I always used to suck at staring contests. But there's something about Thomas's washed out blue eyes that's so easy to stare right into, stubbornness set in both my jaw and my shoulders, squared with my arms crossed. He stares right back, too, calm and collected as always. Patient. It pisses me off.
It started with a question. "Have you been taking your medication, Eren?"
An answer. "No."
Without missing a beat: "Why not?"
And then the staring began. After what felt like a minute or so, I started counting the ticks of the second hand of the clock on his desk. 200 seconds of staring, and counting.
What am I supposed to tell him, that the tea mixture that's supposed to help my PTSD gives me strange dreams, or that it gives it a strange, salt-like flavor that I hate because the flavor of tea is all I really have left of Levi? Right.
There's very little I can say to him that won't give away the true relationship that went on behind what everyone thought. I don't know what he'd do or say if he ever found out, but I have no intention of finding out.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised that he could tell I haven't been taking it, though. The littlest things set me off. I tend to curl in on myself a lot, or hug my knees in a pathetic fetal position because I'm afraid of everything around me. The meds didn't fix it, but the two times I took them, they calmed my mind...until the strange dreams started.
"Do they help?" he finally asks.
Do I lie? "Sort of."
"Care to elaborate?"
"No."
He sighs, runs a lazy hand across his wrinkled forehead. "You have to keep taking them, Eren, or they won't help at all."
Tell me something I don't know, old man.
"Okay," he lets out in another sigh. "Well then let's talk. Did you dream last night?"
I size him up for a second longer. "Yeah."
"About?"
"Rory was eaten."
"By a titan?"
He doesn't miss my flinch. "No, by a horse," I roll my eyes, and then can't help but snort at the unfortunate joke, what with Rory's father being Jean and all...
His bushy brows lift, and I try to count the wrinkles on his forehead before they're gone. I only make it to about ten. "Explain to me what's amusing about your dream," he presses.
"Nothing."
He's getting tired of my quipped, sarcastic answers, but I couldn't be having more fun with him. This is what's amusing. The dream? Not nearly.
"Then why are you laughing?"
"It wasn't a laugh."
Third sigh, and he leans back. "Okay. Recount the dream for me."
I stiffen, and suddenly all my playfulness has vanished, just like the smoke from a pipe disappears into the air. The staring starts over.
"Remember what we talked about," he says. "Once you talk about it, you can make peace with it and let it go."
"Easier said than done." I suddenly can't look at him anymore. My trachea seems to contract and air's harder to suck in.
"I understand."
Anger strikes through me - hot, quick, familiar. Never mind not being able to look at him anymore; I glare, hoping my eyes burn holes right through him like I can shoot heat out of them or something.
"What?" I grind out through my teeth.
"Your thoughts are difficult to talk about, and I understand that," he says calmly, like he can't sense my rage.
"Like hell you do," I spit.
Thomas leans forward again, gently placing his hands on his desk with the oodles of patience he seems to have. "Take a deep breath, Eren. We all have things that are hard to talk about. You're not alone and-"
"Shut up," I sneer. "Shut the hell up and stop blabbering on like you know what it is to be faced with those giant man-eating beasts!" My voice raises with every word; anger boils up from my very core. "Like you know what it is to breathe in death and watch the people you called your friends die right in front of you when there's nothing you can do about it!" I'm practically screaming now, leaning forward to get in his face. Dizzy; hot, angry tears pool in my eyes and distort his already wrinkled-to-hell face. "Or like you know what it's like to let everyone who was depending on you down because you can't transform anymore! Like...like you've watched the only person you've ever truly loved die right in your arms! Just...just SHUT UP!"
My breathing is ragged, my face just inches from this bastard's with my hands clamped around the edge of his desk, knuckles white. I'm shaking with so much anger that my vision actually tints red, and if I get any dizzier I know I'll throw up, but at this point I couldn't care less.
And Thomas is nothing short of shocked, maybe even a little fearful. He's leaned back, eyes just a bit wider than normal.
I don't know how much time passes before he finally says, "You're dismissed."
