A/n this song is basically Lexas thoughts.. It's why she thinks she's so curious about Clarke. It's easier for me to write in Lexa's point of view because I identify with her so much.. Would it be okay if I continued the story in her point of view and occasionally when shit gets real, throw in some Clarke POV.. Please let me know your feedback means a lot. Also please listen to the songs.. Then inspire a lot of the situations that happened in this story.
Outside POV:
Lexa tossed and turned in her sleep. The past couple days she was so stressed with this recent change in her life she didn't realize she had stopped doing something important. Something that helped her survive everyday. She stopped doing what Costia did. And in the end of killed Costia.. So what would it do to her. The young girl still hadn't realize her faults as she woke up and got ready for her day. With the conversation she had with Clarke on her mind the blonde seemed to be wedging her way into Lexa's everyday life. Which was odd because Lexa barely ever thought about anyone but her family. She never knew anyone well enough or cared about anyone enough to stress herself out over someone she didn't consider family.
Lexa was having a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that she cared for he blonde.. She didn't want to accept it. She tried convincing herself it was because she saw herself in Clarke. But we all know that's not why.
Raven saw this an an opportunity. She saw her best friend in the whole world and member of her little man made family finally showing interest in someone other than her or her siblings/uncle/cousin. She saw her Lexa letting herself feel after years of different methods of coping. Little did she know it was because Lexa was doing what Costia had done.
Even Titus noticed Lexa had changed. Yes he wanted to set up Lexa with Clarke, because it the stories he heard were true Clarke was bisexual as fuck and in dire need of some new love. And they were both hurting. But Titus didn't expect to see Lexa stepping out of her comfort zone.. Coming to set, and interacting with the blonde.. He thought it would take time. This wasn't the Lexa he knew. And he wasn't sure how he felt about it.
@ Lexa woods: today's outfit. Courtesy of
@ daddyreyes because sometimes best friends can't even butt out of your wardrobe.
Lexa
I walked out of my home feeling both comfortable and very gay. Raven wanted to pick out my outfit after our conversation yesterday about Clarke.I let her, but it wasn't like that. I didn't want anything romantic of friendly with Clarke.. We were co-workers and I wanted to understand her from a professional point of view. But also.. I was curious, I wanted to know if she held the same pain as me, processed it the same way as me. Because at the end of the day when I looked into her eyes all I saw was me. Her beautiful blue eyes held more pain than anyone could bare and I wasn't going to exploit it.. No, but.. Oh I don't know.
Stop making excuses for why you want to understand her.. It's not a bad thing.
Costia's voice rang in my head and I realized I forgot to take my anti-depressants.
Yea you were so excited to see Clarke you forgot to take the one thing that helped block me out.
I rubbed my temples vigorously. Jesus not today.I climbed into my car and turned up the radios volume as soon as the car started."No no no not today. Please not today. " I said to myself as I ran a hand through my rugged brown locks. The music helped. As I got closer to the set my thoughts were jumbled and I felt really odd. Usually me forgetting to take my pills one day doesn't affect me this much and I thought about when was the last time I took a pill.. The day Clarke had the meltdown. Its been three days and the affects just started to show. I knew my eyes were dull and cold. I tried to smile as I walked into the building but it turned into a grimace as my face felt heavy and stiff.
Stop forcing it Lexa, face it.. Artificial happiness is just that. Fake. A pill can't make you happy.
I walked through the double doors of the set and spotted Clarke right away.. She was sitting next to octavia. Her cheeks were flushed and her head was softly placed on Octavia's shoulder. I felt like I was underwater. I heard muffles voices and sounds. But couldn't quite comprehend the words thrown my way as I looked at her. She looked beautiful. She was wearing a white, black striped jacket with blue jeans and nikes. Her hair brushed to the side and her face free of makeup. But maybe it was how the light poured in from the open window or how her eyes seemed to flutter closed but she truly looked beautiful. Her eyes found mines and I could have sworn they raked over my body before they met my eyes. She looked beside me and then looked back confused. This shook me out of my thoughts as I looked next to me where her eyes once were and I realized Titus was trying to get my attention.
"How long have you been standing there" I said while looking around making sure no one saw my little episode. Titus looked amassed. His hand touched my forehead and he squinted.
"Are you okay?.. You seem off" he uttered quite loudly getting the attention of a lot of the cast surrounding us.
I simply repeated my question and he responded with 2 and a half minutes.
"Jesus Titus.. What were you saying." I rubbed my head realizing he was probably speaking while I eye raped Clarke and that's why she looked so confused.
"You have dinner with your Uncle Gustus, Anya, Lincoln, Nyko, Raven and Echo, this weekend. You also have an interview with Cordelia Carter. And you have the attend the Ilichey panel along with some members of the cast next Tuesday." He read off the iPad. I slowly nodded.
My hands were sweaty and I really did not feel well. My eyes found Clarke once more but this time she was in a heated discussion with Octavia.
She looked defeated, Octavia seemed to be making some good points because Clarke was constantly looking at the hands.
"Titus.." I said getting his attention. He was on a phone call. "If anyone needs me I'll be in my break room.. Make sure they don't" I clarified and quickly made my way over to the dark and empty room no one guessed I would be using. I was so dizzy. I used the door to steady myself closing it behind me.
