(Follows the previous chapter)
Teri
I glided my left hand up and down Sherri's right arm, as we sit just inches away from each other, not knowing if the stage of intimacy was the right stage for us.
"No. We're not ready." Sherri confirmed, rising from my couch. I watched as she paced back and forth, with her head resting in the palm of her hands. We were still in the living area of my home, just seconds away from almost having sex. "You--you don't think we're moving too fast, do you?!"
My head moved from side to side, giving her my answer of 'no'. I didn't think moving too fast would be my concern. I wouldn't have minded taking that next step with Sherri. But, how could I have ever taken that step with her, when she wasn't one-hundred percent mine? "No. But, there is something else I would like to say."
She stopped pacing around, looking at me with eyes that wanted me to proceed.
"Sherri," I stood from the couch like she'd done. "What are we, really?! Lately, I've-"
"What're you talking about?" She stopped me. "Teri, you know where we stand. C'mon, you know what we are."
She was wrong. I hadn't known. Sometimes, it seemed that things were only serious between us when we were either discussing something Khamar had done or said that hurt her feelings. I knew that he had been a real ass to her lately, and I hated to say this, but it only seemed that we were actually something when Sherri needed a hug from me.
"Do I? 'Cause I can't help but feel as though I'm just here to give you a shoulder that your husband won't give. I mean, yeah we've enjoyed ourselves a couple of times." I began to trail off into the kitchen as Sherri followed. "But, it only seems that we have an actual relationship when I'm comforting you, or when you're crying to me about something in regards to Khamar."
After grabbing a bottled water from the fridge, which I found okay for her to do, Sherri turned to me with a puzzled expression dancing upon her face. "I'm sorry. Are you trying to accuse me of using you, or wanting to be with you because of solace?!" Her left brow rose.
"Love, I--I did not say that." I step closer, reaching my hands toward her.
"No, but it sounds like that's what you're trying to imply."
I didn't mean to make Sherri feel as though this was wholeheartedly her fault. If her impulsive acting husband hadn't caused her so much pain, she wouldn't need me to hold her as she hurt. I did not mind being here for Sher though, because I know she'd be there for me if the tables had turned. But, what I did mind, was feeling like my support was the only reason for the love she'd grown for me. "Sherri-"
"Teri, you know that Khamar and I are going through a really rough time, right now." She cut me off, yet again, as the both of us took a seat at my round, glass table. "Some days, it hits me harder than others, where I just need somebody there. I mean no harm, and I apologize if that comes off as any other way. But, I'm not gonna feel bad for just wanting someone like you to be here and tell me everything will be alright."
I reached across the table, placing her hands in mine. "My love, I don't want you to feel bad. I just want you to know how I feel."
"Mhmhm." She grew furious, beginning to speak quite sternly. "Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. Is there anything else you're upset about?!"
I laughed, ironically. "Well, since we're putting my emotions on the line, actually there is something I've been pretty upset about."
She looks at me sideways. "And, what might that be?"
I took a deep breath while preparing my next response in my throat, before releasing it. I wanted to make sure each upcoming word was very true from my heart and wouldn't bring offense to Sherri. "Listen, I know we can't help who we fall in love with. I know that. But, I--I don't want to feel that you're in love with both me and Khamar."
She sighed. She didn't disagree with my statement, nor did she protest that what I had said wasn't true.
"Something tells me you want the both of us, and that can't happen." I went on, sitting Sher's hands back on the table. "It just--just can't."
"So, what're you saying?!"
I grabbed at my chest all as my eyes stumbled onto the floor, giving answers without even speaking any words.
—
Sherri
I stared into the mirror that was stationed right above my bathroom's sink. After my heartfelt discussion with Teri yesterday, I drove home and cried the most I had ever cried. Not because we decided to break things off--we didn't end things. But, because I could tell that I was hurting her in some way, and that killed me inside. It only made the saying "hurt people hurt others" true.
I saw skin of a caramel shade, glistening in the shining light. Flowing curls, resting at the top of my head. I spotted a face--a face who had been complimented many times throughout it's journey of life. Lastly, but not least, I saw a woman. A woman who was not me. She had pain trapped underneath her beautiful, soft skin. With hurt and confusion living in the holes of her heart.
