George returns quickly, his hands full of drinks he had snagged from the small outside bar Nick has set up, tossing Matty his before collapsing into his seat, causing the furniture to creak alarmingly in the process, but nothing breaks, thank god for that.
Matty is still trying to pull himself back together, the shocking, but also not unexpected mention of Gem hurting him more than he thought it would, and yes - Matty knows he's acting like a teenager who just lost his first love, but in a way, that's what he feels like.
Gemma wasn't like his other girlfriends, he had actually thought they had a chance to make it, or something like that. She was the first person he could see himself being with for an extended period of time, but that's all over now, and although Gem swore she still cares for Matty, she's been perfectly clear on the fact that she doesn't want to get back together with him anytime soon.
"I shouldn't have made you come out," George speaks up suddenly, dispersing Matty's thoughts with his apologetic tone. "You're really torn up about this whole thing aren't you?" George adds on when Matty remains silent, taking a large swig from his beer afterward.
Matty stares at George's adam's apple as he swallows instead of his face, not wanting to meet his best friend's eye just yet. George will only read him like a book if he does.
"You would know," Matty scoffs, trying to make light of the fact that he was two seconds away from breaking down in public a few minutes ago, "you've been dealing with me for the past week."
Matty grasps the new bottle George procured for him, opening it quickly without even bothering to look at the label, trusting that George will have picked out something at least halfway decent.
"Still..." George sighs heavily, his foot nudging against Matty's thigh as he readjusts his position, "you typically bounce back by now, but not this time. She's different...you really loved her huh?" Matty cocks his head to the side, confused by the odd tone of George's voice, but in his current state, he isn't able to decipher it.
"I -" Matty halts himself before he can finish his sentence. Now that he is faced with the question in plain words instead of inside of his head, he isn't sure what he feels for Gemma.
She is a wonderful girl - that's a given, and Matty certainly has very strong feelings for her. She is attractive, smart, kind, but does Matty love her? Sometimes he thinks he does, but he always imagined that falling for someone would be different, that he will experience those butterflies everyone talks about, and sparks, and that intense desire to never leave that person's side.
Matty hadn't encountered any of those sensations with Gemma, not that it was a bad thing, but now that his head is swimming with liquor and Matty is properly looking back on their time together, he realizes that Gemma was more of a gorgeous friend that he fucked than someone he could envision marrying, contrary to his earlier sentiment, but whatever - Matty is allowed to change his mind.
Love is important to Matty - essential even, but at the same time, it always seems to be this ethereal, uncapturable feeling.
Matty can write songs about it, but if he is being completely honest with himself, he isn't sure if he has ever truly been head over heels for anyone, no matter how hard he tries to convince himself that he felt that way about Gem.
And if Gemma truly is the one for him, Matty thinks things would have been different between them; he wouldn't have been so tempted to cheat if he was one hundred percent happy with Gem in every aspect, he wouldn't have let her walk out of his flat without more of a fight, he would have maybe considering postponing the tour even, but he hadn't done any of it, and that in itself speaks volumes.
George waits patiently while Matty gathers his thoughts, his eyes occasionally drifting down to the joint that Matty still has weakly clutched in between his fingers, inspiring Matty to hand it off to his best friend since he keeps forgetting what the damn thing is for.
"I do love her in a way," Matty finally admits, picking at a stray thread on his distressed trousers so he won't have to meet George's gaze, "and she says we'll still be friends and all, so I don't know why I'm so damn upset." Matty's eyes begin to sting, but he pushes on, finding a new sense of clarification as he allows his twisted emotions to emerge past his wine tainted lips. "I think it's more the relationship that I'm in mourning over. It wasn't perfect, and I fucked up more than I should have, but I like being with someone, having a person to come home to at night - when I'm even there that is. Now I'm alone again, and I'm recalling how much I hate it."