I seize my sketchbook from his desk and whirl around and out of the office, making it a point to slam the door behind me. The sound reverberates through the hallways, but I don't stop. Once I'm outside, I start running blindly with no destination in mind. It's as if the fresh air cleanses me, because the more of it I gulp in past sudden borderline hysterics, the more my anger dissipates like it's boiling water that's been removed from the heat.
Somehow I end up beneath the tree Mikasa gave me the news about Rory under. I plant my back against the trunk and slide down, ignoring the way my shirt catches the bark and scrapes at my exposed skin. With my sketchbook hugged to my chest, I press my face into my knees, curling in on myself and squeezing my eyes shut as the memories rush forward, dragging pain along with them.
* * *
That was the last time I saw Thomas before we left. The night before, I could still hear my own voice screaming at him as I tried to find rest. I considered bowing out of the "expedition", but something in my mind urged me to go. So I went.
We set out exactly a month after Armin told me the plan. A large carriage - drawn by two huge jet black horses I'd never seen - is stocked with nonperishable food, a few suitcases and sleeping bags, more books than I think to be necessary, and ourselves.
It's just the four of us - myself, Hanji, Armin, and Erwin, who, as commander, decided to tag along at the last minute despite still being in the middle of a few things with the Stationary Guard. Five, counting the carriage driver (who's name I missed).
The sun is just barely making its appearance over the eastern horizon when we depart from the gate. It's a little unnerving, being out there without the protection of maneuver gear or a formation with hundreds of other soldiers surrounding on horses. Being able to see across the land of the outside world - so alive and waiting to be explored, with dew droplets clinging to the grass glinting in the light of sunrise - nags at my PTSD. My mind has been trained to, from the minute we exit the gate, to be on the lookout for titans, to listen for orders and stay in formation.
But there are no titans. No orders, no one to give them. And no formation to follow.
I sit on the edge of one of the benches inside the carriage wrapped in Levi's cloak with my knees up, closed sketchbook in my lap, peering out at the passing world. All we see so far is what we're already familiar with. What's beyond that is what we seek; my stomach flutters a bit with anticipation, both nervous and excited.
But I can't stop thinking of the way I screamed at Thomas less than a day ago, or how I didn't go back to apologize. Over and over I rethink what I said, knowing it gave away far too much and probably had the old man shitting his pants where he sat at the venom seething in my voice. I carry a bubble of resentment for myself in my chest because of it.
"We plan to go eighty kilometers before we stop and rest," Hanji explains, breaking me temporarily from my thoughts of self-loathing. "So if you have to pee, better hold it. Or, I suppose you boys can just tinkle out the window, but it isn't very ideal." They wink in our direction. Armin just shakes his head, and the commander doesn't even look up from his map.
Hanji plops down on the bench next to him. "Once we get past our usual boundaries, we'll start mapping things out."
They explained to us (or me, really) a few days ago that this little expedition was an experiment, a beta test for bigger ones to come in the future, to map out the planet and take it back in the name of humanity. The pride in their eyes was so contagious, it compelled me even further to come.
Eighty kilometers is a lot longer than it sounded at first. Eventually, my ass goes numb and I have to shift around. I draw a bit, too. Trees, or the inside of the carriage. A horse. Just to pass the time.
Hanji, of course, announces when we've gone further than ever dared before, supposedly indicated by something in the distance I don't even see. They and Armin get to work mapping out the things they see, instructing the carriage driver to slow us down a bit. I can't imagine how the hell they're doing that, but I've learned over the years not to question their brains and over-the-top methods. The fascination and happiness in their eyes, though, as opposed to the grim expressions we all know way too well from back then, is enough for me.
By the time the carriage has come to a stop, I've dozed off. Armin shakes me awake, his tired but shining sky-blue eyes only a few inches from my face as I manage to peel my eyelids open.
"Look!" he says excitedly. What? Are we at the ocean already? He points out the window; my eyes follow his finger across unfamiliar land - hills covered in grass; some kinds of trees I'd never seen before; large rocks; and beyond that...giant, jagged looking things, reaching up toward the sky and coming to a point, a hazy blue-green color with splotches of white here and there, particularly at the tops, right at the horizon, jutting out of the ground.
"Mountains!" Armin gushes. Quickly, he pulls his hair back to the nape of his neck and ties it off with a string before hopping out of the carriage to join Erwin and Hanji a ways away, gazing across toward the strange looking things.