See, I used to know this woman. Used to know her from head to toe. But, that was before her soul endured such heartache and became weak. She used to be so happy, so full of life. Now, she was stuck between loving herself again and forgiving the man that made her question her self love in the first place.
Tears marched around my pupils, then raced down each side of my face, one by one.
She wanted to forgive him, she wanted to love him again. But, she had fallen so deeply in love with another woman who deserved the world and beyond, that she kept forgetting how to let go.
Her mind was so conflicted and confused. But, her heart knee just what it wanted. If only it had told her what it wanted before her old self drifted, she wouldn't feel so weak and indecisive, so hurt and so different.
Oh how I wished somebody—anybody—could help bring back the soul I used to know? The soul that used to be ready to defeat any battle that happened to stumble upon her path. The soul that used to be strong enough to handle every tribulation.
I mean, ain't it funny how reflections changed?
"Sherri?" A voice called out to me from outside the bathroom.
I quickly wipeed my face of cascading tears, hiding away my thoughts before opening the door.
"Yeah?"
Khamar, and the bebes were standing there fully dressed with jackets zipped all the way up.
He looked at me closely, sensing something abnormal. "Everything okay?"
Michael and John rushed to my side. I placed soft kisses on each tiny nose. "Yeah, I'm fine." I then looked up at Khamar. "Where are you guys headed?"
"I was just gonna take them out for a trip to the park. I didn't know if you were tagging along or not."
I breathed heavily as I thought of my answer. At first, I was going to say no, and that I'd just stay home considering I just had a break down and didn't feel the strongest. But, I couldn't even remember the last time the four of us left home together as a family. It had been so long, that I knew it was only right to tag along. "Yeah, I just gotta get my jacket." I smiled, then exited the restroom, entering me and Khamar's room.
—
While the boys went up and down on the plastic red slides, my husband and I sat just a few feet away, watching their every move.
"I'm sorry." Khamar spoke, as we sat side by side on the wooden bench.
I turned his way, giving him eyes full of astonishment for I didn't know his reasoning for apologizing. "About what?"
His pupils were drowning in tears. "For everything." He took his hands and placed them in mine. Something tingled, but it wasn't that same tingly feeling I used to get. I was afraid those sparks he once claimed had died out. Well, at least most of them.
"Thank you. For your apology." My head moves in an up and down fashion. "But, I uh-"
"Honey, when are we going to get past this?" Khamar cut me off, growing irritated.
I sighed. "You have to understand that you hurt me in a way like I've never been hurt." He moved his eyes in the direction of the boys. "Being hurt is like being in love. You just don't wake up one day and decide you're no longer in love. Same with being hurt. I just can't get over it when you need me to." I pause, catching my breath. "Things take time. And, that's what I need--time."
I watched as a swirl of worry covered my husband's body. He was truly worried for our marriage. But, then again, he was the reason he had to be. "Okay. So then, what if after all this time I'm letting you have, you realize that you don't want to be with me anymore?"
My top teeth gripped my bottom lip as I held back words I couldn't quite express. I wanted to tell him that that thought has been swimming around in my head now, for awhile. But, my heart held a different thought. And, that's where the problem lived. "Then, we'll just have to arrange a meeting with our lawyer."
—
Teri
After hours of shooting the twenty-first episode of The Fosters, the rest of the cast and I were notified that we could finally go home. I was excited to be back in my bed, but I also felt kind of down, considering Sherri and I barely communicated while on set. This was not like us. At all. We were always goofing off, playing around in between takes. None of that occurred today. I didn't really understand why. We shared quite a few words with each other back at my home, but we never agreed to end what we had started.
"I know everyone had been told we could leave, but were you really gonna leave without saying goodbye?" I asked Sherri, as I had entered our trailer, and seen her gathering all of her belongings.
She turned to me, throwing a puzzled expression my way. "I uh--I have someplace to be, and I just don't want to be late. That's all."