The sudden expulsion of honesty lifts a weight from Matty's shoulders, and although he still aches inside, he hadn't realized how badly he needs to actually talk about this until just now.
"Mhmm," George mumbles around the spiff, pulling it out of his mouth so he can actually form coherent words. "That makes sense, but you know you are surrounded by people that love you - Adam, Ross, me, and with our lifestyle, having a girlfriend is sometimes more trouble than anything else."
"That's why you've been single for so long then?" Matty shoots back with a hint of spite. He can accept George's advice as the truth, but he doesn't want to be preached at over a topic that he understands perfectly well.
"Sort of." George shifts slightly, looking marginally uncomfortable all of a sudden, probably because the chair he has folded himself into isn't made for someone of his height if Matty had to guess. "It's more that I haven't found anyone who is worth the effort lately."
"Don't you ever get lonely?" Matty dares to ask. Although he and George talk about almost everything with each other, they tend not to delve into too many details of their relationships or lack thereof, as if it is some sort of unspoken rule that was set into place without either of them actually acknowledging it.
"Well...sometimes yeah, but not often," George hedges, his hands flailing slightly as he speaks, spreading the smoke emitting from the joint in rippling patterns that fall apart as soon as they are formed. "I'm not particularly concerned with it. The band is more than enough to keep me occupied."
"It is for me too, don't get me wrong," Matty suddenly cuts in, wondering if the nervous energy he can feel pouring off of George stems from the fact that he thinks Matty is considering stepping away from music for a little while. "It's just that...well it seems like everyone we know is settling down, having kids, and I want that someday too, but if I wait until the band has run its course or whatever, it might be too late you know?"
"Oh fuck off mate, it's not like you are going to tour until you're eighty," George snorts, leaning over to steal a sip of Matty's wine before scooting back into his own seat rather ungracefully, much to Matty's amusement.
"I might," Matty protests just for the sake of it, snatching his bottle back roughly although George doesn't fight him at all, his long fingers spreading out so Matty can retrieve his drink easily. "That sounds perfect actually."
"It's gonna be hard to find someone who will be okay with you never being around if you do that."
"Not impossible though." It comes out as almost a question, even though that isn't how Matty meant to voice it.
"Course not, there is somebody out there waiting for you, you've just got to find them," George assures Matty, his face breaking into a wide grin as Matty smiles up at him thankfully. At this moment, he feels better than he has in days, but there is something still niggling at the corner of his brain, and in his pissed state, Matty blurts it out before considering what he is about to admit to.
"Do you think I'm maybe looking for love with the wrong people?" Matty pauses, waiting for George to catch onto his meaning without forcing him to say the words, but for once, George doesn't seem to be on the same wavelength as Matty if the perplexed look on his face is anything to go by. "Like...the wrong gender," Matty finally clarifies, his cheeks tinting red as George's jaw drops open a couple of inches.
"Oh - so you fancy a bloke then do you?" George chuckles, the sound evolving into full blown laughter when Matty flips him the middle finger with a scowl firmly set in place.
"I never said that." Matty is quick to defend himself, because he doesn't, he's just curious - that's all. "No one has caught my eye, but I don't know...forget I ever mentioned it," Matty huffs, twisting in his seat so he can turn his back on George whose shoulders are still shaking with stifled giggles.
"Aw Matty...don't get fussy," George pleads. He manages to calm himself down enough that Matty can't hear the teasing lilt to his tone unless he really tries. He refuses to flip back around though, but that doesn't stop George, who simply climbs over the arm of Matty's chair, squeezing his body into the small space so Matty has no choice but to acknowledge his presence. "I'm not judging you love, and you know you can tell me anything."
