I stared at the image of Barry on the screen in front of me. He was slumped against the wall of his cell, his head hung as he silently slept in the uncomfortable position. His left leg was stretched out in front of him with his right leg bent, making a "4" shape with his legs. There was a small plate of food by his left foot, but it looked untouched. I was guessing that he thought that it was poisoned or something those lines since this evil version of Barry didn't trust us. I didn't really blame him, either. If I had been in his position, I would have held off from eating anything for as long as I could. I'd learned that you can't trust the people who are holding you hostage, but I hated the idea that Barry wasn't eating. Since he digested everything at an accelerated rate, he had to eat more often. If he didn't eat, who knew what would happen to his body due to the lack of food.
I heard some clatter in the room to my left, and I tore my eyes away from the image of my partner to see Harry looking for something in the drawers next to Barry's treadmill. Before I was even able to get out of the chair, he was walking out of the room to go back down to Cisco's lab. I left my spot in front of the computer and followed him downstairs, finding this the most opportune time to confront him about the information I had on him since Cisco and Caitlin were busy. They were trying to figure out how to make something that would get Barry back to his old self. I was nowhere near a chemist, so I chose to let them be. So, instead of tearing myself up like I had been, I stealthily followed Harry downstairs. It was hard for me to walk past The Pipeline without thinking about Barry being in there, but I had bigger fish to fry at the moment.
I walked into Cisco's lab to see papers and small devices spread out across the desks. Harry had completely trashed this room in his search for something to stop Zoom, and I thought that it was a little disrespectful that he would do this to Cisco's space. "What do you want?" He asked bitterly, not bothering to look up from whatever he was doing.
"I know you're secret." I stated, sounding more like a five-year-old than a twenty-six-year old.
"And what secret would that be?" He sounded completely uninterested.
"That you're working with Zoom." He stopped everything that he was doing, his entire body going rigid. "That's right, Harry. I figured it out."
He looked at me, trying to hide the panic that was spreading through him. "What proof do you have about this?"
"I saw you with him the other night." I shared, slowly making my way towards him. "He gave you something and then left."
He rose from his chair. "You have absolutely no idea what you're getting into, nor do you have any idea what you're talking about."
"You did this to Barry, didn't you?" I accused, taking him by surprise. "Zoom gave you something that messed with his head, and he gave you more of it to keep him this way so that he can't fight, didn't he?"
"Ms. Chaplin, I suggest--"
"Answer my goddamn question before I'm forced to beat it out of you." I threatened, rage very present in my voice.
He sighed, taking his glasses off as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "Yes. I did this to Barry."
"Why?" I demanded, my voice much darker and more intimidating than I had wanted it to be.
"He has my daughter." He revealed, only surprising me slightly.
"So, you were willing to trade one life for another."
"You do not get to pass judgement on me." He stood his ground, trying to sound as intimidating as I did.
"And why not? You mentally raped one of my best friends, someone that has been nothing but kind and compassionate towards me since the moment he met me." He brought his hand up towards me, and, out of reflex, I grabbed his arm, twisted it behind his back, and slammed his head against the metal table next to us. He groaned in pain, and he earned no sympathy from me. "Do not raise your hand at me."
He fidgeted under my grasp as he turned his head to the side. "You don't get to pass judgement because you don't know what it's like to have children. You can't understand what it's like to do everything in your power to make sure that they make it home safely."
"That's where you're wrong." I stated, letting go of him. He rubbed his wrist as he looked down at me. "True, I don't have children to feel that way about, but I spent my entire childhood keeping my sister safe from the monster that lived inside our house. So, yes, I do get to pass judgement on you, but it is not because I understand why you did what you did. I pass judgement on you because you betrayed someone who was just trying to help you. Barry has been working relentlessly to try and take Zoom down, and you go behind his back and turn him into some crazed lunatic that obeys him?" I shook my head. "That's something that I cannot forgive, and I would be surprised if anyone else on this team will be able to forgive it."
"That's assuming that they find out, which they will not." He insisted, taking a dangerous step towards me.
"And what's to stop me from telling them what you've really been up to?"
"The fact that I'm not the only person in this building hiding something." I arched an eyebrow, not really caring if he knew at this point. "You hide your demons well, Ms. Chaplin, but you're hypocritical to criticize me on keeping this from the team."
"At least my secret didn't endanger the life of people who just want to help." I countered.
"Mere collateral damage in a larger plan."
I arched my eyebrows in shock as he went back to whatever it was he was doing. "Oh, so mine and Barry's lives are now collateral damage?"
He let out a frustrated breath before looking at me again. "Your secrets have their dangers as well, Ashton. You will cause a rift with each of the people that trust you by keeping whatever it is you're keeping from them. It may not be as detrimental as mine, but it will cause people to get hurt. So, I would suggest jumping off of your high horse if you aren't planning on opening up anytime soon."
He had a point. I didn't want to admit it to myself or anyone else, but he had a point. I shouldn't have been so upset with him keeping this secret if I was also keeping something dark from the team. But, thankfully, Cisco walked into the lab before I looked too shell-shocked. "You need to come to The Pipeline now." He told me.
