It started with a headache. That’s it, just a headache. Maddie had always had headaches, even when we were younger. It was nothing out of the ordinary, until she collapsed. I can still see it now, the beginning of the worst thing in my life. She had been sitting at our tiny kitchen table, massaging her temples. I was rummaging in the bathroom cabinet looking for the Tylenol and hoping it wasn’t out of date. Suddenly I heard an almighty crash and ran out of the bathroom to see Madison lying comatose on the floor. I think it’s fair to say my heart stopped beating at the sight of my best friend on the floor.
I fell to my knees beside her and pressed my fingers to the base of her throat. I almost collapsed with relief at the erratic beating against my fingers. Slowly I manoeuvred her into a sitting position, before wrapping one arm under her knees and the other around her waist. I gently hoisted her into my arms and carried her to the couch.
Her head rested on my shoulder, her brown hair spread over my arm. I bent my head and rested my brow on the crown of her head. I set her down, before moving back to watch her face. My fingers threaded into her hair and softly stroked as I waited for her to wake. My heart was still beating way too fast, so I leaned forward and placed my head back on hers. I inhaled the sweet scent of jasmine that seemed to always cover her like a scented aura. Her smell slowly calmed me down, and I resumed stroking her hair. I stopped when I felt her head move slightly. I stared at her face, willing her to open her eyes. Slowly, slowly her thick eyelashes fluttered open to reveal hazel eyes flecked with green. Her gaze was unfocused for a moment before her eyes zeroed in on my face.
“Hey Nemo, how you feeling?” I asked her quietly, using one of my many nicknames for her.
“Like crap. How did I get to the couch?” she whispered back.
“Well I carried you, didn’t I?” I replied.
“Seriously? You carried me?” she asked with her eyebrows raised.
“Excuse me. Allow me to inform you that I have been working out every day.” I said in mock indignation.
She giggled and said, “Climbing the stairs everyday does not count Zach.”
I frowned and pouted, which only made her laugh harder.
-*-*-*-
We sat together in the doctor’s office waiting for the test results. After the first episode Maddie had fainted twice again in the past three days. After a fight that had lasted almost the entire night, she had conceded and allowed me to take her to the doctor. She was the most stubborn person I had ever met, though I knew I couldn’t live without her. She was currently sitting with her back straight, pointedly ignoring me. I laughed a little at her childishness. After that is a blur. Even now, I can’t remember that consultation. No matter how hard I try I only hear a few phrases.
Brain tumor. Inoperable. A month on the outside. Plans. I’m so sorry.
I also remember Madison’s hand, which had found its way into mine. I fingers intertwined as the doctor talked and I barely listened. The next thing I knew Maddie was thanking Dr. Jones and standing up. She tugged on my hand and numbly I stood and followed her out. Our fingers remained tangled as we walked out of the practice and into the street. She turned to face me as I joined her on the deserted pavement.
As she looked at me I suddenly realized how beautiful she was. The wind blowing from the Thames was blowing into her, causing her chocolate brown waves to fly out behind her. She was wearing the green scarf I had bought her for her birthday, which made her normally hazel eyes a startling emerald green. Her skin was pale, with a flush growing on her cheeks because of the wind. She bit her bottom lip as she stared at me. She cocked her head to the side for a moment, before slowly walking up to me. She came as close as she had ever been, until we were chest to chest. I stared down into the eyes I knew better than anything else, and she smiled sadly at me.
“We should get home.” she whispered, not moving her eyes from me. I nodded silently and swallowed. She stepped away from me and turned to face the right direction. She made to untangle our fingers, but I held on tight. She looked up to my face and I saw tears glistening in her eyes. I tightened my fingers around hers and together we walked back to our apartment.
-*-*-*-
As we were climbing the stairs she stumbled, and I immediately wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her up against me. She was visibly shaking, so I held her closer. She grasped onto my arms and closed her eyes as she breathed slowly and deeply, trying to calm her down. I bent my head forward just a bit and pressed my nose into her sweet smelling hair, letting my presence help her. I inhaled the scent of jasmine, never wanting to lose the feeling. Slowly she calmed down, the shaking soon stopping altogether.
