My tenth birthday— I remember it vaguely, but I'll never forget the twisting discomfort when my mother spent the entire afternoon before dinner grilling me about never succumbing to laziness, never settling for anything less than the best—my best—and never growing up to become one of those people.
"If you can't be my daughter, then don't," My mother had told me with cold conviction. "I have a check here that'll save both of us a lot of time and heart. A check my mother should have handed my sister as soon as she slammed the door in both of our faces, but she was too soft."
Her words were a product of her anger towards her ever-disappointing, never-considerate sister, but no matter how many times I repeated in my head that it was just her way of venting anger, I couldn't help but feel like failure was my imminent future. I suppose such feelings were unfounded, but that gut-wrenching self-loathing sent me running to my room after greeting the guests that arrived at the door.
That was one of the lowest points of my childhood, however childish, but it was also the day Calum became my best friend—my confidant that I could spill my worries to.
"You have to come downstairs and eat cake or I won't give you my present!" he had teased me, trying to cheer me up. "I got you something really nice this time!"
It was a telescope, as I would find out— hand-purchased from a streetside store. Calum helped me put it together, teaching me about the night sky with his big "astro-nomy" book of wonders. Together, we outlined constellations from seemingly indifferent specks in the navy expanse of the night sky.
We spent that summer raving about the innumerable burning dots before our worlds shifted from "goofing around" to "learning about responsibilities" during the transition from elementary to middle school. During that transition, the stars went into the closet and my life became focused on the future.
Thinking about it now, it seems a bit childish that I escaped by distracting myself with the great unknowns. But then again, I was a child then.
---
Calum Remington.
Varsity quarterback and one of the hottest and most desirable males on campus.
My close friend since before we were old enough to fully understand our responsibilities. We had attended the same set of esteemed private schools since elementary and known each other since before we could tie shoelaces.
Friends was an understatement— we were much too intimate for that label, but lovers wasn't it either. We didn't do dating. Not then, not now. Love was a unfathomable label. We were much too drawn to each other by physical attraction and shared experiences than to try to classify our ties as 'love'.
But... Did I love him?
Our parents would definitely approve, no doubt about that. No one likes a weak link in the family, least of all my mother. Her sister had insisted upon marrying a man she had met at a party who was leagues away from her in wealth and status. My mother's family had pleaded multiple times for her to reconsider, but her sister would have none of it. She ran off with her lover to Vegas and ended up married and pregnant. Four years after that, she had a beautiful little girl and piles and piles of debt that her husband had accumulated through his gambling addiction.
Luckily, my mother's family was able to help her pay off her debts after her husband died in a drunk driving incident where he was the one at fault. My mother helped pay most of her sister's loans, but their relationship was never quite the same. My mother was the epitome of perfectionism, and such a person would never quite forgive another for casting aside their advice before crawling back defeated. "Weak links," she would tell my father when he inquired my mother about inviting her sister over, "should be replaced." So Calum would please her very much.
But I...
Is it even possible that I love a man who I had never even considered dating before? Is it possible to love a him when I only have a completely physical and familial relationship with him?
And why am I so unsettled when I'm so close to choosing no?
---
"Quinn, I don't—"
"Just get in there," Karen said, shoving me into the library. The girls were convinced that it was better for me to confront Calum right before he committed the "crime" so that he couldn't deny it. They, of course, ignored my protests and dragged me to the library to stand guard for Calum, promising that they'd be right outside if I needed them to back me up.
So there I was, skimming my manicured nails over worn book spines as I waited patiently for the unsuspecting individual to arrive.
French manicures were the only designs I accepted on my nails these days, and I had them redone at least every other week to keep them in pristine shape. There was something about the design's simplicity that radiated a calm, sophisticated aura. A woman with french manicured nails could easily be seen as elegant, even intelligent. Unlike other colors and designs, the french manicure was simple and straightforward, giving it a level of sophistication and individuality that only a person with a french manicure can achieve. As Stacy liked to say, it was a design made and perfected for royalty.
"Stells?" a voice asked, jolting me from my thoughts.
"Cal," I greeted, unconsciously tucking a loose lock of hair behind my ear before dropping my hand to my side. I would not be intimidated by confusing thoughts and emotions.