What am I doing.. Why do I feel like this. Surely I've missed some days of medication before.. Even weeks. But I've never felt like this. Flashes of Clarke yelling at me with tears streaming down her face came and went in my head and the feeling of tiredness I always carried within me was replaced with pain.
Oh old friend how I don't miss you. My hands went to find my phone. To call Raven, to call someone to bring me the pills that overcame my senses and made me a machine. But I couldn't bring myself to press the call button.
Half of me wanted to be empty. Tired and emotionless. But the other part, the other half was my teenage self. The part that wanted to be punished and to feel pain. To suffer and feel the pain I caused those around me for so many years.
I saw my bag on the chair next to me and pulled out my laptop.
The lies behind the pill and the life of the broken one.
Chapter 1:
Alex was gone. Dead. I wonder if she ever existed. I wonder if it was just my mind playing tricks on me because a lot of the time I found myself believing the life Alex lived wasn't my own, but some really unfortunate girl with the saddest life. I never meant for the story be published and I never meant for my life to turn into this. It's both a blessing and a curse. Because I live a double life.. Everything seems so perfect on the outside and I try so hard for it to be seen that way. But the things that go through my head aren't normal and I was scared- and still am, that if the world saw or heard the things that went on in my mind I would be seen as for the pariah and psycho that I am. I never imagined my book would get published and so many people would be touched by my story. Because yes- at the end of the day it's my story. I was Alex. Celia only existed within the lies of ink, Costia was my love that killed herself when I was 16. The love that I killed-
My hands stilled as I realized what I was writing. Was I willing to let the world see me as the fucked up 24 year old I was. I would probably just delete it later on but for now it felt so good to let go. To release the pain and the truth. Writing without those pills blocking me felt so good. I was ready to continue but..
For the second time today someone seemed to be trying to get my attention. I quickly closed the laptop and shot up to see Clarke standing in the doorway with her arms crossed across her chest. She wasn't mad, she simply seemed to be waiting.
"You seem to be spacing out a lot today.." She said tucking a strand of hair behind her ears.
"How long have you been standing there Ms. Griffin" I said swallowing the urge to call her Clarke. I didn't trust my voice to not say her name like she was the last drop of water in the Sahara.She looked at the ground and back up at me.. Her eyes searching for something within me..All we have shared were looks and small meaningless conversations and I already felt pulled towards thing beautiful blonde. I was so confused. Yes I've had lovers, Raven being one of them at one awkward point in our lives, and Costia. But with Costia our love grew over time and I wasn't this attracted to her at firs-
What am I saying oh my god, why am I thinking all of this I've barely fucking spoken to this girl. psycho.
After what seemed like a lifetime but was probably only 30 seconds she looked down at her watch and Spoke."Well... It's Clarke..- and I've officially been her foooorr... 5 minutes" she softly smiled. I threw my head back and groaned. "Oh god.. That long" I said feeling some color return to my cheeks. That groan wasn't only embarrassment but the fact that she smiled at me.Jesus was I bad at this whole attractive woman thing. I mean I see them all the time but I don't usually have to talk to them.She laughed softly at my statement. I moved my stuff offering her a place to sit as I sat next to her."Not to be rude, but did you want something?" I said opening up my laptop and quickly exiting out the page with the long written confession that I was who I was so scared to be."Oh yeah.. I kinda wanted to apologize for my I unprofessionalism a couple days ago.. I really don't want you to see me as this childish brat actress. " she said looking at her hands for like the 4th time today. I ducked my head to try and get her eyes to follow mines."It's okay.. Clarke, If I was in your shoes I would have done the same thing..no need to apologize. I've educated myself on the situation and I'm proud to have such a strong and beautiful girl playing the lead in my show." That last part spilled before I could stop myself and I wanted to cover my mouth but I was in too deep.Color quickly rushed to her cheeks. "You read.. A-about what happened?" She asked.. I realized I also probably shouldn't of said that. "Y-yeah I mean.. You were so upset and I felt really bad that .. It happened to you and I sort of read up so i could avoid putting anything else like that in the script" I said trying to save my skin. She smiled. A real smile. And I was suddenly underwater again. My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest and suddenly it was the only thing I would hear. Her smile shifted as her lips moved. She was saying something. But I still couldn't hear, my heart was beating far too loudly. She repeated herself and I was lost. How could someone dull someone's senses with just a smile. Her hand found mine and she looked worried. I examined her face. The way her lips didn't quite frown when she was worried but they turn into a straight line, the way her eyes squint, trying to find the problem. Her cheeks flush and her eyes look just a little more blue with the change of emotion.
Her hand let go of my hand and she went to shake me. This drew me out of my head."What?- sorry I've been spacing out and not feeling well all day" I said placing my head In my hands. She placed a hand on my back and softly rubbed, my back stiffened. "Hey it's okay.. I was asking if you wanted to get something to eat. I'm not needed anymore today..but it's alright another time" she went to get up but my hand stopped her. "No I'd love to" I said softly smiling. She looked at me questioningly and I just nodded. "Alright then let's go eat"
Clarke's outfit.