"It is never easy to move on. To start from scratch. To try and fix what has been broken. To forget. And most especially, to forgive. It is a long and winding process. Sometimes it ends well. But sometimes, it never ends. You just get to a point, then realize that you have not really moved. To move on, more than a decision, is a choice. You don't just decide to do it, you choose to do it. Day in, day out. And at the end of it all, when every thing's been said, done and given, you just have to hope. Hope that you have built a clear slate. Hope that you have been fixed and mended. Hope that you have forgotten and forgiven.
Hope that you have moved on."
Isang taon.
I looked at my phone's calendar.
Isang taon na pala simula nung iwanan niya ako. Isang taon na pala simula nung nagdesisyon siyang wag na akong papasukin sa buhay niya. Isang taon na pala simula nung inisip niya na di ako karapatdapat sa isang explanasyon. Isang taon na pala.
Napangiti nalang ako habang napapaisip.
Mag-iisang taon na rin palang nakaya kong mabuhay nang wala siya na akala ko nuoy di ko magagawa. At mag-iisang taon na rin pala simula nung nagdesisyon akong mahalin ang sarili ko.
Ngayon masasabi kong sa halos isang taon na paghihirap, wala akong ni isa mang pinagsisihan. Bakit pa ba? E sa isang taong yun mas nakilala ko ang sarili ko, mas napamahal ako sa sarili ko at napatunayan ko na kaya ko. I have become a better person. There shouldn't be anything to regret.
I kept my phone inside my bag bago ako lumabas ng kotse ko. Andito ako ngayon sa harap ng coffee shop na paboritong tambayan ng mga volleyball teammates ko kasama ang courtside reporter namin nung last season na si Laura. Hindi nila alam na akoy narito at isusurpresa sila. Pano ba naman kasi isang week kaming walang training, and within that week, sobrang busy ko sa classes at work. Well, actually kahit before pa, lagi nalang akong busy. Nagrereklamo na nga sila e. Nakikita ko lang sila sa dorm tas di pa kami nakakapag-usap ng maayos. Namimiss ko na sila e.
Papasok palang ako nung nakita ko sila Ella at Den sa may window. They were happily chitchatting with the person o persons across them. Di kasi masyadong kita sa pwesto ko kung sino mga kasama nila. I just ordered the usual frappe and approached them.
Ly: Hi guys!
Napalingon silang lahat sakin. Oh, so it was Von and Laura pala na kasama nila. Mga three seconds pa bago mag register sa kanila na andito ako kaya mej late reaction ang tili nila Den, Ella at Lau. Napalingon tuloy samin ang ibang mga customers.
Ly: Ssssshhhh nga kayo!
Them: Omg Ly!
Then they all stood up and hugged me. Grabe tong mga to kala mo di ko nakikita sa dorm e.
Ly: Sus kayo naman. Parang sobrang tagal nating di nagkita ah.
Ella: Tse! Wag ka nga. Nakikita ka nga namin, di ka naman namin masyadong nakakausap.
Den: Onga. Baka naman after today, maabutan pa ulit ng ilang months bago tayo makapag hangout ulit?
I laughed at their faces. They looked so cute and adorable oag nagtatampo sila. I motioned for them to go back to their seats at agad naman silang naupo. I sat beside Den.
Ly: Don't worry guys. I already asked my manager to limit muna my projects so I can hang with you often.
Von: Totoo ba talaga yan, idol? Baka hoax lang yan ah. Wag mo kaming paasahin.
Wow, Von spoke. Kaya I smiled at him nalang. Boyfriend nga pala siya ni Laura kaya madalas din siya dito.
Ly: Oo nga, idol. Weekends nalang work ko so my friends have me on weekdays.
Den: Yun naman pala e! For sure maeexcite ang ibang teammates natin.
I looked at Den.
Ly: Nga pala besh, san sila? I came here pa naman to surprise all of you sana.
Ella: Ay wala na, Ly. Nagtampo na sayo. Di na daw kayo friends.
Pinandilatan ko si Ella. But she just laughed.
Ella: Joke lang. Yan kasi kakatrabaho mo, di mo na alam na hapon na sila pumupunta rito.
Oh shoot. Matagal na nga ata akong di nakikipagkwentuhan sa kanila.
Ella: But dont worry. They'll come around. Libre mo lang mga yun ng dinner, okay na.
Laura threw a used tissue at Ella naman.
Lau: Ginaya mo pa sayo. Sabihin mo gusto mo lang magpalibre kay Ly.
Ella: Walang laglagan, Lau.
Walang pinagbago ang kulit pa rin nila. Napansin kong natahimik si Von kaya I eyed him.
Ly: Ok ka lang ba, idol?
He snapped out of his reverie and looked hesitantly at me. Parang may gusto siyang sabihin. He seemed to battle with himself before clearing his throat.
Von: Ahh Ly kasi -- kasi I invited Kief over. Di ko naman kasi alam na pupunta ka pala.
I laughed. Yun lang? Do they still think Im not over him? Oh come on. It's been a year. That's history.
They seemed to be shocked of my reaction.
Den: Besh, okay lang sayo?! I mean.. Earth to Alyssa, si Kiefer Ravena yun.
Ly: Of course, I know Kief, besh.
Napalingon ako ulit kay Von.
Ly: It's okay, Von. Have him come over. Past is past.
Nagtaka ata sila sa reaksyon ko but they eventually accepted it. We talked about a lot of things over coffee. Catch up nga kumbaga.
It seemed like I was away for tad too long that I missed a lot. Buti nalang at pumayag si manager na bawasan muna projects ko so i can chill. Namiss ko to e. Namiss ko silang katawanan, kakulitan at kasama. Namiss ko rin ang katakawan ko pag sila ang kasama.
