"Ayon! Javee! I thought you snubbed me!" Justin exclaimed, greeting me with a lopsided smile on his face.
I returned his grin with a friendly nod. Lumapit si Justin to embrace me but before he could take more steps, Racel blocked him and pushed his friend away.
"Back off," biro niya.
Justin only laughed, raised his hands, and stepped aside to give way to us. He opened the door wide enough.
"Possessive asshole. Come inside. They're here na," he said, walking inside their house.
Humigpit ang kapit ko sa braso ni Racel. Anxiety suddenly nagged at the back of my head. I didn't know about this. Kanina ko pa talaga gustong mag-back out. It was Justin's birthday. We'd be celebrating at his place and I was sure as hell that everyone invited today were from Centrex. News could spread 'pag makita nila ako or worse, if mahalata nila na may kakaiba sa 'min ni Racel.
The only reason lang naman why I even agreed to come was because I thought Ahron would go, too. But my babe had an emergency at the last minute. Kaya heto, ang ending tuloy, si Racel ang kasabay kong magpunta. I wanted to tell him na ayoko nang tumuloy but the happy smile on his face made me double think.
Now I was having cold feet.
Racel made a move to enter. I pulled him back, making him turn to me.
"What's wrong?" he asked, his forehead creasing.
"What if I'll just give my gift and go?" I played with my fingers.
His brows arched in confusion. "Why? Ayaw mo nang pumasok?"
"Not that . . . Puro Centrex students kasi ang nasa loob," I said slowly, hoping he'd get the meaning.
Which he easily did because understanding crossed his eyes. Justin came back in that second.
"Hey, what's taking you so long?"
Racel darted to him. "Who's inside?"
Justin tilted his head to the right. "Just few close friends. Sina Christelle, Marco. You know, the team? Oh, and si Vianne. I didn't invite much." He sounded confused.
Tumingin ulit sa 'kin si Racel na parang hinihintay ang desisyon ko. He asked that question for me, wanting me to weigh if I could trust these people—his people.
Justin seemed to have understood dahil bigla siyang tumawa at hinatak ako papasok.
"Don't worry. Everyone here knows about you two already. They won't tell." Justin winked. "Secret's safe with us."
Napahinto ako sa sinabi niyang 'yon out of shock and embarrassment. He was speaking as if Racel and I were in a hidden relationship.
But then again, it's kind of like that naman, 'di ba?
"Where's your friend pala?" He asked over the music when we went inside the house. He leaned in so I could hear him.
"Not going. Emergency."
Justin shook his head and chuckled. "Elusive as fuck. Well, at least you're here. I'll be sad but at least my buddy will enjoy the night," sabi niya, sabay tapik sa balikat ni Racel na umiiling-iling sa kanya habang nangingiti.
All eyes darted to us as soon as we arrived in the living room. The party was in full swing. The music from the sound system was blaring so loud it pounded in my head. May mga drinks na rin na nasa counter at puno ng pagkain ang mga tables sa gilid. Their big living room was probably rearranged to accommodate tonight's party. Mga pamilyar na mukha ang nakikita ko doon. A few girls, plus the Centrex team. Totoo ngang konti lang ang inimbita ni Justin para sa birthday niya.
Christelle immediately bounced to me when she spotted me, beaming with an exuberant smile. "Javee, long time!"
"Kamusta?" I returned.
"Heto. Stressed sa council. Ikaw?"
"Same, stressed din."
We laughed. Racel suddenly leaned down and whispered into my ear. I could see the wide smile forming on Christelle's face habang pinapanood kami.
"Be right back." His breath tickled me and I resisted the shivers running down my spine.
I mustered all my strength and nodded at him. Nagpaalam siya sa 'min ni Christelle at lumapit sa team mates niya. I followed his movements. Nagtama ang mata namin no'ng Marco. He wasn't smiling or anything but he nodded to acknowledge me. Gano'n din ang iba niyang mga kasama. Ngumiti ako sa kanila to greet them din.
Justin was right. Those boys definitely knew about us. How, hindi ko alam. Nagkuwento ba si Racel? He didn't seem like the type to do so but I wouldn't know. Anyway, hindi na importante 'yon. As long as they wouldn't go around spreading stories that could reach my brothers. Which in this case, alam ko namang hindi nila gagawin.
Christelle led me to the other girls there. Racel's gaze shifted to us. He's watching me.
Hindi ko 'yon pinansin. Mas nag-focus ako sa paligid ko. Siguro, we were around fifteen lang ngayon. Just five girls, and the rest, all boys na. It wasn't the party I expected it to be. It's more intimate.