Without a second thought, I walked out of the lab and followed Cisco to The Pipeline. I wasn't sure what he wanted me for, but I was praying that it didn't involve anything bad happening with Barry. When I rounded the corner going into The Pipeline, I saw Barry leaning against Joe and Stella for support. His eyes were no longer red but the beautiful seafoam green that they always were. He looked tired, but, otherwise, he seemed to be back to his old self again. He looked up at me when I walked in, a small smile appearing on his face. I smiled back at him, feeling my heart swell inside my chest. I didn't think that I would be able to see him smile like that again for quite some time, but I was glad that I was able to. He always looked thousands of times more handsome whenever he smiled, and it warmed my heart to see him free of the grip that Zoom and Harry had on him.
"Nice to see you're back to your old self, Fleet Feet." I said with a small chuckle.
"It's nice to be back." He replied.
Caitlin smiled at him. "Let's get you up to The Cortex to make sure that you're okay."
He nodded in agreement, and our rather large group migrated back upstairs. Harry hung in the back of the crowd, and it took all of the energy in my body to not look pointedly at him. I didn't want to make my situation with him any worse than it already was, but I knew that he was right. I needed to tell everyone everything that I had been through so that I wouldn't feel like I was betraying them. They had a right to know not only as my team but as my friends. I'd grown close to all of the people that I was with, and it was eating at me that I hadn't shared the darkest part of my soul with them. They all trusted me with so much, and the least that I could do was trust them in return. It wouldn't be easy to open up to them in a way that I hadn't ever done before, but now I knew that it was something that I had to do in order to keep myself together and to make my bond with these people stronger.
After she'd conducted a few tests on him, Caitlin informed all of us that Barry would be okay. There was a collective sigh of relief as he sat down in one of the chairs behind Cisco's computer desk, and I paced slightly in front of the small group of people. "Ashton, are you okay?" Caitlin asked.
"Not really." I answered before swallowed hard, facing the seven people in front of me. Only one of them knowing the full extent of the story that lie ahead of them, and the other six could only imagine what was to come. "I haven't been completely honest with all of you." I stated simply, fully capturing everyone's attention. "There are things about my past that I've kept hidden from you not because of lack of trust but because it's difficult for me to talk about any of it."
"Po." Stella said, walking around from behind the computer desk and over to me. "You don't have to do this right now."
"Yes, I do." I gave her a small smile before turning back to the group of friends in front of me. "Growing up, everyone thought that I had the perfect life just because my family was wealthy. They assumed that, since I had everything I could ever want at my fingertips, I wasn't able to understand what suffering was until I ventured into the world on my own. That wasn't true for me." Stella put her hand on my shoulder, and I swallowed hard again. "My mother started abusing prescription medication about a year after I was born, claiming that it was difficult for her to raise a child with her parents constantly breathing down her neck about how to raise me. My father was always somewhat of an alcoholic, and, after my sister was born, he turned violently abusive."
Caitlin covered her mouth in shock, and I could see the slight fear in Barry's eyes. "At first, it wasn't anything that I couldn't handle. He would just come home and start yelling at everyone about how worthless we all were, something that I told myself and my sister not to believe because I knew that it wasn't true. After a few months of withstanding the verbal abuse, it turned physical." I blinked away the tears threatening my eyes, not wanting to waste any more over that man. "I was seven at the time, and my sister was only three. Since my mother was high all the time, I was the one who had to protect Elena at any cost necessary. So, instead of sharing the pain like most other people would have, I elected to take all of it so that my sister would grow up not knowing just how cruel the world was. I didn't do it to be heroic in anyone's eyes. I did it because I knew how much she would accomplish with her life, and I knew that it would be easier for her to do that without the emotional damage that he would have caused her.
"The abuse started out pretty simply. He would come home, have a few drinks, and then just slap me around for a little while, nothing that would leave a bruise that would have to be explained later. When I turned ten, however, he started to become more violent. The slapping turned into punching, and more often than not, some kind of glass would be involved." I pulled back the collar of my shirt, showing off the deep scar on my right collarbone. "This happened when I was eleven. He'd come home from a rough day at work, and he took it out on me as usual. My mother took me to the hospital where she told the paramedics that I had fallen through a glass door and lodged a piece in my shoulder." I chuckled sadly, feeling a tear betray me as it ran down my cheek. "My own mother chose to defend the monster of a husband she had over the safety of her daughter for the sake of press coverage."
I shook my head slightly, sniffling. "It became the most violent when I was fifteen. Crime in Starling City, at the time, was on the rise, and he was working longer shifts to compensate for it. He escalated from using glass bottles and his hands to his belt and the horse whips from our stable."
"That's how you got the scars on your back." Cisco stated softly, putting two and two together.