Hayy.
We were too engrossed in talking about random stuff when...
Kief: Paps! Sorry ha. Kanina pa ba kay---
Napalingon ako sa kanya, and when he noticed I was there hindi siya nakapagsalita. I knew from my peripheral vision that they were looking back and forth at us.
So I decided to break the awkwardness. Well, for me, it wasnt really that awkward. Slight lang. I have moved on, remember?
Ly: Hi Kief. Upo ka. Nag-order ka na?
He seemed to be even more shocked when I talked to him. Hello, akala ba niya naapektuhan pa ako sa kanya? It's been long. It's time to be mature about things like this.
Kief: Ah... Eh... Di p-pa. Wag na. Busog pa ako e.
Von: Oy paps! Dito ka o.
Itinuro ni Von ang empty space sa tabi niya na tapat ko rin. Ano ba naman to. Kami lang atang tatlo ang nag-uusap. Sina Den sobrang tahimik tas nakatingin lang sa amin.
Tinignan ko sila.
Ly: Hoy ano? Okay lang ba kayo?
Den: Are you guys friends already?
Walang pakundangang tanong ni Den.
Ella: Besh!
Hinampas siya ni Lau at pinandilatan ni Ella. Haha. These girls still think there should be something going on. Oh my gosh.
Natawa nalang ako sa kanila.
Ly: Ano ba naman kayo. Kief and I have always been friends.
I looked at Kief for his approval and he gave me and the girls a timid smile.
Masama bang ganto ako makitungo sa kanya? I mean, contrary to their beliefs, I have truly moved on. When I see him, I only see memories which were beautiful and thankful for. Sobrang dali ba? Well, it was kind of a good thing that what we had didnt become so real. That saved me from digging myself a deeper hole to climb up of. And I think sa tagal naming nagkikita pero di nagpapansinan, it's about time. We almost have the same circle of friends and I am certainly not the type to shun away a person just because of a history.
There was an awkward silence as the girls seemed to really dissect the situation. I dont know about Kief but its okay with me. It must be okay with him since he hasnt invested that much e.
Von decided to clear his throat.
Von: Tama na nga yan. Pag sinabi nilang okay sila, okay sila. Diba idol, Paps?
Ly: Uh-huh. Kayo talaga kung anu iniisip niyo.
Lau: Ang weird lang kasi diba...
Ly: Drop it na, Lau. The present is what matters.
I smiled at them ulit before turning towards my piece of ube cake. I sliced it carefully habang nagpapatuloy na sa pakikipagkwentuhan sa kanila. Nasa kalagitnaan ako ng pagslice ng last piece when I heard him same my name.
Kief: Ly...
Biglang natahimik ang lahat sa table. Hay eto na naman sila. So I casually looked up.
Kief: Welcome back.
Tumango nalang ako sa kanya. Just then my phone alarm went off. Damn bilis naman ng oras. I have to get back to school for class.
Ella: Nubayan besh. Kala ko ba you're ours on weekdays?
I turned it off muna.
Ly: Unfortunately for you, share kayo ng time with my profs. Anyway, i have to go. Baka pagalitan na naman ako pag nalate ako.
Kief: Uh Ly, pwede makisabay? Yung kotse ko kasi iniwan ko e tas may class din ako.
Ly: Sure. Tara. Pano guys, una na kami ni Kief ha. See you!
We bid our goodbyes. Nauna akong lumabas ng coffee shop, but I waited for him outside. I still have the decency to be kind and respectful towards friends. Sabay na rin kaming nagtungo sa kotse.
Wala kaming imikan. For me, it was comfortable silence. Wala akong sinasabi kasi wala naman akong dapat sabihin. And I think it's the same for him. He's not acting weird. And as ive said, he has also moved on.
Nung nakarating na kami ng school, I parked the car.
Kief: Thank you for the ride, Ly.
Tinignan ko siya and smiled. Gwapo pa rin naman siya. Actually, nothing changed. Ganun pa rin, if not better, ang physical attributes niya. If there's anything na nagbago, it's the way I look at him. He's just a friend to me now.
We both got out of the car. I figured sa kabilang building siya pupunta. Bago pa siya makalakad palayo, I called his attention.
Might as well, start anew di ba. I have already managed to get a clean slate for myself. We - I mean, our friendship - should have one, too.
Kief: What is it?
Ly: I think you should know that I never left.
I was pertaining to his welcome back statement a while ago. But he seemed to get it right away. He gave me the sweetest smile I have seen today.
Ly: Friends? I mean... Again? Start fresh?
He just laughed at me.
Kief: Cute mo po. Pero sige, sure. Friends. Sino ba naman ako para tanggihan ang napakasikat na star player ng volleyball diba?
Ly: Ha ha. Pag friend mo ba kelangan mo talagang bolahin?
Kief: Di noh. Pag friend ko, nagsasabi ako ng totoo.
Wow. E bat noon, friends tayo, pero di ka man lang nagsabi sakin ng totoong rason bat moko iniwan sa ere? JOKE! HAHA drama lang. Past is past.
Ly: Ewan ko sayo. Shoo! Alis na! Late ka na!
Kief: Sus. Sige na nga. Ikaw rin. Goodbye, new friend...again!
Ayan na naman tayo sa new friend na yan. But this time, Im gonna make sure it will not end the same way even if it started the same.
I am over you, Kiefer Ravena.
But thank you.
****************************
Bat feeling ko sobrang lame at subpar ng update nato? Haha
Anyway, have a happy holiday!
Ps: If youve read the previous chapters, you would understand the "new friend" thing :)