“You okay?” I asked her quietly.
“Yeah, just a dizzy spell.” she whispered back. I nodded into her hair before releasing her. She held on to my right arm though, and together we walked into our apartment. When we entered she let go of my hand and walked to her bedroom. I made my way to the kitchen, feeling a hot cup of coffee calling my name. I heard the shower start as I got the beans out. By the time I had finished making the drink the shower had shut off and the TV had come on. I walked towards the door and leaned against the frame, staring into the living room.
Madison sat on the couch covered by an old woollen afghan. Her legs were curled up under her body and she was leaning against an arm of the couch. Her hair was damp and pulled back into a loose ponytail. She was wearing her normal sleeping attire of an old t-shirt and a too big pair of pyjama pants. She was smiling at something on the screen. She looked exactly like she did every other night, except this wasn’t any other night.
And it hit me. She was going to be gone. Madison, Maddie, Nemo… she was going to be gone. I was never going to see her laugh at one of my corny jokes, or burn the toast ever morning. She was my best friend, the one good, stable thing in my entire life and she was going to die. Tears sprung into my eyes and I couldn’t fight them away. My entire life revolved around Madison, what was I going to do without her, without a purpose. I couldn’t imagine a life without her, without the constant teasing and pranks and laughter. Maddie had been there through everything, seen me in every mood. How was I supposed to survive without her? I must have made some sound because she looked away from the TV and towards me. There was an unknown emotion burning in her steady gaze. I stared back, trying to remember it. The tears were threatening to erupt though, and I couldn’t let her see them.
“I think I’m gonna go out.” I said. She nodded and smiled at me. The tears arrived again and I made a quick exit.
“Don’t forget your jacket.” she called out and I choked on a sob. I almost sprinted to the door and threw it open. I had to get somewhere where I could break down in peace, and I could only think of one place, Amy’s house.
-*-*-*-
I knocked on the door of my sort-of, not really girlfriend’s door, hoping to God she was alone. The door flung open and there she stood in a pair of sweatpants with her blonde hair in a messy bun. Her grey eyes scanned me critically, before quickly stepping aside and letting me in. I walked past her into the kitchen where I froze at the island. My hands clenched into fists as I fought to control the pain in my chest. Amy came to stand in front of me, her hands on her hips.
“What’s wrong Zach? What happened?” she asked and I felt the hole in my chest grow.
I took a deep breath before replying quietly, “It’s Maddie.”
“Maddie as in Madison? Your best friend? Oh my God, is she okay? Did something happen?” she asked, moving towards me.
I numbly shook my head before saying, “She went and got herself a fucking brain tumour.” And the dam broke and my tears fell.
-*-*-*-
I was sitting in Amy’s lounge, curled up exactly like Maddie had been back at the flat. Amy walked towards me holding a cup of something steaming. She set it down on the coffee table, before sitting next to me on the couch. I had stopped crying about 15 minutes ago, but stray tears still fell. She silently rubbed my back as I buried my face in my hands.
“Tell me about her.” Amy said.
“Seriously?” I said.
“If she’s important enough that you have a complete breakdown at the thought of her gone, yeah. I want to know about this girl who’s always been there.”
I sniffed and looked sideways at her, “What do you want to know?”
“How did you meet?”
“Back in preschool, we shared our crayons. When our parents came to pick us up they realised we were neighbours. It just progressed from there I guess.”
“What do you mean progressed?”
“Playdates turned into going to school together. That turned into doing homework together which became sleepovers. We basically spent every minute together. And when my parents started fighting I practically moved into her house.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah, she always said it was fate that we met then. When we graduated we both moved to the city and got a flat together. And the rest is history, or soon will be…” I finished quietly.
“You know what I think you should do? Take a few weeks off work. Stay with her, she’s going to need you. And you’re going to need her.” she said.