I nodded. "It is. He would take me to our basement, strip me of my shirt, and whip me just because he had to work extra shifts." I wiped away some of the tears that were on my cheek now, hating opening old wounds like this. "I took each and every one of those lashes and the punches and the cuts without a word. I stayed silent because of how much I loved my sister, and if I had to do it all again so that she would be successful, I would. But what makes this all so difficult for me to talk about is the fact that I had to put a smile on my face every day and pretend like it wasn't even happening. I couldn't speak out against the animal that was my father because of who my family is. I couldn't be the one to 'tarnish our reputation' by telling the world that I was terrified to go home because of what was waiting for me every day." I practically sobbed. I took a deep breath to compose myself before I lost it completely.
"Oliver was the only person outside of my immediate family who knew the extent of the abuse. He was the only one that I could tell without having to worry about the ramifications. If I had told Laurel, she would have told her father, and one way or another, I would have ended up dead at the hands of mine. Despite hating having to see me go through all of that, he stood by my side and was one of the best friends I had until I met Stella. He would stay the night with me to make sure that my father wouldn't go too far since both of us knew that he wouldn't lay a hand on me if someone else was around. Once we figured that out, he came over more often to make sure that Elena and I were safe." I wiped away another tear. "He is one of the only people who understands why I started doing this. After spending years watching me suffer, he knows that I wanted to become a hero to give hope and strength to people who are suffering just like I did. Granted, he doesn't want to see me hurt any more than I've already been, but he understands more than any of you ever could.
"But we aren't as close as we used to be, and we're not as close as I am with all of you. I've only been in Central City for a short amount of time, but all of you have made me feel like this is the home that I've never had. You make me feel like I'm safe and welcome, and I felt horrible about not sharing this part of myself with all of you after you've given me so much."
"And now we understand why you've been so guarded." Caitlin stated, walking around to where I was standing. She took my hand in hers, tears streaming down her face. "No matter what you've been through, Ashton, you will always have a home here with us. You're part of this team, which means that you're part of this family as well."
I chuckled slightly to relieve some of the pain as Caitlin side-hugged me. Barry struggled to rise from his seat, his weakened state making him waver slightly. He walked around from behind the desk, more sadness and empathy in his eyes than I'd ever seen. But they also held a fair amount of hope and welcoming, something that I appreciated more than words could express. "We'll always be here to protect you, Ash." He stated with a soft smile. "We're not going to let anything like that happen again."
I mouthed a small thank you, and he leaned down to hug me. I wrapped my arms around him tightly, breathing in the familiar and calming scent of his cologne. It felt safe being this close to him. Something about him made my stomach turn to butterflies in the best way possible. He made me feel happy and welcome, something that I wished that I could tell him without ruining our friendship. He really was someone that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but I knew that that wasn't in the cards for either of us. Even though he now knew everything that I had suffered through, it wouldn't be able to work between us. I wouldn't be able to handle seeing him harmed anymore than I'd already witnessed, and, from what I'd heard, he'd been through ordeals far worse than just being injected with something that released a more primal side of him. It was almost useless for me to feel anything like this towards him, and I just had to continuously tell myself that what I felt wasn't real, that it was just a product of us working so closely together even though I knew that it wasn't true.
"I've been working with Zoom." Harry stated suddenly, catching everyone off guard. Barry and I pulled away from our embrace to look at his fearful expression. "I... I've been working with Zoom to steal Barry's speed."
The air in the room turned from sympathy to utter shock and upset. "What?" Cisco asked, not believing what he was saying. I didn't blame him; it was hard for me to grasp the idea of someone we trusted working with someone who was out to get us. "I just thought that he had your daughter, not that you were working with him."
Harry swallowed hard with a small nod. "He threatened Jesse's life if I didn't work with him to disconnect Barry from his team so that he was weak enough to have his speed stolen."
"You're the reason Barry lost his mind?" Joe questioned, anger lacing his voice as he approached Harry in a dangerous way.
"Yes." Harry admitted, backing up. "But you of all people should understand my reasonings, Joe."
Joe grabbed his collar and shoved him up against the wall, making even me flinch. I had no sympathy towards Harry right now, but I didn't want to see Joe kick the crap out of him. "You put my son's life on the line in exchange for your daughter?!" He screamed at him. "What gives you the right to decide who gets to live and who gets to die?!"
"Joe." Barry said, walking over to Joe and pulling him off of Harry. "Violence isn't going to solve this."
"Until you have children, you will never understand this, Barry." Joe said, not taking his eyes off of Harry. "But just because you love your child does not give you the right to have someone else's child taken away from their family."
"I'm sorry for what I've done." Harry apologized. "I know that what I did was wrong, and, after seeing Ashton's display of trust in you all, I couldn't keep this to myself any longer."
Barry nodded slightly. "Thank you for coming clean with us, but that doesn't excuse what you've done."
He nodded. "I know it doesn't. I completely understand if you no longer want to help."
"We're still going to help you get Jesse back."
"What?" Cisco and Joe asked at once.
Barry looked at both of them. "Jesse is innocent in all of this. We shouldn't stop caring about her rescue just because of her father's lapse in judgement."
I chuckled lightly as I shook my head. "Sometimes you're just too empathetic, Barry."
He smiled at me. "That's what makes me a great hero."
*
lol my emotions are all over the fucking place right now. i'm torn between missing my ex and hating him, and it's not fun.