"Hmm. Sounds serious." I grab my hoodie from the coat rack.
"Yeah, I have to go to—" She stopped mid sentence, leaving me confused as to why. Was she afraid to tell me where she was headed? We usually had no problem telling each other everything.
"Go where?"
I grabbed my purse, which had been resting on the couch provided, then searched around in it for my keys.
"Uh..therapy."
My eyes shot straight up at Sherri. She never, not once, mentioned being in therapy. Why didn't she tell me? "You uh--you're in therapy?!"
"Well, actually--" She paused, taking heavy breaths. She seemed to be so nervous, and I had no clue as to why. "Khamar and I are...in therapy."
Hearing those words caused my heart to sink lower than any ship had. This was why she never made me aware--she wasn't in therapy for individual help. She was in therapy for her marriage. The last time I checked, couples that went to counseling, were couples that had hope. "H-how long have you two uh...been going to therapy?"
She sat the things she'd gathered when I first entered, back in their same position and spot. That told me there were some sort of explanation resting under her tongue. "For about a few months, now."
We began to walk closer to each other. "Um..you don't think..that's something you should've told me?!"
"Teri, I didn't know how to tell you." Regret hid in her pupils.
My brow rose. "Why not?! That should've been one of the first things to tell me. Couples in therapy have faith in their marriage. If you're seeing a therapist, then what are we doing?! Why are we seeing each other?!"
Sherri reached for my arm as tears formed in her eyes. "I'm sorry, okay? I don't want to lose you, Teri. I don't." I used my thumbs to wipe away her fallen tears. "I'm trying to let go of Khamar and everything he's put me through, but its not easy. At this point, I'm so torn about everything, and I've never been this torn in my life."
I sighed. I hated seeing her this way--crying and feeling down. But, I knew it was only because she felt guilty for not making me aware of something she should have. "Well, you sure have been very torn about who you want to be with. You say you want to be with me, but it doesn't seem like you want to end things with Khamar, either."
"Teri, do you know how hard it is trying to let go of the man I planned on spending my life with?!" She rose her voice while taking a few steps back. We weren't as close anymore. "Or, having to forget about the man I knew would make the perfect father to my children?! Do you honestly know how hard that is?!"
Swallowing my voice, I released exceptionally deep breaths as tears stumbled upon my cheeks. I was tired of waiting around for Sherri to make up her mind. Sometimes, I felt like I was her sidepiece, and I was nobody's sidepiece. I wanted to be with her, I wanted to love her and cherish her and flaunt her. I did not want to keep the love we had for eachother a secret. Why should we?
She told me she didn't want lose me, but sometimes you were supposed to lose what you had, to realize what you needed. Though I didn't want this to mark the end of us, I couldn't go on this way.
"Sherri, I'm terribly sorry for everything you've been put through. I truly am, and I wish I could change things. But, if letting go of Khamar and everything else has become the hardest thing you've ever had to do, then why are you even letting go?" I looked at her sideways. Her eyes were fighting to make it through each tear she cried. "Why are you fighting so hard to have something with me, when you know deep down in your heart, that you just want everything you had before. Your family, your marriage, your husband." I broke. I broke completely. Letting every tear own it's position. Letting every hurt spot in my heart feel what it needed to feel. "I know you want it all back, Sherri. I know you do. I can feel it! So, why are you letting go?!"
The two of us stood there, allowing silence to communicate for us. Each time Sherri tried wiping her face, more tears crowned a spot. I couldn't control my cries. I cried harder than I had ever, and I really didn't want to continue to do so. But, love could make you cry like it was your first time. Love could also take your heart to a place you never thought you'd go.
I covered my upper half with my hoodie, then grabbed my purse again, heading for the trailer's door.
"Teri?!" Sherri called out to me, wanting me to stay.
I turn from the door, then turned towards her. "I think you uh--you have a therapy session to go to."
She kept calling for me after I'd turned the knob, but I didn't bother looking back. Not even once.
A\N
Whewww. Thoughts?
-Not Edited.
-Chapter Dedication goddessoflovex
lovee_layaaa
scorpun ❤