I rub the sleep out of my eyes, a great curiosity surging in my blood, and follow Armin's path. We stand in a line. A breeze kicks up, light and soft, carrying with it a scent I've never known. It's...earthy, somewhat dusty, fresh, maybe even a little floral. I inhale it until my lungs are aching from being at full capacity and I'm forced to release it through my nose.
Absently, I can hear the other three making conversation a ways off while I can't take my eyes off of the scene in front of me. It reminds me of why I fought back then for all those years, of why I wanted to join the scouts in the first place. It's humbling. Fulfilling.
But not complete.
* * *
The journey continues the next morning. We're pulled away from the mountains just after the sun hefts itself out of its bed over their peaks, silhouetting them and casting their shadows across the grass. I feel like a child as we pull away and continue east, watching the giant land formations grow smaller and smaller with every thud of a horse hoof.
"I wish you could be here to see this, too," I whisper. The wind swallows up my words, and some ill part of my mind believes it carries them to wherever he is.
* * *
Jagged mountains and rolling hills; giant craters in the ground; rushing waterfalls fueling wide rivers to small, trickling streams; large, dark, green forests and jungles. Things my mind, still trapped within cages with my comprehension confined only to what I learned growing up behind those forsaken walls will not let me understand, but hold a profound amount of beauty and diversity. These are the things that have not been perceived by human eyes for centuries. Awe. Adoration. Even shock. We feel them all.
And I barely have the capacity to enjoy any of it.
Every night as I curl up in a sleeping bag on the flattest part of the ground I can find, usually a ways away from the others, I still hear myself yelling at Thomas. I still find myself wishing Levi were here. My conscience plays out his death over and over, and it's like the blades of daggers being buried in my heart. Some nights I end up crying like a stupid little kid. Fruitless wishes is what it all is.
And sleep is no escape, because my I'm haunted in my dreams, too. I wake up often, paranoid a titan will come booming in attracted by our scent and ready to gobble us up like a starved dog.
Eventually I lose track of how long we've been out here. Fortunately, Hanji has been keeping a tally. Sixteen days, they tell me. But hell, it's felt like ten times as long as that.
The seventeenth and eighteenth day are rainy, but by the nineteenth day we've made it to the end of the storm system and the falling water subsides, showing us the vast sky again.
The twentieth day is when we find it. I don't see it at first; it blends right into the sky, and we're still too far to see any detail. But Armin sees it like he's known exactly what to be looking for. Hanji sees it next, their eyes sparkling with wonder just like Armin's. I'm the last to get it, thinking they're crazy until my eyes finally pick up the difference in motion at the edge of the sky. A stirring of sorts. Darker than where the atmosphere kisses the earth, and spanning left and right over a distance that's dizzying to comprehend. We speed up, and the closer we get, the more palpable the aroma of salt becomes. Trees are more sparse. Armin and I have our heads out the window, watching it come closer and closer until we can see the edge of it, pushing and pulling up onto the land, over a substance that almost looks like dirt, but is lighter in color, grainier, and glints a bit in the afternoon light. On the other end, the grass ends where the earthy substance begins, and that's where we stop.
Armin, of course, is the first to scurry out before the carriage has come to a complete stop and the driver has put the brakes on. His enthusiasm and excitement brings forth the memory again of when we discovered the probability of this giant thing existing in that book, of that sparkle in his eyes as he spoke about the day we would be able to see it with our own eyes. Those were just pipe dreams back then, but now...
I follow the blond off of the carriage; he's already at the edge of the grass, kneeling down and running his hands through the shifty substance on the ground. I can't see his face, but I can imagine his expression. Just as I reach him, a holler of celebration sounds from behind. Hanji.
"We made it," Armin breathes as I kneel down next to him. "We...we actually made it." He's brimming with disbelief.
I find it in me to smile and drag a finger through the earthy substance. "What is this?" I ask.
"Sand," he says. "That's the name it was given in the book."
I pick up a few grains between the pads of my forefinger and thumb. It's softer than dirt. Warm from the sun. I push my fingers underneath it, smile a little more. There's something empty about the expression, I can feel it inside, but I don't let it show. This was Armin's ultimate dream; I don't want to ruin it with my petty internal issues.