I looked at her in wonder and she smiled, “She means the world to you. Don’t let her go out alone.”
“Was never an option.” I replied.
-*-*-*-
I left Amy’s feeling wholly refreshed. I had needed to get it all out before I went back home, because I knew once I was with Maddie I wasn’t going to leave her side. I entered the flat to see Maddie at the kitchen table on her laptop.
“How was your date with Amy?” she asked.
“Wasn’t a date.” I answered, grabbing a beer from the fridge. She looked up from the computer and leaned back in the chair.
“Then what was it?” she asked with a smirk. This was so familiar, the two of us going back and forth.
“Preparation.” I answered.
“What preparation?” she asked.
“For us.” I said quietly, staring into her eyes. She looked back at me, her face impassive. At length she blinked and looked back to the computer screen.
“A month.” she whispered.
“A month.”I repeated just as quietly. “Don’t worry, I’m always going to be here, until the end.”
“No.” she said.
“What?”
“No, I refuse to go like that. I want to die myself, not trapped in my own head.”
“And how do you plan on getting around that?”
“These.” she said, and she turned the laptop to face me. I read the article quickly before looking back to her to see if she was joking. She wasn’t.
“What the f-. No, you can’t!” I shouted.
“Why not? It’ll be painless, just going to sleep.” she said.
“You want to kill yourself Maddie!”
“It’s not suicide, its euthanization.”
“I don’t care what it’s called. You want to take a pill that’s going to end your life.”
“Don’t you get it? I want to die that way! I refuse to die comatose in a hospital bed unable to even say goodbye.” she shouted.
“But…” I said.
“Please Zach. I need you to do this for me. The last thing I’ll ever ask you to do.” she whispered.
Tears were welled up in my eyes again, “How can you do this Madison. You’re acting like we’re talking about a business deal, not your life.”
“Zach…”
“Does it really not matter to you, aren’t you scared?” I said, shouting out the last words.
She jumped out of the chair and shouted back, “Of course I’m scared, I’m goddamn TERRIFIED! I have a brain tumour Zach, a brain tumour. Do you think I want to die, that I’m capable of leaving and not looking back? Because I’m not.” Tears fell down her cheeks and she was shaking.
“Maddie…” I said, moving towards her.
“I just can’t let you see me like that. Useless and weak.” she whispered.
“Hey, hey.” I said, wrapping my arms around her. She buried her face in my shirt and I felt her tears soak through the cotton. I felt tears in my own eyes and I shut them tightly.
“I’m scared Zach. I’m scared.” she said. I rubbed her back in soothing circles, while trying to stay calm myself.
“It’s gonna be okay Nemo, I promise.” I whispered into her hair. She choked on a sob at the name and clutched my shirt tighter. I pressed a kiss to her temple and felt a few of my tears escape.
“It’s late. You gotta sleep.” I whispered into her ear. She nodded into my chest before lifting her head and looking me in the eye.
“Stay with me?” she asked. I never could refuse her anything when she looked at me like that. I nodded and together we walked to her bedroom. I stopped in the bathroom to quickly change into my pyjamas before walking into her room. She was already lying in the bed. Slowly I got in on the opposite side and moved closer to her. When we were almost touching I looked at her face to see her eyes open. She gave me a small smile before moving forward into my arms. I didn’t hesitate to wrap myself around her. I guess it should’ve felt awkward, sleeping wrapped around my best friend, but it didn’t. It felt like we had been doing it for 30 years. I bent my head and inhaled the scent of her hair, feeling her slow breaths on my neck. I pressed a kiss to her hair before closing my eyes and going to sleep.
-*-*-*-
I woke up alone, and immediately looked around for Maddie. I faintly heard retching from the bathroom and I jumped up and ran in to see her on her knees in front of the toilet, seemingly throwing up the contents of her stomach. I walked up behind her and dropped to my knees as well. I started rubbing her back as the next round began. When she was done she sat back up on her heels, coughing.
