Chapter Fifty – Where They Talk About Sarah
Julian's Pov
I found more amusement than I should when Caleb blacked out in the delivery room and I had to go in to help her thorough it while Bailey tried to get him conscious and calmed enough to you know, hold his son without dropping him and not to mention actually be conscious for the birth of his child.
It hurt a little to see her whimpering in pain and when Caleb got himself together he was in tears seeing her crying because it hurt so badly. She's been in labor since this afternoon and the poor girl just wanted it to end.
We were there with her until four in the morning when she was finally able to push and bring adorable little Fredrick into the world. I wasn't there when Cameron was born so this was my first time being there when it was a boy and I stood to the side with Bailey when they handed him to Kylie and Caleb looked pale as he stared at the infant but he also looked absolutely in love. In love with the woman in front of him and in love with the child she was holding.
I wiped my eyes as I watched them because I could imagine what he was feeling, his entire world was in front of him; tired, vulnerable yet precious and beautiful. Birth looked like a horrible experience but it was balanced by exactly what we saw in front of us.
Kylie didn't call her dad because he was out of country on a film and she didn't want him to feel obligated to leave that to come home, but she did call after and let him know he was a grandfather.
Bailey and I held him for a little bit before we left to sleep and let them sleep. We were so tired when we got home we crashed in exactly what we were wearing as soon as we got into bed, we were lucky to get our shoes off first.
It's been two weeks since I got out of the hospital and I asked Bailey if I could be the one to tell Mia that we were planning on moving. It defiantly hasn't been easy but dying briefly and attempting suicide really gave me a new outlook on life and made me see things differently.
For one, I didn't want to be afraid of getting close to Mia again; life was too short for that. So I gave Bailey the apartment to herself so she could relax and I took Mia out to an art museum and then I would take her to lunch later.
I enjoyed seeing the look on her face as she went from painting to painting. This was by far her favorite and it didn't matter that we've been here four times, she fell more in love with her surroundings every time I brought her here.
We didn't really talk, not yet. I just let her pull me from place to place and she talked so passionately about the paintings in front of her. She reminded me so much of myself sometimes that It was a little frightening and a lot strange.
She looked at this the way I looked at instruments or song lyrics.
I wish Sarah was here to see who she was becoming. She got her artistic abilities from her mother and she would never know just how alike they were. Sarah had her problems but she was a good person and she had a kind heart.
It was devastating that there was this beautiful girl in front of me, she was so full of life and love and she wanted nothing more than to be an artist. Mia was a fighter and she was smarter than she let on sometimes. The devastating part was that in all of that, she was just a child growing up without a mother. I didn't give a damn if my father was around and I know that if he would have died when Mia was a baby, life would have been better and Sarah would be here.
She would have been sober and a real mother to Mia.
We spent hours at the museum before she was ready to part with the building and I made sure to promise to bring her back soon.
"Where do you want to eat?" I wrapped an arm around her and she smiled as she leaned into me. She had been more affectionate these past couple weeks and I didn't mind.
"Can we get sushi? Bailey hates it." Yes she did and Mia and I happened to love it.
"Usual?" I asked her and she nodded. I opened her door for her and I looked to my left and I noticed people staring. I knew that wherever I went people would stare as soon as they recognized me but this felt different.
I didn't know if I was being paranoid but I just felt even more judged lately, like they were looking at me wondering if I would pull a knife or gun suddenly and off myself right then and there. It was suffocating and that was saying something since I had gotten used to my life being public years ago.
"Ignore it." she told me when we got in the car and I tried to take her advice. She talked about how school had been going since I started back up until we got to the restaurant. I wanted to talk to her about so many things but I couldn't find the voice to start the conversation.
We ordered right away and then we were left to sit in silence.
"What's wrong?" She asked suddenly. I either wasn't hiding it very well or she was better at reading people than I thought; I believe it was a little bit of both. It was in her eyes, she was full of mischief and she always seemed to know more than she let on about everything, she was a sneaky little brat sometimes.
"We're going to be moving soon. Bailey and I talked and we decided that moving into a new place would be the best thing right now. You'll have to redecorate. I know you like your room now but you can do anything you want to your new one." I would make sure she would have it any way she wanted.
"I don't care if we move and just to let you know, Bailey spared no expense when it came to making me comfortable with clothes or my room or what food and snacks I liked. I made a choice not to spend a crap ton of money to do my room." Of course she did. Sometimes I felt like I was trying to throw money at people and I didn't mean for it to come across that way at all.
I just wanted to make sure they were taken care of and had anything they needed.
Not that it would really be a problem for Bailey now, she didn't ever want or need much and she's going to make more money than she's anticipating writing these songs and recording them. I loved that she didn't care about that.
