He charged at her like a deranged mad man, saliva forming foamy bubbles at the corner of his mouth, his eyes wide with rage. Desperate to evade his violent advance, her eyes darted anxiously from side to side searching for an escape route. Her hands shook furiously as they fumbled their way across the kitchen counter she was pinned against. She could feel the cold, hard surface of the marble under her sweaty palms. With an evil grin stretched wide across his face, he lunged at her again, mocking her, playing with her. He could see her terror, almost feel her fear; it excited him all the more. He took another swill from his beer can and charged at her a second time, then stood back, grinning at her again.
Like a deer in the headlights, she was frozen to the spot. The lead in her legs wouldn’t allow her to flee; she was barely able to breathe. Under her fingers she felt the sharpness of a blade, it pricked her fingertips as her hands slid over the handle. Still fixed on the man before her, she seized the knife and thrust it out in front of her, waving it frantically, warning him to back off. He stared at the knife momentarily before bursting into a fit of laughter.
"And just what do you intend to do with that?" he asked, raising the beer to his thin, dry lips.
She tightened her grip on the knife, struggling to steady her trembling hands.
"Feeling brave, are we?" he teased her, sarcasm dripping from his words.
She opened her mouth, but nothing came out. With one more swallow, he emptied the beer can, threw it at her and ran in her direction, with his fists flying.
Anna awoke, her body shuddering and drenched in sweat. She sat up and pulled her knees to her chin, the way she always did when she had that dream. For a few minutes, she sat there, rocking back and forth on her bed like a frightened child. Under the covers, she could feel her toes curling, and then uncurling, a ritual often performed when she was anxious. Inhaling deeply, she drew back as much air as could fill her lungs and then exhaled slowly, trying to release the tension and anxiety that filled her. She then stretched out her arms and legs and shook them. With a snap of her wrist, Anna threw back her covers and hunched over on the side of the bed, folding her arms across her stomach.
That dream had always haunted her. Like a ghost from the past it would rise up and cut her down just when she thought she was safe. She had tried everything, medication, therapy, hypnosis, and yet nothing could free her from the demons of her past. Even when she married Ben, a man she thought would protect her, the nightmares continued. He too had failed her.
Ben had never understood her, he may have tried, but he never quite figured out what made her tick. All she wanted was a little support, someone to tell her she made a differ-ence in the world. For a while she thought that becoming a Mother would be the answer, but it just never happened. Oh they had tried, yet all it seemed to do was drive an even bigger wedge between them. No matter how she attempted to communicate with Ben, he just seemed closed off from her, distant. Their marriage spiraled downward from there until there was nothing left between them.
The only good thing that had come out of her attempts at healing herself was her job. Anna had been so impressed with her therapist that she chose the same path. Although her counsel-ling hadn’t been a complete success, it hadn’t exactly been a waste of time either. The insight she had gained from simply talking to people was amazing. She had learned to understand them, why they acted as they did and best of all; she knew that with the right words and proper encouragement, she could help them alter their lives. In a life ruled by dominance, she had learned empowerment.
Once she had started her job, it hadn’t taken Anna long to realise what had been missing in her life. Pride, accomplishment, control. These things had all flocked to her in her role as a counsellor, it had changed her life in ways she had never dreamed possible. For so long she had been forced to rely on someone else to provide for her, take care of her, now she saw that she was capable of doing all of that for herself. She felt like the hungry caterpillar that buried itself deep within its cocoon and emerged as a radiant butterfly. Sure, the study had been a bit of a slog for her, but it had paid off in spades.
At least that was one thing Ben had shown a slight interest in, he had given her the money to get up and running in an office of her own. Whether it was just a last ditch attempt he made to try and save their marriage, Anna wasn’t sure, but it certainly got her off on a good foot professionally.