"There's nothing to tell." Matty breaks his minute of silence without resisting very hard, because in a way, he wants to get this out while the topic is still hanging in the air, and he trusts that George won't go blabbing to anyone else about this at the very least. "It's just -" Matty hesitates, his head turning in Harry and Nick's direction who now have their arms wrapped around one another, swaying along to the slow song playing through the outdoor speakers. A knowing look passes over George's face when he follows Matty's gaze, but he waits for Matty to say his piece quietly. "They get along so well, and Harry's gone more than I am half the time, but Grimmy's always here waiting for him to come home."
"Matty...I think that's because they're in love, not because they both have dicks."
"Well that's what I'm saying, I mean - I like girls, but what if my soulmate or whatever is a boy, and that's why I've had such shit luck so far in that department."
"Well it won't matter if you aren't attracted to them." George's words emit slowly, either because he's carefully planning out what he's trying to say, or because the weed is already beginning to affect him, maybe both. "Have you ever been with a bloke before?"
"No," Matty replies instantly, another blush staining his neck as he tries to put some space in between his and George's bodies, feeling oddly smothered by their closeness for no particular reason, "but I don't think I'd mind, depends on the person I guess." Matty suddenly feels too hot underneath his multiple layers of clothing when his admission hits the open air, his mind racing frantically as George remains silent. "Have you?" Matty turns George's question around.
He's not really sure why he asked since he is almost certain he already knows the answer. It's mostly a defense mechanism more than the desire to actually receive a response, his way of trying to divert the attention back to George to avoid the scrutiny he is now receiving from his best friend.
"Well yeah," George shrugs like it is no big deal, his eyes rolling skyward when Matty sits up violently, his mouth gaping open as he tries to discern if George is fucking with him or not, but no - George appears to be deadly serious.
"What - when...how did I not know about this?" Matty sputters, almost knocking himself and his wine bottle out of his seat as he repositions himself so he can better observe George's expression.
"Well you never asked," George giggles softly, taking another hit from the spiff before continuing, "and it hasn't happened in ages, more than a year ago for the last time I think, but yeah - I like guys too, even though I seem to date girls more often than not."
Matty literally reels backward, struggling with the sensation of the ground being tugged out from under him. It's not like he has any problem with George's interest in males - no, the issue is the fact that he was clueless about the entire thing.
Matty is aware that he isn't privy to every in and out of George's entire life, but he had assumed that George would be willing to share something like this with his best mate, yet apparently that isn't the case.
Matty's heart twists painfully in his chest, and for the first time this week, it isn't caused by Gem, but because he realizes that George may not trust him as much as Matty thought he did.
"I feel like the world's shittiest best friend," Matty mumbles while shaking his head, trying to comprehend this new information with terrible results. "Why didn't you tell me...you know I wouldn't have gotten upset over it - right?"
"Don't say that Matty," George protests, nudging him lightly in the side to show that there are no hard feelings between them. "It's just not something I go around yelling from the rooftops, and honestly, I thought you had already figured it out."
"No I didn't..." Matty exhales heavily, a startling vivid image of George pressing against another man rising to the forefront of his mind before he manages to shove it away. "Who does know about this?"
"Well Adam for sure, he walked in on me once when he came to my house looking for my sister back when we were all in school together, but I asked him to keep quiet at the time, you know how kids can get if that sort of stuff gets out...uh - my mam does too, and obviously the people I've hooked up with. That's pretty much it, like I said, I keep quiet about it."
"Why?" Matty prods gently, torn between feeling hurt that George hadn't informed him of this before and relief that at least it is finally coming out now. "Are you ashamed, or..." Matty trails off, unsure where he is going with his question by this point.
"I wouldn't say that," George hedges, but his gaze is dancing around skittishly as he makes sure that no one is within earshot before continuing. "If I wasn't in the band, I'd most likely be a lot more open about it, I guess I still could - I don't know. It's more of a habit than anything else now, and I wasn't purposely keeping it from you...not intentionally. I guess I was just worried it would freak you out if you knew." George does seem borderline panicked, the whites around his eyes are showing as he continues to scan the crowd even though everyone is giving them a wide berth. "So uh - does it?" George adds on in a cracked whisper, his muscles visibly tensing as he allows himself to return his full attention to Matty.