"Are you okay with me moving in, Mia?" I asked her and she rolled her eyes before turning her attention to our waiter as he brought our food. She grabbed at the chop sticks and grabbed her first piece of sushi from the plate in front of us and I grabbed mine.
"You don't have to consult me, I'm just happy to be here and I'm along for the ride. But I'm glad you finally moved in. You need more company and people and I read all about what you did to Bailey nine months ago, you're lucky she took your sorry ass back." she mumbled the last part as she shoved food in her mouth.
She was so god damn small and I'm not sure how she could pack in all the food that she did. She was a more petite girl and I knew she had a barely more than the healthy amount of fat on her and I'm not exactly sure how she doesn't weight three hundred pound because she's always eating and she gives a look of disgust when you mention the word 'gym'.
"Watch your language Mia." I immediately corrected and she rolled her eyes again, fucking teenagers.
"Nice response." She was getting too comfortable with me, her sarcasm isn't usually appreciated and god damn the girl is bold! She reminds me of Lacey a lot.
"I know I'm lucky Mia and that's in the past, there's no need to go rubbing salt in those wounds." She instantly looked at my arm and back to me.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you." she calmed down and I hated that, people were walking on eggshells as soon as they remembered that hey, two weeks ago he tried to fucking off himself. I was getting really sick of being reminded and being treated like I was one wrong word from a psych ward.
"You're fine. Bailey and I have just moved on, I didn't bring you out here to talk about mine and Bailey's relationship Mia, the details aren't your concern." She was still just a child and mine and Bailey's short comings, Lucca, what happened that night with Kimberly and our personal lives are none of her business.
"You're right, I'm sorry. So why did you want to spend the day with me then?" she asked leaning back in her chair and studying me, I swear to fucking god she gets that shit from Bailey. It was like I could never win sometimes in that house.
"I don't usually need a reason, I like spending time with you, I like getting to know you and seeing that you're still just the five year old girl who was terrified of fish and loved penguins." She was tough, she had to be and she had a massive attitude. She went through a lot and slowly she was resorting back to that sweet girl I always knew her as when she was a child.
"I'm still terrified of fish you know. I went on a school trip to the aquarium and had a break down and ended up crying and spending the whole time hiding away. I got made fun of for it and I still to this day don't know why I'm so afraid of them." She frowned and looked like she was trying to remember, but couldn't.
"When you were maybe two and a half we went camping and we took you on the boat when we went fishing. You wanted to pet the fish and leaned over and before I could grab you, you fell into the lake. You obviously couldn't swim and thought the fish were what was pulling you under the water. You've been terrified of them ever since. You also always enjoyed eating them." My heart felt like it stopped and it was almost like a slow motion moment watching her go over. I freaked and reached for her and missed when she went under. I had to jump in the lake to grab her.
"Explains a lot actually; my nightmares usually involved me drowning." she grabbed another piece of sushi, eyeing the fish in it before chomping down on it.
"That doesn't sound pleasant." Mine usually involved being murdered by my father or since I met Bailey, about him hurting her and me not being able to save her; just like I couldn't save Sarah. My mind played twisted jokes on me.
"My mom, what was she like?" She asked me and I thought for a minute about what I would tell her. I've thought about it a hundred times but I never knew what to say about Sarah. Sarah did have her flaws and she was a little messed but, but she was my sister and I loved her. I figured I would just know what to say when she asked; I didn't, not really.
"Sarah was my favorite person in the world. She was a loving and caring sister and always tried to protect me from dad when he was mad. She loved school and she loved Carter and I. My attempt aside, I know how shitty it feels knowing that someone you love chose to leave you like that, but Sarah loved you so much, she just had a lot of problems and now I know why. She did what was best for you and had me raise you. She wasn't perfect; she drank a lot and she did stupid things, but she was a great person." Sarah was my best friend and I didn't know how to describe her.
Was she a great mom? No, she wasn't but she tried as hard as she could.
"Did she even love me or did she hate that I existed?" Mia asked softly, I wished that she had asked me that sooner because I'm sure if Sarah was watching over us, her heart was breaking that her daughter had to ever question that.
"She went into your room every single night to watch you sleep. She stayed sober her whole pregnancy and for a year to breast feed you. Sarah would play with your short curly hair and stay up all night just to hold you when you did stay with her. She loved you more than anything in this world Mia. Her note, it wasn't an easy choice for her to make to leave you like that. She was fighting battles that no one ever imagined but you were her pride and joy when she was alive." I needed Mia to know that, I needed her to know that Sarah would have done anything for her without batting an eye.
"Do I look like her?" she asked me and I nodded
"Your eyes, they're the same as Sarah's and the same eyes that I woke up to staring at me most nights when you were just a little one. You came to me and curled up with me and watched-" but she cut me off.