"Vi, this is her," Christelle said do'n sa slim girl na nakaupo sa may counter.
Lumingon yung girl at nag-angat ng tingin sa 'min. Her doe eyes widened at the sight of me.
I got a closer view of her. Then I recognized her. She's Vianne Grande! I know her 'cause internet famous siya. Also, nakita ko na rin siya before noong sinama ako ni Ahron sa modeling gigs niya. As I remembered her to be, Vianne is tall and slender, and her brown hair was fashioned into an apple cut that emphasized her striking face.
"Ay talaga ba?" she said in her namamaos na voice. Tumayo siya para makipag-kamay sa 'kin. "Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm Vianne."
"Javee," I said with a smile, shaking her hand.
"Javee De Villa. I know." Vianne grinned excitedly. "Nung narinig ko nga kay Christelle na ikaw 'tong girl na kinababaliwan ni Cel, hindi ako naniwala, e. Pero totoo pala talaga."
Napatingin ako kay Christelle. I raised my brows.
Tumawa siya. "She'll keep the secret. Don't worry."
Vianne raised her hand as if pledging. "Magaling ako magtago ng secret. Sus, 'yon lang ba?"
"Fuck dude. Stop staring! No one is taking her away!" I heard someone say, followed by a loud laughter.
When I turned to the other side, nagtatawanan ang boys at inaasar si Racel. Nakangisi siya pero nakasunod pa rin ang tingin sa 'kin.
I lifted a brow. He shook his head.
"Grabe. You two can't last that long without staring at each other?" Christelle asked beside me.
Mabilis akong tumingin sa kanya. My cheeks flamed in embarrassment. "Hindi naman," I stammered.
"Lovebirds!"
I was introduced to the other two girls. Mga kaibigan din nina Christelle at Vianne. They were too enthusiastic to meet me pero unlike their friends, parang wala naman silang masyadong clue sa reason bakit nando'n ako. Actually, ang iniisip nga nila, I was there because Justin was chasing after my bestfriend.
Hindi ko na tinama 'yon. In a way, tama rin naman sila. Kaibigan na rin naman ang tingin ko kay Justin. If Ahron wasn't such a noncommittal girl, sasabihin kong bagay sana sila.
Vianne inched closer to me, saying in a quiet voice, "Kailan pala naging kayo ni Racel?"
Halos mapanganga ako doon but I stopped myself. I threw her a very confused look.
"No, we're not . . . together," paliwanag ko.
"Ows?"
"Oo nga."
"Parang kasi, e."
"Hindi talaga."
"Pero parang gano'n na nga?"
"What?" I shook my head quickly. "No, no."
"Hm. Sige, sabi mo, e," Vianne said, obvious na she didn't believe me. She was grinning. "Pero special ka. I know it. Para ipakilala ka sa tropa, alam na."
I furrowed my brows. Ipakilala sa tropa? Did she mean the Centrex team?
"Hindi pa naman. Wala pang gano'n."
"Meron na, trust me. Yung nandito ka lang, it means something. Dinadala ka na niya papasok sa mundo niya. Ganyan 'yan pag nag-seryoso. Wait mo lang, baka mamaya ipakilala ka formally."
"I think you misunderstood. I'm here for Justin's birthday."
"Sige. Push natin 'yan. Kunwari naniniwala tayo parehas na 'yan lang ang reason bakit ka nandito."
I realized two things about Vianne then. One, prangka siya. Sobra. But not the annoying kind. She's friendly enough kahit na straightforward ang approach niya. Second, she knew so much about Racel.
"Kilalang-kilala mo pala siya."
"Ah. 'Di ba nila nasabi? Childhood friend ko 'yan. Nakakasawa na nga." She continued, "Anyway, happy ako na na-meet na kita. Finally. Tagal ko nang gustong ma-meet yung bet niya, e."
I was really curious now. "Bakit? Nagkwento ba siya?"
"Hindi naman. Pero obvious. Laging nakangiti. Laging may binabasa. Laging may ka-text. Basta, iba, e. 'Di pa nagkagano'n 'yan. Ngayon pa lang."
The way she talked about him evoked feelings of envy inside me. Naiinggit ako. She knew him so well: his quirks, how he acts, and probably even the smallest details. Gusto ko rin siyang makilala nang gano'n. In time siguro but I could never compare to them.
Badtrip. Hindi ako nagseselos pero naiinggit ako.
Though napaisip din ako sa mga sinabi niya. It must mean something big if this was coming from her—she's Racel's bestfriend. Kilalang-kilala na nila ang isa't isa. Kung 'yan ang iniisip niya, that meant . . .
I erased the thought away, getting scared and kilig at the same time.