Unexpectedly, he grabs my wrist and hauls me to his feet. With an enthusiastic, 'come on!', he drags me toward the edge of the water where it laps up onto the sand, keeping it wet. We stand back a bit and look across, the scent of the saltwater filling our lungs, a cool spray floating through the air and washing gently over our skin. Strangely, the motion of the water sounds like wind, but wetter somehow. A breeze swirls around us, lifting my hair, Levi's cape, rippling through our clothes.
"How deep do you think it goes?" Armin asks, but of course I have no answer. "The book said it covers something around seventy percent of the entire planet, and it's all saltwater. I wonder what lives down there..." He goes on and and on with his ponderings, both of us staring across the blue-green surface like we're trying to find the end of it at any point, though we can't.
Eventually he runs off across the sand in the direction of Hanji, kicking off his shoes, the balls of his face creating miniature craters in the surface of the ground. Before I even consider following, a hand is placed on my shoulder. I flinch at the unexpected contact and turn to find Erwin standing behind me. He's not looking at me, of course, but at the endless body of water with a smile on his face, his eyes reflecting the water.
"Did you ever think we'd make it this far?" he asks.
I answer him honestly. "No."
"Neither did I. But we did. Thanks to those two." He nods in the others' direction. "And you."
"I don't think I played a big part in killing them all off," I mumble.
"Maybe not a big part, but you did. You helped us take back what's rightfully ours."
I force a swallow. "Wall Maria." That seems so small and insignificant now, being here and comparing it to this vast, unknown thing in front of us.
"Yes. And this."
I don't understand what he means, but I decide not to question him further. I simply want to revel in the moment. Eventually, Erwin's hand falls from my shoulder and he walks away, but not before saying, "He would be proud of you, Eren."
Moments after his footsteps have faded out of earshot down the edge of the sand, I sink to my knees, pull the sketchbook - something that's been tucked under my arm the whole time - into my lap, slide the pencil from the spiral. I want to draw this. I want him to see it, too. I don't know how well my hand and the graphite will be able to capture this magnificent, ever-changing picture of beauty, but I have to try. This art, I feel, is my closest connection to him, and if there's anyone I want to share this with, it's him. Always him.
I must sit there for hours, glancing up and down between the beauty in front of me and the shit I try to create on the page. I tear through four, five, six pages before giving up. I can't put anything on the page worthy of it, let alone worthy of showing to Levi. Like he's still here and waiting for me to get back and show him a stupid picture.
I'm crazy. So fucking sick in the head...
I shut the book and toss it away out of frustration, somewhere up in the dry part of the sand, and pull my knees up. Rest my chin on one of them. The sun has gone from hanging high and proud among the clouds to low and lazy near the horizon. Its rays cast and reflect across the water, and as it moves, looks like a thousand golden, dancing stars. I stare at it until it's little more than a glow and I realize the voices have disappeared.
In a strike of panic, I whip around only to find a barefooted Armin crossing the sand in my direction. Before reaching me, he retrieves my sketchbook and brushes the sand from it; holds it out and sits down next to me after I take it.
"You should get something to eat," he says. He begins shifting his fingers through the sand, buries his toes in it.
"I'm fine."
"You've been sitting here since midday. I think you're probably hungry."
He's right, but that doesn't mean I have an appetite - especially not for another can of room temperature soup. I put my head back down and mimic his actions, picking up a handful of sand and letting it slip through my fingers. It's silent for a while; eventually the sun and all of its light has disappeared, leaving the water to reflect the stars and light of the pale moon instead.
"I almost don't want to leave," Armin tells me after a while. "Years of waiting to get here only to be able to enjoy it for a few hours. It's not fair."
"You'll come back," I assure him.
He hums in agreement. "Will you?"
"Maybe."
Another hum. "I think about how my parents escaped the walls to seek this out a lot." He spreads his legs out in front of him. "I know they didn't make it this far, but I sometimes like to think their spirits did."
I glance over at him. A sad smile is spread across his lips; a few strands of his hair dance in the wind, his hands stilled in the sand.
"I bet they did. I bet they all did. Before us."
He turns that smile on me and nods. "I bet you're right." A beat of silence. "I expected to die myself out there."