"So what brings you to the library?" Cal asks, leading me into a study room before setting his bag on a table and unpacking his stuff. A binder and a notebook came out of the bag— things the disorganized Calum I knew would never have had.
"I could ask the same of you Cal," I said, tracing my hands over the rim of the chair I stood over. "But news travels fast. So, Cal, you got a tutor?"
"Oh, you heard about that already?" he asked, smiling. "Yeah, Kim— Kimberly. You met her, remember? She's really smart, but we're just studying together. You know rumors— they blow up the truth."
"Huh," I said, swallowing. So it had been an exaggeration. So why was I here? What did I hope to achieve by confronting him? "Well, I—"
"Cal!" a disheveled Kimberly panted as she ran into the room. Her wind-blown hair and unzipped backpack that hung haphazardly on one arm signaled that she had just ran quite a distance to meet up with Calum— something that made me slightly annoyed.
"Hey Kim, what's the big rush? You know that you can be a little late to these meetings— I won't always be on time," Calum laughed, causing Kimberly to smile at him.
"Sorry, I was just checking in with Mr. Jones about the final," she explained, tucking a strand of her brown locks behind her ear. I felt that twinge of annoyance again, clenching my hand tightly around the chair before relaxing again.
Kimberly started taking her supplies out of her bag— a pastel orange notebook and a bookmark-riddled textbook— before noticing me.
"Oh, hey, uh, Stella," she said, taking a moment to recall my name. I could barely contain my annoyance as she smiled at me, clenching my teeth and smiling in return. It was insane how much she was getting to me for doing absolutely nothing.
"Hey Kimberly," I greeted, clenching the chair tightly and letting my nails dig in slightly. "So, what class does Cal need help with?"
"Ah, that would be Introduction to Marketing," Calum said, scratching his head and flashing me an awkward grin. "I can barely keep up with the professor, but Kim here seems to know everything. So I thought, 'why not ask her study with me for the finals?'"
I bit my tongue to refrain from asking why he didn't come to me first. I didn't tell anyone apart from those in the clique about how I do on exams— it was like social suicide to let people know that you spend all your supposed downtime studying rather than posting on social media and partying. Luckily, I've managed to scrape by with my own flat off-campus, but I've had a fair share of late nights in order to be well-prepared for tests after attending events.
"I don't do that well— O' Conner does better!" Kimberly said, shaking her head. "However, you can't be seen with a nerd, can you Calum?"
"What are you talking about?" Cal asked innocently, raising his hands up in mock-surrender. "I've never had anything against geeks— they're free to talk with me if they want to."
"Do you mind if I study with you guys?" I blurted out before I could stop myself, instantly regretting what I had said. What could I hope to accomplish with—
"Sure!" Kimberly said cheerfully, beaming at me. "The more the merrier, right?"
"Yeah, but not today— I've got to run. Previous engagements and all of that. I'll get out of your way now," I said, smiling apologetically before making a beeline for the exit. As soon as I was out of the building, I headed straight for the bathroom, trying to reign myself in.
Oh my— words could not even begin to describe what I felt. I was annoyed— no doubt— but what was the point? It's not like Calum is dating her— he doesn't date! And studying together was perfectly reasonable. I would be wasting my time if I studied with them— what could I hope to gain by sitting there and listening to them ramble?
"Stella!" Quinn gasped, bursting into the bathroom. Her entrance was followed by that of Karen, Whitney, and Stacey. "What—"
"Quinn," I said, rubbing my temples. "Can we just..."
I trailed off, not knowing what to say. Did I want to ask them to leave Cal with Kimberly? Did I want them to go after her? Either one would happen as soon as I requested it.
"Oh, Stella," Karen said, coming up and hugging me. "It's all right. We'll get him back."
"No— I just—"
"Stella, we won't let Kimberly take Calum from you," Stacey assured, also hugging me. I relaxed into their arms, not knowing what else to do.
That's what I want, isn't it. To keep Calum.
He's mine.
---
Author's Note:
Hey everyone, hope you like Kimberly ;) Vote/comment to let me know what you think, and thanks elenie_cherie for the awesome cover!
Littlewhims