"Barbie of Swan Lake," she finished "When I had nightmares." Her eyes squinted slightly like she was thinking.
"Yeah." I had never told her that before, Bailey was the only other one who knew about that too.
"When I was growing up I always had these dreams. I was told that they were just me making up stories to fill in my past and to create my own family, but I remember a stuffed penguin, I remember the movie. I would watch it in foster care when I had a bad day and I remembered feeling safe." She was so little when she went missing, I don't know how she could remember that.
"What else do you remember?" I asked
"I think I remember her, I would wake up sometimes after dreaming about someone singing to me." She looked like she was confused right now and I didn't blame her, there were little things that she did remember and until now, she didn't know they were real.
"She used to sing hallelujah to you when you were a newborn as she rocked you, it helped and so every time she was around when you were sick or hurt she sang it to you and would rub your head or back until you fell asleep." She twisted a purple strand of hair on her finger and let the curl bounce slightly back to the original shape.
"I always thought I was crazy." She wiped her eye quickly and it was the first time in a long time I saw her for just what she was, a lost and scared young girl. She was confused and afraid; she didn't know who she was anymore. Her life has been turned upside-down and I just wanted to give her something stable. I guess that was where Bailey came in; she was great at providing stable.
"It's not your fault you know. None of it was your fault. Not what he did to me or what he did to Sarah. Her death isn't your fault. It's not right to punish yourself for it." Maybe deep down I knew that and maybe one day I could believe that, but right now I couldn't.
"In ten years, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss her. Seeing you again was hard for me. I was happy you were alive but it just made me feel so guilty that for ten years you grew up without a family, that now that you were with us again, you would grow up without a mom and dad." While the dad part was on my mother, it was better that way.
"Don't blame yourself, please don't." she reached for my hand and I grabbed hers firmly. Her eyes were pleading with mine but I had a hard time not seeing Sarah's eyes and wondering if I missed that same pleading in hers all those years ago.
"A girl shouldn't have to grow up without a mom." I just wish I knew, that I could have seen it or that I could have put it together that he was doing that to her. I think all the time of ways that I could have saved her, torture myself with how life would be if she was still here with us.
"I have a mom, it just so happens she's a little younger and that we don't share the same DNA." She smiled as she said it, I loved seeing her happy.
"She's really doing great with you. She loves you." I don't know if Bailey saw her as a daughter or younger sister, maybe even a niece or never gave much thought. I don't know what Bailey felt for Mia exactly but I knew it involved a lot of love.
"She's the best. You really are lucky that she gave you of all people the time of day, let alone agreed to date you." Mia teased as she leaned and punched me lightly in the arm.
"I know, she won't believe it though. She seems to think she's the lucky one or something since I'm I guess famous or something. She's delusional." I chuckled and she laughed with me.
"Oh god I can't believe that you actually are famous, I mean who would want to follow you or anything. You're so fucking weird." She said and then instantly covered her mouth.
"Language or I tell Bailey that you've been using those words and you really don't want to know what she'll do." Bailey always seems to find the weirdest yet most annoying punishments when you're being stupid. Like making you clean and she corrects everything you do and otherwise gives you the silent treatment. I hate that.
"God, not the disapproving looks again." she groaned and I laughed, it felt good to laugh. Bailey had that way of giving you one look that said 'I am very disappointed in you' and it made you feel like you just ran over her puppy or just shattered her every hope and dream.
"That's the worst." I agreed and she had a smile on her face and I did too as I thought about all the times I got it and the stupid things I did to deserve it.
"Hey Julian." Mia said and I gave her my full attention.
"Yeah?" I asked when she bit her lip, like she wasn't sure if she wanted to speak this or not.
"Does it make you feel better to talk about her?" She asked me and I thought about it a minute.
"I don't like talking about her to many people, but it feels right to talk about her and share her with you in a way it never has before. Not even with Bailey." I could talk about my sister with Bailey but it always felt more forced. I liked slowly sharing parts of her with Mia. I wanted her to know who her mother was, where she came from.
Mia looked just like Sarah did at fifteen and it didn't hurt or make me hate her, it made me love her and appreciate her even more.
"I like hearing about her." she nodded as she spoke and her eyes watered slightly. I got up and grabbed her hand and pulled her to her feet before hugging her. I paid and kept an arm around her as I walked to my car. She was emotionally vulnerable right now and I wanted to hug her like the physical affection would magically make the emotional wound heal.
I know that it didn't work like that but as I hugged her and kept her close I felt like maybe it could work like that. I needed to talk about her and for the first time I felt like I wanted to.
Has anyone else been waiting for them to talk more about Sarah?