"You idiot," Matty scoffs, "of course it doesn't. You will always be my best mate. If anything, I'm only upset that you didn't let me in on your little secret before now, but better late than never I guess."
To solidify his words, Matty allows his hand to rest on top of George's which is now free since he set his beer bottle down on the ground after polishing it off, linking their fingers loosely before turning his face upward so George can view his comfortable grin.
"Thank fuck," George heaves out, a grateful smile removing the lines of worry that had been creasing the corners of his mouth. "Well now that we have that out of the way, let's get back to you. So you think you might like blokes, or just the idea of them?"
"Your guess is as good as mine," Matty answers, grabbing the spiff from George so he has something to do with his free hand, his own drink having been abandoned since Matty has obviously put enough alcohol in his system judging by their current discussion. "I sort of want to try it I guess, but at the same time, I'm nervous about the idea of randomly hooking up with someone to see if I like dick. What if I hate it, what if he tells someone, what if - fuck," Matty curses weakly, shaking his curls away from his forehead in agitation, "I think I'll just stick with girls and hope for the best."
"You've just got to find someone you trust that is willing to experiment with you," George interjects like it is the most obvious thing in the world, but unlike George, Matty doesn't have a plethora of boys willing to fool around with him hidden away somewhere, even though he is sure a few of his fans wouldn't turn him down, but Matty isn't ready to risk taking that road just yet.
"Oh yeah - like who?" Matty scoffs, stamping down stubbornly on the voice in his head that is chanting at him to look up to receive the answer, staring down at his and George's conjoined hands instead, which isn't helping matters any.
"Well...me for one." George rips the words out of Matty's mind just like he always does, but this time it feels shocking, invasive almost, and Matty has to fight the urge to pull away from George in an effort to regain his equilibrium which seems to be teetering dangerously at the moment. "I wouldn't tell a soul, which is sort of important since the media would have a fit if the fact that you liked boys ever got out, not to mention half of our fans are somehow convinced we are already sleeping together anyway, so even if something did get leaked, we could just brush it off like it's nothing."
"You would want to?" Matty stutters out, his cheeks flaming a bright crimson as he tries to keep himself together. Some of George's paranoia begins rubbing off on him, inciting him to gaze over the crowd in a parody of George's earlier actions, but the party has mostly moved inside by now thanks to the nip in the air, leaving Matty and George unnoticed for the time being.
"Yeah - I mean, if you do that is. It would help get your mind off of Gemma at the very least, and that way you will know what you like, or if you can even get it up with a bloke before attempting to start a relationship with one."
Matty worries his lower lip between his teeth as he waits for George to burst out laughing, to tell Matty that he is just messing with him and he should see his face right now, but when none of those things happen, Matty has to come to the conclusion that George isn't playing around with this, and Matty would be lying if he said he isn't intrigued by the idea.
"This wouldn't change anything right?" Matty asks, because he has to know before he agrees. No matter how appealing this arrangement might seem in the moment, Matty is drunk, and he could very easily regret this decision in the morning. "We'd still be mates, even if I change my mind and back out?"
"Of course," George replies instantly, his grip on Matty's hand tightening a fraction before it returns to its lax position. "This would be all about you, and we don't even have to do this, it was just a suggestion."
Matty's head is reeling at George's proposition, his throat is too tight, and he's forgotten how to inhale properly. Matty knows this is dangerous, and taking this step with someone so close to him could easily end dismally, but at the same time, George's offer is almost too tempting to pass up.
It's an answer to all of his newfound concerns and questions without risking himself or his image, because George is right - if he is really serious about this, which he thinks he is, he has to do it with someone he trusts, and George fits that definition perfectly.
Matty still has no idea where this sudden bout of curiosity has come from, although if he's being completely truthful with himself, he has entertained these thoughts before, but he's typically shoved them down before they could take root.
