although I know today isn't the best day to go out anywhere, I suggest we visit Magnus to see if he can create a spell to retrieve any memories that Clary may have forgotten when she was cast out of her world and into ours."
"Why?" Alec couldn't help but ask. He hadn't seen Magnus in over a week, and although the excuse of going to his place was one that he readily gave out whenever he would leave the institute, the truth was that he dreaded the sight of him, and avoided it any costs. At first, the newfound relationship was a welcome distraction, anything to get his mind off of Jace--and it wasn't like he didn't try. He tried to fall in love with the warlock, to find feelings for him somewhere deep inside of his heart. After all, Magnus had been pursuing him ever since their first encounter earlier in the year, asking him out on countless dates before Alec had ever agreed to have a drink with him at his apartment across town, and he so desperately tried to feel for him in the same way he did for Alec, who knew all too well how it felt to be in love with someone who simply didn't and couldn't love them back. However, after months and months of pretending, it had become clear that there was simply no use in trying to get his mind off of Jace, because it had gotten to the point where he was all Alec ever thought about. Each time he would kiss Magnus, he would close his eyes and picture Jace instead, falling asleep in his arms and wishing more than anything that it would be Jace holding him when he awoke. This was when his dreams had first begun, when he would begin to imagine the scenarios that brought him both so much joy and so much pain.
"Getting Clary's mother back safe and sound is our number one priority, Alec," Jace's reply brought him back to reality and away from his thoughts, and Alec wondered if anyone else noticed the slight edge to his voice as he spoke. "You know that as well as I do. Up until now, we haven't had much to go on in the way of leads, and that's why we're going to need all of the help that we can possibly get. Magnus will be very useful in helping us do this."
Alec rolled his eyes, an action that was as second nature to him as breathing was, and he watched Jace, Clary, and Izzy make their way towards the glass-plated table in the center of the room before he did the same, coming to stand beside his sister.
The next ten minutes were spent discussing various tactics and going over plans of attack if needed, and by the time the four Shadowhunters exited the protective barriers of their home, Alec was already becoming exhausted, both with today's events and the way Jace had draped his jacket and a strong arm around Clary's shivering shoulders when they had entered the rattletrap van they used for missions like these. The wind was even more bitter and cold than before, and Izzy reached into the purse that seemed to be as much a part of her as the jewel-encrusted choker she wore around her neck, retrieving a tiny compact mirror for which she used to reapply her dark lipstick, all the while muttering a few complaints about the current state of her hair.
Alec spent the duration of the car ride ride watching droplets of rain streak across the windshield, holding on to the edge of his seat for support when they would drive across wooded areas, places where the sun that was just beginning to creep out from the clouds hadn't yet had a chance to melt the sheets of ice on the road. On any other day, this journey wouldn't have taken any more than twenty minutes, but the weather and the traffic once they reached the highway caused the trek to take a little over an hour.
When they finally did arrive, the clock on the vehicle's barely-working radio read five forty-three, and Alec was noticeably slower in stepping out into the evening chill, pausing to take yet another deep breath before reluctantly following behind the others.
As usual, Alec faded into the shadows upon arrival to the warlock's home, offering Magnus a small smile and trying to ignore the way the warlock kept glancing at him out of the corner of his eye, obviously inquisitive as to his standoffish behavior. He allowed Jace to do all of the talking, explaining how imperative it was that they returned Clary's mother safe and sound, describing how she had been taken by the most malevolent demon any of them had ever faced, a man who also happened to be Clary's father. Eventually, Magnus admitted that he did have a plan, and as he led them down to the basement-like area where he performed all of his spells, Alec was once again hit with a strange sinking sensation, his heart beginning to race for reasons he couldn't understand. The Shadowhunters, along with Magnus, began to form a circle around the center of the room, and Alec wondered if Izzy had intentionally gone to stand beside Clary, leaving him to stand beside none other than Jace. With sweaty palms, he reached for his hand, and almost instantaneously, everything else around him disappeared. The sensation of Jace's skin against Alec's own was all he could feel, all he ever wanted to feel. It sent a shock of electricity racing down his spine, and Alec could only pray that Jace didn't notice.
In fact, Alec was so caught up in the fact that his fingers were interlaced with Jace's that he didn't hear Magnus' instructions, and it was only when the words were repeated that they truly began to sink in. We must each relinquish a beloved memory of the one we love the most. And in that moment, Alec's world stopped.
By the time he had realized what was being implied, the spell was already in motion, and the demon image had already begun to manifest. He could pretend that it would be the face of his sister, or even Magnus. He could pretend to be oblivious, to not understand what was happening, but he knew, and so did Izzy. Her own face mirrored the fear and uncertainty that Alec himself was experiencing, and she too fought the urge to look away when the circle reached her brother and the pillar of smoke emanated from his chest.
From there, things seemed to happen in slow motion. The demon contorted and twisted, and from the darkness, appeared a haunting hallucination of Jace, a man who was currently staring at Alec in disbelief and shock. His eyes were wide, refusing to believe what he was seeing, and his hands began to shake from where they were still entwined with Alec's.
This couldn't be happening. "No!" Alec exclaimed aloud, and he couldn't help but hope that this was some sick part of the dream, and that he was bound to wake up at any moment. This couldn't be happening. The same thought kept racing through his jumbled mind, causing him to feel dizzy and faint. He felt almost physically sick, his gaze darting from the image of Jace to Jace himself, and then back to the demon image.
"Alec, it's okay." He heard Izzy call to him from across the circle, but it sounded as if she was millions of miles away. Jace couldn't find out. Not like this. Not ever. "No!" he repeated, and in an instinctive decision that he knew could very well cost all of them their lives, he released his grip on the hands bounding the spell together. He didn't wait to see what the consequences would be, nor did he bother to listen to the voices yelling for him to stop; he simply ran, hoping that by doing so, he would outrun the fact that Jace now knew, in no uncertain terms, that Alec was in love with him.