That meant he's serious about me . . .
Lumipat ang atensyon ko sa kabilang dako. Hinanap ko kung nasaan si Racel. I had to smile. Kausap niya sina Marco at si Harvey Cuevas, pero his eyes were on me still.
"Stop staring," I mouthed.
He mouthed something back pero hindi ko naintindihan 'yon.
Inangat niya ang phone niya. He started typing.
My phone pinged.
RCG:
You ok?
Me:
Yup, enjoying
RCG:
Tell me if you wanna leave. Let's bail and date
Natawa ako doon. Napansin yata ng mga kausap niya ang nangyayari dahil pinuna nila 'yon.
"Damn dude. You're obsessed. Doon ka na. Sige! Don't let us keep you!"
Racel wore a smug smirk, chuckling. He shrugged them off.
We stayed there until early evening. Nag-e-enjoy pa naman ako kaya nagulat ako nang mag-aya na si Racel.
I didn't question him since I've had quite a few drinks na. I needed to clear up.
He was out preparing the car when I came upon Marco after coming out of the rest room.
Kunot-noo niya akong tiningnan.
"You and Racel, huh?"
Hindi ako sumagot. The dude looked smashed.
"I don't plan to ruin you but damn. How the fuck did you two happen?"
Tumawa yung isa nilang ka-team.
"Why, bro? Tsismoso ka na?"
"Spare Javee, asshole," natatawang sinabi ni Justin sa kanya. "Fucking drink na lang," sabay abot ng beer.
"No, I'm curious, e. Her brothers will get mad. Do they even know?"
His question set me off. He's right and it unsettled me that he was.
"Tangina, p're. Tama na 'yan," halakhak nung isa.
Marco stared at me with an unstable frown on his face.
"You seem okay. I hope you don't take after those assholes. Ang malas mo sa naging pamilya mo."
"Excuse me?" I said right away, taking offense.
"Marco," an authoritative voice warned.
Marco paled, parang naging sober immediately. He stepped back.
I turned over my shoulder and saw Racel looking at him, dark threat swimming in his eyes. He stepped to my side and placed a protective arm around my shoulder.
"That's enough."
Umismid si Marco. With a scowl, he stormed away.
"You ready to leave?" Racel asked me, his face softening.
"Yeah. Magpaalam lang ako sa girls."
I bade the girls goodbye after exchanging numbers. Then, I hit the road again with Racel.
***
Akala ko uuwi na kami but early on the road, I realized he wasn't planning to drive to Las Piñas pa.
"Are we going somewhere else?"
Tumingin siya sa 'kin at ngumisi. "We can't travel for Christmas but we can go on a roadtrip now," he said simply.
So we ended up driving around, going to nowhere in particular. We had few stop overs, doon sa mga cute shops na nadaraanan namin na kaunti lang ang tao. Then we rode our way to Tagaytay. Wala naman kaming pakay doon. Gabi na, there's nothing to see. But he wanted to chill pa and since the air there was good, we opted for it.
We had dinner in a restaurant in Twin Lakes, Tagaytay, and finding an empty space, Racel parked the car and we hung out, overlooking the view. Umupo ako sa hood ng car niya while drinking the frappe we bought kanina sa Starbucks. He was sitting right beside me.
"Uy. Christelle invited me sa birthday niya. Magkalapit lang pala sila ni Justin."
"She invited the Youth Camp council. Are you going?"
"Ikaw ba?"
"If you go."
Natawa ako. "Sus. You can't not go. You're friends."
"I'm just saying it's much better if you're there."
"I'll probably go. Nahiya akong humindi."
Racel pondered something for a second. "Now that you mentioned it, I want to give her a gift. I just don't know what to buy."
"What things does she like?"
He sighed. "Besides collecting bags, I don't know. I also don't like shopping alone."
Tumitig ako, slightly natatawa.
"Nagpaparinig ka ba? You want me to come with you?"
Parang bata, his eyes lit up. "Pwede ba?"
"When?" I wondered.
"How about this Saturday?"
"Alright." I nodded. "After class."
Then it was silent again. It felt comfortable and peaceful, parang we're sharing something intimate. I stretched my arms and legs as if yawning.
"Hays, I love Tagaytay. It's just so hot in Manila."
He chuckled. "I think I know where to bring you next."
"Where?"
"Baguio."
Like a charm, a grin curled up my lips. "Yes, please! Cafe in the Sky."
The cold wind swept over us then, blowing my hair all around me. Pinigilan ko 'yon with my hands. When it was calm, sinuklay ko ang buhok ko with my fingers.