Now they have been given a voice, the urge to at least discover if he might be something other than straight is festering inside of Matty, and before he can ponder the pitfalls of this any further, his answer is falling past his lips as if it was sitting on his tongue, just waiting to be released.
"I think I'd like that," Matty admits sheepishly, a dull flare of heat rushing under his skin as George grins lazily, his eyes sparkling with something that Matty can only label as excitement as he reclines back in their shared chair, "but we have to keep this quiet, no telling Adam, or Ross, or anyone," Matty elaborates. He may feel comfortable expressing these things to George, but just the thought of anyone else finding out that Matty is so confused that he's using his best friend to discover his sexuality has him cringing internally.
"Don't worry mate, I know how to be discrete," George huffs, snagging the joint back from Matty before finishing it off entirely, rubbing the fading embers out against the concrete once he's done with it.
"So uh..." Matty stumbles over his words, an awkwardness that he rarely experiences around George imbuing the air with an uncomfortable weight, but Matty forces himself to ignore it. This agreement isn't going to change anything, Matty won't let it. "How did we start this thing...and how far are we going to go?"
"Well kissing is always the obvious first step," George replies, his gaze darting downward to Matty's lips before quickly dancing away, "and I guess we can work our way up from there if you still want to."
"Kissing - yeah, I can do that," Matty swallows thickly. He's tempted to blurt out that he has always been slightly intrigued at what kissing George would be like, but he manages to keep his mouth shut this time, which his already wounded pride is thankful for.
Matty has seen George do it with girls many times before, and he can instantly picture how he holds them gently but also with an aura of strength. His larger mouth would cover theirs, sometimes soft sounds escape from his throat when their tongues began to stroke against each other's, and much to his chagrin, Matty finds his cheeks flushing again when he inserts himself in their place.
"When?" Matty asks, wanting some sort of timeline in the hopes that maybe that will help the fact sink in that he is actually going to do this, with his best friend no less.
"Now?" George offers casually, shocking Matty with his forward nature, even though Matty shouldn't have expected anything different from George. He is never one for skirting around something once it has been established.
"But people will see us," Matty hisses, wondering if the copious amount of weed and alcohol in George's system are causing him to forget Matty's previous requirements to this agreement already.
"Not right here," George scoffs, his eyes wandering over the patio to the shadow enshrouded lawn that no one is making any use of. "Over there somewhere, or if you want a closed door, I'm sure one of the rooms in Grimmy's house will be empty."
"Someone's eager," Matty ribs George fondly, although his own heart rate is picking up at the thought of having George's lips against his so soon.
"Nah..." George waves Matty off, the one word dragging out slowly as George unlinks their hands so he can run it through his hair instead, "just thought it would be better to get it out of the way now, like ripping off a plaster."
"You're probably right," Matty concedes, but mostly because he isn't sure if he wants to wait until they arrive home to finally get the chance to kiss George. "That way if I can't stand it, we can drop this entire thing and pretend like it never happened."
"Exactly." George nods, extricating himself from the chair carefully, holding out a hand to Matty to help him up once he regains his feet.
Matty twines his fingers through George's gingerly, praying to a god he doesn't believe in that George can't feel the excited thrum of his pulse which is ticking so loudly Matty swears it is audible. His odd reaction is only caused by the sudden head rush he receives from standing up, or at least that is what Matty is going to swear by if George calls him out on it.
I have had this written for ages, so I am just going to post it even though I wanted to add the kiss in here, but I will save that for the next chapter since apparently I am struggling to find any sort of free time in which to write at the moment.
I nitpicked this section to death, so hopefully it turned out okay. I am so critical about this fic, probably because it's a first for me in so many things, but I think I am finally happy with it, and I hope you guys are too.
Votes and comments are always lovely if you feel inclined to leave one.
Everything is Matty's fault
<3 starr