Anna rubbed her hands over her face before glancing at her alarm clock on the bedside table. 11.25pm. She reached down and grabbed the bottle of Evian from the floor beside her bed and took a sip. The freshness of the water gave rise to a calming affect and her fraying nerves began to retreat. Just as she gathered her thoughts and started to relax herself, the tele-phone let out a shrill wail, frightening her yet again and sending her pulse racing off in a wild frenzy.
"Hello."
"Anna, it’s me."
"Ben, hi. It’s late, is everything okay?" She asked, her concern evident.
"Oh yeah," He paused before adding, "Sorry about the hour. Did I wake you?"
Anna sat further back on her bed and leaned heavily against her pillows.
"No, I was up," She answered.
"Still not sleeping?" Ben asked.
"Actually I’m sleeping just fine of late," She lied, hoping she had sounded convincing. "I was sitting here going over some case notes, the usual exciting stuff."
Anna knew Ben was well aware of her nocturnal habits. There was scarcely a night went by, when they were married, that she slept solidly without waking up in a cold sweat or trembling to the core. Whenever he had tried to comfort her or explore why she was so fright-ened, she withdrew and became hostile toward him. Ben had tried to penetrate her walls of secrecy; but he had never able to break through. Anna made sure of that. She believed that there were some things a husband just didn’t need to know about his wife. Her personal demons were just that, hers, and she was going to fight them on her own.
"And how has your week been?" Ben pried, if for no other reason than to keep her on the line.
"Well," She started, "I have one possible suicide and three up and coming divorces, not to mention the never ending throngs of misguided souls just searching for a direction in life." Anna took another sip of water and then began wrapping the tight rings of the telephone cord around her index finger and then untangling it again.
"Sounds like a tough week?"
"I’ve had worse I guess. How about you Ben, how are you?" The line fell silent for what felt like forever to Anna. "Ben… are you still there?"
"Huh, oh yeah, I’m here," He blurted out.
Anna knew that Ben worried that if he didn’t answer soon, she would hang up. She would often hang up on him, generally because the conversation became too awkward or too sensitive for her. He usually wanted to discuss their separation and the chance of a reunion, whereas all she wanted to do was lock him and their failed marriage, as far out of her new life as was possible. That generally meant she felt forced to end their calls so she didn’t have to go over it again. She had moved on with her life and had no desire to want to rehash the past. Ben, on the other hand, wanted desperately to try again with her. Ben had loved her for the past twenty odd years, Anna was aware of that and she knew he found it difficult to simply turn those feelings off.
"Listen Anna," He began, "About the divorce… "
"Ben, please… I don’t want to do this again," She cut him short.
"No, no, no. Just hear me out," He pleaded.
Anna sighed and said, "Make it quick Ben."
"I was thinking that if it’s what you really want…" His voice began to crack.
"Go on," Anna encouraged him.
"Then I will sign the papers." Ben choked back his emotion and added, "You can pick them up from my solicitor tomorrow afternoon."
Anna was speechless. For so long, Ben had been fighting the divorce. She was so accustomed to his resistance that his apparent turn around had caught her completely by surprise. It was the last thing she had expected to hear from him.
"You will? Thank you Ben," Was all she could manage to say.
"I am always here for you Anna… remember that."
"Ben, I…" The line was disconnected before she could say anymore.
She placed the receiver back onto the cradle and stared at it for sometime before the weight of the conversation dawned on her. It had never occurred to her that Ben would, at any stage, stop resisting the divorce, let alone agree to it and serve it up on a silver platter. Much to her surprise, this new development didn’t feel as enriching as she had anticipated. Anna reached for her Evian again, hundreds of incomprehen-sible thoughts spinning through her mind.
A rush of anger suddenly coursed through her, how dare he tell her that he would grant the divorce? Who did he think he was? She would have gotten the decree anyway; nobody could have stopped that, least of all Ben Torrens! Anna raised her water bottle above her head and threw it across the room. It hit the wall with a loud crack, spraying water all over the pale mauve paint and knocking a photo of her and Ben to the floor. She flung herself face down onto her bed and began to sob hysterically, once again; the power had been taken away from her.