Racel reached out and placed a lost strand in my ear. I froze. Ang lalim ng tingin niya as he did so. Then his gaze flickered down to my lips before lifting it up to meet my eyes.
Kinabahan ako sa ginawa niyang 'yon. That felt so familiar. Come to think of it, sa Tagaytay din 'yon!
I shifted uncomfortably.
He smiled a little.
"Lagi na lang tayong nagkikita these days," I said just to distract myself. "Don't you get tired of seeing me?"
"Never," Racel answered in a beat. "If I'm tired of you, would I be asking you out all the time? This is better than thinking about you constantly. And I wonder about you a lot."
Suminghap ako. Tore my eyes away from his sinfully and wickedly handsome face. Grabe. Nagwawala na naman 'tong puso ko.
"Do I make you nervous?" Something in his tone made me snap back to him kahit ayaw ko. Nilapit niya ang mukha niya sa 'kin as if to tease me more.
Damn. I couldn't stop looking at his lips.
"Racel, you're making me more nervous."
"Then be nervous," he breathed with a tantalizing smile. "Blush for me."
He brushed my lower lip with his thumb. Napalunok ako. My chest was going into overdrive. Then, he closed the gap between us. My heart drummed in wild beats, the knot in my stomach churning with chaotic emotions. I closed my eyes.
Just when I thought he was going to kiss me, Racel dipped in to the corner of my lips. The skin where he kissed me burned like molten lava.
My eyes flew open in surprise. I was shivering. Racel pulled away and laughed seeing my reaction.
I blew out a breath. Shit. Sana hindi rinig doon na disappointed ako.
"Stop playing with my feelings," I told him begrudgingly.
Huminto siya sa pagtawa. He arched his brows. "I'm playing with you? Baka ikaw. You're playing with mine. Between us, you have the upper hand." He shook his head, smiling at his own thoughts. "I'm completely under your mercy."
I swallowed, totally unable to speak. Hindi ko maalis ang tingin ko sa kanya. He was staring at me steadily, drinking me in. He reached for me again, his eyes fixed on my lips.
"Would you like me to continue that?" he murmured in a whisper. "'Cause you don't know how much I do. It's driving me crazy."
Do you even have to ask?
I stayed quiet. Sobrang lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko. Pakiramdam ko nga, naririnig niya 'yon.
"But I'm trying damn hard to control myself," he continued. "Do you know how hard it is to stay with you and not say directly how I feel? I'm so afraid you'll run away if I push you too far."
"Yet you keep doing things like this," I said in a whisper.
"I can't help it. I'm not strong enough to completely back off." He let out a small chuckle. "So I have no choice but to just hope you won't push me away and run off where I can't find you." He whispered the last words, "I can only hope that you like it too."
Lumayo ako ng tingin. My heart was pounding so hard against my ribcage and I couldn't breathe. Hindi ko na siya matingnan. I was scared that if I do, I'd kiss him there and then.
"Just tell me to stop; otherwise, I'll think it's okay. I know you're scared. Just trust me. Try me. Give me a chance to prove this is real."
I sighed. "Sometimes you're too much. You're making me crazy," I admitted without careful thinking.
"Quits lang," I heard him say. "At least you know how you make me feel."
Racel grabbed my hand and threaded our fingers together. He planted a kiss on the back of my hand.
"Someday, I'll tell you how I feel. When you're ready to hear it."
What he said was like a reminder. Parang avalanche na bumagsak sa 'kin ang lahat ng inaalala ko. My fear of my brothers. My fear of love. My fear of getting played again.
Bigla akong inulan ng takot. I wasn't scared of his feelings, sa totoo lang. I was scared of mine; scared that I'd choose him over them when the time comes. Scared that I already did. Sana kahit kailan hindi dumating ang panahon na 'yon. I never wanted to choose. I didn't even know if I could.
Dahil sa nararamdaman kong takot, I blurted out, "Please don't," and regretted it as soon as I did.
Pain flashed across his face and Racel sighed, slowly letting go of my hand. He moved away and put a safe distance between us. Sa little action niyang 'yon, nakita ko kung gaano siya naapektuhan ng sinabi ko.
I hurt him again. I pushed him away. And now he's inching away from me.
"Sorry," sinabi niya in a hurt tone, making my chest constrict.
Flinching, I closed my eyes, bit my lip, and didn't say anything else, letting the cold silence overwhelm us. There were so many unspoken words that I wanted to say, just hanging over us. So many things I wanted to clarify. I wanted to reach out to him, to comfort him, to meet him halfway pero natatakot ako. If I started, I might not be able to stop. I was scared. I couldn't do it.
Damn.
Why was I such a coward?
The shattering of my heart was loud today.
But it seemed his was louder.