Chapter 19 - "Bella..."
People were still staring and whispering when I arrived at school on Wednesday, but I'd learnt to ignore them. When I got to my locker, I noticed Jess standing across the hallway, her arms wrapped around Alex's waist as she gazed longingly into his eyes. He looked at her with equal adoration and I don't think even an earthquake could have torn their attention away from each other.
I sighed to myself, opening my locker. Matt used to look at me like that, though perhaps not in the middle of the hallway for hundreds of people to see. That was far too much PDA for him.
"Izzy?"
I looked up from my locker to see Tommy White, whom I'd never spoken to before. Kat and I used to discuss him all the time but I'd never actually said anything to his face. It felt weird for him to be actually here in the flesh, standing in front of me, when I'd heard so much about him. Luckily, he looked just as awkward as I felt.
"Um, yeah?" I asked, lacking any degree of smoothness whatsoever.
He scratched his head, looking even more uncomfortable. "First I just wanna say I'm sorry about you and Matt and stuff."
"Oh. It's okay." Even though it wasn't. It was not okay. It wasn't even close to okay.
"I know loads of people are talking about it which must be making it even more difficult for you... I know there are lots of rumours and stuff..."
"Most of the rumours aren't true," I told him, just to break up his little speech because he was talking increasingly quickly and I wanted this awkward conversation to be over as soon as possible. I naturally associated Tommy with Katrina. And thinking about Katrina made me think about her and Matt. It wasn't a pleasant train of thought.
"Yeah...I sort of guessed...people exaggerate and stuff... Look I know you probably really don't wanna talk about it...but Katrina and Matt?"
He was correct; I really did not want to talk about it. However, the sooner I did talk about it, the sooner Tommy would leave and I could stop talking about it.
"What about it?" I asked.
"What, like, happened? Did they actually get together?"
"Yeah, at a party."
He sighed, looking almost in pain as he ran a hand through his hair. Disappointment lined his features as he stared out into the hallway, his eyes focusing on nothing in particular.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I know you and Kat had...something."
"I knew she slept around... I just never thought she'd be as bad as to get with her best friend's man. I guess I barely knew her at all."
I shrugged. "Well sometimes the people we know the best are the ones who can surprise us the most."
He looked at me properly for the first time in the whole conversation. "Yeah. You're right." He licked his lips as he considered his next sentence. "Was she actually interested in me at all? Or was I really just another fling to her?"
"It's not my place to say. Are you not with Kara now?"
"I was only flirting with Kara to provoke a reaction in Kat," he muttered. "Ironic really... Maybe's she's not as great as I first thought."
"Well, I think she's making a lot of people reconsider what they thought of her."
Tommy smiled awkwardly. "I'm sorry for making you talk about this. It must be really horrible."
I shrugged, mirroring his awkwardness. "I need to accept it happened. Otherwise I'll never move on."
He squeezed my shoulder, making it the perfectly awkward end to an awkward conversation, before smiling quickly and disappearing into the crowd.
"That looked fun."
Nathan appeared at my side and leaned casually against the lockers, regarding me with amusement.
"It was the longest conversation I've ever had in my life," I said with a shudder.
"Lots to talk about? Having a catch-up?"
I ignored his teasing and shut my locker door, twisting the key to lock it.
"It was awkward. I only know him from what Kat's told me, and he only knows me from what Kat's told him."
"So what did he want?" Nathan asked, walking alongside me as we headed down the corridor to our first lesson.
"He was asking what went down between Kat and Matt."
"Tad insensitive, maybe."
I shrugged, able to understand Tommy's curiosity to a certain extent.
"He liked Kat," I said.
"Well, I bet he doesn't anymore. You still up for skating tonight?"
"You say that like I have a choice, Nathan."
"We'll go straight after school, yeah? And then get dinner somewhere after."
"All right."
We paused as we came to a split in the corridor. Nathan needed to go left and I needed to go right.
"Have a good day," he said, and then he squeezed my shoulder before heading off.
I didn't know whether the shoulder squeeze was another joke at Tommy's expense but, unlike Tommy, it hadn't felt awkward. Nothing felt awkward with Nathan.
-
"I'm actually really looking forward to this," Jess said cheerfully as we laced up our skates.
"It's great fun," Nathan told her. "It's like walking with superpowers."
I rolled my eyes. Only Nathan would have an opinion like that; I happened to think that ice-skating was the complete opposite of having superpowers since it made a seemingly easy task more difficult rather than empowering it.
"Well, it's all right for you two," I said. "You can actually skate."
"Don't worry; I'll hold your hand." Nathan winked.