I immediately got her a glass of water from the tap, which she drank down quickly while flushing the toilet. She leaned against the counter, breathing hard. There was a light sheen of sweat on her brow, which she wiped away with her hand. I cocked my head as I watched her, waiting for her to tell me what was going on.
“Symptom. Hectic nausea, and then you’re right as rain.” she said. She refused to meet my eyes, I guessed because of the pills.
“Is it really what you want?” I asked her quietly.
She raised her eyes to meet mine and nodded, “It is.”
“Then I’ll do it. But only because I love you and this is your last wish.” I said. She smiled at me before running up and wrapping her arms around me. I pulled her closer and hugged her tighter. I was going to miss her so much.
-*-*-*-
“Friday.” she said as she sat down.
“Friday?” I asked.
“When they arrive; the pills.” she said.
I did a quick mental count and almost gasped. Friday was only 3 days away, “3 days? That’s it?” I asked her.
“It’s getting worse.” she said, and I nodded. As much as I hated what she was doing, I knew where she was coming from. I could almost imagine myself doing the same thing if our roles were reversed.
“I’m sorry Zach.” she said. I raised my eyes to meet hers.
“This is not your fault. Never ever think this was your fault. Got it?” I asked her seriously. She nodded before turning her head and looking out of the window.
“You want to go out?” I asked her. She turned to me and smiled, the first in days. And my heart ached.
Later that day we were walking towards the park. Madison’s balance was alright, but she still kept our arms wrapped around each other. I found I didn’t mind so much. We stopped by a bench in front of the lake and sat down.
“You okay?” I asked her, noticing how stiffly she sat.
“I- I can’t see out of my right eye.” she said quietly, her voice shaking. I instantly reached out and pulled her to me until she was firmly in my embrace. I pressed my lips to the top of her head, cursing the world for what it was doing. By mutual, silent agreement we left the park, though we walked much closer together now. Throughout the rest of the day we walked around, visiting all of the places we loved. I kept her as close as possible to me, and she didn’t seem to mind.
-*-*-*-
The next day was Thursday, the day before. She had said she wanted to stay at home, not feeling well enough to venture outside. I stood in the doorway and stared, unable to take my eyes off her.
She was dressed in jeans and a loose tank top. Her hair was open and cascaded over her shoulders in tousled waves. I couldn’t stop staring at her. She looked so much the same and yet so different. She was dressed exactly how she would any other day; except you could clearly see how much weight she had lost. Her eyes were still bright and sparkling though there were dark circles under them. Despite all that, I couldn’t help but wonder at how beautiful she was.
We had grown up together, spent almost every second with each other. How could I have not noticed how she had grown up? I swallowed thickly as I watched her, this was going to hurt. Suddenly the doorbell rang and I checked to see who it was.
Thomas and Amy. Thomas is my step-brother, from my father’s second marriage. He and I were close, and therefore he was also close with Maddie. I buzzed them up and opened the door for them. Maddie smiled brightly at the tow of them, motioning for them to sit down. I sat down next to Maddie, still needing to be as close to her as possible. The four of us talked for over 2 hours, discussing the plan. When we had straightened out every detail Maddie asked to talk to Amy alone. Thomas and I walked into the kitchen, leaving the women alone.
“Hey Zach, you alright?” he asked me quietly.
“Yeah, well, as fine as I can be.” I said, shaking my head. Thomas watched me intently, before placing a hand on my shoulder.
“You’re going to be alright.” he said.
“What makes you think that?” I asked him.
“Because it’s what she wants, and I know you’ve never been able to say no to her.”
I swallowed and looked down to the floor. I heard footsteps by the doorway and saw Maddie and Amy smiling at each other. Maddie turned to look at me with an unnameable emotion and I suddenly had an urge to wrap myself around her and never let her go, never let her leave me. She blinked suddenly and the connection was lost. I turned to face Thomas, who was staring at me critically. I shook my head at him and walked out of the kitchen.