"Out where? Out here?"
A breathy laugh. "Yeah, I guess so. I was never physically strong, you know. I was lucky, I suppose."
"If it's luck that kept you alive, then it was what kept all of us alive. Any of us could've gotten eaten out there at any moment..." Flash. Blood. Broken gear. Flash, flash. Eyes on fire. Flash. Grass stained by a puddle of crimson.
'And thank you, Eren...for making all this shit worth it in the end...'
"Eren?"
I lean over, pressing my palms to my temples as the memories flash, blindingly fast, behind my eyelids.
'Shut up!'
Pain.
'Like you know what it is to breathe in death...!'
Flashes.
'Like you've watched the only person you've ever truly loved die right in your arms!'
Burning. Stop. Oh, god, stop this pain...
I think I hear my name, I think I feel something cold wash over my feet, but overall I feel like I'm vibrating, like something is shaking me from the inside and I can't stop it, I can't, I can't...
'Yeah, Eren. I'll stay.'
At the top of my lungs I scream, "You lied!!"
* * *
"Do you think we'll ever win this war?"
"Maybe."
Eren pressed his forehead to Levi's bare chest, shutting his eyes. What kind of answer was 'maybe'?
"Maybe you think about it?"
"No," Levi muttered in the tone that suggested he thought Eren was an idiot. He did, but Eren never minded. "I think maybe we'll win."
"Hm."
"Why do you ask?"
"Because I'm tired of being caged like an animal."
Levi blew air out of his nose, something just short of a chuckle. "I know."
"I want to see the ocean," he said, suddenly flopping onto his back and spreading his limbs out, searching for one of Levi's hands among the sheets in the dark.
"The...ocean?" Levi asked, sliding his fingers between Eren's, turning onto his back as well.
"Mhm. Something Armin told me about when we were kids."
"And how the hell does Armin know about it?"
"A...book." Eren felt his cheeks heat up a bit, knowing the book in question was illegal. It wasn't like Levi was going to chew him out for it or anything, but it felt strange telling an authority figure he'd broken the law. Though, it seemed ridiculous to be nervous about that when Levi knew he and Mikasa had taken down three men with a knife when they were even younger.
"A book."
"Something his parents had...I don't know. But I want to see it someday."
"What is it?"
Eren recounted what he could recall about the enormous body of water, as well as other things he remembered about the book. Hot deserts and cold deserts and falling, rushing water and forests and jungles with more wildlife than his mind, only able to comprehend as much of the world as humanity had during those days, could comprehend.
"Sounds like a pipe dream to me," Levi murmured.
Eren swallowed and closed his eyes. "I know. I'll probably die before we can get there. But I can still hope."
Levi pulled Eren's hand up to his lips and gently kissed his knuckles. "And if you don't die before we get there? What will you do? Just rush out to find it?"
"Maybe." Eren grinned a bit, turned his head to look at the other, who'd already been gazing at him from the start. "Would you go with me?"
"Hmph," scoffed the corporal. "You're hopeless, aren't you?"
"What's that supposed to mean?" Eren grumbled, pulling his hand away and crossing his arms over his chest.
Levi propped himself up on an elbow, a brow cocked. "You know what it means, kid."
The brunette sized him up for a minute, trying to come up with a snide remark to reply with. When he could think of none, he merely rolled his eyes back to the ceiling and said, "You never answered my question."
"You want me to go with you, huh?"
"Yes."
"Then yeah. I'd go."
Eren couldn't help the smile that broke out across his face. He sat up and practically threw his arms around Levi's shoulders. Despite it being only a 'pipe dream', the simple thought of venturing beyond the walls without the threat of titans and discovering what the planet had to offer with the one who had his heart gave him more hope than he'd ever had. It multiplied his will to fight and protect. In that small moment, he truly believed they'd get there someday.
---
Disclaimer: I have never seen the ocean, so I did the best I could in describing it from what I've seen in, like, movies. I also kinda used my experience in having seen Lake Michigan and expanded on it a little but lmao idk, man.
Also, sorry if this feels a little rushed? I'm just really anxious to get to a certain part. Dx
Anyway, as always, thanks for reading and let me know what you think. ♥