It was just as difficult as I'd imagined. As soon as I stepped onto the ice, my skate slid from beneath me and I had to grab onto the side of the rink to pull myself upright while my feet flailed manically against the slippery surface.
Nathan, the show-off, stepped onto the ice and skated effortlessly into the middle of the rink. He then stood there, with a satisfied smirk on his face and his arms folded, looking at me expectantly. I glared and turned to Jess.
"Teach me how to skate," I muttered through gritted teeth, refusing to be embarrassed in front of Nathan.
"Just go around holding the outside to begin with," she suggested. "Get used to the ice. Once you're used to it, you can try without holding on."
I did as she said. After a few minutes, I was able to co-ordinate my skates to move properly—while still clutching onto the side, of course—rather than just using the rail to pull myself along. Nathan skated alongside me, making teasing comments, but I couldn't hit out at him since I didn't dare let go of the side. It was my lifeline.
"Okay, enough of this," he said after our fifth circuit of the rink. "Give me your hand."
"No, go away."
So he grabbed my spare hand that I'd been holding out to the side to balance myself. I stumbled slightly but found myself gripping onto his gloved hand to regain steadiness.
"Right. Bend your knees slightly," he said. "Point your toes out a bit. Push off with your left foot, glide, then push off with your right. I'll count for you."
At least now he was being serious. It took intense concentration but, after a while, I was confident enough to let go of the rail. Even though I was probably cutting off the circulation in Nathan's right hand, I didn't let go. I was yet to fall over—admittedly that was because I'd been holding myself upright on the railings—and I wished for it to remain that way.
"You're a natural," Nathan commented.
"I hope that's not sarcasm," I said through gritted teeth. I couldn't skate and talk at the same time; my entire concentration was focused on remaining vertical.
"Of course not, Bella."
"Hey, you're pretty good!" Jess said, skating over with a proud grin on her face.
"I'm a good teacher," Nathan boasted. "Either that or she's just skating well to try to impress me. It's working by the way, Bella."
"I'll get us some drinks," Jess said. "And we can have a break."
Five minutes later, Nathan made the outrageous suggestion that I should try skating by myself.
"No." I downright refused, clutching harder onto his hand.
"Just try," he urged.
"This is hard enough as it is."
"Just try."
"Stop it, Nathan."
That was when he let go of my hand and folded his arms, skating a few metres ahead so I'd have to catch him up. Momentum kept me gliding for a few feet before I panicked, reached to grab him and ended up slipping.
Credit to him, he didn't let me fall. With quick reflexes, he stretched out to catch me but we both ended up stumbling. Nathan crashed into the railings and I followed, colliding into his body with quite some force.
Neither of us moved. I was suddenly very aware of how close we were, how every part of my body was pressed up against his, how heavily we were both breathing and how intensely he was looking at me. Was I looking at him that intensely too? It's the adrenaline, I told myself. Neither of us moved, though, and as more time passed, it became more apparent that neither of us wanted to move.
Nathan and Jess had brought me ice-skating because they knew it would take intense concentration, and if I was concentrating on the skating then I couldn't think about Matt. But, as my eyes locked themselves on Nathan, Matt didn't even enter my head. My mind was consumed with Nathan: the way he was looking at me, the way his body felt pressed up against mine, how broad his shoulders were and how chiselled his face was. Earlier on, I'd joked about how an earthquake couldn't have distracted Alex and Jess; I was now experiencing the exact same thing. Nathan was looking at me in a way that no guy had ever looked at me, not even Matt. There was affection there, but also longing.
My whole body was burning and tingling. I had goose-bumps everywhere. So when Nathan's hands softly glided up my body to rest on my waist, it felt ten times more exhilarating. I could feel the warmth of his hands through the fabric of my t-shirt and desired to feel them on my actual flesh, without the barrier of clothing.
"Bella..." he murmured huskily, resting his forehead against mine. We were so close that our breaths were mingling. I only had to tilt my head up slightly and we'd kiss. It would be amazing. Amazing and right.
"Not on the ice please, guys. Save it for later."
Our magical moment was interrupted. I don't think I'd have even heard the steward, due to being so consumed by Nathan, had he not placed a hand on my shoulder to get my attention, bringing me crashing back down to the ice rink.
"Sorry," Nathan mumbled.
I wasn't sure whether he was apologising to me or to the steward. He let go of my waist and I suddenly felt cold again.
Then he took my hand. "Reckon you can make it to the exit so we can join Jess for those drinks?"
I nodded, unable to speak. What the hell had just happened? How could Nathan act so normal after we'd clearly shared some kind of moment?
"You look flushed," Jess commented once we'd joined her. "The exhilaration of ice-skating?"
"Something like that," I murmured, lifting the steaming hot coffee to my lips.