-*-*-*-
That night Maddie and I lay in bed together. She had fallen asleep a long time ago, but I wasn’t that lucky. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from her. I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that in 24 hours she would be gone. I was never going to look at her face again, never hear her laugh or feel her touch.
I gently stroked a finger down a smooth cheek, watching silently as she unconsciously leaned into the touch. I bit my lip as she moved forward and nuzzled into my chest. I stared at her porcelain face, trying to memorize it. Her eyes, her nose, her lips, I couldn’t let myself forget.
I didn’t sleep that night. I watched over my best friend, trying to fill my entire memory with her so that when she really was gone I wouldn’t feel so alone. I wrapped my arms tight around her and allowed myself to drown in the jasmine scent. I would’ve given anything for that night to never have ended, to have never had to face the day ahead, but dawn broke anyway.
-*-*-*-
The pills had arrived that morning. They were small and white, so unassuming. I had kept them in my pocket from the moment they had arrived, not wanting to rush the day. Maddie stood in her pyjamas, staring out the window. I was hit with a wave of nostalgia as I watched her stare out over the city. She seemed to have sensed my presence because she turned to face me.
“Hey.” she said quietly.
“Hey.” I replied, still staring at her.
“What’s the time?”
“Almost two in the afternoon.” I answered.
“Then could you get the pills?” she asked me. I froze; this was really going to happen. I closed my eyes and nodded stiffly before walking to the kitchen. I poured a glass of water and then put two tiny monstrosities in a small bowl. I brought them to the lounge where she stood. I passed them to her, and she stood still, holding them. I couldn’t take it anymore. I started to back away, I couldn’t watch her do this.
“Please Zach.” she whispered so quietly I barely heard her.
“Please what?” I asked her.
“I need you here.” she said.
I let out a tiny sob at her words, “And what about me? I can’t watch you do this, it would only break me.”
“I can’t do this alone. I’m scared.”
I honestly don’t know what she had done that triggered my next actions but I am eternally grateful for it. I walked forward and pulled the glass and bowl out of her hands and set it on the coffee table next to us. Her eyes followed me until I straightened again, facing her and standing so close I was breathing in what she breathed out.
“Zach…” she whispered in the space between us, and that did it.
I pushed forward and pressed my lips to hers, revelling in their softness. Her mouth parted under mine and I took advantage of the new opportunity. I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her closer to me. I drank in her taste, something completely unique and completely Maddie. Her arms wound around my neck and pulled me closer. I felt a wetness on my face and gently pulled away to see tears on her face. Before I could do anything she cupped my cheek and rubbed her thumb over it. I realized I had been crying too. I stared into her eyes so close to my own. They were just as wet, with little drops clinging to her eyelashes. I leaned forward and pressed a kiss to each of her eyelids, taking away the moisture. She let out a choked sob at my kisses. She tilted her head up to meet mine and we stared at each other for a long moment.
“I love you.” she whispered. It was my turn to let out a sob as I pressed my mouth to hers. Pulling away the merest fraction I whispered back.
“I love you too.” Our mouths met again and again. Our sobs were muffled by the other’s lips as we cried. I clutched at her, trying to get as close as possible. She pressed herself to me, her body fitting perfectly against mine. Soon she was pulling away, pressing her lips together. She placed a palm flat over my heart and stared into my eyes. I swallowed thickly and nodded.
Together we took a step back, than another and another. I pulled out my phone, and she picked up the pills. She drank them down, and I sent two texts, one to Amy and one to Thomas. She set the glass down carefully, before taking a shaky breath and meeting my eyes.
It was over, during the next half an hour she would slowly drift off.
She was shaking, looking lost. I slowly walked forward and took her hand. She looked at me quizzically, but followed as I sat on the couch. I gave her arm a tug and she got the message to sit down next to me. She was breathing deep, slow, steady breaths, as if she was trying to savour them. I caught her gaze and she looked at me with barely contained fear.
“I-I thought I was ready for this.” she whispered. Nothing I ever do will be this important.