I couldn't contribute to the conversation. No matter how hard I tried, my mind kept drifting back to Nathan. How had that even happened? How could I even contemplate being that close to him so soon after Matt? It wasn't a matter of guilt—I owed Matt nothing—but surely it should have felt weird getting that close and personal with another guy when I was used to just him?
"Hello? Izzy?" Jess laughed at my clear absence. "Are you feeling okay? You've been quiet all evening."
"Yeah. I can't talk and skate at the same time."
"I thought women were meant to be good at multi-tasking?" Nathan teased.
"You know what," I said, "I'm actually really tired. The skating has taken all the energy right out of me. Can we reschedule dinner for another night?"
"It's fine," Jess said. "We'll grab something on the way back, providing you don't fall asleep."
I felt Nathan's gaze on me but I couldn't look him in the eye. He'd done an amazing job with acting normal around me despite having feelings. I didn't know whether I'd be just as good at acting normal after the little incident on the ice.
I'd put any feelings for Nathan down to appreciation. He'd been so good and kind to me, so how could I not feel something? It was touching. I'd told myself I was just confused after Matt, or that I was only trying to return his feelings out of guilt because he felt that way about me. But I'd wanted to kiss him on the ice, and no amount of denial would change that.
"Excuse me," I mumbled.
And then I got up from the table and made a beeline for the toilets. I was trembling. I didn't need this. Things were fine between Nathan and me. Why did I have to go and complicate everything? We could only be friends right now; I needed a friend, not another boyfriend, or a lover, or anything else remotely romantic.
The bathroom door opened and Jess came in.
"Hey," she said, shutting the door after herself. "Nathan told me what happened."
"He told you?" I asked. "He seemed to be doing a pretty good job of acting like it didn't happen."
"Well, he's definitely acknowledging that it happened. It's admirable that he's keeping himself together," Jess said softly.
"Well, he'd be good at it," I muttered. "He's as cool as a cucumber."
"What's the problem, Izzy?" she asked with a concerned frown. "Because the guy feels awful."
"Why does he feel awful?"
"He feels like he's compromised you. He feels like he's pushing you into feeling something when it should be your own decision."
I sighed and leant back against a counter, closing my eyes. "I don't know what to do, Jess. I was convinced Nathan was just a friend. But just then... I was so attracted to him. How can I feel that way so soon after Matt?"
"Izzy...your head is bound to be all over the place. You're going to feel close to Nathan due to how amazing he's being with you. He worships you. You know that. Maybe a small part of you wants to give something back? Or maybe a small part of you wants to be with someone who treats you like that? You know, after Matt treated you so badly...it'd only be natural."
"I didn't want to feel anything too soon. I wanted time to get over Matt and to process and accept everything that's happened..."
"Is there ever going to be a good time? Timings with these things are rarely ideal."
"I'm sure there's a better time than two days afterwards."
Jess shrugged. "What does it matter? Whose feelings are you sparing?"
"Nathan's. I don't want him feeling like a rebound guy."
I couldn't think of anything worse than hurting Nathan, when he was trying so hard to minimise my own pain.
"He'll know he's not a rebound guy. He'll know where your head is at. And if he thinks he's a rebound guy and still wants to go out with you..."
"That's the point, Jess. I don't want to mess him about. I don't want to use him. I don't want to take advantage of his good nature."
"He's tough, Izzy. You know what he used to be like."
"Even the toughest people can still hurt."
She sighed and pulled me into a hug. I buried my head in her shoulder. "I know it's difficult for you, Izzy. But these things have a way of working out. Think about it this way," she suggested, pushing me slightly away from her so she could look at me. "You would never have broken up with Matt, right?"
I shrugged. That question didn't require an answer.
"You needed a damn good reason to get out of that relationship," Jess continued. "Him cheating on you was that reason. Yeah, it hurts, but breaking-up in general was always gonna hurt. At least now you realise he wasn't worth it. What if the reason Matt cheated on you was like the universe's way of allowing you to get with Nathan? Forcing you out of a relationship, which you thought was good, so you could get into a relationship that you deserve."
"Jess...how can you even believe in that kind of stuff?"
"I believe things happen for a reason. But you are the only person who can know what is right and what you want."
I sighed. "I can't pursue anything with Nathan until I've got my head straight. But thank you, Jess. I appreciate the advice."
She smiled. "Ready to go back out? I'm sure he's torturing himself out there."
I pasted on a smile in return, forcing myself to brighten up. "Yeah."
Nathan was staring into his cup of coffee, rhythmically stirring it, as we approached the table. When my shadow fell over him, he looked up and met my eyes.
"Everything okay?" he asked, his eyes gazing intently into my own again, keeping me transfixed. So much was exchanged between us in that one look.
"Yeah," I said lightly with a small smile. "Everything's good."
"Shall we return our boots and go?" Jess suggested.
"Yeah...your coffees are cold now," Nathan said. "I'll buy you both another one on the way back."
We all chatted normally in the car, as if nothing had happened. But there was tension hanging between Nathan and me. As promised, he bought us both fresh coffees but then took a strange route back to town.
"Why are we going this way?" I frowned. "It's much quicker to go the way we came."
"Yeah, but we might hit rush hour," Nathan said. "So it's probably quicker this way."
I shrugged. As we approached our town, though, it dawned on me. If we'd gone the original way then my house would be first. This way meant that Jess got dropped off first. I could only guess that Nathan wanted time alone with me to talk.
"I really enjoyed it," Jess said as she got out of the car. "We should do it again some time. See you tomorrow?"
"See you tomorrow." I smiled at her.
Nathan and I drove in silence to my house. It wasn't an awkward silence but tension hung in the air. He stopped outside my front door and turned off the engine, staring out of the windshield and down the road.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked quietly, yet calmly. I appreciated he was being mature about it, though; that meant a lot.
"I thought you didn't want to. You were pretty quick to pretend it didn't happen."
"It was selfish of me, Bella," he said softly, with a regretful tone to his voice. "I should have pushed you away immediately rather than just—"
"Pushed me away?" I frowned, twisting to face him.
He glanced at me but then turned his gaze back to the road. "Yeah. It messed with your head. I get that. I feel like I almost took advantage of you."
"I think it's the other way round. I know how you feel but instead of removing myself from the situation, I just inflamed it."
Nathan sighed but said nothing. He continued to stare into nothingness, still unable to look at me properly.
"Nathan, we shouldn't be talking about whose fault it is. That wasn't the issue. Pretending like it was less than it was is the issue."
"We don't have to make a big deal out of it if you don't want to," he said. "The last thing I want to do is confuse you."
"Confuse me?"
"Yeah. You're still hooked on Matt."
"I barely thought about Matt this evening. The only thing that confused me was how much I wanted you in that moment. How can I feel like that only two days after splitting up with a boyfriend?"
"Because he's a dick and I'm not?" Nathan joked.
His sudden change in attitude, going from serious to flippant, sent my head spinning. Maybe he didn't want to discuss it.
"If you don't want to talk about it, that's fine." I unfastened my seat belt and reached for the door. "See you tomorrow?"
"Bella, wait." He caught my hand, finally twisting to look at me. Worry lines creased his forehead. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to joke but... I don't know how I feel, either. I couldn't push you away earlier because you were just looking at me like..."
"I know how I was looking at you..."
"I didn't know whether it was the adrenaline or something else but... I didn't know if I was ever going to experience you looking at me like that again. I couldn't have pushed you away even if I wanted to. Maybe I'm not such a great person. I practically took advantage—"
"Why do you keep saying that? You didn't take advantage. I wanted it too, okay?"
Nathan fell silent, staring down at the gearstick, his fingers still wrapped around mine.
"You were caught up in the moment," he said finally.
"Oh for God's sake," I muttered, yanking my hand away. I got out of the car before he could stop me again, slamming the door after myself. It had hit a nerve.
"Bella!" He rushed after me, catching up just before I reached the porch and pulling me back around. "I'm sorry. But I'm not inside your head. I don't know how you truly feel and I don't want to kid myself into thinking this is more than it is. I don't want you jumping into something you might later regret."
I closed my eyes and drew in a deep breath. He was right. Of course he was.
"So, what now?" I flicked my gaze up at him.
He sighed. "Let's just carry on as we were, okay? I'm not saying pretend it didn't happen, because neither of us can do that. But I just want you to be sure of what you want."
I nodded. It seemed like the best solution given the circumstances that we now found ourselves in.
"Okay. Fine."
His palm floated across the back of my head, and a calming wave rolled over me.
"See you tomorrow?"
"Yeah. Thanks for this evening. And for teaching me how to skate."
A deep chuckle rumbled from his chest. "Like I said, you're never too old to learn a new skill."
As I watched him walk away, I experienced the familiar feeling of loss that I felt every time Nathan left me. Most of the time it was because he'd been comforting me, or making me laugh, or teasing me. And every time he left, those things stopped and my life seemed almost boring again.
It was a different feeling of loss this time, though. I had to admit to myself that, this evening, something significant had shifted between Nathan and me. No matter which way I looked at it, whatever caused the feeling of loss, it proved just what a huge part Nathan was beginning to play in my life.
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Thank you for reading :)xx