I wrap an arm around her and pull her into me. She curls into my body, until she’s almost sitting on my lap. Her head is on my chest, right over my head. I press my nose into her hair, breathing her in. She tilted her head until she was looking up at me. Her hazel eyes ran all over my face, as if she were trying to ingrain my face into her memory. I gently lean down and brush my mouth over hers. She kisses me back, using what seems to be the last of her strength. Her hand curls against my cheek, as if she’s trying to keep us connected. I softly pull away and stare into her eyes.
“I love you.” I whisper again, because I know this is probably my last chance to make sure she truly understands.
“I love you too.” she says back. The tears are back. “I want you to be the last thing I see.” she says.
I stare into her eyes, feeling every second like a blade against my skin. A sweet, deep agony. But I’m too far in to care. Her eyelids flutter and I see her fighting to keep them open.
“No, no baby. Just close your eyes and breathe. I’ll be here.” I whisper.
She does as I say, and it breaks my heart. She is sleeping now, her head resting on my chest. I press kisses to every piece of skin I can see.I whisper oaths of love into her hair, praying she can hear them wherever she is now. I lose myself in her smell, trying not to focus in the agony growing in my chest.
She takes her last breath then. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale… nothing.
I freeze. This is not real, it can’t be. I stare down at her, trying to convince myself it’s not true. Suddenly Amy and Thomas are there with two paramedics. They prise her out of my arms despite my protests. I call for them to stop as they are about to wheel her out. They do.
I walk to the gurney and pull back the sheet, but I don’t see my best friend. The person I see is so much more than my best friend. They wheel her away, and the moment she is out of sight it hits me.
I fall to my knees, unable to stand upright anymore. Amy is behind me, but I barely notice her. The hole in my chest is growing, threatening to swallow me whole. I want it to; maybe than this pain will stop. I realize I am sobbing, sobbing into my knees at the injustice of it all. My entire body shakes and I want nothing more than to curl up into a ball and forget about the world. I feel like screaming and tearing up the flat, anything to bring her back. She’s not coming back. The hole is growing, and I let it. I can’t live without her, I don’t know how. I can see her now, her smile, her laugh, her eyes, and her kiss. I sob again and again, grieving the loss of the soulmate I never knew was in front of me until it was too late. All I knew right then was that even the Seven Circles of Hell were preferable to the pain in my heart.
-*-*-*-
I can’t do it, I just can’t. They want me to go to her funeral and give the eulogy. Do they not understand? Going to a graveyard, seeing the coffin, saying goodbye… All that makes it too real.
The hole is still in my chest, and it grows every day, every second. I can’t do anything without thinking of her. Everything in the apartment has a bit of Maddie attached to it; and it makes for such a blissful agony. I feel her when I lie in bed, I hear her when I walk down the stairs, I taste her when I sit on the couch.
Everybody else thinks I’m fine, that I’m moving on alright. But none of them saw how we had changed in that last half hour. How my entire life found a new purpose, only to have it taken away in an instant. I know that I’ll forever more crave her touch and her taste, and I know I will never find it again.
I’m living a half-life, for what is life without something to live for. I guess I just miss her, so much. It tears me up inside and makes me want to scream with longing. The pain hasn’t lessened, not one bit. It only hurts more, with every passing second that I don’t see her. It’s a festering wound that has no hope of ever being healed. It can’t be healed.
I can’t live without her, and I don’t want to. So I pick up the kitchen knife as I write these last words. This is for Maddie, and for everyone who wants to know why I’m about to do this. It would not suffice to say he had died of a broken heart, because it hadn’t been broken. It had been ripped out of his chest and taken away mere seconds after he had found it, found her.
Knives are sharp, I’ve never noticed before, until now. It’s funny though, how these cuts running up my arm don’t hurt at all. Maybe because I know that this is my ticket to see her again.
I’m sorry to all of you I leave behind, but I can’t do it any more.
Amy and Thomas, you tried your hardest, don’t blame yourselves.
And Maddie, I love you, with everything I am, and I always will.
Zach.